| Hi, this is going to be my first and only thread, but id like to share my story, so, anyone who thinks reading about the events and emotions that have and are happening in the life of an e-stranger is the shit, read on! :P
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity. -Albert Einstein
Okay, lets move on..
This is..
The psychjee Story
(dun! dun! dunnnn!)
This is merely a collection of both vivid and vague memories of my life up until this
current point in time and then some.
My name is Psykey? (are you kidding me, I'm not telling you freaks my name! :P!) I am a 20 year old male and i currently live with my mother and sister in a rented house. I am on medication for anxiety/depression/OCD/mood control + a host of other unwanted things. :P and yes on occasion i do enjoy the odd doobie you might say that is counterproductive since i am fighting against the side effects of what in inducing into my body, but hey i like to smoke weed and I also like writing random shit down a lot. Like, well, anything that pops into my head at any given time.. like right now! -> 'What do you think of when you are walking up stairs? Do you think of how long it is to the top? or maybe you think of what you're going to do when you get to the top, but you already know that, thats why you're walking up the stairs right? do you think of anything at all!?' I know what i think of.. i think of the fact that im thinking of what to think of while im walking up stairs.
Ok seriously here goes!
-I grew up in a street with other kids just like any normal kid does, i am now 20 years old and can reminisce now and share my life's tale so far.-
Chapter 1 - Past is the past <-- (I always wondered what it would be like to make up the name of a chapter in a book) -but this isn't a book, this is a thread on a forum. FOCUS!
Growing up had its ups and downs, every past memory before the age of 13 is a blur but that of a happy childhood, having a loving mother and father and baby sister. Memories at the 13-17 stage of my life are somewhat vague, like i sort of remember some specific events both visual and auditory but unable to recall feelings or emotions.
The biggest life altering stage was when i was 14 or so when my mother came into my room crying hysterically because her suspicions of adultery where confirmed. I can visually recall a still of her sitting on the edge of my bed and hearing a cry i had never since heard before. People cry in subtle different ways but this was a cry of tremendous heartache and sorrow.
By this time my own life had taken a plunge, i was spending every waking hour inside my house, playing games and watching tv. I was taken out of school because of the mental exhaustion, depression and stress i was undergoing at that age.
Sad to say years 15 16 and 17 where a news paper journalists worst nightmare. 3 solid years had passed and i did nothing but play games, watch tv sleep and eat, anytime anyone would visit, it wasn't for me, i made no effort to make plans involving the outside world, all my friends were still going to school. I guess they all got jobs when they left.
One fateful day since i had woken up during the daytime, which was rare because i usually slept during the day and preferred the night, I decided to go outside to let my cat in, I opened the door and stepped out and soon felt very strange, i had not seen these sights in long, long time. It was scary walking towards the window sill where she sat, the sun hurt my eyes, i was squinting the whole way there, like a mole being removed from his hole i felt uneasy, uncomfortable, anxiety, tense, almost a sense of disorientation and unknowing. Who or what is out here? I got back inside and after a night with virtually no
sleep i told my mother about how i felt about going outside, but wait a minute.. hadnt my mother noticed i didnt leave the house for 3 years? I asked her about this through the protection of my locked door, almost like i knew this topic would dig up some emotions, and as suspected she started crying so i confronted
her and tried to calm her down and ask her to explain what she was going through to me. She said she was only doing what she thought was the right thing, by not putting me under stress or asking me to do things. By removing stress/depression and not asking anything of me that would put me in a position to i didn't like.
I then enlisted the help of "Him" which was now his name to be used by my mother and my sister being so young and impressionable at the time soon soon followed suit. My father. cowardly and manipulating, would hold a lie to his grave. Soon after leaving my mother he assumed the identity of his view of "The Perfect Father" doing everything and anything for his children at the snap of a finger. But that is exactly what he became, in my eyes, a person who just did anything you asked, there was no emotional side to him, or any connection between us both anymore. He was like a buffer between me and the outside world which i now know i feared.
Determined to jump back into the crowd i had once been apart of, I asked him did he know where one of my old friends I grew up with lived, and to pass my number onto him. SNAP! done. The next day i received a text from that friend asking me to go out partying with him the following Friday. To my delight i had found something to test my goal of jump the way of life.
Friday was here, i was nervous and pacing up and down my room, my hair gelled, showered and shaved, when it came to Go-Time i decided i would postpone meeting up with him and meet up with him later at his friends house for a house party, i had a few hours to ponder my thoughts before i either had to go to this random house and meet people my age and play a roll in that point of their life or wimp out and go to sleep destined to wake up tomorrow having achieved nothing and explain myself to my friend and retry contact. As the night progressed i soon turned to alcohol and drank myself into a relaxed and unfazed state. 2am arrived and i ordered a taxi to that house.
