(If you don't want the whole story just skip to the TLDR;)
So here it goes...

I (20 yrs old) meet this girl (23 yrs old) while she's on vacation for a month and there's lots of physical chemistry/attraction. After the month is up we decide to become official and have a temporary LDR since she's coincidentally planning on moving to an apartment 2 hours away from me when her lease is up in a few months. She jumps on a plane to come visit me a couple times even though she doesn't make much and I fly out to her once as well. She's pretty much obsessed with me and is the ideal the girlfriend.

Then she moves 2 hours away from me where she has quite a few old friends and things start to go downhill...It wasn't so bad at first as she introduces me to her friends and still makes time to hang out one on one even when her friends invite her out. But eventually it gets to the point where I spend $30 to take the train to visit her and she decides to ditch me to go out to the bar with her friends (I'm only 20). Or wants us to both hang out with her roommates rather than doing something one-on-one. We'd still have sex sometimes but it was less frequent/wasn't as good.

As a result I became needy/jealous/AFC since I wanted the amazing girl I first started dating back. I wanted to spend more time with her, not her friends. Her never making time for me and me being an AFC made the relationship stressful and she broke up with me over the phone. She just wanted to be friends, said we weren't at the same point in our lives, not ready for a relationship right now, etc.

She gets a boyfriend the next day and I've been NC for a week (no communication since the breakup). I realize I should have focused on being more attractive rather than asking her to spend more time with me, I basically stopped gaming her so she slowly lost interest and started to blow me off. I've been hanging out with friends more, went on a date yesterday, trying to work on my inner game/confidence for me.

She is friends with a good number of her EXs and never was the one to re-initiate contact with them (even after 2+years). After working on myself for another month or so, I'd like to try and get her to see the more attractive version of me. I believe the relationship went downhill because I acted AFC and let her walk all over me.

TLDR;
Had an amazing relationship for a while, started acting AFC which pushed her away more, we broke up (she just wants to be friends). She is dating a rebound the next day, I've been working on myself during NC for about a week. She never initiates contact with any of her EXs (even after 2+ years) so that they can move on so I have to initiate if I want her back.

I'm going to continue NC for at least a month and work on myself, go on dates, etc. So question is, if I still want her back then, how to I go about re-initiating contact? Should I wait until she breaks up with her rebound or just pretend he doesn't exist? If we do meet up should I hold hands, try to kiss her so that I don't get friend-zoned? Does it matter that we're at different points in our lives (I'm a student for one more year while she lives on her own)? I believe the relationship ended mostly because I was an AFC, so I want to make her fall for me again and only start a relationship on my terms.

I appreciate any advice and opinions!

You absolutely have to wait.

Make sure when you're dating you make it known without being pushy. Not in a "ha! Look at this hotty! So much better than you!" It has to be more along the lines of " She means so much i have to been active in doing all the little things right"

If she's truly in a rebound, the tiny little things and tiny amounts of effort won't be present or no where near enough.

She didn't start dating the rebound the next day, she started dating him while you guys were together, but finally got up enough courage to leave you. And you still want her..Which is exactly the reason she left you.

How much contact did you have with her after the break up? Have you not contacted her once since it was over...?

I wrote an article on Wayoftheplayer called "Going through a break up? Read this now" - Go give it a look.

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Well first I read your article over a few times and was shocked at how much I could relate. I guess it shows that my situation is not really that unique. Basically I was the guy who cared about her more than I cared about myself and became a burden. Ever since the phone call where she broke up with me I haven't even sent her a text because I know it never works, so at least I did something right haha

I realize that in my current mental state even if I did get back with her the relationship would fall apart for the same reasons. I basically want to get to the point where I've improved my life and don't care if I get her back or not before ever speaking with her again.

I've dated someone more attractive in the past, so I don't want to get back with her because I believe she's the hottest girl I'll ever get or something. We had similar interests, physical chemistry, she pushed me to succeed in college/try new things, flew across the country with all the extra money she had, etc. Then I screwed it up by being needy and caring too much.

So while I could go on a bunch of tinder dates or college parties and eventually find somebody as good/better, what's wrong with making my ex fall in love with me again once I improve myself, stop being needy, and not lose sight of my own happiness? I understand the grass-is-always-greener mindset where there's always a better/more attractive girl out there and believe that's true with all the women out there. But it seems like if a person just followed that mindset forever they would never want to get into a relationship. There would always be a more attractive girl somewhere out there and they would just be picking up girls forever.

After reading your blog though I also have another question about relationships in general...You reminded me that I'm supposed to care about a girlfriend without valuing her happiness above my own, which seems obvious but is something I lost sight of. But then what do I do when a girlfriend does something disrespectful towards me (like flaking or ditching me)? Calling her out seems needy, breaking up seems extreme if it's not a pattern, and doing nothing is shitty for my own happiness.

