I was at a club over the weekend in a city that I occasionally visit. I was there alone, dressed in a slightly Goth way...black jeans, cool black and yellow shirt, dangly earring, studded belt, studded collar, etc.

I was hanging near the dance floor people-watching, a group of guys were behind me. One of the big dudes bumped into me, I paid it no mind (people accidentally bump into each other all the time in clubs, it's no big deal). A minute later, the dude bumps into me so hard I almost lost grip of my beer. I turned and gave him a "WTF?" look...he said "Sorry dude". I just turned back around to mind my own business. A minute later I felt someone fingering my earring...women often reach out and gently grab the dangly earring to get a closer look (and open me, I assume). It was one of the other guys in that same group however. He gave me a thumbs up, and I simply smiled and nodded.

Next, some ladies had decided to get up on the bar and dance. I was standing there watching them while the dude who had bumped into me twice was standing beside me. Out of nowhere, he just reached over and shoved me. I looked at him, reached over and shoved him a little harder than he had shoved me. He puffed up, stuck his chest out, and gave me an aggressive look. I said "You don't shove me, I won't shove you...we good?", stared at him for a second, then turned back to watch the ladies dancing on the bar.

I heard him talking shit about me to his friends after this, so after a minute or two I wandered off in an effort to just remove myself from possible further conflict...I was there to have a good time, not get into a fight. (People like this really tick me off...this was obviously a popular pickup joint...really, who wants to start a fight, potentially get arrested, etc.? It's pointless...focus on having fun and meeting women.)

The dude who shoved me was probably 30-40% bigger than me...taller and wider by quite a margin. However, I believe I showed him no fear at all by shoving him back harder than he shoved me, and then ignoring him. And I think I probably made a wise choice by removing myself from further conflict.

I think I handled this well. Thoughts? Suggestions on how to handle things like this even better in the future? Here in Raleigh, I've rarely had to deal with anything like this...everywhere I go, folks treat me with lots of respect. There seemed to be quite a few fight-seeking AMOG's out in this other city though (for instance, I stopped one group of 4 girls and 1 guy on the street to ask where a particular bar was...the guy said "fuck you" but one of the ladies answered me...go figure).

Cheers,
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

You handled yourself well. That's one of the dangers of going out alone. Groups of guys like that develop a pack mentality and feed off each others' aggressive energy. They're especially brave when they know there's only one of you. It was wise of you to step out of the situation. Had you remained he would have been fueled onward by the support of his other friends to further escalate the situation to get you to fight.

In situations like this when I go out alone, I make it a point to talk to the bouncers and the bartenders. It's just like initiating with a girl, with a simple "What time do you guys close?" or "Do you guys have any drink specials here?" Get a conversation started and get their names, and give them yours. Shake their hands. That way if something ugly like that happens and you're on your own, you're not totally alone. It really helps you on multiple levels:

1. They'll be more willing to step up to help you out, especially the bouncers since that's their job to prevent fights.
2. Given the choice between the stranger and the PUA who took the time to befriend them, they are much more likely to be on your side when it comes down to the "who started it?".
3. It also serves as an indicator of value both to women and men when you know people at the place and can prevent bullies from even approaching you if they think you're connected to the people that work there.

Ya know, that's really good advice. In fact, that's what I do here in Raleigh now that I think about it...befriend the bouncers and bartenders in places where I don't know anyone. I should've done the same thing there...I should already know this by now! LOL.

Thanks!
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Just curious here...would there be any value in "befriending" the AMOG in a case like this? For instance, instead of saying the "you don't shove me/I won't shove you" thing, after I shoved him back I could have then smiled and said something like "Look brother, I'm here for fun, not a fight...instead of me breaking your arm, how about I buy you a beer?"

Would that come across as super-alpha or super-wuss? I'm really curious...many of you have a lot more experience de-fusing AMOG's than I do because I rarely come across one in the places I frequent. I'll fight to defend myself if it's truly necessary...but I just think it's totally stupid to bar-fight over nothing, and I'd much rather de-fuse the situation.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

It really depends. If it were just one or two guys it might have worked. In this situation with the guy pushing you and his buddy messing with your earing it sounds like they made a group decision early on to harass you. Any peace making you did would have probably just further escalated things. Offer to buy him a beer and he'd probably spit it in your face or find some way to cut you down with your own good will gesture. I think you made the right move in standing your ground and then leaving the situation.

In other instances, it works to befriend the AMOG and also brings you up to Alpha status when done properly. It's all situational. Trust your instincts. You did the right thing.

Good points...I think you're correct, even the 2nd bump was probably on purpose and a group decision, or decision supported by the group.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

After the second bump it should have been obvious what they were doing. Short of making a stand right there, you should have just moved after the second bump. Never just stand there and let someone tool you.

Reactionary behavior is defined as allowing something to happen... in essence, being an enabler... then blowing up after you should have put your foot down a long time ago. It's why people shoot up high schools. Rather than demand respect immediately, people let it build and then blow up. If someone is disrespecting you, you need to handle it right away or if they are huge and looking for a fight, leave.

The shove part you handled perfectly.

Priest and Future are two guys I've worked with that dig that sort of stuff. I don't. I'm not big like Priest and I can't fight like Future. If I can take the guy, cool. If I can't, I'll leave.

But don't stand there and be a victim before you leave.


S