Hi everyone

I just found this forum and hoped that you guys might have some advice for me.. you see I seem to have put myself in a very unfortunate position.. you guessed it.. it's about a girl.

I've known her for over a year and slowly, but unrelentingly, I've fallen for her.. hard. I value my friendship with her very highly, but I want more. I don't need a lot more (although I'd like it) - I know that she isn't really ready for a big heavy relationship and honestly neither am I, but I really do care for her a lot, and find and am finding it harder and harder to be her friend when it's so one sided. I think I'm finding it especially hard because I'm typically not a very emotional person; that makes this all very new to me as I've never really been this interested in someone like this before (I'm 26 yo). Lately I've been finding it hard to deal with these new emotions.

A bit about her..
I know, I KNOW what you're going to think.. she's a stripper. I've heared it all from my friends before and I know some of you are going to try to slag her off or say she's leading me on. When you read what's gone on in the last year you might even be more convinced that this is the case, but I've gotten to know her very well in the last year - I think the world of her and I have more respect for her than almost anyone I've ever met. Anyone wanting to suggest that our friendship isn't genuine, or that she's being totally fake with me, please don't. I just can't believe that that she'd do that.

Things I know about her..
- She's strong
- She values her independence and her family above all other things.
- She's not over her ex even though she says she is (not her most recent ex, an ex from long ago). She feels guilty about the way she treated him, and even though she ended it, in the back of her mind she thought one day they'd try again - he's married now though, I went in to see her the week she found out and she was a little depressed. It was the first time she opened up to me
- She knows she's hot, money comes easy to her and yes, she has a stripper ego. I suspect she has a pattern of picking boyfriends who are weaker than her, she likes to feel like the provider. While she does make more money than me, I'm not weaker than her, don't fit the profile
- She likes masculine men. She likes when I wear black, she likes a bit of stubble. She'll tell me off if I go to the club in a white shirt, saying that I look like a pussy
- She likes to enjoy her work, she won't dance with anyone who she perceives as disrespectful (including some guys who haven't really done anything wrong - but there's no arguing with that ego), she usually won't dance with old guys, and she often won't dance unless she's in the mood. She strips and lives her life completely on her terms, and she's hot enough to get away with it.
- She's not ready for serious relationship stuff, she has career and financial goals which come first in her mind (she also runs an online business). I don't think she'll be ready until she gives away stripping in a few years (and she probably doesn't believe a serious relationship would work until that time)
- She is a very sexual person, I know she loves sex but I suspect she hasn't had much in a while - stripper or not she may have fallen into the same trap as other career minded women

Her and me..
I met her over a year ago.. our first dance was amazing.. I was on a high for a week! But as I got to know her the way she danced took a back seat, I really started to like her. But I didn't fall for her right away, she was just doing her job, I didn't want to be the emotionally confused strip club patron who made her job more complicated, I just wanted to pay my money, enjoy my dance, and be a good respectful customer, until one night SHE had the idea of going out..

I'm sure she wouldn't remember this, but it was her who started all this, she mentioned that she was in the mood to go out after work on one particular night, but when I said 'let's go then', she said that she hadn't brought the right clothes, but made it clear that she wanted to do it another time. We even arranged a night - albeit it was almost a month away, but there was a night when she was planning on catching a cab into work (meaning she could drink) and she wanted me to come in that night since we'd be able to have a good time together, and then go out after she finished. I was SO excited

Between that night and our arranged night out we continued to become closer friends. SHE was the first to refer to me as her 'friend', the nature of our relationship was changed, I was no longer just her customer and I had started to slowly fall for her.

When our planned night out finally came nothing went right - the event that she had on (the one that required the cab) was cancelled - she didn't get a cab in and she was generally in a shitty mood. Plus I was sick as a dog, I didn't have her number at that stage so I couldn't let her know, and of course I didn't want to stand her up so I still went in to see her. Needless to say it just didn't happen that night.

I went back the next week (she knew I was hoping we might be able to do it then, although she had been clear she couldn't promise anything), when I did she apologised saying that she had to give her friend a lift home that night, but that I should give her my number so that we could work something out another time - yes, SHE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER, so I wasn't really disappointed, I thought we'd get there eventually.

Anyway, as you've guessed, almost a year since we were first supposed to go out I've never managed to get her to commit to another night, but something else happened during that time, we became a lot closer - she's opened up to me a few times when something had her down, she's felt comfortable enough to ask me for favours, she's certainly had more fun with me at the club recently than she had ever done before, she sends me text messages more freely and more often. While I do spend a fair bit of money on her, she spends a lot more time with me than my budget can justify - I suspect it costs us both money a lot of the time when I go there, because she stops working to spend time with me. Even though she referred to me as her friend way back when we made that 'date' (it wasn't really a date, but it was something) the truth is that we were really just 'friendly' at that stage. Now we really are friends, but still I've had no success.

Again, I know how all this sounds, but if you read the above description you'll find that ther are other explanations. I just don't fit into her priorities, I'm not career, and I'm not family. Also I don't think she'd go out with me or anyone unless all the stars were aligned (ie she had nothing better to do, and she was really in the mood for it - she almost never plans non-work things, I have to be in the right place at the right time, and there just never seems to be any right times in her life right now) She's this way with her girlfriends too, not just me. It's also very possible that she's changed her mind since she first said she wanted to go out, but hasn't had the balls to tell me so (I have asked her flat a couple of times, she says she still wants to go but actions speak louder than words). Or that she was originally just interested in a little fun, but now that we're friends I don't fit into that pigeon hole any more. She is also likely reluctant to change the nature of our relationship, it works a lot better for her seeing me at the club than it does for me - she likes to have fun at work but can't do this with most other custiomers, she has other things she could be doing when she's not at work, if she started to see me away from work, I might stop coming to the club, and she might lose a valued customer.

