Met a girl online - went on several dates over last few weeks. There had been kissing but not much more until Tue night. She might still be chatting with other guys online but she's invited me to a couple things with her friends over the next week.

I like her and she seems to like me - but fairly often she doesn't reply to emails or txts. I've tried to be cool about it but it sometimes bothers me. Yesterday we exchanged a few short emails during the day - I txt'd around 8:30 asking her how her day went. No reply.

She worked during the day and at night so maybe she was just busy/tired, but how hard is it to send a txt with a word or two? She always has her phone nearby. It's happening enough to make me wonder.

How to handle this? Possible options I see: ignore it / shrug it off (but I'd like it to change); email/txt... "are you ok?", "did you lose your phone?", or something like that; express that the lack of response bothers me (I'm guessing this one isn't highly recommended); ignore her communications today; something else?

I know you may not want to hear this, and I keep saying this over and over in this forum, but texting, email, and Facebook will only set you back with women.

Those three things combined are like an electronic leash a woman can use to keep you monitored. Also, in my experience it gives her too much wiggle room to have things on her terms, and break dates.

I set the tone early in the relationship if a girl is texting or emailing constantly. I'll let texts go unanswered for a day and if the girl makes an issue over it I tell her that I want to save it for the date, so I can see her face. Also, it takes away from the conversation and 'catching up' element while you're on dates in the initial stages. If you send out numerous texts and emails in between dates she doesn't have time to miss you, and if you don't in her mind she's wondering, "What is he doing?".

This concept usually helps me because it presents a challenge to her, and adds mystery to my persona. These two things are known to build attraction.

Remember, the phone is for making dates. The other stuff just lets her keep an eye on you so to speak.

I say ignore the missed responses from her. Cut off the texting and emails altogether, and start going out on a date with her once a week.

Ok that makes sense. Here's the weird thing... I think she's doing all that stuff to me! But I can't tell yet if it's on purpose (to actually build attraction because she likes me and I'm not exactly the "throw the girl onto the bed in the first few mins I meet her" kind of guy [more the opposite]) or just the way she is. I'd really like it to be the former - but how would I know? (unless I ask her which seems discouraged)

We don't email or txt a lot - just a bit here and there - but I can still tone it down. I don't add gf's (or potential ones even) to FB.

She's tough to figure out - she's suggesting dates, inviting me to things with her friends (first one is tomor night), saying that she saw this picnic spot like a month ago - really wanted to go with me - and was just waiting until the right time/day, planning things in advance (she asked me to a ball game a week+ ago that's at the end of the month), she kissed me first - and yet... she doesn't say many nice things about me, rarely says she misses me or is looking forward to hanging out (but sometimes does), seemed to me resistant to do much more than kiss (but was pretty receptive when I finally just went ahead anyway), doesn't reply to txts/emails sometimes, is still checking her online profile, etc.

I'm probably my own worst enemy here - I just wish I knew if she was playing me, or what's the best game with her... I'm just all around confused - and I don't know how to sort it out. I do like her though.

Don't ever ask her if she is doing that to you. You be the one in control and don't worry if she's gaming in a similar way.

If this girl kissed you and is asking you out on dates she's attracted. Limit the dates to one a week and no weekends here at first. The only problem is the group date. Tell her you have plans. Only say that. "I have plans that night." and that's it. If she presses which she probably won't and asks what you're doing tell her, "I'm hanging out with my wife and 3 kids that night." Group dates kill attraction. You can't focus on the girl. She is distracted, and it is a way for her jealous or spiteful friends to put you under a microscope to tell her what they think is wrong with you. You do not want her to even have a possibility to listen to this kind of stuff.

When she starts making all these future dates just come back with something cocky and funny. You need to be the one that is in control and making the dates, but like I said always accept incoming invitations from the girl. She's doing the work.

This girl is attracted to you just don't blow it.

By the way how old are both of you?

