| Im here because I am tired of being ashamed of wanting to get Affection, touch and as I read somewhere around here VIBE from women. This is my story.
I was just a regular kid a couple of years ago. Sure, I grew up a screw up. One of my parents commited suicide at a early age, and as me, living in a quite large family it were to affect many years to come in my life. I got locked in to small boxes at times by my family where I would completely panic. I would get pushed up, roughly, against walls to be told what a complete sack of shit I was. We had not a single diner at the dining table that was not focused on nourishing a negative state of being that might as well could have been the Devil himself sitting next to us. That would actually have been nicer since I would at least would have felt F.E.A.R and not total indifference. Ive had lots of dreams that are still persistent in my life. I am glad that I some year ago found out about something called -Self Development- which re-ignited my belief in that I actually CAN achieve whatever I want. Before that, it was not failure that drained my life of experience. It was me myself that Gave up because Me my self considered myself useless. Sure, sometimes, I would get ideas and go at them, anything else would be un-natural. But as soon as any doubt arised, I would give up and forget about it. Secluding myself into that box again. (which was not cartong, it was an air-sealed box with a lock on it and I am lucky that my family didn't forget about me, because the air would have ran out.
But anyways, enough of that. When I reached 16 I lost my virginity (im 19 now) and after that I have been sleeping around. My friends used to ask me How I did it, and at the time, I did not know. I guess, maybe I was lucky, or maybe women saw how vulnerable I was and maybe they used me in some way I dont know. But I got up to sleeping with around 20 of them when I met a really good looking one that I wanted to stay with. I started to "need" her, worship her, and out of a FREUD'ian perspective, maybe I was in some way just afraid of being locked in to a box again. Maybe I was afraid that if I "lost her" whatever that meant, my life would be useless. you know how it goes. I was the Jealous-guy. And it was not a little, no. I would do a lot of Detective work so to speak, and boy did she cheat. After 6 months of dating, Im not sure of how many she slept with. But I am positive that she did. Slept with them, mailed with them, hung out with them. At one time she came home to me and it was the first thing she said. "I just came here from **** and we made out" (or whatever she said). But that doesnt matter at this point.
I did something a couple of months later that would change my life forever. Before you give up on me, you should know that at last, I have taken the first step to attend therapy for not only this thing, but a lot of other stuff that my family-issues and just, proper -me not enjoying life a bit- hopefully will turn around. What I did was that I hit her. And basically everyone knows about it. And im not sure if that is the only reason, but I havent, since we broke up, had any meaningful exchange with a women since. They have been objects to me, I call them, hopefully, I manage to manipulate them in to coming home to me, and then I abandon them. And sure, maybe a virgin would trade his life with me. But what it isnt, is emotional. There is no VIBE in my life concerning relationships. And I have figured out that I am ashamed about it. I dont feel as if I deserve what it is that I want. I feel useless when I am with women. When I am with guys (friends) I feel Narcisisstic and I feel as if I am constantly juggeling between being their enemy, friend, businessassociate, and whatever. In the end, I end up where I live, lonely. I rarely eat and I am as said, having major issues with my family. My mom and I are OK, but everyone else, it is complete total catastrophy. I can't go out of my room because I dont want to see my sister have a nervous breakdown, which happenes at least one time a week.
So, I dont know If I am regular. Why I said that is that I have realized that everyone is in the "struggle". There needs to be a negative side for it to exist a positive side. And my life constantly, even though how hard I try, tips over to the negative side and I end up feeling depressed, lonely, miserable, and even sometimes psychotic and sometimes all out -insane-.
I am here because I am hoping that it will help me unlock some hidden place within me that can bring joyful years ahead. Joyful and most of all, emotional and meaningful relationships that Persist where neither me or the other abandones one another. And most of all, I hope that I'll in some way learn to cope and live and be Proud of what I have been through and done in this life. I seem to most of the time supress that believing that ignoring my own past will make it go away. But it never does, it always comes back to me and I have no idea how to cope with it. I want to Be important in my own life. I want to be stabilized because I feel so indescribable out of control.
I havent felt much attraction to this PUA thing so far. I have a really hard time understanding what it is actually about. The only thing that gets me interested is that the guys doing it seems to be living meaningful lives. It is not only the women around them, it is what they are radiating. They seem to be OK with them selves, who they are, where they came from and where they are going. Me, myself, even though Ive had my somewhat sexual history with women. I have no idea, at all. I make up goals that I really do want to achieve but sooner or later my past comes back to me and doesn't necesarilly destroys the dream (Since my discovery of Self Development I havent given up on my dreams even once). But it eats away all the time that I could be spending on fulfillling my goals and dreams. I end up in my bathtub just constantly -thinking- about stuff, and it always has to do with my past or how my past is going to screw up my future.
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CHAT
