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Sounds like your writing a formal letter to your boss, not your future girlfriend. Remember who your writing to.
Also sounds like your letting a desperate effect take you, you never notice a girl till shes gone and that's when you want them. I would work on looking at the girl and thinking "if I saw her everyday for the next 6 months would I still be happy to see her the next day?" (if your looking for LTR ofc)
I don't suggest getting her number through a friend so your right about that part though.
Make your E-mail to her something personal and unique, she probly gets e-mails everyday from 5 different guys sending her the exact same thing you wrote
can you give me an example of personal and unique? I think she likes me already so i dont see a reason to impress her with something special.
can i just say a little about her personality so you guys know what kind of girl i am talking about...she is very polite...she doesnt say "Fuck" she says "the F word"
she is very nice...she is not HOT...she looks very simple and wears little to no make-up. one time she was on her laptop and i was staring at her screen and I said "are you writing about me?" she said "no! stop being creeeepy!"and punched me in the arm...i really liked this reaction. she is so cute, she really gets my sense of humor.
if you have interacted with a lot of girls, you probably know what kind of girl i am talking about.