Tips To Improve Your Online Game
From StyleLife Academy
Introduction
The recent "reality" television series, "How to Get the Guy", asks attractive participants to
visit online personals services to find the man of their dreams. Since Online Gaming is
gaining popularity everyday with the explosion of web sites like Myspace, this
phenomenon can not be ignored.
In the following document we will discuss the art of Online Gaming. When you communicate
with another person over the Internet, your tone of voice and your body language are
obviously not going to be conveyed. Therefore, we must always create a clear, desirable
image of who we are and why we have value when interacting with people online. This
guide presents you many general ideas to help in expressing your identity in a desirable
manner, and then taking a person's initial interest in your image down a seductive path.
Websites to Visit
There are almost limitless options for online dating services. There are services that cater to
an older, more “ready-to-settle-down” crowd, sites for young people looking for a good
time, places that provide sexual hookups, and probably even sites that bring together
people who have cream cheese fetishes.
It’s important for you to understand the general tone of a site and its members. Just like
you probably wouldn’t expect to play a serious game of bridge in the hottest, loudest, most
popular club in South Beach, you probably shouldn’t be looking for swinging strippers on
eHarmony.com. Make sure you know about the site before you start using it heavily.
Some sites are free, while others require a membership fee. Here is a list of some popular
sites that sponsor online personals:
•
http://personals.yahoo.com/
•
www.americansingles.com
•
www.craigslist.com
•
www.eharmony.com
•
www.friendfinder.com
•
www.lavalife.com
•
www.match.com
•
www.matchmaker.com
•
www.myspace.com
•
www.nerve.com
•
www.okcupid.com
Setting Up Your Profile
Profile Pics
The first rule of profiles is, do not take your shirt off! The second rule of profiles is, Do. Not.
Take. Your. Shirt. Off. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve been working out. Just don’t do
it. “Even if you look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, do not, under any circumstances, post a
photo without a shirt on,” says Beth, an MBA student in Baltimore. “If you do, in fact, look
like a cover model, then it makes you seem arrogant. And if you don’t belong in Men’s
Health (and 99% of normal, perfectly cool men don’t) then it just looks sad.” If you are in
shape, it will show with your clothes on.
Be sure to leverage the social proof phenomenon! Your photos should display your well-liked
personality. Photos of yourself with beautiful women, friends, loved ones, pets, in exciting
social places, all convey value to whoever is viewing your profile. It is very important to that
ladies viewing your profile understand you are not a loner and that other attractive women
associate with you. Even if you do not normally take pictures with many women and or
friends you should work towards obtaining such photos. Let this be an excuse for you to go
out and gain experience in the real world: find people to include in your photos.
Don’t let our advice about hiding your pecs keep you from posting a photo. Posting a clear,
attractive photo is arguably the most important thing you can do to increase your online
odds. It is a statistically proven fact that profiles with photos elicit more responses than
profiles that are text only. “If a guy doesn’t have a photo, I don’t respond. I don’t care how
good his message might be,” says Jenn from Jackson, MS.
You should post at least two to three photos on your profile. Try to include a mix of looks,
wardrobe, and setting. Be careful how close-up your photos are. Some men include photos
from a distance, which makes it hard to see anything. And many men include close-up shots
they believe are artistic, but all those super-zooms reveal are blackheads and buggers.
Do not include photos of you holding someone else’s baby. If it is indeed your child, then
Okay, but don’t drag a niece into your seduction plots. Kid photos seem too contrived, too
obvious. Even if you truly do love children, it just comes across like you rented a kid from
Central Casting to make yourself seem like a family guy.
Do not include photos that have obviously been cropped to eliminate the girl from the beach
on Spring Break 2003. Do not include photos making gang signs with your hands, unless
you are Snoop Dogg. Do not include photos where your “intense” look actually comes across
as psychotic.
“No photos in a towel, no photos in a hot tub, no photos flexing your biceps, no photos with
tank tops, and no photos take with your own web cam sitting six inches away,” says Terri, a
banking executive in Philadelphia. “The grainy web cam shot looks like something off those
Dateline specials catching online predators.”
In our online profiles we need pictures that portray us as normal, fun guys just out being
social and having a good time. Even if we don’t generally go to extremely social places, the
fact that you are well liked by other people, and particularly women, must be apparent to
whoever is viewing your profile. Pictures where you appear "try hard" and stereotypical are
not recommended.
In addition, don’t be afraid to use Photoshop to supercharge your appearance. Another
secret tip is to have very little space between the top of your head and the top of the photo,
which makes you appear taller. And, best of all, if you don’t feel like photos of yourself will
generate enough interest in women, you may also use Photoshop to create a fake, funny
photo that will elicit comments and reactions: such as a picture of yourself with unlikely
celebrities or bizarre characters or in an unusual place.
