Note: This was originally posted on another forum, and has been reposted here.
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In my situation, it is vital to recognize the distiction between TITLES (Capitalized) and roles (non-capitalized) the Primary is the one who bears the 'title' and role of Girlfriend and may refer to me as her Boyfriend, whereas the secondaries all recognize that they can maintain the 'role' of girlfriend and behave with me and towards me as their boyfriend, but that ours is not an overriding relationship.
Curious. How often do you change Primaries? Is it possible for a lower case girlfriend to become the upper case, and if so, how? What are the differences in benefits between the upper case and lower case girlfriends? I mean, what do I get/give from having the title that I wouldn't get/give as a role playing girlfriend? Is it solely a matter of geography, that is, the Primary being the one who's in the bed at home base?
I don't 'change' Primaries per se, but from time-to-time conditions arise which necessitate moving-on from one situation to the next, and generally by mutual consent my 'Most Significant Other' (aka Girlfriend-of-Record] and I opt to separate to some degree.
Fundamentally this is a lot like a 'break up' usually because we've grown apart, become disenchanted, poorly-managed expectations, or perhaps even found someone else which compels a change-of-status.
I don't really have any EX Girlfriends or ex girlfriends, but merely girlfriends-in-remission, so to speak. They opt to disconnect for whatever reasons, knowing that I was always very honest and direct about everything with them; and that my door will always remain open for their return.
Normally, a secondary girlfriend isn't actually LOOKING for anything more 'heavy' than the relationship we have, and therefore isn't looking to 'trade-up' to Girlfriend Title and situation, but then it's also incorrect to describe their status as a 'role playing' thing; I am _A_ boyfriend of theirs, just as they are _A_ girlfriend of mine, and there's no complicated overhead.
The major difference between Primary and secondary roles is, as you suggested, that my Girlfriend would share be living with me, and we'd share a bed under normal circumstances. She would feel confident in introducing me to her family and business associates as Her Man, and would normally house most of all of her clothing in our shared closet, anticipate my returning to our shared Home each evening, unless explicitly expecting an agreed-to variation.
My Primary always maintains her own home, separate from Ours, which we both contribute-to-upkeep on, so that if either of us wants to bring a 'date' someplace, we can have some privacy.
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Rule One: I WILL BE NO WOMAN'S ONLY MALE LOVER!;
Rule Two: Every girlfriend MUST DO HER BEST to get along with my other girlfriends.
If I were to ignore your other girls, would that be acceptable to fulfill this requirement? I mean, if I were the Primary, would I have to take phone messages and actually, like, talk to them and occasionally break bread with them and stuff? Or is it enough to not want to have anything, positive or negative, to do with them? And is whining, "Goddamnit, Johnny, I wanted you home for Thanksgiving," a violation of this rule, or is a little of that acceptable so long as the complaint is centered on general dissatisfaction that you can't be everywhere at once, rather than deep resentment toward the other woman?
I never insist people DO get-along as friends, but I ALWAYS insist they not conspire nor act-out against one-another, nor slag each other to me or associated third-parties. (This is disharmonious and counter-productive, and in truth practically never takes place at all - the filters by which I decide upon my friends are very consistent, and tend to pre-qualify each new friend to my other friends.)
Once the notion of competitive rivalry is removed, the finest qualities of each person become obvious, and virtually all of my friends (be they lovers or platonic) tend to enjoy all my other friends.
Taking phone messages is moot, in that I have a service for that connected to my single telephone number (my cellular phone) and that is probably one of the best features of modern telecommunications (exclusive, individual access) because it reduces unnecessary friction.
Dining with, attending social events, etc, is always optional, but normally non-contentious - as long as people are grown-ups TRYING to get along, they usually do. I expect the people I invest my energy in and emotionally expose myself to to display fine maturity (hormonal-crises aside - I track all my gfs cycles in my blackberry's calendar, and set warning-alarms to manage unpredictable mood-swings) and I have rarely been disappointed.
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Every woman I am with knows IMMEDIATELY (because I tell her outright) that when I'm not with her, I'm with someone else. Therefore, I need for her to understand that SHE WILL NOT EVER be entitled to unlimited, unrestricted, nor exclusive access to me, and as such she will need to find ways to keep herself amused when I am elsewhere.
Well, that's simple. On paper. Isn't the real problem the scheduling, however? Yes, I can live without unlimited or exclusive access to you, hon, but we need to sit down and plan out your schedule. Do we both agree that two hours with that whore... er, sorry, I mean your secondary girl in Council Bluffs on Thursday is enough this week, and I should get an hour and a half that evening? No? Okay, how about an hour then? I guess what I'm asking here is whether you mutually plan with your Primary or it's just up to her to be satisfied to expect you when she sees you. Because if it's the former, that sounds like more work than marriage. And if it's the latter, well, quite frankly, I think she's making too big of a concession.
My Primary is JUST THAT: first called and first considered. She's the girl I'm IN LOVE with, in the classic sense, and she is coincidentally in love with me; otherwise we would move on...
So if I have someone else I'd like to meet up with, I coordinate our BOTH having something else to do to at that time, and we determining where we'll be (so either of us can use the shared Home, or conversely 'Her place' or wherever...)
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So, by insisting she has other male playmates, I remove A) her justification for being uptight with me when I'm unavailable to satisfy her cravings, and B) I ensure she continually expands her skillset and her expectations, thereby keeping me on my toes, and preventing my complacency.
Wow, a million questions here, but I'll limit myself. Like, is it conceivable for you to ever be your Primary's Secondary? Would you be okay with that? Or must you always be your Primary's Primary? If so, you really need to add another Rule.
If a Primary is truly Polyamorous, I could handle being a co-Primary for her, otherwise the disparity won't stand.
My 'Two Rules' apply equally to my Primary as to any other woman I date;
however there are understandings held between myself and my Girlfriend which are specific to that relationship.
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Also, what relationship do you maintain with your Primary's Secondaries? Do you have to live by your own Rule 2 that way? Take messages from them and stuff? Work out a schedule that allows your Primary to have time with you but also fit in her Secondaries as she desires?
Of course. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the Gander.
To be frank, I'm also more-than-happy to satisfy multiple-male partner fantasies for my lovers, providing there's no expectation of my sexually interacting with the other men. My explicit request is, if they wish for me to double-penetrate them with another fellow, he ALSO much shave his scrotum, to avoid that nasty Velcro(tm) hook'n'loop effect when we disconnect. Ouchie!
Hope this gives you some context, and helps everyone to see that having a respectful, non-judgmental, non-possessive, sex-positive philosophy can be the secret to a life of hedonistic debauchery without heartbreak!
Best of luck!
Johnny Soporno
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