So for about four months now I've been in a solid FWB relationship with an HB7. Normally, she's great - low maintenance, treats me well, doesn't get overly emotional or jealous, the sex is good if not great. She's nearly always willing to comply when I want to see her, responds to contact in a timely manner, isn't ambiguous about what she's up to, sometimes even ditching her friends to come over.

Now last Friday, I had a small get together where she spent the night, per usual. When I dropped her off, we talked about going to a party at a local fraternity (I normally don't ever go) and I said "get ahold of me later, maybe you can talk me into it" with a smile and grin, also per usual.

Well, she never did, so at 10:44pm I texted her..

Me: Wut up yo
Me: (11:58pm) Guess yer not draggin me to mu theta after all
Her: (3:42am) I ended up passing out lol
Me: (3:48) Haha well ain't that a bitch
Her: (12:34pm, next day) Yes it is :/ i will eventually drag u there
Me: (12:55) I even talked to jason! I also realized I don't know where it is
Her: (1:01) Lol well im just ganna have 2 show u

Now I didn't think much of anything at this point, granted it was still a bit... strange. I mean, she's quite the outgoing/party type girl, and who sleeps between 10 and 4am on a saturday night in a college town? But I didn't really raise an eyebrow until the next day:

Me: (2:18pm) I might be up for some company tonight
Me: (5:20pm) Actually, cancel that. Too much homework. Maybe tomorrow night?

As she was in school until 9pm (and doesn't normally access her phone either) I didn't expect a reply until later. But she never did. Now, 24 hours later, my (paranoid) instinct is speaking up. I can only rationalize so much. Not sure what to do now, though. Like I said, she's been quite loyal and consistent up until these two incidents, though I do find her often texting when she's over here, especially during parties.

So, is this paranoia or do I have a reason to be suspicious? For better or worse, she's currently the only woman I'm sleeping with, and we've never had anything close to a "what are we" conversation. Still, I don't like it.

I'd say you've got cause for worry here.
first off, any behavioral change that happens for seemingly no reason is cause for suspicion, now it's not something you should worry about, but the safe bet is that something happened to her, period, bad day, family/friend issues, school stuff, the list goes on and it could be a lot of things. Now if it's something relatively harmless she will usually confide in you and seek comfort, if she hasn't done this and she is still acting strange you've got cause for worry. Now add that she replied at 3:42 AM and think about every time you or any one you know has passed out from drinking too much...

...How many times has it honestly happened that they woke up before the next morning? Not very often right.
Of course someone could've woken her up, but people won't usually do that where I am from and since she is starting to flake you should (in my opinion) definitely be worried.

But mate, don't start acting strange or interrogate her, sit down - think up some routines that'll clarify perfectly what has happened without her noticing that you're "questioning" her.

Also on a side note, I wouldn't worry about her text'ing when she's with you. Her behavior has changed because something had an impact on her emotionally. If she was already cheating her behavior wouldn't change if that is what she has done this time, but again: before you do something stupid MAKE SURE. She might just not be up for some company because it's that time of the month

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln

Because i can.

Thanks for the very detailed and insightful post. SOMETHING is up, rather sure of that, unless this is some "I didn't get your text messages" bullshit - which, by the way, is that ever NOT bullshit?

Now let me clarify really quick - she's not my girlfriend, no possibility of "cheating", but if I know anything about women (especially the young'ns) they are very afraid of letting any guy know they are or might be sleeping with someone else. However, even if she was on the rag, some kind of reply would be fine, or even a "I've love to hang out but it's not a good time for much fun stuff" or something to that effect. That's been pretty typical of my partners in the past.

I'm left to ponder what this emotional disturbance could be. Any example of these "routine" types? I suppose I could easily guide into some sort of story next I see her (without seeming interrogatey). I was considering a topic starter such as "so jason was pretty stoked when I told him I might be coming by, I think you really let those guys down" in a humorous tone. Might prompt a story. Thing about stories, they often have holes, exaggerations, and omissions of truth.

Did I mention I'd like to thank my last two girlfriends for my recent trust issues? Moving on..

Got a text from her tonight.

Her (10:55pm) Hey
Me: (1115) Hey
Her (1125) What have u been up to?
Me: (1146) Nm got company

Which was true - though it was just a friend. I use the word "company" for any visitors - keeps things ambiguous, and open for conversation. I think I handled this just fine - if for some strange reason there was a technical error and she never actually received my texts from the previous day, then I haven't shot myself in the foot. If she did, then she may have realized by now that ignoring them is not the way to keep my interest/attention. The second message "What have u been up to" I'm probably over analyzing, but it's different than "what are you up to" as it implies we hadn't talked/seen each other in awhile. She usually comes and stays the night 1-2 weeknights, and usually 1 or maybe both weekendnights.

