| So 4 some reason I decided to watch some porn last night....actually, fuck that, there was no "some reason", I've always enjoyed porn, so I know exactly why, it's just a habit I guess.....but anyways, after all this bullshit I don't think I will ever enjoy it again!!!
The whole time I couldn't keep my eyes off of the male(s) in the scene, like I was noticing them fumbling their hands w/ a pillow, or how their leg keeps bouncing up & down due to nervousness...It all just put me right back in the moment of my horribly embarrassing situation...I kept thinking to myself, "This guy is obviously nervous. Why is he able to keep an erection & I wasn't?"...unhealthy, I know.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?!?!?!?....I feel very inadequate right now!!! I almost wanna try again to prove to myself that I can do it properly.
I keep going back & forth in my mind thinking:
"Okay well, u fucked up, u had 1 of the hottest girls I've ever been w/ ready & willing to have sex w/ u. How the fuck could I fuck that up?!?!"....
to
"Okay well, when she took me in the bedroom to try & "fluff" me(which she was not even paid to do) I had a rock solid boner & I know I would have been fine. So it is obviously just the other males in the room intently judging my performance that was the problem"....
I know none of this is healthy for me, thinking about this at all can't be helping. I've had some very good sex since the "incident"(lol)...but I still just can't get out of my head, & I feel like shit, anxious, depressed, all that garbage...God I wish I would have just passed on that.
Some say being humbled is a good thing...Well, what if I've been humbled in every other part of my life 4 my whole life?!? I have a shitty job, I'm broke, I have no education to rely on & I'm getting older. I've had some serious issues w/ substance abuse which I had to seriously humble myself to get through, any girl that gets to close to me rolls out as soon as they get to know me too well...I am a humbled motherfucker!!!
NONE OF THIS HAS EVER MATTERED TO ME THOUGH because I've always had 1 thing going 4 me...SEX, I'm good at getting women to have sex w/ me & I keep them coming back 4 more...It's really all I've ever had...& I've always been very happy w/ this set of circumstances....But now THIS... I really feel like a complete failure.
I really need you guys right now because I don't know who else would be more capable of breathing life back into me then the group of guys that helped me to get right over a decade ago in the 1st place. Maybe a reading that anyone could point me towards? Words of wisdom? Inner game? Something? I feel like shit.
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