What do you mean? Trust and security are the lifeblood but making future plans aren't?

Well to be honest after reading this I have started feeling myself feeling a little resentful. Her attitude has improved and she is more affectionate and happy but now my mood is being affected by the possibility of just being strung a long for another two months before she calls it quits. Any advice on how to improve my attitude and make the most of my time if this is all I have?

Thanks!

Yeah these are all good points. I won't be cancelling the Thailand trip even if she is just biding her time. Neo has it right that she does feel very much like now there is pressure to make it work. She explained that originally she wanted me to move there but since I was against it then she expected me to not move there when she left. Now that I have decided I am, she isn't as sure that's what she wants anymore. All of her arguments are relatively weak and I understand some of them to a degree but some of the arguments wouldn't be an issue from a truly committed relationship. I certainly don't feel "secure" right now and so I too am planning for both options. She's being more affectionate today and happy. I think the talk did in fact dislodge some emotions she's been holding in. I didn't force her to talk per say, she came out with all of this on her own. I just asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and she continued to ramble on how she felt. From my end it all adds up but I do feel that a lot of these things are petty. Neo has the closest assessment of what her personality is like and what she seems to need right now. What she needs right now is space and to figure out what she wants and not feel binded by plans. As much as that sucks because I think making future plans equates to the lifeblood of a long term relationship, there isn't anything I can do constructively to change that.

She's being more affectionate today and happy.

I've listened to about an hour of the non-violent workshop. It's been enlightening. I've realized how much crap I bring with me constantly thinking about this situation. I have tons of judgments and evaluations, and making things worse than they are! When I look at just her actions she really hasn't been as bad as I've made her feel to me. However, a very important topic of needs was mentioned and it allowed me to realize that I had been interpreting a lot of her behavior as not giving me my needs when really I don't think it was warranted. I don't even feel the need for those needs anymore! I do need to figure out what I want as well but I know one thing is to just rid myself of all this extra mental baggage. Further, she has been telling me what she NEEDS and I've been taking it as not giving my my needs. She says she need space because she is overwhelmed by school and work and so on...and I have been feeling like that means she is pushing me away and my need for security made me more needy. Now I realize if I give her space and her needs then maybe she will get her things done, appreciate me more in the moment rather than being preoccupied, and so on. That's just a speculation but space is important and it also wasn't the "bad" thing I was interpreting since I read on here space is usually a bad word. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way I have cleaned some of my own closet. However, I think she could benefit from this workshop too. How and would you bring it up in my situation?

I've listened to about an hour of the non-violent workshop. It's been enlightening. I've realized how much crap I bring with me constantly thinking about this situation. I have tons of judgments and evaluations, and making things worse than they are! When I look at just her actions she really hasn't been as bad as I've made her feel to me. However, a very important topic of needs was mentioned and it allowed me to realize that I had been interpreting a lot of her behavior as not giving me my needs when really I don't think it was warranted. I don't even feel the need for those needs anymore! I do need to figure out what I want as well but I know one thing is to just rid myself of all this extra mental baggage. Further, she has been telling me what she NEEDS and I've been taking it as not giving my my needs. She says she need space because she is overwhelmed by school and work and so on...and I have been feeling like that means she is pushing me away and my need for security made me more needy.

Ok so you see here you evaluated her behavior as pushing you away. Instead what's the observation? Does she text less frequently? There has to be a specific observation(s). Next you can focus on her need, in this case she's made it easy, it's "autonomy" or "space", so it may look something like the following:

Are you anxious because you're really wanting your space? (you want to keep empathizing further before getting to the problem solving, aka needs request. Problem is most us guys suffer from Maleinittis - that is to fix things first - so you'll have to exercise patience with this one and hold off for at least a few hours before problem solving).

The problem solving part, or Needs Request has to be SPECIFIC and actionable. So if she tells you "I just need my space, ok!" Nobody can do that, because its too vague. So "space" may, for example look like contacting her every other day instead of daily, for example. This part you can do together. Again it has to be specific and concrete so you can take the appropriate action.


Funny thing with needs requests. YOu never really know if they worked until later.


Now I realize if I give her space and her needs then maybe she will get her things done, appreciate me more in the moment rather than being preoccupied, and so on. That's just a speculation but space is important and it also wasn't the "bad" thing I was interpreting since I read on here space is usually a bad word. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way I have cleaned some of my own closet. However, I think she could benefit from this workshop too. How and would you bring it up in my situation?

Well I have changed the way I see things considerably. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of my needs aren't nearly as important to me as I thought. When I have recognized them then they fall away because I realize what has caused me pain isn't even something I want or would rather have over a relationship. Sometimes they are just silly. She started giving me a demand of me not returning to a sport I wanted and at first I felt aggravated but decided to hear her need and she explained that when I did that sport I was very critical of myself and that I wasn't happy. This need came from a need of hers to see me happy and for me to be pleasant around and I understood that much more than if it was just she didn't want me to because of selfishness. I really took a different viewpoint and we even had sex. She explained that she wants to have sex all the time but because she is busy and often exhausted that she feels the need to rest and relax rather than have sex. However I gave her her space today and cooked for her so she could get things done and then when she was done she wanted to have sex! It's really powerful stuff! I feel like it's the first time we really talked and connected in a long time! You've opened my eyes to a new World!

Yeah I definitely think "observing" her behavior is making a huge difference rather than interpreting it because when I was interpreting it I was seeing a lot of things I think that weren't there and my very original posts were about this topic and that I felt I had read enough pickup that I was projecting the intentions and signs of someone that wanted out of the relationship onto her rather than not assuming and then combining it with hearing her needs and looking at my own helped even further. First I had to stop seeing her as a "bad mental image" which I think I picked up from reading too much pick up and thinking things like space inherently means cheating but really she actually needed space to do her homework and then I got my needs met.