So I have been doing some reading about how to have successful relationships. I've read Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and also the way of the superior man. I find both books insightful but in some ways contradictory. So I wanted to get some opinions from here.

Now I know shit tests are tests designed to test your strength since women want a strong man. From what I can gather it includes things likes her demanding things from you, criticizing you, trying to make you jealous, acting like a brat etc. My question is, in a LTR, how do we know if it's a shit test or if it's a legitimate grievance that needs to be addressed in the case she criticizes or complains about you, or a need for reassurance of your love when she tries to make you jealous, or a feeling of not being supported when she makes demands?

From the men are from Mars women are from Venus book I gathered that women communicate differently from men and that she can be demanding when she feels unsupported or criticise or complain because she wants to improve you since helping people she loves shows caring on Venus (or maybe she genuinely doesn't like these characteristics? ) . So this book seems to be advocating that you understand her behaviour from this angle and try and address these root causes i.e. Help/support her more and acknowledge her signs of affection when she tries to improve you (take into account her views but finally decide on your own). We make her feel better by showing her that we understand her emotions and by validating them.

What I got from the way of the superior man is that we should not try to analyze her but rather try to change her emotions by showing her your love i.e. When she is moody or complains you keep your happy state and do something to change her mood (he suggests many things you could do like licking her face, holding her, shouting loudly then kissing her etc. ).

So in a LTR 1) how do we know if we're facing a shit test or something that is truly bothering her that needs to be addressed? 2) should we ever try to change her mood by showing her our love as suggested in the way of the superior man or talk about her feelings and show her that we understand and care as suggested in men are from Mars and women are from Venus (or maybe do both) ?

Thank you for reading my post.

There's no such thing as shit tests. Read the thread linked in my signature if you want more on that.
Now acting like a brat and/or trying to make you jealous have no excuse. That's a clear sign of emotional immaturity, and a testament to the fact that the girl in question doesn't have the necessary aptitudes for a healthy, successful relationship.
I'll address demands and criticism below. Yes, a woman can be demanding if she feels unsupported. Maybe she wants to take dance classes like her bff. And her bff goes dancing with her boyfriend who too shares that passion. So now your girl wants you to do the same. Except you don't like dancing. And now she's throwing a fit trying to force you into do something you have no interest in doing.

Or, she can systematically be the one cleaning the house while you don't even take out the trash bags. So she demands your support in sharing some of the maintenance duties.

The first example is immature and controlling behavior. If she's prone to that kind of shit, you don't want to be giving her the girlfriend title. She can take dance classes on her own just like you probably have hobbies she doesn't particularly take interest in. Always have a life outside the relationship.
The second example is a legitimate demand. She's your girlfriend, not your maid.

Criticism works similarly. If she's telling you to drop the hoodie before a night out, drop the hoodie. You're a grown ass man, stop dressing like a child.
If however she's attacking you, trying to put you down, disrespecting you or in other ways being destructive as opposed to constructive, again she's ill-equipped for a good relationship and should not be your girlfriend.

No, you should analyze her. And more importantly, you should also analyze yourself. Self-awareness will get you a long way.
Yes, improve her mood if she's getting upset over something silly. She probably just wants some attention.
But if she systematically makes a big deal out of every insignificant divergence, and keeps reminding you what you did 3 months, 1 day, 5 hours and 67 seconds ago, you should not be in a relationship with her.

I hope by now you understand you're asking the wrong questions. Don't take from your girlfriend the kind of shit you wouldn't take from your best friend. Have standards and hold her to them, but at the same time be aware of your own flaws and be driven to improve.
Distinguish between toxic and legitimate, and if it's the first always be willing to walk away.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Thank you for the reply R.C. I read your post on shit tests. Very interesting. So are you of the opinion that women don't test a man to gauge his strength? Because fundamentally isn't that what so called shit tests refer to? If women do test men like this how do we know if she's testing us?

Also regarding toxic criticism and demanding behaviour being a sign of disrespect and immaturity. What would be a good way of making my boundaries clear? Would something like this work "I'm sorry you're upset but I don't like it when you shout at me/put me down/complain about unimportant things. It makes me feel like you don't respect me/ think I'm worthless etc..."

A guy posted a few days ago his girl shit-testing him. They were at the stoplight. It turned green, she said "Go". He didn't like her "demanding" tone. Nevermind the fact that he was halting traffic.

Anyway, no, women don't test a man's strength. Especially not your girlfriend. For the simple reason that they don't have to. They're far more perceptive than us to begin with, and even we can tell how much of a pushover someone is fairly soon after meeting them.

So if you're getting snide remarks it's not to test your strength, it's because she already assessed you lack it.
The best cure for any disease is prevention. Don't date immature girls. It's obvious, right? Don't build a house on unstable ground.
As far as boundaries go, you don't impose them on other people, you impose them on yourself. If they act in an unappealing way, make it known to them, but give them the benefit of the doubt. Be firm and non-apologetic about it, yet don't accuse.

If they do it again, walk away.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

You need to get a girl on the side and/or start hitting on and flirting with other girls to demonstrate your own value. This will keep her in check so she'll know she is replaceable and she will think twice when bitching about minor things. If she makes it worse because of that, withdraw from her and use dread game. Make your time and attention something she has to earn. Assuming she needs your committment than you need hers, she shouldn't be making demands. A lot of testing and nagging will be muted when she knows there are other girls in your lineup.

You should ALWAYS game/cheat in relationships when you have the chance. That is the only way to show your girl that you don't need her and if she wants to stick around it is on your terms.

For real?

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Do not make external things like girls define your happiness or you will live a harsh life. Keep doing what you love and keep improving as a man.

It's the ONLY way to show your girl. Lol. The ONLY way.

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

Damn right son

I get what you are saying and can see how this could work well in the short term. But don't you think that using negative emotions like fear as the glue that keeps things together in a relationship is just going to make her unhappy in the long run and make the relationship toxic?

Don't listen to that guy, he's an idiot and probably a sociopath.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Yeah, listen to RC.

Shit test just excuses a girl's behavior and makes you ignore red flags.
Your question shows the problem. You're focused on HER. HER actions, make you feel some kinda way. It matters to you whether she thinks you're worthless. For eg, if a girl talks to me disrespectfully, its not attractive TO ME. I dont get turned on by disrespectful or criticizing chicks. I dont need to tell a chick that, because if she does something like that, I WILL react. I'll get turned off. If you really have standards, and boundaries that if crossed you'll walk away to the next chick for, you won't get chicks disrespecting you. If you're chick is acting rude to you and you're still rushing to spend time with her, you dont have standards. As RC said you need to be self aware. If you're chick is upset, be a good bf, but its not an excuse for her to disrespect you. Same way if I have a bad day I may be in a bad mood, but I shouldnt start disrespecting my gf over it.

1) as someone above said, "shit tests" don't exist
2) No. You can't ever CHANGE someone else's mood, though you can influence it. Empathy is a start to meeting needs. It can allow a person to connect to what's alive in them and identify the unmet need. Transparency is vital to having any healthy relationship.