Well ok - that's a bit tough to pull off - especially now. I've gone out with her a couple times a week for a few weeks - some of those times were on weekends (including a day thing last Sat). I sort of accepted when she asked last week about going to her bday party so it would be a bit tricky to get out of it now. I guess I could say "something came up" but it'll just seem weird if I don't say what. I could say I have to leave early and just meet her friends and go, or show up late (just in time to take her home maybe ) if I "got stuck working late."

They are going to dinner and then a pub. So I'm concluding from what you said that even if I went and was nice, funny, etc - that it would only be a negative - I wouldn't get any points for being good with her friends, etc? I'd have to get out of the ball game also (for which she's already bought tickets) because some friends will be there too. (She said "I hope that's alright" - and I said "no way " - and she said "ok well then maybe we'll just happen to run into people I know sitting next to us...")
Ok I don't understand this - I'm making the dates, but accepting one's she makes, but teasing her for doing so?
I'm trying not to! I'm concerned that since she's dated douchebags before she may actually be looking for a good/decent guy these days and by doing some of the PU stuff (especially since I'm not good at it) might ruin things. But don't want to be an AFC here either.

I've had a girl doing this to me as well. She would almost never reply to any texts or e-mails. And if she did, it would take her AGES to do so.

I was really confused at first because I knew she was into me. It didn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

We still hooked up and she continued being really into me. Yet, no texting or e-mailing. If she wanted to speak to me, she would call. That's it.

My conclusion in that specific case was: Some women simply ARE too busy with their social lives and don't have time sitting around texting and e-mailing.

So if you start asking her what's wrong and whatnot, you're only going to push her back further. She'll know you picked up on the fact that she isn't answering and she'll know you've been thinking about it and it bothers you.

It shouldn't bother you. She's a busy woman. You're a busy man. If you, for example, want to meet up with her and take her out then freaking do it. Call her up and get straight to the point with it. You will see how little digital communication actually is necessary.

Hi, are you saying it's better to never hang out with her friends? Do you mean just at the initial stages of gaming and maybe if she turns out to be gf material down the line, THEN it's ok to hang out with her and her friends? Just curious as to what context you meant...

I don't like the sound of this now. You didn't have a game plan, so you've made some errors, and hopefully you can recover from them. The thing I don't like is that the girl is starting to sound more like a control freak. Maybe not (I don't know her) but it sounds like it.

If you've already made dates you need to keep them, but like I said group dates in the initial stages of attraction are a killer. What I would do is briefly go to her party. Meet them at the pub after they have dinner and have a beer or two. You're not fully getting out of the date, but still letting her wonder what you're up to. When she tells you a time to meet them just say, "I have plans then, but I can meet you guys at the pub at X:XX o'clock." Better yet, ask her what time they are meeting for dinner and then tell her you can only make it to the pub, because you had already made plans. I don't think it's weird because people's schedules conflict all the time. Another thing is if you just met this girl and have only been out on a couple of dates only get her a funny card. Don't buy any fancy gifts.

I think the comment about you minding whether people came to the ballgame was a shit test. She's obviously thinking you might care that the two of you are not going to be alone. I don't like this situation or your response, but you're going to have to keep this date as well because of the tickets. Cut these kinds of dates out in the future. Any kind of date in the beginning that is not you and her face to face in a restaurant or in a bar talking is not building attraction. Dates like ballgames and movies only distract you from the precious time you need to get her juices flowing. Save that fun stuff for down the line. I'm not sure why this girl is trying to make all these plans other than that she's a control freak like I said or she really wants to see you. But, you need to slow things down.

Here's the deal. I wait five days in between dates to call and ask for another. If she calls in between that time and asks you out I accept. The dates I make I make about four days in the future. In long term relationships I don't count anything until I get about 10 consistent dates under my belt. That includes no group dates, she is making counter offers to dates she can't make, she is being consistent (not flaking), and you're kissing her goodnight (important), etc. I don't ask her out on weekends at first until she asks me why we're not going out on weekends. As soon as she says those words, and most of them do I say, "Okay let's go out next Friday night.". That right there show's her interest level is high. When she makes dates accept them, but what I meant was follow up with something cocky like, "Gosh you really must be in love." or something to that effect. All of this stuff combined gives you the power seat, and that's what you want. Everything in the beginning is a power play. Don't think she's not trying to figure out how much you like her. If you play your cards right and do the right things she will have to submit because she has fallen for you, and there's nothing she can do about it. As David DeAngelo says, "Attraction isn't a choice." for women.

