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I think you've touched upon something briliant in the OP, but I'd like to hear more from you regarding how you think people can change. Some of the advice I've been given so far is A+, top grade stuff, and I'm really working on myself.
You said that if you were doing things for yourself your goals would be different. I will let you in on a little secret. Until you start doing what you truly believe in, you will never achieve your full potential.
You have to face the fact that as a man you will be rejected and that the more you become you true self the more fierce your enemies are likely to become.
When it comes to women, no matter what our dear "gurus" say, routines will not get you quality women.
How much can you respect your relationship if you know it exist purely by calculated action?
You also say you are working on yourself. If I were you I would stop right there.
You are not being true to yourself in the first place (from what you said). So what are you working on? On becoming the man the community says you should be?
It takes balls to follow your heart. That's why you've been given two. Use them.
You want to be a leader of men or a follower?
Learn to face life. That's what will make you more attractive.
You will like and respect yourself more if you start listening to own heart and soul.
All the best.