TL:DR The whole concept is just confusing. Feeling "undateable" is damaging to my ego and self esteem. My consolation is convincing myself these women weren't worth more than FWB anyways, not "girlfriend material". Has anyone here been in these situations where you wanted more, but the girl wanted to just be FWB?

Have you ever started having feelings for a girl, wanted more, and got LJBF?

Of course you have. We all have. It's a hallmark of our AFC days. I got this over and over in my younger years, since then I have learned to limit myself to not fall for a girl until sexual boundaries were crossed and she seemed interested back.

But what about after you've established a sexual realtionship with a HB, and expressed an interest for more... and got "I think we're better off as friends (with benefits)"? Until last June, when I was dumped for the first time in my life, I had never been on the receiving end of this statement. About a week after, I met a HB8 who was really into me. We took it slow, established a friendship, then about a month in, we kissed. It was good. Afterwards she asked me about it, and I told her I liked her and wanted to see where it goes. Immediately, she protested she didn't want to lead me on, and didn't want to jump into a relationship. We worked it out, and over the next few months things progressed emotionally and sexually but after she moved away (90min back to uni) she said "We both need to look for a serious relationship, and for that I think it's better that we are just friends."

Around the time she moved away, the ex that broke up with me came back to town. She wanted to be friends, and quickly we discovered through time alone that sex was back on the table. I maintained this finite FWB attitude (as she was planning to reunite with her serious boyfriend before me) but then she broke things off with him. This was three weeks ago... she began acting more like a girlfriend towards me, and sex became more frequent and better. The "what are we" talk came up yesterday, as I was interested in something more exclusive as my feelings developed, and she revealed a similar truth to the previous girl: "I like you as a friend, and the benefits are good, but I don't have those feelings for you."

The only thing I can really think of is the vibe that I am portraying. After my last serious relationship ended (a year ago, when I picked up PUA) I set out with a mission: casual, FWB-type relationships. Coincidentally, the next three women I entered these with all wanted more eventually, including the ex that ended up breaking up with me. Since I was dumped, I made some life changes. I put serious work into myself, lost weight, got loads better at guitar, stopped drinking and drugs completely (I have a problem with these), and realized that what I'd really like now is to find a woman that I can have a relationship with, not just this endless string of hookups and FWBs.

I've boiled it down to the following possible problems:

1) I'm focusing too much on "finding a girlfriend".
2) I come off as a "player" until I close, then I give this "I like you" vibe. Inconsistent.
3) Through PUA, I've been able to attract higher quality women - but put them on a pedestal.
4) My previous relationships were low quality, so when I find a woman who is high quality I don't know how to keep them interested.
5) I've somehow found women on the planet that can separate sex and emotion.

Regardless of the possible problem, I suspect that "I need a girlfriend" attitude persists in my personality, and I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm older, sober, and don't want this "college party" lifestyle anymore. I'd rather be in a relationship. Should I not settle for these FWB type things? You'd think most guys would never complain about having FWBs, but if it's not what you want... well, you know. I'm considering just giving up gaming girls for a few months and just focusing on personal development and myself. You know, exercise, school, guitar, social life, etc... sobriety has left something of a "void" in my life now. My social life took a big hit, although I rarely go a day without doing SOMETHING with one of my friends at least. I had this "life of the party" persona built up before, and it's nearly impossible to maintain when I DON'T WANT TO PARTY. I keep seeing my ex on a FWB type level, and that's not likely to stop any time soon, but I can't help but wonder if settling for an FWB with her or spending so much time with her is worth the investment if that's as far as it will get. Of course, some NSA casual sex with a HB9 is pretty hard to walk away from, isn't it? However, I've noticed that between her and the usual "winter laziness" that I've been going to the gym/running less, playing guitar less, getting out and doing things less... my free time gets chunked up with a girl I like hanging out with, LOVE having sex with, and genuinely just enjoy being around. I always try to make myself less available, but I seem to keep working her into my free time. Re-reading this post, it seems my problem is very apparent, and the solution as well usually, but I come to these forums for you guys outside the box to smack some sense into me.

You should always balance life out. Dropping things you want to do just to make time for a girl feeds into the neediness vibe. Ironically, when you are focused on other things such as social life, career development, hobbies, gym, and other things, the girlfriend will come on its own. It is important to work on your lifestyle instead of looking for a girlfriend. Your lifestyle should be giving you opportunities on meeting women regardless and like I said, it will come on its own.

For example, I have my own life and the girls I get with know it and respect it. They also value my time and when I want to see them they make sure to be on their best behavior or at least leave all the negative shit at home. Just the other day I made this girl wait another day for sex because I wanted to workout and do laundry. Like what kind of man does that? lol. I chose working out and sex because I could not do it during the week because of school and I felt like shit. She was angry at me but she came around and made sure to be available last night ;P.

Another point, you cannot achieve girlfriend status if you act like a man who is looking for a friends with benefits, casual sex or one night stands. Your attitude will reflect that. Like you can't be out in public and ogling and going after tail and then expect to be in the mindset of getting a girlfriend. The less you game, the more you gain; being completely detached from the outcome will serve you best.

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I definitely agree about balancing life out. My grades are the best they've been, and I do have a variety of friends and such. Sobriety in a small town, coupled with many friends who either have little/no money or spend it all on drugs/alcohol gets frustrating.

Having the mindset of looking for a girlfriend, eh? See I still wonder why my FWB mindset ended up keeping me in control previously, though. I don't seek ONS/Casual, but lately that is what I keep getting offered... and I can't logically argue why I should turn it down.