I wouldn't worry if she's looking for a nice guy vs. the douchebags she's dated in the past. Who cares? You're worrying too much about stuff you have little control over. You do have control over doing the right things to push her buttons.

How old are the two of you?

Yes, I think my last post will explain this. Until I get 10 consistent dates in I try to eliminate this stuff. After that usually the girl is hooked and you can go about meeting family, friends, etc. I understand it's harder for younger people.

I'm pretty sure you're right - I've mentioned some things to friends and they've said that too. She didn't seem to be that way at first - she actually invited me to stuff, I agreed, then changed my mind (or the time/day, etc) and she was cool with it all. She seemed a bit annoyed that I got to the restaurant late (on purpose) on Tue night and I joked that I got caught in traffic (it was only a block away - I walked). Managed to turn her mood around tho and the evening finished off quite well. In that situation, there was much less control (and a good amount of passion) on her part - but after, she was all about walking home herself because "she's independent" and stopping me on the front steps from going up to the door (I did drive her home despite her protests).

I was thinking along the lines of what you said - about just showing up for a beer or two closer to the end of the evening. I was going to get a funny card - but also flowers. No other gift tho. We've been out together more than a few times so I don't think it's too much.
Wait - what happened to the bedding the girl asap?? But yeah I guess that answers my question about whether I should show up at her place by surprise tonight - and then throw her on the bed, etc... This is what I'm saying about reading stuff that's confusing - some material says to do things like that.

Oh - and if she is a control freak - what do I do? Are there good articles/pages on handling those or is it a case of letting them go?

Don't do that... just don't, talking from experience here. You'll just look creepy and you'll ruin any chances you might have; life isn't Hollywood.

I have to say that two girls I dated (especially my last ex) would have LOVED it, even early on (actually probably the first night). But like I said, crazy. Most of the guys she dated before me had personality disorders, became registered sex offenders, or were in jail. I guess I'm making your case for you.

So no txt flirty messages now/yet? Like sending something flirty/sexual tomorrow morning to current girl about our encounter earlier in the week?

I'll be honest. I would never date this girl long term. I think at this point too much has gone wrong, and from the things you've written it's pretty much official she is a control freak, and that is usually tantamount to high maintenance as well.

If it were me I would try to sleep with this girl as soon as possible and make her a fuck buddy. She sounds like the type that wouldn't be cool with that, but you might be able to salvage a couple of lays out of this.

You've got to start doing things on all dates like wearing nice clothes (collared shirts), walking her to her car, and picking her up on dates. Why are you not picking her up?

I know a lot of people would do it, but in San Diego showing up with flowers this soon is a bad call. Maybe it's a regional thing. Personally I think flowers isn't really the type of thing you get for a girl's birthday anyway, but maybe that's just me.

The more you type about this the more it sounds like you're not in control here. What I meant by slow down is that you need to start thinking more about what you're doing and stop seeing her more than once a week.

All in all based on what this girl is saying and doing, and you're telling me she's dated a lot of douchebags I would get it out of you're mind that she is long term material, but keep building on the attraction and challenge and moving towards getting sex. In other words play her for sex. What kind of douchebags has she dated? Are you talking about losers, drunks, brawlers, drug users? What do you know about the guys she's dated?

I wanted to mainly know how old she was. Girls between 18-22 are usually all over the board even day-to-day about what they want and are more unpredictable about their actions and thus harder for me to make a call about what to do. Girls in their low to mid 30's are usually easy.....in theory. It's the whole biological clock sexual peak thing, but it doesn't always work like that.

I don't know of any articles specifically of how to deal with control freaks. You can private message me if you want to focus on this more. I think a lot of professional's advice would be to eliminate her as a potential for long term relations. That's why I told you to make this a sexual thing without investing too much of your emotions. It's hard for some guys to do.

