Hello guys,

I've met a wonderful lady online about 2 months ago. We started to talk to each other more and more openly, or to be correct, she was the one to start talking about her life and sharing her experiences with me; acting very trusting to me.

Things went on like that, and we started to date online. Most of them were fantastic and both really enjoyed them.

We stayed up some nights together and chatted to each other. Sent each other pictures of ourselves.

Later on, something very incredible started to happend; we logged in the same time, wrote to each other at the same time, thought about each other while feeling that the other one is thinking back.

At first, I wasn't very serious about her, since she would normally not be my type... but I am discovering that she actually is more of my type than I think. She might not be hot looking, but she is not ugly.

We both discussed our feelings to each other, that none of us knew what it could mean, but that we want to find out.

Okay, so I am going to write a bit about her before I go on with the things I wonder about:


She has a difficult past, been abused and hit by her boyfriends. Been forced to sex when relatively young, about 15-16.
She has been bullied a lot when she studied at school.
She was so depressed a period, that she went on and had sex with quite a lot of people, about 20.
She could be very sick, the doctors do not know yet. It should not be lethal though hopefully.
She is in her mid 20's and has almost no friends.



So the deal is: I have been giving her a lot of things, let's just say that she have had some major disagreements with some of my friends and I have been talking to both parts for a long time now and sorting their disagreements out. At first she was very careful in how she approached me with that, and saying it's hard for her to talk like that because she likes me. But after a while it became more and more of their disagreements and I started to get frustrated, and a bit sad over it. Because the problem with being the middle man in that manner is that both parties dont wanna talk with each other and sometimes u take both frustrations from them when you're trying to help them out.

She later tells me that it's her "self-defense-mechanism", that pushes away since she is afraid of new relationships and wants to know more and so on.
I can understand that, but does that justify her literally annoying and complaining behavior?

She has some issues apparently, which I do consider when thinking about her. But sometimes she was pushing the limits with me it feels.


I feel that she is a very very special lady for me, I feel that she could be my soul mate to be honest. I feel that she is so nice inside and sweet.

She has been more flirty before I could maybe say.


Something special to consider: she calls us friends, and so do I. BUT, we both agree that we could potentially become more. I have heard Sooo much on the Internet about the 'friend-zone' and it's freaky. But with her I feel that I HAVE to go through the 'friend'zone', to potentially become her partner. Do you know the feeling guys, please?

She is also quite intelligent, but dosent have a lot of confidence. She regrets her sexual activities very much, being with over 20 guys.


I can possible imagine us being together, and I can probably accept that she has been with many guys since she regrets is so much. But one thing Im not sure if I can accept is her 'complaining' behavior sometimes. Is that what all dates do?

I mean we date, despite being friends as we call each other. It dosent feel like we're friends directly, it feels we're more.


She has said that she does appreciate everything good that I do for her, but sometimes her actions speaks otherwise. Sometimes it feels like she just want to find something to pick on, or question, you know? Just for the sake of it, it seems. And that's something I don't really enjoy.

I've talked with her a couple of times about it, and she sounds very sweet and understanding over the phone. But sometimes she can be odd on chats.


I really feel that she has a huge potential guys, but I don't know what to do since I feel that I'm getting emotionally attached to her. I don't know if she feels the same for me, but I think she does but hides it. I feel that deep inside she likes me. It's a caring feeling about her that I have guys. And she cares for me too.


She has been playing a bit 'hard-to-get', maybe because we started to discuss that we could become parters. Maybe because she is afraid of new relationships and takes them with caution which would be understandable. But I dont enjoy her methods of 'pushing-away' to be honest, and I've talked with her about it as well. She seems understanding about it, but at the same time she is a bit confused it seems sometimes.




Okay guys, I really feel that she could be the lady for me. But I havent even met her, can you believe it? She has also said to me that perhaps we will become partners sometime, while we were having a chat on the phone.

What I have in mind is, perhaps I shouldn't be online on SPAM for some days or a week? And perhaps then she has more time to consider her attitude and think about me.


What would you guys suggest? I really don't know if I should just shut the door for the potential, because I know so little if we would be compatible. Or should I forget about my feelings for her for a while? Because I'm a bit frustrated right now, because I dont know what to do. I believe a good idea would be to take a pause from SPAM and come online after a week or so. And to reduce what I feel for her a bit, so it dosen't harm myself but still that I know what I feel?


Thank you all guys for reading and I really want to read your replies!

Hey, man

Sorry, but I'm gonna have to be a little harsh here. You've known a girl - ONLINE ONLY - for 2 months and you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with her? Really? Knowing someone from chatting = barely knowing them at all!

What you REALLY need to be thinking about, in my opinion, are *your* internal issues. You seem to have low self-esteem and little self-respect. Why is that? Do you have so little female attention in your life that you want to commit to a person you barely know? Do you feel that a woman with what sounds like very serious issues is the best you deserve?