Right now I'm trying to move on and part of that for me is trying to understand this stuff so that I don't fall into the same patterns and live a Groundhog Day-esque life. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction with your blog so far!

Not only did you find out how much you could relate to all the stories of the others guys, but you also responded to the article in the exact same way, posing damn near the same questions with the exception of you last one. I guess thats human nature for you. And emotional instincts that we have to learn to put to the side at time for our own benefits.

I personally don't believe the things that I speak of and the ways in which we have to handle to relationships now applied to men 200 -300 years ago. But it is not during this instant information age in which we have access to everything we want at the click of a button that man has forgot some of the most simple things. Things like emotional control. So having to let go, is something that us new age men(the majority of whom lack emotional control and the wisdom of how to manage their half of the relationship) must train themselves to do to be able to handle the women that come into our lives in the future.

Part of you is still responding to the emotions of your relationship and not the reality of the relationship. The reality is something you're going to realize after a little bit of "me" time. When you're going to be made fully aware of just how flawed this girl you were dealing with actually is. She too is a product of this "age" but as a woman her reaction to it is a bit different than ours.

And to answer: "But then what do I do when a girlfriend does something disrespectful towards me (like flaking or ditching me)? " - This may seem a bit out of reach for you to completely take in a the moment considering your state, but a woman you're with only begins to ditch you and flake on you when you have put her happiness before your own. Its almost an attempt to leave you alone so you can find yourself again. The respect is gone, and she would much rather do whatever she flaked on you to do, than hang out with you. You're not longer the "amazing" guy that she can't wait to see, that she was flaking on her friends to see in the past. You've been a new guy, you've become emotional dependent on her, you've become a burden. To answer your question simply; you just keep from her from getting to a place in which she even wants to flake on you. And if she does, you'll be too busy doing what MAKES YOU HAPPY despite what she says or does to even pay too much mind to it. A woman wants to be around the guy who is happy on his own. She wants to share in that happiness.. She doesn't necessarily want to be with the guy who will be unhappy if she isn't there because she flakes. She wants to know that whether she flakes or not, you'll be too busy being happiness to even feel negative way about her flake. When you're in that state... she never flakes, because it wouldn't affect you whether she did or not. No one picks on the guy that isn't afraid to fight back. Being only continue to act on the things that they know get under our skin. As a man in a relationship, you want to be as unshakeable as possible. And that should be more important to you than a relationship. Your happiness is dependent upon it. And in order to have a relationship you're happiness must be more important to you than hers.

So in the mean time, I believe you should continue tackling the things that are going to make you happy; and considering your state, she is not one of them. So.. leave her be for now and work on you.

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Thanks man, this is something I probably realized deep down but just really needed to hear it from someone else. I just took the weekend to spend time with friends/things I enjoy and now I'm just really pissed at her since I'm starting to realize how disrespectful she really was to me. As well as embarrassed for how much I still wanted her through all of it. I really just want to get to the point of not giving a fuck at all though. I've found it's much easier to not think about her when I'm with friends/a girl/doing something I enjoy, rather than sitting in my apartment.

I always have things going on during the weekend, so I've been trying to join a couple new clubs at college/meet girls during the week. I saw on another thread you suggested talking to 5 new girls a day. The problem is I don't want to be "that guy" on campus that always hits up random girls on the bus or sits down next to somebody for lunch in the student center. If I talk to random people at the mall I feel like I'd never have to see them again, whereas that's not the same on a college campus. I've also found I have a ton of confidence approaching people if my friends are nearby/I'm in a familiar environment, but it's much harder when I'm all by myself so maybe it's just something I need to work on. My classes don't have a lot of girls either being an engineering major. Is it okay to just approach random girls on a college campus without getting a bad reputation? And if I just join a club mid-year where I don't know anybody, do I just go up and say hi to everyone/ask how they know each other?

Also, my ex and I pre-ordered something together (to save on shipping) so I have $150 worth of stuff that's going to be arriving at her house mid-May. I was just going to treat it like a business transaction (like interacting with a random Amazon seller) in 1.5 months so I can get my stuff and just be done with her for now. Is that the best way to handle it? What do I do if she asks me out for coffee/lunch to catch up when I pick it up/she drops it off?

After reading your blog, I realize that my situation probably isn't unique and that this is just human nature, but I really appreciate you helping me get my life back together.