Lately I've tried to make it clear to her how important she is to me. Last march was when we were supposed to go out the first time, I've told her that if we haven't gone out by the end of this coming march she won't see me again. This wasn't supposed to be an ultimatum (although she may have interpreted it that way) - it's just that I can't keep doing this to myself. Like I said, I don't need a lot from her (want it, don't need it), but I at least need her to start acting like a friend, and of course I really want her to give me just one shot, one date, one chance to kiss her goodnight. If I can make it go further, then great, if not, then at least I got my chance.

She is the only person I've ever fallen for, and when March has passed I'll admit defeat. That gives me less than 3 months, maybe 5 or so more visits, and I really think March is going to come and go and I'll never see her again. I'll lose not only a shot at the girl of my dreams, but also a friend who means a lot to me.

so.. guys, I've got less than 3 months. I need advice because I'm totally out of ideas. I'm sure I've been too much of a 'nice guy', and possibly sabotaged myself in the process, but keep in mind that I'm nice to her because I really do care, and I don't ever want to be less than genuine with her.

I have 3 months to get her excited, to make her want me in her life, not just her job, and to make her see that she needs to work with me a LITTLE if that's going to happen. Please help!!

Aaargh! too much text!

Anyway! You need to establish a connection! You need an our world conspiracy. And you might want to search for soul mate moment on this forum...

Thanks so much for the reply, and apologies for the long post.

I'm seeing her tomorrow for her birthday (got her something nice), After giving it some more thought I think I've definitely made the mistake of being too clear and accommodating about my desire to go out with her.. I think I made it too easy for her and she lost interest - she still wants me around the club because she has fun with me and makes a little money from me, but I think that's all it is now. Is there any way I can reverse my mistake?

wow i could get like 500 boners in the time it took to write that, speaking of boners, i gotta go beat this bad boy off, brb hottie

Oh so it's working again?
Hope I can fix this so that all mine don't go to waste

Woah... I can't even begin to tell you Ffhow wrong this is on every single level.

Listen up good.

Firstly, this has gone on too long. If you wanted to make a move on this girl (stripper) you should have done so within the first week at least.

You have wasted an entire year! Let me just emphasise that...An entire year on this girl. Hoping, praying for her to fall into a vulnerable state where you can make a move on her.

However, you like to play this out in your head, you are not being a nice genuine guy at all. You are in fact being a weak, sexually motivated guy who waits for a opportune moment to strike.

Let's assume for one moment, you DO get it on with this girl. When things get messy you are going to tuck tail and run... This is fact because you typify the needy good guy. This is why girls hate these type of guys.

If I were you I'd try to stop this little episode. It's gone on long enough and won't lead to anything concrete.

You need to acknowledge this and change your life-style. I mean this girl is a stripper...Sure she could be genuine but she is still taking money off you.

STOP this fantasy.

_________________
*Justice renders the WEAK his due*
My Journal
here-vp445642.html#445642

Did you ever stop to think she is doing all this so you come back as a paying customer?

_________________
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~Winston Churchill

First, I am not needy.. I am a loner by nature. The reason I have fallen so hard is because she is the first person I;'ve ever really wanted to be around

Second, I am not waiting for her to be vulnerable.. it would turn me off if I saw her vulnerable, her strength is the thing I like most about her

Yes, I did consider that she's doing it because I'm a paying customer.. there's no question that she's eager to see me when she's getting paid and not so eager when she's not, and there's also no question that I may never get anywhere. But as I said, I will not accept that our friendship is not genuine. I am her customer, but I am also her friend.. just not a good enough friend.

While I do take your points, you need to look at my first one.. I am a loner. I used to seriously fear that I was incapable of feeling this way - but now that I have decided what I want I have remained consistent and committed to it as I do in all endeavors that are important to me. I am not interested in anyone else - I have never been interested in anyone else (not before I met her, not ever). I am going to see this through until the end of march and I am operating under the assumption that our friendship is real, and I need advice in that context.

You say that, but that is exactly what YOU'RE doing. You're waiting for an opportune moment to do something.

That moment will arise when she's had a really bad day... or whatever it happens to be.

Now I'm not saying you're doing this deliberately. No you are doing this subconsciously because that is all you've been used to.

So you're a loner. OK great you can admit this. But you need to change because this is not attractive.

I hope you dont waste a further three months of your life.

_________________
*Justice renders the WEAK his due*
My Journal
here-vp445642.html#445642

Seriously, I don't want her to take comfort in me, that would be a major turn off. I want her to have fun with me.. which she does. I'd just like it if she had enough fun to want to see me away from the club too. I honestly meant what I said, yes I want more than friendship but I don't 'need' it from her - I just need her to want to start acting like a better friend, because she means so much to me and I don't mean shit to her. It's starting to get me down.

SoupNazi Do your self a favor and do not see this girl again and find some other girl. You are not doing your self any favors here by having this major puppy love for this girl. As you said your self she doesn't see you in the same light as you see her. She is a stripper which means she is going to be nice to you as long as you are in the club and giving her money.