I arrived at the house and made my enterance, hugging my best friend from childhood who i had not seen in over 3 years, under his thunderous cheer he let out after being reunited I silently observed everything going on around me. - That night i took cocaine and ecstacy for the first time, Yet still i was unable to converse with others, like i had the words "SOCIAL RECLUSE" written on my forehead. Well i made it through, soon to repeat this process for a long time.
-I had always planned on taking drugs before hand, i had researched and came to a decision to go against societies view of these substances a long time ago and i firmly believe if you die having not experimented with atleast one potent hallucinogenic drug you have missed out on a huge chunk of life, but thats another story at a whole different stage of my life. :P
I do not encourage substance abuse, i just merely state my opinions on them.
For the rest of that see able year i became accustomed to meeting up at the weekends with my reunited friend. I learned of what type of person he had become, sneaky, devious, untrustworthy. One person i met stood up for me out the countless people i met but never knew nor cared to sustain any future contact with, he was an interesting character at first, seemed to have this life of ease and independence, this person is soon to become a key factor in my now present life, time went on, party after party, observing one drug riddled guy/girl after another never talking to anyone in a sober state. Making a few friends but none you would want to bring home to the family.
Summer time came, the nights stopped getting longer, it was daytime more, i had never been amongst people during the day. The point came that it got dark at 11PM and light again at 3AM. Fearing the change I stopped going to those house parties and lost contact with everyone for 3 months.
Going against my true feelings of not accepting medication to help me go out during the day sober, i felt that if i had to take medication that there was really something wrong with me i eventually did get over this hurdle and asked my mother to arrange a phone call appointment with my doctor. Shaking with nerves and with varying cracks and pitch fluctuations in my voice i described to my doctor as best i could my whole situation.
He prescribed me an antidepressant for 2 weeks, which didnt work. He then prescribed me an anti anxiety and nerve relaxer that worked wonders.
Chapter 2 - Present-ish. (i dont even know why im putting chapters in, i guess that feels that my current feelings are that it's like I'm writing a book when im really smoking a really fat cone sitting typing on a piece of shit keyboard which buttons are all stiff and old on a piece of crap PC that just about works). -Shrug
Not so long ago, maybe few months? since being on new medication i have been in a few local stores numerous both alone and with my 1 friend who i had re-initiated contact with with this summer, he is that key figure in my life today whom i smoke with and share complex and very insightful conversations with regularly. But we still stand on the term "i live my life, he lives his". And i like it this way.
One simple random act gave way to a whole new view and way of life for one human being.
I sat down at my PC one day and randomly searching youtube and google for random things. But after searching "the ultimate game" i came across a PUA site and after curiously probing and delving deeper into the vast array of literature on social interactions and the like, deeper and deeper i went immersing myself in the wealth of knowledge i have only yet tapped the surface of. I was hooked. I have read all books on PUA specifically, The Game, Mystery Method, Magic Bullets etc. and also cold reading, influence, NLP books etc. i am currently waiting on some more books to arrive on NLP. I truly am addicted to learning more on these amazing and diverse subjects.)
I have been here nearly 2 years now i think, and a new girl has moved in across the street, same age, height as me.(how do i know the height comparison?) I consciously took note of how tall she was in comparison to her front door when i saw her as i was coming back from a spin about in my car, all houses in this street have the same doors, so by estimation i am just a little taller than her. Never talked yet. This situation has now opened up a door of opportunity for me to take what ive learned and make something happen, I am anxious though but feel prepared enough to initiate conversation. Even talking to girls drunk was an uncomfortable task before my meds, how is talking to one the first time sober going to pan out? Sure ive said Hi and held eye contact with beautiful girls of my
age in stores or as im driving or waiting in traffic but this will be the first face to
face conversation with an anticipated result
Through the course of my life i have attained 2 Vehicles so i guess i've flipped some of her switches? my first car is my pride and joy, gorgeous performance vehicle, very loud and head turning, my second is my more comfortable day to day car. I like cars, always have always will. Driving is awesome, it gives me the feeling of safety in the outside world. As for my self image, i have been flirted with by a few female door to door charity volunteers/catalog representatives i have experimented on but never held a conversation with on a topic other than that of the original intent of her request of my attention, i really dont know how i am viewed by the outside world, i groom like a maniac, OCD habit i guess, so maybe i am attractive looking who knows. Either that or those girls are being flirtatious as a tactic to get what they want. I'm hip to their tricks! :P
Well thats about all i can write tonight, if you have gotten this far I am sorry if i have bored you to tears, and i can offer no way of giving you back the time you have spent reading this :P
I will write back/update you guys on my situation if the thread receives any attention whatsoever, otherwise ill just keep typing in notepad :p
Good luck! and thanks for reading.
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CHAT
