Hi.

I'm Josh, 27.

So, straight to it. I need help. I'm going to tell this story honestly, although it makes me ashemed, and i want to know if i am the only person with feelings like these, lets call them "retrospective jealousy".

First, I'm no pua, but do ok. My current girlfriend is beautiful, and she's not the only beautiful girlfriend i have had. I guess deep down i do worry that i will not find someone better - but i realize also that when i think this, i'm not looking at the situation objectively.

When I met her i didn't simply act comfident and interesting, strong and independent. I was these things. I truely believe this. Nor was i jealous at all with my last girlfriend.

I met this girl while studying in another country, we shared some months togeter and all was fairy-tale perfect, until (and this is where the story turns ugly) she told me that she had had sex 3 times with a guy in our sircle of friends. This guy i found repulsive. I mean downright ugly, and i'm not willing to say this about many people. I could not for the life of me understand why my girlfriend, a model, who i was so proud of could have done something so disgusting. Even though she insisted that i was being unfair, "it happened before i met you", she would say, I still couldn't quite let it go - although i agreed with her in prinsipal. This became an issue, and i kept bringing it up. At first every day, then weekly, then mayby a couple of months later. I started asking questions i had no right to ask, and insisting that she anwer. But still, even after this other country, we desided to stay together and I (unemployed at the time - this part is not as bad as it sounds, i could support myself and i did a language course) moved in with her in her native country for about a month. That wasn't all easy. But anyway, after this i went home, we continued, (mostly good times, dont misunderstand, but this thing was like a thorn in my side), and after christmas things were working out really well. I felt like i was finally coming completely over it (about 6 months after she told me), i went to visit for a week (she was here in christmas), and i found out by reading her messages (another thing i'm ashamed of, but i'm trying to be honest) that the last time she slept with him was infact after she met me. After we planed our first date, and only a week before we first had sex. And so now it all came rushing back, only 10 times stronger. I basically treated her like sh*t for the rest of the days i was there, lost complete controll over my emotions. She pointed out that it still was before us, so she didn't cheat, and that i had sex with someone else the same time as she did (it's true, but the difference is that this was a girl i had a relationship with who came and visited me, so it was planed, and i was always honest about this). She is right. But i still can't help feeling this way. It's absurd, because most of the time i'm not even sure exactly why i'm hurt anymore. And alot of it goes back to this initial feeling of sock, disbelief and disgust. Also i found out that she had talked to him resently, something she had hid from me. Not really a big deal, but i made it such a huge issue about trust.

I'm in no way proud of this story. Or of myself. And this whole sh*t has messed up my brain to the point that i now am jealous about other things as well. I'm not treating her right and she should leave me. She insists she wants to stay. I realize she wont for long if i keep this up. Funny thing is that i really love her. And save for a timemachine, theres no other way to deal with this than to get over it. I've proved useless in this task.

Will i get over it? How? If I do, will these new jealousies (i.e. her talkinf\flirting with other guys) end as well? Should i leave her now just to spare her and myself more pain? Or is there a way? From what you have read (and i thank you if you read all of this, i realize it's a novel); do you think there is a way out, a solution? Is it possible to start over, or will the relationship for ever be tainted by this issue?

Do people change? I mean, i changed into a jealous and sometimes angry guy, but is it possible to change back?

Please feel free to judge, comment, give oppinion or advice.

First . . .

You DO NOT love this girl. People often make the mistake of thinking of "love" merely as the antonym for "hate" but that is really just an insult to "love". Think of all the other emotions . . . you can always "explain" them away. Fear, hate, and dare I say . . . even lust. You're scared of the dark? Flip a switch! You hate Jack? Clear up some misunderstandings and he asks for forgiveness and that's pretty much that.

But Love . . . love truly encompasses EVERYTHING. It simply swallows everything else up so there can be no room in love for jealousy. You hear wife beaters say "LOVE" all the time. "You're leaving me? But I love you!" "I love you! Why do you make me do this to you!!??"

If you truly loved this girl . . . all would be swell.

Secondly, your issues don't really have anything to do with your girlfriend nor do they have much to do with your relationship with her. I think you already realize this because logically, you seem to know what you're feeling doesn't make sense at all. You've had girlfriends. She's had boyfriends. So do your best to STOP PROJECTING your shit on her. She did nothing wrong. What you're doing now is as ridiculous as going to the zoo to shoot a monkey because a tiger in India killed a kid.

STOP HURTING OTHERS. This is merely a choice. You have CHOSEN to hurt her whereas you could have sat down and said to yourself, "Hmm . . . OK, I won't be mean to her." Nobody and NO-thing is making you behave in any particular way. YOU are making yourself behave one way or another. I'm sure you don't think of yourself as an asshole . . . so don't behave like one.