I think Eddie said this...her bf isnt a rebound. He's the guy she was fucking while with you. Rebound is when you get dumped. She dumped you for him. Not.A.Rebound. Smentics aside, you want a chick who cheated on you. From what you wrote, she didnt dump you for being needy dude, she was already choosing her friends over you which made you needy. You're looking for rationalizations for her behavior, like you did something wrong. Most likely you didnt. She liked you, fucked around, pulled away, you got needy, she dumped you and went for a guy she was messing with. Bad chick. Forget her and move on. She sounds far from a princess and that's only in your head, not due to her own actions.

You're going to see-saw between, " She was a total bitch " and " well everyone has flaws and maybe there was something I could've done to make things better." for a month or so as it takes sometime for your emotions to settle. Neither of those perspectives are right; they're just emotional reactions as you're drying up the leftover heartbreak. You'll know exactly who she is and what she was once you've moved on and completely let go of the possibility of ever seeing her again. Thats when you'll truly be able to be objective. The seesaw will come UP and then come DOWN, until you learn to get off it so it can balance itself out.

As far as the $150 purchase.. I need to know more. You said you guys ordered it together? What is it? And if it was ordered together how much did you pay - she pay etc.

My gut advice is to just let her keep it and move on..Whatever it is.. Unless its something for a sick relative or something. She'll contact you about it, and then you just ignore her. It'll drive her crazy. Guilt usually does poke its head in the lives of women who behave in the manner she did; she'll need you to help her rid herself of it. But I would strongly and strictly advise you to ignore and more forward. Even if she shows up at your home.. Once again.. human nature.. I've seen it and experienced it time and time again.

And last but not least, theres no need to be upset with her. You have to accept that this is all your fault. Accept responsibility. You choose to be in this situation. You should of screened better. Or paid attention to the red flags women like this give off in the early stages that we so desperately want to look beyond. Be mad at you and grow from it. Leave her be.

This happens to the best of it. I've had a similar situation happen to be at some of the most player moments of my life. You get careless, and start to feel like you met someone "different". Everyones different, every chicks special. We can't get wrapped up in that.

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You're going to see-saw between, " She was a total bitch " and " well everyone has flaws and maybe there was something I could've done to make things better." for a month or so as it takes sometime for your emotions to settle. Neither of those perspectives are right; they're just emotional reactions as you're drying up the leftover heartbreak. You'll know exactly who she is and what she was once you've moved on and completely let go of the possibility of ever seeing her again. Thats when you'll truly be able to be objective. The seesaw will come UP and then come DOWN, until you learn to get off it so it can balance itself out.

As far as the $150 purchase.. I need to know more. You said you guys ordered it together? What is it? And if it was ordered together how much did you pay - she pay etc.

My gut advice is to just let her keep it and move on..Whatever it is.. Unless its something for a sick relative or something. She'll contact you about it, and then you just ignore her. It'll drive her crazy. Guilt usually does poke its head in the lives of women who behave in the manner she did; she'll need you to help her rid herself of it. But I would strongly and strictly advise you to ignore and more forward. Even if she shows up at your home.. Once again.. human nature.. I've seen it and experienced it time and time again.

And last but not least, theres no need to be upset with her. You have to accept that this is all your fault. Accept responsibility. You choose to be in this situation. You should of screened better. Or paid attention to the red flags women like this give off in the early stages that we so desperately want to look beyond. Be mad at you and grow from it. Leave her be.

This happens to the best of it. I've had a similar situation happen to be at some of the most player moments of my life. You get careless, and start to feel like you met someone "different". Everyones different, every chicks special. We can't get wrapped up in that.[/quote]

I pretty much dismissed all the red flags because I thought she was special, it would be worth it in the end, etc. My mindset was that I didn't want to lose all the investment I had put into the relationship, so I tried to work past/look past everything which is pretty self-destructive in hindsight. Lesson learned for next time, it's much better to stand up for myself in a relationship then to get careless and watch the relationship slowly spiral downwards.

We both play the same trading card game competitively (which is how we met, at a party after the world championships over the summer) and pre-ordered cards from the new set together. $150ish was mine and $100ish was hers (so $250ish total for the order). I don't really need them until the beginning of July, they were just cheaper than usual, so I guess I could just ignore her until mid-late June to drive her crazy at the very least. She's definitely the type to feel guilty about these sorts of things. We were also planning on going to nationals together this July since I won a free hotel so I'm waiting for her to essentially try and bum a room off of me because we're "friends".

Will approaching more girls during the week help me get over her faster? Can I just approach 5 girls a day on a college campus (on the bus, in the student center during lunch, etc.) or will that give me a bad reputation in college? I meet way more guys than girls through my social circles/classes because the girl:guy ratio in engineering is pretty terrible haha

Walk away man. Keep your dignity or whats left of it. Shes probably getting gang banged as we speak. You're just feeding her ego and she doesn't sound like much of a cool person..My advice would be to never try to contact her again.