| Well as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. I believe in this. Responsibility to yourself, and to the other people involved. You shouldn't play with peoples emotions and shouldn't take them for granted. I am guilty of this.
As a result I haven't been myself lately. I've been over and over the situation in my head and anyone else who'll listen, and I can't find a satisfactory solution. Therefore, I'm biting the bullet and coming back to you, the community in the hope of an answer....
So here's my current situation.
We had a female housemate move in. I tried to steer clear, yet my subconscious was warning me something would happen. I had been in this situation before only to get into a big mess of heartache.... on my behalf. It was far too awkward all the time, never knowing if we should go to the same bed any particular night, or go to our separate rooms. There was a constant feeling of confusion at all times. This was before I discovered the community.
So when this new girl moved in I knew the disaster that could happen, but I flirt with disaster at the best of times and so the inevitable happened. From the start I told her it would be a bad idea to continue with this and it could only lead to trouble. We continued.
Then she started telling me that she really liked me, and although I also liked her, the 'community member' (I'm not a big fan of the other term) inside me started to freak out that this was the end of his career. I explained how I didn't want any relationship as I'm currently interested in the single life. She took it well, with a few tears of calm disappointment (which I think about often).
She tends to have the odd one too many when she's out on a bit of a bender and can be messy at times. This reinforced my decision as I wondered what my friends would think seeing her in such a state (even though we've been far, far worse in the past). I couldn't get into a relationship.
We continued... I couldn't help myself. She's such a lovely person and I'm extremely attracted to her. She started to tell me she loved me every time she was drunk. Not just 'I love you, you're cool'. She was explaining how she loved me and knew I didn't love her. I always replied with "Tell me when you're sober".
We were good together though, and that scared me. Fear about it going wrong, and about it working out (the drawbacks of getting into pickup). Because of this I always kept my guard up. I didn't treat her very well. I didn't take the relationship seriously and, since we had never made it official, I could keep the 'community member' inside me happy.
I went away for about a month. I never called. I only sent one group of texts. I did as I pleased. When I came back I had a fair amount of guilt. I also sensed that she had made some decisions. I had decided that I wanted to give this relationship a go, but I knew the minute I let my guard down it'd blow up in my face. I was correct.
I realise girls talk to each-other. It seems a few people had given her the same advice, to be on her own for a while. She hadn't been single for any amount of time in years, and had just gotten out of a previous relationship. I was gutted. I deserved it though, and was angry at myself. The night before I went away an ex-housemate was in the country and she needed a place to stay. She's just a friend (a hot one though). I assigned her to my bed... with me. We didn't do anything (at all), I didn't even try, but I was punishing my housemate/lover for some behaviour the night before; she called me when she was drunk and upset and this ended in her getting mad at me on the phone. By not bringing her into my bed I was trying to let her know such behaviour was unacceptable. When I came back from the month away and we had the talk about how I wanted to give it a go she told me how she cried that night since she had been looking forward to staying in with me all that day, because I was going away the next morning. That is something I can't stop thinking about. What a stupid move. She said she basically decided that night that this is how it would always be so.... you get the picture. Now she wants to be on her own for a while. I can't help feeling like there's an element of bulls@!t in there.
So here's my actual current situation. I'm living in a house with a girl I have very deep feelings for, who doesn't want to be with me because she says she wants to be on her own. I don't understand how someone can say they love you and yet not want to be with you. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't see her every day, and when I do, all I want to do is hug her and make up for my mistakes. Another problem is that she's incredibly hot. I can't fault her looks at all. I try hard to find something but I can only find tiny little things that I create in unusual lighting. She can be a bit of a handful when she's messy drunk but it's so hard to hold anything against her because most of the time she has a beautiful personality. It's a bad situation.
So now I don't know what to do. We're getting on very well at the moment and have great fun (on the surface; butterfly central in my stomach). My other housemate says she lights up when I come into the room (but I think that might be getting less and less true). I'm afraid that she'll subconsciously associate us getting on so well with us not being together. However, if I be stand-off-ish I'm afraid I'll reenforce her original reasons for ending things. It's a catch 22 situation and I don't know what to do. I know this might sound like a typical case of oneitis but there's nothing typical about this... we're living under the same roof (separate rooms). Sure I see other girls, what else am I supposed to do if she says she doesn't want anything? But I actually think I'd be faithful if....
I know this is all starting to sound very AFC-ish but this is what we are when you bring it back to the core. It's basic human emotions. At present I can't bring anyone else home with me as I don't want to hurt her. I know she's thinking the same (assuming she doesn't actually want to be alone). A girl like her won't be single for long though. It's like a game of who'll put the knife in first. When she goes out, I get worried (especially if she meets one of you [I would put a smiley here but can't smile about it]).
Basically I need advice. Not the 'Man, tell her to move out and be rid of the situation' type of advice. Advice towards the possibility of salvaging things. What can I do in this situation? I'm at a loss as to what to do. All I know is I don't want to continue feeling like I've been feeling lately.
Gentlemen, please advise....
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