This might seem overly simple, but the simple is often the best.

If she keeps this up (looks like she's getting back to you, given the last text though) meet up with her, sit down and simply ask her "You've been distant lately, what's wrong?"

Now, what you'll probably get is something like "Nothing, it's all good." or some of that bullshit, simply Soft Next her. It's mainly a technique to use in relationships, but FWB is a kind of relationship, just not exclusive.

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Alea iacta est - The die has been cast

That's just it mate, A lot of community guys are great thinkers, is that a good thing to be when something suddenly starts to feel wrong? No, you start over thinking things and everything just goes downhill from there. You need to be calm cool and collected. Yes, something is up with her, lets find out what it is. That has to be your mindset.

And as The Dice said. Simple is often the best solution. So how do we go about it in a simple way? Well as The Dice says you could just go direct and ask her.

Or as you said, stories often have plot-holes, exaggerations and bits of truth flying around in the check if she is congruent. If she is talking about; omg, we had such a fun night and accidentally drank way too much with whats-his-dace before passing out, but her body-language while telling the story says that she might as well have been chewing a cheeseburger at McDonald's then something is up.

You could also ask Jason "Hey man, "insert name" has been acting a bit emotional, did something happen at the party?"

It could be that she slept with someone else and she is feeling "guilty" about it, of course it's okay for her to do so, but the fuzzy girl logic tells them that they have to be careful not to be "slutty" if this is the case you handled the exchange perfectly, by letting her know you had "company" it gives her green light to have done the same and if you don't give her sleeping with another dude any value, she'll talk about it with you.

It seems like she was trying to reach out, I'd say invite her over, see if things are still weird, often people will fall into their old patterns when spending time together and if that happens - fine. If not and she is still acting up, then start the sneaky questions, or direct ones if you prefer.

Yes, "what have you been up to" is different than "What are you up to" I've noticed that my girlfriends use "What are you up to?" in cases where we have a routine or pattern, say if we usually sleep together twice a week. Then she'll write "What are you up to?" Not because she wants to know what I am up to, but because she wants to know if i have time for her. When we don't have a pattern, or when we've recently broken or pattern she uses "What have you been up to" It initiates rapport and it's less direct but actually what she is really after is the same thing as with the first question. She wants to know if you have time for her.

"Did I mention I'd like to thank my last two girlfriends for my recent trust issues? Moving on.." haha, I love it. Man I feel you.

Good luck out there.

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln

Because i can.

A lot of good stuff here. I always intend to communicate about honesty being the best policy, especially in these non-exclusive FWB relationships where it isn't usually implied like traditional ones. Honestly, I can't get upset if she sleeps with another guy, because I am still pursuing other women. But I don't tolerate lying, it leads to more lies, and before long you've got another person where you can't really trust anything they say.

Good to know I handled the exchange well. I wasn't planning to invite her over necessarily, seeing as how this Friday I'm having a (big) party and am 99% sure she'll be there. Leaving Thursday night for her to hang out. It's still rather possible that I'm overthinking things, but as a former cheater and liar, and someone who's had the same done to me, my gut instinct is usually pretty accurate in these scenarios. My last solid FWB (who happened to be an ex) I knew her well enough to tell when she was lying or hiding things about her sexual involvement with other guys. The "fuzzy girl logic" is exactly what raises cause for concern.

Dice, thanks for the direct advice. An example like that was perfect, and I'll likely use it. To be clear, a Soft Next is basically just pulling away from her, emotionally at the very least? To me, the actual "Friend" part of FWB is important, especially if the interaction doesn't involve into an actual relationship. College circles in a small town, word gets around.

Dirty, I like your suggestions on the indirect approach. Sadly, this Jason in question (a friend of mine for three years) has been in the middle of my "what's this girl I'm fucking been up to" drama, rather not involve him again if I don't have to but it's an idea at least. The whole thing is definitely fishy if nothing else. Also, thanks a bit for clarifying the texting stuff and the difference between "what you up to" and "been up to", but you're right; either way, she's trying to see if I have time for her.

Can't believe the company thing was such a great idea. I've been looking for an easy way to convey the message "I'm seeing other people, so should you, it's not a big deal" rather than "this is heading towards a relationship, and soon" because I think we do spend a good time of time together, and as I said she's the only girl I'm sleeping with at the moment and likely true vice versa.

