| Hi,
I would really like an experienced (or at least different) opinion on the problem I'm having right now. Here it goes!
Background:
I'm 27 and she's 19 (legal drinking age here). We've dated casually for 5 months (we go out alone, have fun, have sex, etc). Things working pretty good. I ran good game on her but started giving in progressively. Not AFC level but I did started to play less game with her. We see each other once a week. Sometimes 2 times or more, sometimes we don't see each other for more than 1 week (I traveled to Europe, she had exams during 2 weeks in which time I gave her space, etc). We have never labeled our relationship altough she onced mentioned that she wanted us to be exclusive.
We talk around 3 times a week with me mainly calling/texting her (I'm not letting her chase me, she's not a chaser and I know I have to improve my inner game , feel less desperate and don't take the initiative as often). Having said that, I'm the one who always ends the conversation and I keep it brief.
I'm also the one who almost always sets up the dates. I'm busy with my job, running, going out with multiple circle of friends, etc. I have a lot of comitments and I'm lately having to run everything by schedule. I have most of my agenda filled with things to do so I usually try to make some time to ask her out (usually on Fri/Sat night) lately as she's mostly tired during the week.
Problems we are experiencing that are threatening our relationship:
1- We've never mixed our social circles. During the time we met, on our 2nd night out we came across her ex BF friends (they are her friends as well as they've all gone to the same school) in a club so we had to lay it low. I kept my cool like a motherf... and proved herself that I don't react on those stupid things. She solved the issue and we went out of the club to some other venue.
Having said that, I had the same problem last Friday at a club. We saw each other by chance and she was with her friends, I was alone at that moment, a little drunk (not much tough, but enough to screw up). She felt overwhelmed, didn't know how to handle the situation, I got a little mad at her, said we needed to talk about this and left (she wanted me to leave and I didn't want to spend any more time like that).
We talked on Saturday (over the phone), I told her "what the f/%k happened yesterday? (laughing at it, not angrily), I was a little drunk." She told me about these friends always making these kind of issues, about her ex BF having problems about her(4 year BF, SHE broke with him 1 year ago). I don't think they talk or anything tough. She says she doesn't know how to handle "US", that we never established what we are and that she feels strange being with someone in a club. That she's never had to deal with someone she's going during a club scene.
2- After talking about point #1, we talked about our main issue I guess. TIME.
She's busy with college (goes from 7am till 11pm), she then goes to work (up to 5pm), then she has stuff like pilates, therapy, etc. She hardly has time for stuff and she's always tired. She says that she never goes out with friends (which is true), that she's mostly tired and that she's making a huge effort to go out with me when I tell her so because she wants to see me but that she wants to start hanging out with friends and do not have to worry about us not going out because of that.
Like I told you above, I'm also quite busy and I've been asking her out mostly (without letting her make plans) because I'm running on a schedule basis.
I've never told her not to go out with friends or showed any kind of jealousy but I'm guilty of pressuring her sometimes to go out (like: "c'mon, you can't be that tired, lets go out and have fun, blah blah"). It probably had to to do with me running everything on a schedule and having issues braking it and also about wanting to have SEX (which is great between us, we really connect).
What I think/want about all this and what my plan is:
I would like, have always liked and had problems having someone understand it (women are usually clingy - not this one tough) to have an independent life were the person I'm dating is there as a support, as someone to enrich it, not consume it. I believe one needs to be independent, have their own goals, etc and then have someone who can enrich all that (and be the same for the other person). I will want to go out with friends and not have to worry about not making time for her. I still care for her if I go out (I confess I've not been doing so lately and have acted needy in an effort to not lose her).
She's 19 and my world is very different to hers. She lives with her parents, I live alone. I can give her an escape from the world she lives everyday with her friends and that is, in my opinion my biggest asset and what I would like to point out to her.
My plan:
She clearly needs space for now and I suppose I have to wait for her to contact me and go from there. Be scarce, don't try to set a meetup unless she asks for it (in that case play it cool and not desperate).
When we meet, wait for her to bring up the subject and tell her what my current view on relationships is and also that being the busy I'm right now, I have to run by scheduling but that it may not be fair to just give her one day and expect her to meet me on that particular day (given that she's busy and tired as well). Try to set up meetings more on the fly and have her come to me more than I come to her.
What should I do if she doesn't contact me for a few days. Would you wait for Thursday, Friday? Come up with some text like: "are we fighting... and most importantly, am I winning?" Just call her and she what's going on and avoid the topic? Call her and discuss this?
Saturday is her birthday so I could wait for that day to call her but to me that sounds more like a desperate attempt and shows that something is very wrong with our relationship.
We have stuff in common that I really like, she's very cute, fun, mature for her age (although she still has things to learn relationship wise).
I know I can let her go, find other women that will be just as good as her but this is usually a sticking point in most of my relationships and I would like to go through this plateau for once. She is quite independent which is not something that easy to come across and I think that she may get the kind of relationship I'm pushing for.
Let me know what you guys think!
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CHAT