It also sounds like you're pretty firmly planted in the Friend Zone. I can't say for sure, but it sounds like you're more of a pillow to cry on than a man in her eyes. That's why she's less flirty; you let her get away with too much for too long and lost your man-card.

You're overanalyzing everything to a huge extent. The reason I'm being so harsh is because I see some of my younger self in you; falling for girls at the drop of a hat, seeing things that aren't there, etc. I honestly think you're making a mistake. Read more about the game and carve out a new life for yourself: one with quality women who love and respect you as a man. It's the least you deserve.

P.S. I have a post on getting out of the Friend Zone on my blog. If that's what you want to try and do, check it out: it just might help.

_________________
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Thanks for the advice George. I can say for sure that I'm overanalyzing. Perhaps I lack some confidence, yes.. I don't go out do bars and clubs because I don't feel that's where I can find my girl.. and for me to have sex with someone I think it has to be something more special than a one-night-stand.

I honestly don't think we're stuck in the friend zone, and we have already talked about dating IRL. I really do believe she is one of the ladies that you have to go through that zone before you can become partners with her.

The only reason right now that I'm being so kind to her is that she is ill, and things havent gone her way in life. But it's hopefully getting better for her. I just don't feel like being straight forward to her, because when I have, she has been very sensitive about it.

And yes, I haven't met her, but it's the special feeling that she could potentially become my partner that keeps me going with her. And the fact that I consider her a nice person most of the time too.

I've read your blog George and I think it's some awesome content there.

Got any more advice based on that extra info guys?

For me to meet her I would want to be more fit than I am, Im not obese, but I want to be more slimmed. I know she said it dosent matter, since she is a tad overweight herself, but I want to make the best first impression so to say.

Me and her talked about telling each other if we decide to have romantic or sexual relationships with other people, and promised to tell each other if so. And I don't believe that we would meet before 2-3 months perhaps.

She is physically ill, of cancer. And I hope that she will be cured. I DONT however judge a person by that, and I do NOT want to judge her by her past which she regrets so much of. But it's really her behavior that leads me to believe that she is somehow trying to "test" me or "provoke" me into acting bad towards her in a way, I dont know if it's true or not though.

And one thing that bothers me a bit with her, is that about 6 months ago she moved to another city, to start something new with a guy. But it did not work out for them. However, they spend a lot of time together and from what she said they are friends. He dosent know that she is dating me either, and she dosent want to let him know about it since he has some things going on and would be sad for it apparently. How would you react to such a situation guys? Please do tell.

I've told her that I don't want to start anything with her before she has finished her business with that guy, since I dont want to be unfair to him. But it seems that she has no intention of telling him about our dates and our "special connection". However, I do truly believe from how she spoke of it that she also feels the connection that we have. But I dont know if I can handle the pressure of thinking "if they are doing something" that I dont know about. She says that he is not her type, but I dont know what to expect of her really. I want to trust her, but I dont know if I can fully.


Okay, in addition to that, I have some practical questions:

How would you tell her that you want to be friends with her in a polite way that wont make her upset? Because I dont want to loose her friendship. I've felt that she needs me, and to a extent do think so now too. I've thought about saying that we should stop the romantic relationship and not promise anything to each other, based on that I dont want to be like that to the other guy. And I could perhaps say that if we're both single one day, then perhaps we could try.

It's easy for me to get emotional with her, in the sense that I want to let her know how I feel. I want to be honest with her, but at the same time I've read quite a lot of Dating Advice, and various techniques. I just dont want to apply them to her, she is not a sex object to me, but a 'girlfriend-material' type of lady. At least I think she has the potential for it. However I dont like the way she's acting, and I REALLY wonder if she IS like that all the time, or just because of her issues. Not sure at all. I KNOW for sure that she is trying to act cold to me sometimes, and she has told me that she does that because she is afraid of getting burned. But I dont agree that you have to act in such a manner to be cold, its not only cold its rude too IMHO. I've told her how I feel about it, but I dont think that she has made any conclusions, in a sense that she has not really changed her behavior. At the start she was REALLY worried about talking to me about those things (when she disagreed with my friends), and how she didn't want it to affect our personal things. But after a while she stopped caring about it and just complain more and more. I have though if I have done something wrong? I have helped her with almost everything and supported her arguing with my friends (she has been right and wrong). I know that it's breaking the PUA rules, but there IS a dilemma. I dont want to hurt her, she has cancer and a difficult past, and she can be VERY sensitive to what you tell her.

Considering that, how would you tell her that you dont want to date her anymore but want to be friends? Do you even want to do that? I dont know guys, please tell your opinions on the manners.

Honesly dude I'm not gonna lie to you. I did not read you post and I'm not going to. It's too long.

What I can tell you is that your worrying to greatly about this. Go with the flow, let time play itself out and do what you want.