Fair enough - I get what you're saying.

The reasons I haven't picked her up are... first date or two women don't seem to want a new guy knowing where they live (plus she just moved - she was out of town before), we met after her work a couple times and she drove straight from there, and the other night she wanted to walk. I did pick her up for our Sat thing.

But ok, this is where I get confused - I mean I know we're supposed to be our best selves - look good, dress well, etc - but I've read a lot of PU stuff that says to not do the chivalry stuff like open doors (I still do tho), or do extra stuff like walk her to car. Then there's the whole... let her pay for everything stuff.

I'm not sure on the flowers - two women (one a friend, one I just met [coworker's gf]) I asked agreed it was a good thing. But yeah, I don't know. So just a funny card then? Seems the flowers might impress her friends - but then again, maybe they'd be jealous - who knows? (do you? )
Don't know a lot of the details about ex's (pretty sure that's not great convo material). She says she goes for hot guys where the sexual stuff happens fast but then things burn out quickly - she says she wants to change that. She seems sincere about that but....

Like I said she's difficult to figure out - I mentioned a tour activity in a recent email that doesn't start for awhile (like months) and it sounded like she's up for it, I'm potentially going to meet her friends - all seemingly more serious/longterm stuff - but at the same time some of what she's saying/writing is leading me to wonder if she's out with other guys and lying about it.

I think if a girl doesn't want you to pick her up it's a possible indicator her interest level is low or she has trust issues. I just feel like a proper date is one where you pick the girl up. That is dating etiquette 101. I think this is more of her trying to call the shots too.

As for the chivalry there are two ways you can play that. If I think a girl is easy (like this one) then I will tend to leave a lot of the stuff like opening car doors etc. out of the picture. Basically, I'm not that nice. If I get a feel that the girl has character, values, and integrity and is a candidate for a longer commitment I will do those things. Use your intuition.

The flowers would be a non-issue for me because I never would have gotten myself into a situation like that to begin with. I wouldn't have agreed to a group date this early even if it's for her birthday. Being aloof like that can work in totally opposite directions. She can get hot and wet over you not going (challenge) or if she's structured it can turn her off. This girl doesn't sound structured, and you don't want one anyway. Again, she just sounds like she wants to control you. The flowers are your call. I would only give a card if it were me having to go on this date that I never would have agreed to in the first place.

No offense to your tastes, but this girls sounds like a slut with tons of baggage. Why in the world are you talking about ex-boyfriends she's fucked? I'm not saying not talk about sex with innuendo etc., but this does nothing to create attraction. If she brings stuff like that up you need to come back with cocky lines to break that up and then change the subject immediately. The focus needs to be on you and her knocking it out. Bad move. I wouldn't believe a word this girl says about what she wants, wants to change, etc. She's all over the board with her wants and her life. I have a general rule with girls like this. It's a three strike rule. If a girl is acting slutty and has tattoos, smokes, drinks a lot, etc., and I haven't fucked her in three dates I toss the number and move on. If you're a nice guy type (you kind of sound like it) girls like this will use you for as long as they can. They prey on nice guys.

Another critical mistake in your last paragraph is that you're talking about stuff in the future. This takes away from mystery. Never talk about the future as in, "Call you later.", "Text you later.", "See you later.", "We'll go out next week.", "We'll go on a tour activity next month.". You get the picture. You're putting the cart before the horse and planning stuff way too far in advance. Again, all this makes her wonder where exactly do you stand on your feelings and puts her in anticipation mode.


Don't ever listen to what a girl says, and only watch her actions. Most girls like fucking the bad boy. I know she "seems sincere" and sometimes older girls sound like they want to settle down, but it doesn't sound like this is one. You need to try and fuck this girl as soon as possible. I feel like from what you've told me she's down for it, but you're taking too much time to try and figure her out. She's given you enough clues, so pull the trigger. Over-thinking things and hesitation will be your downfall. Remember, she's already decided in her mind whether or not she's going to fuck you. It's up to you to do the right things to facilitate that happening.