That's about it because these are the two very obvious truths that I can find in your post. The rest . . . beginning with, "why you feel this way" - can be due to a million different things but I'm quite sure that you're girlfriend is not one of the million. You'll run into a situation like this in other parts of your life and you'll probably go through similar emotions and its physical, real-life consequences.

So without "why", it's difficult to figure out "how". . . Others might give the "couch psychiatry" a shot but without discussing things in depth, this will be very difficult.

And I'll just say this again. Man up . . . you know deep inside your girlfriend doesn't deserve your negative shit. Control yourself. . . remember, no matter what . . . it's ONLY a decision. If you can't make a decision to be nicer instead of meaner, let her go now . . .

Honestly...do just what you said! Get over it!!!!!

You're becoming one of the worst kind of guys ever! The kind that women think they need to fix! You two might have some of the greatest memories in the past and that's probably why she wants to 'fix' you...she remembers what you used to be like and wants 'you' back!

Another thing! As fucked up as it may sound...you can't ever love someone unless you accept every aspect of their life and enjoy or take it for what it is! jealousy can be ok in very small doses and as long as you never act on those feelings!

In my opinion(that's exactly what it is...MY opinion)...I would let her go...you may not be a PUA, but you're still here asking for advice! Leave her better than she was when before you met her!! Although this idea should apply to every aspect in life...it seems to have only been adopted in this community. Although leaving her now she'll probably be tore up that she couldn't fix you, let her go now before you get any worse!

If you think I was mean...get over it...you asked for honest opinions

-Crain Diesel

Thanks for your replies. They are far better than anything i had hoped for. It's true I came here for advice, I guess because I trust in the pua community.

C-Diesel, no I don't think you were mean. You could infact have been alot meaner. The things I have been going through, I do not fool myself, I know it is some form of mental disorder. How else would you explain loosing control of emotions? How about obsession? Or agression? But I am "waiking up". Kasabi, your post is moving. Although I do dissagree with what you said about love, I don't think love means all is swell, love is also a struggle, I do however see that what i described is far more sick than what struggle there is in love, and so can understand why you would say that i don't love her. I do however believe that I do, but i will give this thought. Everything both of you wrote has given me lots to think about. It is truely my responsibility, my CHOICE, it is as you say always a choice. I havent become jealous as i wrote in my first post, rather I have let myself become it. Your analogy about the abusive guy made me shiver. Have I not been abusive too? Words can hurt as much as punches.

This is hard. I'm trying to deal with this without turning to self-loathing, as i see how that can only make everything worse. I'm starting to think long term and strategically, countering my emotions, which i guess is good, it feels like the path that will hopefully, eventually lead me back to who i was.

I do not forgive myself. To be honest, right now i dont know if i have the strenght to be strong. To be honest, when i think of who i have become, i scare myself.

That last post sounded dramatic. "Who i have become" needs atleast some explenation. I am not violent, and save for a few days after i found out, not agressive. However i have been self-pitying, obsessive and hurtful. And jealous. I lost my fun, is what it is, and found my inner afc. Sick.

In my opinion, words are much more powerful than punches. Think about this. Words create war. Words create peace. Words create hate. Guys running around with guns is just an result of an exchange of words.
Not blaming others is a positive step but you've got to stop blaming yourself. Again, there are so many different possibilities for "why" you feel the way you do, you might just go in circles if you try this on your own. For now, keep making the RIGHT DECISIONS and be proud and happy that you're able to do this. Many choose not to make right decisions and continue with that crap . . . "I love her but 2 years ago she, blah blah . . . I love her but when I was a kid, my mother . . .blah blah blah . . . I love her but when we first met . . . blah blah blah . . . I love her but at work . . . blah blah blah . . "

See, as soon as you make ONE correct decision, (This is as simple as choosing vanilla or chocolate ice cream) you've already changed yourself. Think about that. One correct decision that adds positive energy between you and others already makes you better than you might have been. This is HOW you change. You don't keep thinking about what you did before and how you should have done things better. You already KNOW this over and over and over again. Instead, focus on what's going on right now. You have a girl who is totally into you in spite of your F ups. When you feel the urge to make a bad decision . . . even if you're 5 seconds into doing something stupid. Just STOP yourself. Just stop EVERYTHING. Give yourself 10 seconds to just reflect and simply choose one flavor of ice cream over another. It's as simple as that. Don't be your "former self". Be better than you ever were.

Just by sticking around, your girlfriend has already forgiven you for your past crap. However, verbally asking for forgiveness and receiving "verbal confirmation of her acceptance of your apology" could really help you . . . Do this as soon as you can . . .