I've heard Mystery explain well the evolutionary reasons for AA. This was useful for me to break it down.
Has anyone seen or heard an explanation for Oneitis?
It's something I find I can so easily fall into. Like at work, there are some nice chicks, but there's this real sweet girl who I was gutted to find out was moving to an office of the same firm, but 80 miles away, and living out there now too. At her leaving party I had too many cockblocks in the way to really do as much as I liked, however I built some rapport and did give her a kiss on the cheek goodbye which no-one else did so she might know that I'm interested. She comes back once a week and I think a lot about trying to get her, but if KT Tunstall songs have taught me anything it's that long distance relationships suck. In theory I know I should give this up and pursue other girls, so why do I feel like obsessing?
Is it some past tribal need to not miss out on your best opportunity?

Yes. Like AA, oneitis are hardwired from our tribal days and hold no purpose in today's society.

First you have to realize that tribes of people thousands of years ago were only of a magnitude of about 50 or so people. Within this group, half were men, half were taken, and half of the remainder were too young or too old. This only left around 5 or so possible mates for males or females. However, unlike AA, oneitis is instilled in the minds of men and women, although some would argue it's stronger in men.

The reason behind the 'crush' is that it would be very, very rare the group to run into a stranger. There would automatically be a sense of curiosity and intrigue as well as a possibility of danger. Once this person was established as safe or friendly, and this person was a possible mate for the opposite sex, then it was definitely in the best interest for those of the opposite sex to pursue that. Mating opportunities were scarce, and the obsession that people feel in these situations is our brain telling us that 'she may be your only chance! You have to act!'

Oneitis can also develop over time with a person. Again, this has less to do with the stranger entering the group, and more to do with our brain pushing us as to not have our genes weeded out of existence. Once you gain a strong rapport and friendship with someone of the opposite sex who is of high value, these natural mechanisms in our brain fire "great, you snagged one. Now you need to mate while you have the chance!"

However, because oneitis are caused by these thought processes, they can be easily reversed by widening your horizons. Once you are interacting and flirting (and preferably having success with) different mates, these feelings shut down and this person is taken off your mind.

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There are no failures, only feedback.

I'd say it comes down to wanting what you can't or haven't yet obtained. Simple as that. It's primal to say the least.

I think there's an element of settling for something in a "she's nice enough, she'll do, can't be chasing too often" kind of way, now I think about it. Know what I mean?

I figure that oneitis gets triggered so that you'll support your "ideal" mate and your offspring. To give your offspring the greatest chance of survival, they'll need food, shelter, etc.

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

It's also something hammered into men and women by the media.

The one. The special one. The one that makes you complete. A special connection with someone you knew when you were growing up (Slumdog Millionaire, Forrest Gump, etc.).

Should point out two facts.

1. A loving monogamy and one-itis are two separate things.

One-itis is an unnatural and illogical attachment to one person.
This would suggest a short circuit of some sort, rather than a pre-wired behaviour. If it was pre-wired, then One itis would be alot more common.

2. From what I know women get affected by AA and one-itis just as much as men do.

Oneitis is extremely common and it happens to most guys at one point in their life. I can tell its not a mental issue. Its true that the human body is programmed to overreact to almost any situation, and in the case of reproduction, one-itis is basically a typical overreaction happening.

You've given your mind the disillusionment through excessive thought that this girl is the only one you can have and eventually you'll work yourself into saying shes the only one you want.

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Tyler Durden: F off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.

From what I've read of anthropology I would suggest that oneitis is ideally something that just Beta males develop, although due to the way our society has developed clear distinctions between Alphas, Betas and other designations have blurred, hence why most men experience it to an extent. The reason for it is that Alphas impregnate many women and then Betas are tricked into raising the offspring of those Alphas. So basically oneitis is the mechanism by which those men are roped into caring for children that aren't theirs because they desire to please a girl that isn't truly their mate, but whom they will do anything for because they feel that they are "in love" with her even though it is only one sided.

Now, where's my award and fame for explaining something? Mystery got his and his theories are based upon his own lack of self-esteem, not scientifically proven facts.

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

What do you mean? Can't say I've ever particularly disagreed with any of his theories but maybe you can elaborate?

The way I'd look at it is that if virtually every man gets oneitus at some point (I know I have, won't happen again though ), that means that in the past, guys who were prone to oneitus were more likely to pass on their genes, thats a fact that you can't argue with that.

I'd hypothisise that the reason for that is that in tribal societies, the opportunities for mating with a *high quality* female were so limited, if a man senced the opportunity to mate (i.e. you think she might like you), it was advantageous to become "obsessed" with the female with whom he sensed the opportunity to mate, until he actually boned her. Of course this is just my theory and is by no means gospel.