Some sites have tips for taking an effective photo. Take it from the experts, and follow their
advice unless you really like a photo of yourself in the bathroom mirror with the flash
obscuring your face.
Profile Text
Most sites guide you through the process of writing up your profile. But there is one key
technique you can use that will greatly differentiate yourself from most men: provide
intriguing details. Every film director, author, and playwright knows the way to create
memorable characters is to provide interesting, specific details.
Don’t just say that you enjoy reading. Instead, list your favorite books. Details are what
make characters in novels come alive and they’re what make profiles successful. Every
single man on those dating sites is going to say he’s active and enjoys sports. But only you
can say you climbed Mt. Everest or dove into the Mariana Trench. Just like interesting
accessories and details in an outfit serve as conversation starters, so do details in a profile.
Write your value-laden stories without bragging. If you tell a story of climbing Mt. Everest
make sure you’re telling the story with a punch line or a hook that gives more reason to the
telling of the story than just simply saying you climbed the tallest mountain in the world.
For example,
“While out mountain climbing my girlfriend at the time slipped into a crevice in the glacier
we were hiking across. Now, the craziest thing happened here… our guide who’s already
climbed Mt. Everest six times jumps over the crevice like a freakin' ninja and drops a line of
rope instantly down to my girl. I’m like Oh Shit! So I run over and help our guide tie off the
rope and slowly pull up my friend! The moral of the story is… always use ninjas as your
guide.” This sounds better than “So I climbed Mt. Everest and that’s why I’m special”
Details like these provide something for viewers to hook onto as they peruse profiles. It’s
cliché, but the world really is small. And you’ll be shocked at how many people will pick up
on an interesting detail from your profile and say “I tried to buy an empty tube of eyeliner
used by Robert Smith of The Cure on eBay too! You must be the one who beat me in the
auction!”
These details also serve as something that will stick in women’s minds, long after they’ve
viewed your profile. People who are skilled in interviewing for jobs know how to plant these
reminders so that employers remember them and say, “Oh yeah, that was that guy who
interned at American Express.” Seeding details throughout your profile will help women
remember you as opposed to the other ten thousand men on the site.
Most important, when you create your online profile, the same rules apply as in the field:
If you appear to be supplicating or showing off or trying to make someone like you, you’ll
lose.
So create a profile character with attitude, who doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him and
has strength, confidence, and charisma.
The more time you appear to have spent on the profile, the worse you’ll do. If, on the other
hand, it appears that you just wrote something funny off the top of your head, you’ll do
great.
If you are still having trouble with your profile, go to a DIFFERENT site and look through the
male profiles for inspiration.
Display Higher Value
It is extremely important that your profile demonstrates exactly why you have value, but in
a way that doesn’t appear boastful. Pictures are a perfect way to display value. Short stories
of extremely interesting events you attended, exciting activities, and even grammar are all
ways to convey higher value in your profile.
E-mailing Women
Online dating has many benefits over meeting people in a bar or club. First, you can
compose your thoughts, and really make sure your e-mail communicates your true
intentions. Second, you don’t have to worry about a face-to-face rejection, so you may find
it easier to approach via e-mail as opposed to walking up to her table at a restaurant. Third,
you can explore online dating on your own schedule so you can contact women at odd hours
if you work the night shift, just be sure to explain your work schedule so you don't freak
them out.
The one harsh reality of online dating is that just like in the bar, club, and coffeehouse, the
most beautiful women are absolutely inundated with suitors. It’s not unusual for an
attractive woman on a site like Match.com to receive more than one hundred e-mails a day.
Be prepared to send dozens of e-mails. And yes, to be honest, you need to be prepared for
the fact that some women will not respond. Your plan of attack needs to focus on quantity
to be successful. Don’t just email one woman and wait for her response, email MANY.
If you still have it, look over the Stylelife Personals Experiment pdf and note the number of
and content of the responses the women received.
The quantity of your activity doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice quality. Here are some
things you can do to improve your chances:
Read the Damn Profile & Personalize the Damn E-mail
This seems obvious, but women say it is shocking just how many men pump out generic
e-mails that are no more personal than those junk e-mails selling Viagra. “I delete 90% of
all the e-mails I read within seconds because the generic ones are immediately obvious,”
says Lisa, a personal chef in New York City.
Depending on how much time you have to invest, there are two ways to show you’ve read
her profile and personalized your e-mail. First, the quick method is to scan for obvious
details. For example, many women will include something about their college in their profile,
and even in their screen name. If a woman’s screen name is “Hokie2419” then it’s a safe
bet she has some connection to Virginia Tech University. Occupations and hobbies are other
details that are often easy to quickly discover.
If you’re using this quick method of personalizing, find one fact and include it in your e-mail.
