Quote:
...how do you know when both parties are ready to peel away layers of their onion, and be invovled with eachothers lives even more? And then from there..... how do you care, but not care too much?
<del>Zip's</del>
Locke's Perspective:
I'll start with the results:
If you peel too many layers too quickly, you could come off as needy, frameless, or chasey. You may even be putting undesired pressure on her - she could possibly just be looking to "fool around" or only "date."
On the other end of that spectrum, if you don't peel layers, you could come off as selfish, careless, someone who is just using him/her, shallow, or not a good pair bond (if that is what she is looking for).
To answer it in the most effective way possible I will break it down into two parts (as it is already broken down).
a.) how do you know when both parties are ready to "peel away layers of their onion, and be involved with eachothers lives even more?"
Although neither parts of this question are easy - this is the simple part (for me at least). It is all about observation. They
will give signs - once you detect them, you interpret them and decide what to do.
Either you or her can initiate the "peeling," but I would recommend since you are not sure where she stands, that you allow her to go first. This will give you the chance to calibrate and try to push your feelings to where they need to be. Lets assume for this scenario that she does want to grow into something, and you do like her - since there would be completely different steps taken if this weren't the case.
Alright, so how to tell? Well....She will open verbally and physically.
Conversation will be more open. New discussions will be added, more thoughts and feelings will be tossed into the mix. There might even be more depth and importance to each interaction.
Physical body language will be more relaxed and easy going. Sexual interactions will still be hot and heavy but they will also have more comfort to them than lust.
The good rapport will turn to great rapport as you two layer more and more. After she opens a little, you open a little. After you open a little, she will open more. So on and so on. Stop when she stops. If she doesn't, then you stop opening when you think you have gone down enough to satisfy your emotional ideas and needs as well as hers. BE CAREFUL. - understand how many layers you have, and how deep you want to go. Remember, the deeper you go, the more vulnerable you are.
b.) how do you care, but not get carried away and care too much?
this is a tricky thing...and the part I stuggled with. After you both have peeled layers back, depending on how deep you got, you are now exposed. You are vulnerable to the actions of the other person. So here is the truth as I see it:
you can not control who you care about, what you care about, and how much you care. it is an emotion and humans are at the mercy of their emotions. We can not control them - no matter how hard we try. BUT!!! we can control how we interperet them, accept them, react to them, and express them.
Someone ran over your cat (grrr, only because it is your thread); you are sad. You can't stop being sad....but you can use that sadness; realize you are sad, accept that you are sad, then do something with the sadness. or do nothing - thats the great thing about it!
So you care about someone or something. Realize these emotions. Know your exact feelings but CONTROL what you do with them and how you express them. Figure out where her emotional placement of you is, and calibrate you to be there too. If you really like her, but she put you under the third (of ten) layers...then keep her at the third layer. This way you are protected. You won't care or like her any less, but your actions and reactions will also be calibrated to the appropriate level!
Now in regards to the real question poster, Roads:
So you are caring, but you are tired of caring about everything? Won't happen. If you are a caring person, then that is what you are going to do....you will care. But as i've said like twenty times already, control that caring. Don't let it down so deep to the point of it affecting your inner core. When they say "give a shit, but don't give a fuck" thats what that means. Even if you let them all the way down to the core, dont let them IN the core. At least thats how I see it. A PUA doesn't get rid of emotions. He can't love positive and discard negative. He takes both. But he takes them, and then knows what to do with them.
As Chief stated in regards to your positive/negative entries. There will always be negative feelings, but they will be even more negative if you focus on them. Focus on the positive, and just know the negative are there.
to sum it up. common sense and good observational skills will allow you to figure out where you and another person stand. if all else fails, communicate. TALK about it. Find out where she stands. But damnit, make SURE that your actions are not out of sync with her placement of you. Figure out where you are placing eachother before doing anything that will direct the course of the relationship. (i.e. trying to hold hands with a girl in public when you two are just FB's....you will for sure come off as clingy and most likely lose the FB).
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okay, so I tried. damn is it hard to explain some things. did I even make sense? lol....please tell me I answered the question.
CHAT