Monogamy is very common and most guys go through it at some point in their lives.

One-itis is rarer, it's like a schoolyard crush which has gone over blown. And I wouldn't say the human body is programmed to over-react, it has multiple conflicting drugs running through the brain, which are what cuase emotions. These emotions are like an unconcious logic telling you what the primitive way to solve the situation would be.

Sure I can argue that. Oneitis is a one-sided obsession, where no sexual/romantic interest is returned, thus that guy isn't going to have sex and isn't going to pass on his genes with that girl.

It's possible that in the end he settles for another girl and has kids with her, but he's not going to have sex with many women because he isn't a dominant Alpha male. I don't mean this in the way PUAs refer to it, I mean it in the way that animals who are Alphas are the ones who impregnate entire packs and Betas are the care givers for the children. Based upon anthroplogy oneitis appears to be the emotional genetic trait that seperates Alphas from Betas by consigning them to servitude to women who they aren't mates with, yet will still care for the other man's offspring.

As for what I said about Mystery basing his theories off of poor self-esteem, I was refering to negging and AA, as well as his whole M3 model and all sorts of other things that are based around his own personal situation and how he experienced interacting with women. He based it all upon his own references, which are built upon poor self-esteem and so aren't properly suited to men with high self esteem and actually cause people to become disfunctional as a result. Look around the community and you'll see how many regular guys turned really weird after spending a lot of time working with MM. The whole concept of "approach anxiety" is actually incredibly debilitating and causes people to become less confident and fight their own instincts due to misunderstanding them.

For a positive interpretation of what many people call "approach anxiety", that will actually empower you and help motivate you to approach women better than trying to overcome your "fear" of talking to women, you should check out an article I wrote about Approach Anticipation Excitement. Many people who have been struggling to overcome their "AA" have told me that after reading this they instantly went out and approached a dozen different women without any problem. If you're dealing with similar issues, then I think it will change your life.

Check it out: approach-anticipation-excitement-vt35880.html

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

Imho oneitis can not be explained evolutionary because it's not something that comes from the body but from the brain. It's psychological not a physical thing. It's not like your body discharges substances in your brain that make you think of the girl. It's like getting addicted to something like browsing this forum or watching tv. You get addicted because you like doing it so much but you are not physically addicted to it like cocaine or caffeine. Whatever we try to explain evolutionary comes from our body and maybe our consciousness but not from our mind which we have control over. It is a matter of thought pattern. You tend to think certain topics when your mind is free. If you understand this and break the though pattern to something else you win . Basically I think oneitis is all about wanting what u cant have and doesnt have to do with being A or B.

Psychology can be explained by evoloution, hence why the term "evolutionary psychology" exists. It applies to both conscious and subconscious psychology as well. So your arguement isn't true.

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

While I respect you as a master PUA, you are wrong. The fact that onitus is a trait that is ubiquitous, means that without question, at some point in our evolutionary history, having such a trait gave those individuals an advantage, which is why they passed on their genes and other didn't. The same reason we all have two eyes, or opposable thumbs etc.

In todays society, unhealthy obsession with a single female is obviously a crutch, but if you cast your mind back to tribal days, possibly even before we had evolved into humans, becoming obsessed (replace with whatever equivalent word you want) with a female with whom you wanted to mate with MUST have given a higher chance of actually mating with her. The only explaination I can forward for why that is true, is that, while you may only have had a handful of viable mates, THE SAME PROBLEM EXISTED FOR HER.

If you were to pay her particular attention, bring her whatever berries you had gathered or meat from whatever buffalo you had slayn and one of your competitors for her affections from the cave next door did not, of course you would have increased your chance of scoring with her. If she only has 3-5 viable partners and you were the one to show her attention in a manner that would increase her survival chances, then it must have, at some point in our history, vastly improved your chances of mating. Hence the ubiquity of oneitus.

Of course today, when a woman has options with literally thousands of potential mates, an obsession makes you look weak and needy compared to the square jawed football player who doesn't give a shit.

Thats my take anyway, but there is no way you can argue for the evolution of a trait like oneitus by saying that "he may have then gone and shagged the next ape-girl" because it doesn't make any justification for the evolution of the trait. If what you are arguing was in fact the case, oneitus would have been weeded out and whatever traits the guy who finally ended up boning the alpha-female posessed would have been passed on instead.


Just as a side note, some of the other arguements I'm reading here are utterly ridiculous. "You only want what you can't have". Give me a break. We're dicussing why a certain trait evolved. While my explaination probably isn't 100% correct, this cliched bullshit is certainly not the answer.