Thanks again for the suggestions, and I'll be sure to check back in with any progress when I have it. To be clear, tonight I am busy but tomorrow night I should consider inviting her out/over and applying these techniques? I think it'd be best to clear the air a bit before my party on Friday - where I flirt with and game other women at the same time. I'd like to point out the silly "jealous fuck" tactic that females seem to employ sometimes. You know, when they don't have exclusivity, then learn you are (sleeping) with other girls, then go fuck a low value guy out of spite? I had that happen to me in an FWB a year ago. After about a month, I had my HB9 FWB over for a party, and she couldn't make it the next night, so I slept with a HB6/7 that threw herself at me. Later when asked about it, I didn't lie. The HB9, over spring break, had a one night stand, admitting that me sleeping with another girl was what sparked it, and asked for exclusivity. She had it for about two days.

The crazy things girls will do when they like a guy... but I suppose we aren't much better, are we?

A soft next, is when you reciprocate bad behaviour with an immediate freeze out. You should read the full explanation here

drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

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Alea iacta est - The die has been cast

I second the soft next. If the girl starts acting up, you just go cold turkey for a few days. This is what I did with a FWB not too while ago. She crossed one of my boundaries and I just got up and left.

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In a funk? Read this

pua-lounge/the-importance-patience-this ... his%20game

So basically, continue as planned. A friend of mine asked if I was going to invite her out/over before the party friday, and I wasn't sure. Basing on soft next principles, you would advise I don't initiate any more contact tonight/tomorrow, and if she does, to either ignore it or be too busy.

Assertive, what's your take on the convo from last night? Where I responded "nm have company" and she never got back. Flat out ignoring contact is something I personally hate when people do, especially girls, so it feels a bit hypocritical to do it back.

On topic, two minutes ago she texted me "How was your company".

Fire away.

Let the text simmer for a bit. Do what you were doing before that text. Then come back to it. Your reply should lead to somewhere. Just don't fall into a conversation trap.

_________________
In a funk? Read this

pua-lounge/the-importance-patience-this ... his%20game

Yeah, jealousy buttons are definitely being pushed. Wasn't going to respond for awhile, at least an hour or two. What do you mean lead somewhere? I absolutely abhor talking about anything remotely serious via text.

Something like "it was good, we had fun. So what have you been up to?" or possibly something even more nonchalant...

I want to get better at "punishing via soft next" tactics, just because I don't like them doesn't mean I shouldn't use them.

You've been doing well.

You could do what Dice said. But I would reciprocate bad behaviour immediately and hope she opens up first with "why have you been distant and ignoring me?" Anyway, she's talking now, so you may as well resume talking as per usual.

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Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.

So about 2 hours after receiving that text, I replied.

Me: Good, how've you been lately?
Her: Good, doing lots of projects
Me: Same midterms are a bitch
Her: Sooooo true
Me: (T+20m) haven't seen ya in awhile
Her: I know it has been a while
Me: Was hoping you were available last night
Her: I thought u had company lastnight?
Me: I did, you never got back to me
Her: My bad
Her: I may have fallen asleep
Me: In the afternoon?
Her: Yeah after school i slept til 7 then woke up when (her friends) woke me up then went back to sleep a half hour later i may have slept most of the day yesterday
Me: I texted you twice, on Monday.
Her: I had to pay my phone bill so it was off 4 2 days so i didn't get them
Me: Weird
Her: Y is that weird?
Me: Cause its never happened since I met you?
Her: I know because I usually pay it the day it goes off but i had to put money in my account in order to pay it and i didn't go to the bank until yesterday
Me: Okay well warn me next time, hah. Cause I wasn't having the b est day yesterday and wanted some company (true story)
Her: I wouldn't just not text u back 4 2 days there is usually a reason if I don't text back
Her: I'm sorry I will why weren't you having a bad day?
Me: Okay, well that's been an issue for me before. Plus Saturday was kinda weird too. But anyways ill tell ya about it later, just started with watching a movie with (my female friend)
Her: Ok
Me: I might be free tomorrow night, get ahold of me then if you wanna do somethin
Her: Ok I will

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for my own peace of mind. Nonetheless, feel free to critique / analyze.

You shouldn't have brought it up. Now she knows you're all butt hurt. Can't show that card.

I think what she said is probably a load of crap. Sure she might be using a prepaid phone, but she probably still needs it to talk to her friends. So in the very least she should have warned you, or something.

But that's fine because you basically negged her by telling her you were watching a movie with a friend, and to text you later.

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Before she can respect you, you need to respect yourself.