Don't ask a Internet full of guys what to do with your life. If you feel like she's the one, you wouldn't need our help because "the one" will accept you for who ever you are.

You had a short term online gf. (I did not read the whole post, just the top part). I had one too. Unless you are physically disabled and bound to your home (even then there are many better options!) you are selling yourself short by sitting on the computer and talking to girls online. I had an online gf too and spent days/months on the forums and in chat, and sometimes even 12 hours a day! You are just putting your life on hold, while you sit online, meanwhile you deteriorate. Sure you learn to write better and it's better than nothing, online communication is still communication. But the feelings and needs you are trying to fulfill - the desire for female company and affection, to be understood by a girl, and sex and friendship and so on - the computer only teases you and does not fulfill these needs. Having an online gf only makes you more needy and unhappy imho. Because once you start going out to coffee shops, concerts, outdoor events and clubs and take dance lessons, once you start dressing up and showering using cologne getting regular hair cuts, etc. (all that stuff you are probably neglecting while you sit online), and once you start learning social skills like to say hi to people and smile and hold a conversation, and get to know the circles around different hobbies in your area like dancing or martial arts or movie meetups or cards or whatever, you will realize there are many women who are single and who if you start talking to them will suggest that they want you to take them dancing or to a movie or to a group that you go to yourself. and thats how you get dates. real life stuff. much better than online. telliing you even if you have cyber sex with a girl (which should be banned because it is not sex), having sex with a girl in your or in her bedroom is much more exciting!

i recommend that you disconnect you home internet, disable and close all your chat and forum accounts and tell your online friends you are getting more involved in real life stuff and that you get in touch with them once a month or so and keep them as long term friends, just dont spend much time on them.

of course if you are happy with the way things are, you can keep chatting online and you can find more online gfs, and some might even take their clothes off and masturbate in front of a webcam for you, but honestly, it gets boring quickly and not worth the time spent in front of the screen. if you happy with the way things are, keep doing what you are doing. but if you are not and i assume you would not be posting here if you were happy with this, i recommend you experiment with trying some new behaviors like dressing up and going to a coffee shop and reading the newspaper there. chances are women will notice you just cuz you are clean and dressed up and you are out of the house!

omg i read more of your post and your replies - you are in deep shit man but you can get out of it if you put in some effort and get the fuck away from the computer screen. forget about this girl. she slept with 20 guys? go sleep with 20 girls and then come back and see if you still wanna chat online with this one.

i recommend doing cbt and positive psychology written exercises and also taking a beginner dance lesson and also going out to different events and to coffee shops alone. dress up. you can read more about it in my blog in the field reports section. if you do stuff i did it will help you because it helped me too. while i dont date yet, my life has really improved. i go out all the time and today i was at a coffee shop and said hi and smiled to a girl sitting near me and she wanted to talk and she said she would love to go dancing hinting i should invite her, i gave her my fb, and while she has not messaged me yet and might never, this is a sign of progress. i waved bye and winked at her on my way out and she smiled and waved back, sign ive learned to flirt better from taking the dancing lessons and social dancing. read intimate connections by dr. david burns. its got all the tips man.

Well, you know why people aren't replying to you? It's because they don't want to say the hard things, which NEED to be said here.

You are delusional.

You are in an "online relationship", I mean what the hell does that even mean?

And the "lovely lady" you are "dating online" tells you about all those issues of hers and you believe that, without having even met her, you close your eyes and nod your head and trust in her blindly.

Bravo. I would even applaud you for that. It's people like you who get conned and their hearts broken and then go cry it out on some anonymous social site full of strangers crying about their own issues.

Grow up.

Meeting and dating women online doesn't mean crap. If it does to you, then God help you.

The fact that you know what your shortcomings are (your weight issues) but still refuse to take significant steps about it and instead of going out would rather sit and type your heart out to her, tells me one thing : You're a coward.

And her saying that she'll be honest about her sexual encounters and her pseudo-boyfriend is all a piece of garbage. Hell, she doesn't even 'know' what disease she has? A disease that could be life threatening? What is all that?

My advice to you is simple : Get out of your house. Go meet some REAL women. And get fit. It will take some time, but atleast you'll be in a better place than this. I guarantee you that.

Good luck.

_________________
" You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one. "

I tried to be nice, but don gave it to you straight.

Fuck what I said... Read his again and again.

I just honestly hope that you actually listen to us, because most guys come on here asking for someone to confirm the decision they've already chose in their heads.

And I hope you don't have the mindstate of " they don't know her, she's special and i know it. I know the way she makes me feel". Because feelings are a make up of the mind. The same thing that makes you mad, can make me happy.

Take our advice.. You'll be saving yourself a lot of hurt and confusion

I talked with her today about it, and I told her that I value our friendship. So we are both feeling good about it now I believe.

I do read your replies and trust me it does help, not everything is correct, but it dosent matter... What matters is your honesty, which was what I was asking in the thread.

Thank you guys for the advice!