| Ok man... Sounds like some major Pain there...
You are asking us to help you with the motivation, well that is difficult to do. I think that your main problem is your fear of failure. You do all those things follow all those rules and hope that it will help you but in reality you just avoid dealing with the problem.
Im not gonna lie to you, it is difficult, you will fail, you will be humilited and feel like a complete loser... Good news, that is just the start, after that you start getting good and start getting those rewards.
Let me tell you a little motivational story... I know a guy, in a situation similar to yours. A boy, the underdog, picked on in school, hanging with nerds, protecting himself from failure by not trying. This boy spent years of his life doing what was expected from him, pleasing others, being the nice guy. Some people liked that, some people felt comfortable around him because he was not a threat to anyone, just a loser. Well, I liked him, a sweet boy, a good soul. One time the boy had a dream, his future self came to visit him, the future self being cooler, better, more charming than the boy ever thought he could be. Oh, I wanna be just like my future self, the boy thought but I do not dare to be like that. I can not pretend to be cool since Im not. I do not have the right to rise above my level. The years passed and the boy slowly realized that the only one who could possibly know what "his level" was was himself. He started tearing down the protective walls prepared to find all kinds of horrors on the other side. Surprisingly the boy found that people accepted his new behaviour, not a single person thought that he raised above his level... He acted his part and obviously he was worth it.
Not long ago the boy threw a coin into a magic fountain and made a wish, he wished to be irresistable to women. One day later he bought his copy of the game... Who was the boy? Me.
Bottom line, you are the only one who can know your rights and value. Motivation, you are claiming what is rightly yours, control of your own life. To be able to live without fear of failure, fear of loneliness and fear of being socially unacceptable, is that not something worth fighting for. Is that not a priority over avoiding situations where you might feel like a loser. Anyway dont you feel like a loser just for doing that? I did...
Ezo
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