Dave M. of InsiderInternetDating.com explains “if you customize just one section of your
initial e-mails, and they’re written conversationally, you’re already ahead of 90% of the
guys out there.” Dave suggests you simply include a sentence such as “I noticed you were
into [insert whatever she’s into]” or “I couldn’t believe you like to [whatever she likes to
do].”
If you have a bit more time, then you can really dig into a woman’s profile to glean
information that isn’t just superficial. If you can pick up on something she may only be
hinting at in her profile and then mention it in your e-mail, you’re almost guaranteed a
response. One member of The Community recounts how he came across a Washington,
D.C. woman’s profile that used the term “southern belle,” listed watching basketball as a
hobby, and mentioned a hatred of Duke University. Based on this information alone, he took
a guess that she grew up in Kentucky and was a UK Wildcat fan. He crafted his initial
contact e-mail and included the subject line “Did Christian Laettner crush you in ’92?” His
e-mail, along with the reference to Duke’s famous last-second defeat of UK in the 1992 East
Regional Final, received an ecstatic e-mail almost immediately. Even if his guess had been
wrong, it still would have shown his effort in trying to learn about the woman, and probably
would have elicited a response.
Based on what she’s given you in the profile, compose a character sketch of her. Look at
how the photos correspond to her hobbies. Her hobbies may include a general activity like
“sports.” But if her profile has a photo of her on the ski slopes, then you’ve just greatly
narrowed down the possibilities.
One word of warning about the detailed research method of examining profiles… don’t
overdo it or you’ll come across as an obsessed stalker. Refer to only one or two specific
things in her profile. While it can be helpful to notice something in the background of her
profile photo, like a college banner or a pet, you don’t want to digitally enhance the pic to
discern the street sign in the window behind her back. This is online dating, not the
Department of Homeland Security. Be inquisitive, but leave the retinal scans to the experts.
Mirror Her Language
The language of your e-mail is extremely important. You want your word choice to be
energetic, engaging, and lively. Be sure to choose action verbs and vivid adjectives. In
addition to these basic grammar techniques, there are more sophisticated language
strategies you can utilize in your e-mail.
In Introducing NLP, Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour provide an illuminating example of
how our word choice reflects the way our mind works.
We use words to describe our thoughts, so our choice of words will indicate which
representational system we are using. Consider three people who have just read the
same book.
The first might point out that he saw a lot in it, the examples were well chosen to
illustrate the subject and it was written in a sparkling style.
The second might object to the tone of the book; it had a shrill prose style. In fact,
he cannot tune into the author’s ideas at all, and he would like to tell him so.
The third feels the book dealt with a weighty subject in a balanced way. He liked the
way the author touched on all the key topics, and he grasped the new ideas easily.
He felt sympathy with the author.
They all read the same book. You will notice that each person expressed themselves
about the same book in a different way. Regardless of what they thought about it,
how they thought about it was different. One person was thinking in pictures, the
second in sounds, and the third in feelings. These sensory-based words, adjectives,
adverbs, and verbs, are called predicates in NLP literature. Habitual use of one kind
of predicate will indicate a person’s preferred representational system (31).
Using this strategy, you can read her profile, examine her word choices, and then mirror her
preferred representational system in your messages to her.
Be Sure to Include…
There are two basic pieces of information you should include in every e-mail. They seem
obvious, but too many men neglect to follow this strategy.
First, be sure to include what Dave M. calls a “call to action” or CTA. You may think that
your intentions in online dating are obvious. But that’s not always the case. Instead, as
Dave M. explains “you need to make this part perfectly clear—what the woman needs to do
next as a result of reading your e-mail. Here’s where a lot of guys wimp out. Don’t make
women guess what you want them to do. You have to TELL THEM explicitly.”
This is really no different than sending a cover letter to a prospective employer. You should
be sure to close your letter with what the next steps are. You could write “I’d love to hear
back from you…” or “Looking forward to your response…” or “Let’s talk soon.”
Think of it like this. Suppose you look at your cell phone and notice that your poker buddy
called but didn’t leave a message. Now, if you have time and want to talk, you might call
him back. But if you’re busy, you’ll probably just say, “If it was important, he would have
left a message, I’ll talk to him later.” Since your poker pal didn’t leave a message and
specifically ask you to call him back, you may or may not contact him. E-mails to women
are the same way. Don’t leave it up to her to guess about your intentions. Ask her to reply.
At the conclusion of your profile, indicate the next steps needed to further the adventure.
Second, be sure to include your e-mail address in the body of your message. Many guys
just assume she’ll hit the Reply button and that may be true. But including your e-mail in
the body lets her quickly jot it down, it provides a sort of subconscious reminder that she
should contact you, and it shows thoroughness. Many career counselors advise including
your phone number at the bottom of a cover letter, even though the digits may be
displayed on your letterhead. Effective repetition can often make it easier for someone to
contact you. Actually including your e-mail address in the body of your message will make a
similar positive impression on women.
