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Just a moment ago I posted this message but was rejected for using a URL as a new user. This is my demonstration of pretty profound persistence, though I'll summarize some.
I've read a lot of self-help and dating advice from various sources. A friend recently directed me to this site. Might I just say that "pick-up-artists" is a disgusting term. However, tonight I came upon this thread on relationships. Locke, your advice, in content and form, is, perhaps, some of the most genuine, sapient and no-bs, down-to-earth and real stuff. I registered on the site basically just to say this. No need to respond; I do have a question for you.
Many of us on a site such as this may feel as if we are starting from scratch. I have dated a good number of girls for a man of 20 years, yet never at any length or emotional intimacy. I have never been open with my feelings to anyone, certainly not my parents, nor a lover, and at times have not had a core group of friends with which to do so. I have never taken much time to myself for meditation. The long term result is a lack of self-knowing and pure ignorance of my own feelings. I let things build up inside without even an awareness of their pressure or the identity of each small tragedy. Only recently did I become aware of this fact. It's all or nothing - every so often I let things off my chest, but it is just that, a complete unloading. This kind of talk is exhausting and I will leave it here the second time around - you get the idea anyway.
The significance of all of this, as it relates to relationships and not self-knowledge, is that I fail to communicate. Rather than to work through a circumstance of relational or social ambiguity, I tend to turn away completely. I have become a professional when it comes to ignoring anything and anyone. My fear is that I will be forever failing to recognize and understand the worth of people. How could I when I never stick around to put in the effort necessary for true knowing? I have not yet learned to learn about people.
I was amazed when on page one of this thread you noted some of what you called "gears" of relationships: comfort, rapport, sexual tension and emotional investment. I was very impressed to see that a man could identify these things and continued reading about creating a dynamic and onion layering - DIVINELY helpful. What I ask is that you list as many "gears" as possible, and possibly other relational outlines and talk about them at any length. What I need is a perspective through which to filter my thoughts and actions in consideration of others.
Thank you, Locke.
Best,
Michael
Micki,
I had no idea that when I logged in to read the thread this bright afternoon that I would be slapped in the face with awesome compliments. Thank you. I appreciate your support and I am really happy to offer everything I can in the way of guidance. I can't agree with "pickup art" being disgusting, as some people only come here to learn such things; but I can say that the idea of learning more than that is the furthest thing from disgusting.
Your situation sounds like a case of emotional withdraw and what I call introverted interaction. You are social, but never applied. You share, but never share you. You hang out, but are just trying to make sure you're not the only one in the room. Correct me if I am wrong, but I would say you just never learned (nor were taught) how to adapt to and experience emotions, forcing you to feel as though you don't know yourself and can't know others.
That doesn't mean you don't know yourself or can't know your feelings. It just means you have yet to understand those parts. Forgive me for sounding cliche, but your eyes just have not been opened to that yet. The "complete unloadings" you mention happen because you bottle your feelings, eventually leading to a build up and release. But how can you prevent that if you don't even know how or why you are bottling the feelings?
Your point might relate to relationships, but my point is that it relates to everything. Communication isn't just between oneself and another; if you don't understand how to communicate with your body, mind, and "heart", then how do you expect to understand how to do it in a relationship?
I think there are a lot of questions you could have (and should); questions that need to be addressed. But for this post I can focus on the one you posed to me, and that is pretty much: what are all aspects of a relationship, and how do they grind?
You will never grow if you simply want to filter your thoughts and actions (making up your entirety) through other people.
I can not list off everything that is a relationship, it would take me too long. I do have a couple page article written on just that, I might be able to send it to you, but I have to make a couple inquiries first.
In the meantime, think about browsing around the "inner game" sections and living an attractive lifestyle. There might be some good information around there for you.
CHAT
