| WARNING DISCLAIMER: This will be a bit long more than likely as I tend to start typing and go into rants.
Whew this forum alone is full of all kinds of awesome input and goodies. Now to make this a long story short.. I was poor in High School, didn't wear interesting clothes, had 1 real friend and no one ever talked to me or included me in anything so I never went to parties, prom or ever had any wingmen growing up or got to experience anything of the sort, and now that the /aww High School part is over I'll get to the 20s part of my life.
I am currently 23 years old and ever since I started dating (all which were mostly girls I met online.. yeah.. sad I know) most girls I met online just randomly stopped talking to me or dated someone else and as a result I have a huge fear of rejection and approach anxiety. It's something I'm working on.. slowly.. but working on.
Recently, Ive started going to bars, I live in a small town so there's only really two bars and 1 restaurant with a bar but none the less, it's progress since I was just the guy who sat in his apartment and played World Of Warcraft for years... Now several level 85s later and several level 25 guilds later I was sitting there 2 weeks ago thinking "wtf are you doing? are you really going to waste your youth playing video games? enough is enough." so I stopped.. cold turkey and turned off my subscription and here we get to the bars part. Thus far, I have been the awkward guy who sits there alone and doesn't approach anyone.. as stated above, I've picked up a huge anxiety problem and a HUGE fear of rejection that scares me from approaching anyone. I'm not fat, but I am not built.. I'm just skinny which usually isn't an attractive factor but it's much better than being fat.
In the three weeks, I've got a few names but nothing more and that was because they were close to me and being social and I've only approached one person. However, being the silent observer and watching probably hundreds of hundreds of guys attempt to play this game, here's every thing I have learned so far.. From Bars and from skimming over 60s material.
Bitch Shield - This is usually one of the most dreaded things to an amateur because you're not sure how to deal with it nor do you want to look stupid in front of the whole place (especially when it's in a pub where everyone will see someone going off on you). The truth is.. I've only encountered a bitch shield once.. and it was from a girl at my school who just had a problem with me, never found out what it was and didn't ask. She and her friend were there.. I know her from FB so I approach her friend, the girl from HS says "um you need to back up" and my first instinct was.. "wow what a bitch, what's your problem? Good to see you too after 5-6 years" but instead, I just smiled and walked away. It didn't get to me in her eyes and no harm done.
The Bitch Shield is viewed as a defense mechanism but girls in clubs and bars are very open to meeting new people or talking to a stranger if done correctly.. only the obvious sloppy drunk douche with a mental hard on is going to encounter the bitch shield.. and even then.. most girls are too nice to turn them down in an obvious way so they'll do it discreetly without drawing attention to them.
Body Language Kills You - I don't care how good looking you are or how funny and witty you were when you first met the girl but I've seen nearly every guy do this and this is why they go home empty handed. They get a girl into a seated position and most guys will turn their chair and body facing towards the girl in an obvious way and try to lean as much of their body in as possible before they get any kind of sexual tension recognition from the girl.
Giving the girl some sexual confirmation that you want her without getting positive confirmation from her is pretty much your suicide switch. Perhaps she thought this nice man was trying to have a conversation with her and now she definitely knows "ugh, he just wants to have sex with me." Do not misunderstand me though, there are girls who go for the sole purpose of hooking up but even the obvious body language can still kill any attraction you had building towards her, I see this done every single night.
Social Butterfly - While being a social butterfly and blindly approaching every girl in the bar and being a chatterbox is helpful to grow your FB friends list and MAYBE eventually lead to some F-closes, all you're doing here is simply growing your FB list. (And no.. I don't mean fun-time buddy, I don't mean Face Book)
There's one man who is a regular at our most popular (of the two) bars who opens up every single set that walks in.. while I admire his confidence.. he's missing something.. escalation. He never escalates, touches or tries to connect with these girls on a sexual level nor does he ever try to isolate any particular target. If you're looking to just make a bunch of "friends" I guess that's cool, but I think for most of us in here (including myself) that's what we want to avoid, right?
Cocky/Witty/Funny - I'm up and down about this one. While being cocky and funny may help you build social status, it may hurt your chances to # or F close your potential target.
If you tell one funny joke, the girl you were hitting on is going to remember that joke but if you are consistently funny, they're going to remember "hey, that guy was funny!" but again.. the problem with these guys I see is they never try to escalate it into anything sexual, they think funny and witty alone is enough to get them into bed.
Recognition Of Denial - Do you know what your most powerful weapon is? Your jaw.. that's right, your smile. I think I see every single guy do this when they get any kind of resistance or denial when they try to make any kind of move. They simply try again immediately, laugh it off or they look sad or they try to be witty or flirtatious immediately following such as "aw come on girl, why not it'll be fun" or something or the sort.
There's no such thing as resistance if it's not recognized. So you're an average looking guy and you go to kiss a girl but she backs up and says "I don't think so". She's shy.. give it a while and try again because like 60 says, persistence is attractive.. but instead most guys I see take it personally and try to school or neg her immediately following which pretty much kills off the chances.
STFU - I also notice some guys who simply just can't STFU... they will talk and talk and talk thinking they're building up value but in truth all you're doing is annoying her. Let her do the talking.. trust me, if there's one thing women are good at and enjoy doing, it's talking.. about anything. Guys should be doing the minimal amount of talking, only enough to get her talking more. It's like a social battle, the one talking more is the one trying to qualify to the other person.
The second you start trying to qualify yourself, you lose points in the "chances I would bang him" column and these points do go into the negative by the way. So STFU!
In Conclusion: You can walk around all night being a chatterbox opening up everyone, grow your FB list, tell funny jokes or make obvious "i'm interested in you" body language gestures, but if you never show her you're sexually interested, you will never know if she is too or even get her to that level. Most guys are scared because
A: They don't want to be turned down in front of their friends or the bar
B: They don't want to lose her as a potential hook up and think this will kill off any chances they have if she says no
Contrary to popular belief, even those big buff body builder good looking guys, most nights.. they go home alone because of the above statements. This is just some stuff I've picked up in the past few weeks and I have my own personal "don't dos" that I've been doing.
A: Getting drunk
No... No.. No.. the only girl who will take you up on this is either a very drunk girl or a very easy girl. Still if you're playing this game by chances, you will lose most of the time.
B: Staring
This is another common mistake I make.. instead of creating the moment and approaching, I seem to wait such as "If she looks at me for at least a few seconds i'll go over." This is bad.. There's more than likely guys who are much better looking than you in the bar so she has NO REASON to give you the "i'm interested" glaze and if she is looking at you she's probably wondering why the potential Ted Bundy is staring at her and not moving.
So I am not perfect but like I said.. I'd like some insight on these thoughts and observations. What do you think?
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