Do Not Appear Needy
Just because you received a response to your profile you can NOT jump all over her
message. Stay calm and allow a minimum of twelve hours to respond to each message. You
should maintain the appearance of having hundreds of people to reply to and too many
people to see every night. Why is this person special? Too many guys assume that just
because they received a response to their profile the person is going to end up in bed with
them. This is not true. Getting opened is only the first step. The game continues well
beyond this point.
Miscellaneous Tips and Techniques
There are a few miscellaneous tips and techniques you can use when you first e-mail a
woman to improve your chances for success.
First, a simple cold-read, rapport-building technique is to refer to the difficulty of describing
yourself in the profile. While it hasn’t been scientifically researched, it’s a safe bet that more
than 50% of people on these sites all say something like “I hate describing myself” or “I
can’t even begin to tell you about me” in their profiles. Some people even try to write
around describing themselves by saying “My friends would say I’m outgoing, energetic, and
fun.” So in your e-mail you could refer to this hesitancy. “I just signed up and man, it was
hard figuring out how to describe myself, did you feel that way too?”
Second, Dave M. suggests planting "Brain Itches" in your subject line. He advocates using a
subject line such as “I can’t believe you put this in your profile…” Dave M. points out that
the simple word “this” is effective “because it stirs up curiosity and causes women to want
to know just what ‘THIS’ is.”
Third, Dave M. also explains that you can put “RE:…” in your subject line. “We ALWAYS look
for and notice the e-mails we’ve ALREADY responded to FIRST.”
Fourth, don’t use too much hyperbole in your e-mails. Just like you wouldn’t fall down and
kiss the feet of a woman at a club, don’t do it an e-mail. “I’ve had guys tell me I’m
absolutely the single-most gorgeous woman they’ve ever seen in their life,” says Dani, an IT
professional from DC. “Some folks just do it too much. It’s okay to say my profile seems to
indicate I’m smart, but don’t say ‘you are obviously incredibly brilliant and extraordinarily
successful in your career.’ Just don’t overdo it.”
Finally, we shouldn’t even have to say this. But the sad truth of the matter is that far, far
too many men seem to think that basic rules of grammar and spelling are not applicable
when they send an email. Maybe they think that photo in cutoff denim shorts and no shirt is
going to so blind the woman with lust that she won’t mind some poor grammar. Maybe they
think that by listing their salary at $500,000 the woman will look beyond a smattering of
typos. Unfortunately, they’re completely wrong.
“I’m not an English teacher. I’m not going to go over emails with a red pen. I understand
folks are busy and mistakes happen,” says Kristen, an organizational-change professional in
San Francisco. “But, a well-written, polished email communicates a lot about a man. It
shows he’s intelligent and pays attention to detail. It sends out a feeling of confidence and
polish. But if a guy can’t be bothered to run spellcheck before he sends a note, then how
much attention is he going to pay to me on a date? Too many errors just seems like he is
sloppy.”
Run spellcheck and read over your email before sending it. If you’re crafting an email that
you’re going to reuse with numerous women, then it might be worthwhile having a friend
review it as well. A second set of eyeballs is always helpful in identifying mistakes.
Work Towards A Meeting
Your goal in communicating online should be to get offline as soon as possible. Try to
exchange no more than two or three emails before making a plan or exchanging phone
numbers. One way to do this is to take a longer response time for each email, and then say
you’re too busy to get to all your email and suggest taking it to the phone. The goal is to
guide your interactions and relationships into a real person-to-person social situation. Use
the same guidelines on arranging dates from previous missions in Stylelife to set up meets.
Often times a more casual meeting in a public place will help the person you’re talking with
respond and feel more comfortable. Examples of public spots could be coffee shops or book
stores with a café inside – or one of the simpler events in your Stylelife Calendar. After your
first meet in person, you can move the location to a more intimate setting like a private party.
David D’Angelo suggests arranging low-pressure meetings with a challenge to the woman implicit, such
as, ““Let’s do tea for 20 minutes. That way, if you’re a complete freak show, I can pretend like I
have to go walk my cat.”
In Conclusion
In following these general, well-tested guidelines, you will help improve the responses you
receive online and increase your results overall! Online game is in fact easier at first than
person-to-person pick up as you’re style, body language, intonation, and other subcommunications
don’t necessarily need to be fine tuned to arrange a meeting. However, in
the end, it is often not as rewarding and fun as succeeding during a cold approach in the
real world. And, once you’ve mastered your Challenge assignments, your first meeting with
someone from the personals should be easy: just follow the advice given to you in previous
missions and you’ll be the most interesting and most interested guy she’s ever met.
By JGatz, Masters, Don Diego Garcia, Style 
CHAT