Hi!

I can't post in the relationship section, so here it goes!

This is the situation.

For the last two and a half years I have been traveling a lot, and had multiple relationships, sometimes at the same time. I would consider my self quite good with the ladies. After a while this all got boring, and I wanted to a girl to settle with for a bit. not long, after that I met her at a pub (on my my way out to meet a chick that was already waiting at my place! ha ha).
So, Ive had a pretty open sexual past, only one "love", and multiple mini-relationships.
At times I'm a big flirt, but believe in full honesty, I would never cheat.

She's 19 turning 20 soon. Great chick, very cute, I would rate her an 8 in looks, a 9 in personality. We clicked immediately, so much so, it felt as if we've known each other for a long time. At first this scared her, since she got hurt by her last LTR. i think she's only had medium to LT relationships. Maybe some flings once she emigrated to the country we now both live in. She's got a very strong personality, and one must be careful with using brute dominance, since she resists that. I'm not a push over myself, so we sometimes bump heads, but after we always sort it out, I normally win, but am happy to admit fault too. We've been dating about three months, but we both feel like it's been absolutely forever.
This girl really likes me, she wants to see me all the time. She doesn't always say it, but I know. however I feel that there are some issues.

The Problem.
I once got angry at her ( everybody is an AFC at times) since she simply wouldn't say that she promises to not cheat on me. ha ha I know how this sounds, but it's not like that. She says that she won't, but more for philosophical reasons. She says that she can't make an absolute promise, since what if she's on drugs, or some incomprehensible event happens. Now, this is how she would respond, if I were to ask her to make ANY promise. Even if it was something simple as saying, meet me tomorrow at exactly 7.30. that pissed me off a bit, so I set my rules. I told her, if you cheat, you'll never see me again. And then moved on.

Am I flogging a dead horse here guys? Pushing to hard to get the girl to "say" what she feels. I feel as if I was.

Now here comes the real crux of the matter.
In the past, before she met me, she's had guys sleep in her bed. Nothing sexual happened, (although you never know guys... they can grope her while she sleeps). i think she's done this quite a lot, and hasn't seen it as an issue. She's not sexual in that matter. Whereas me, I haven't slept in the same bed as girl without having sex with her since I was a toddler. My bed... is a trap.
this Girl will not cheat on me, and we give each other a lot of freedom. It's great.

however, I told her, that I don't want her to let guys sleep in her bed ( There are sometimes parties like that at her dorm). It's not a trust thing, at all. I don't feel comfortable with it though. I think I'm justified.
She doesn't see it like this though, and feels as if I'm making an issue out of nothing. She says she wouldn't mind if I let a drunk girl that I've known for a long time sleep in my bed. (without cheating of course)
She's hang out with guys much of her life... one of those girls you know.

Conclusion.

I told her, that I trust her, and she knows where I stand, if she does it, it will hurt me, and mostly disappoint me. I don't think she's going to have another guy sleep in her bed or vice versa any time soon. But if it happens, how on earth should I keep that boundary? It bothers me, and this shows in my body language. Now nothing is less attractive than a "quiet" guy sulking. How can I put this to rest? I don't want to nag, fight (wont work) or threaten really. but I want to win this, and punish her if she goes against me.

it might be a culture thing, these European seem to be more open in that sense, whereas, I'm from a more conservative country. For example I don't feel comfortable sleeping in bed with a guy, no matter how drunk. or sleeping with a girl that I'm not going to have sex with. It's too close.


Ok, thanks for taking the time to read this gents! this has got me a bit stumped, any help or just opinions would be great. My emotions are tied into the situation, it makes it hard to differentiate.

Cheers

You should trust her enough to not have sex with guys in her bed, she already told you she wouldn't do it.

By continuing to ask you're making her more likely to do it.

It sound like she doesn't make promises lightly, which is a good thing. I it were my GF, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. You've already let her know clearly what are the consequences of cheating. If you can't accept she has male friends that sometimes sleep over, maybe you should rethink if you can be with her long-term. You're asking her to change something she feels is no big deal, she can only see this as you being insecure and jealous. She seems trustworthy, doesn't lie to you and is totally into you. You see the sleepover issue differently, it's your perspective. Try to see it from her point of view. Do you trust her that what she is telling you is genuine? That it's nothing sexual? Are you sure it's not a trust issue?
Even if you don't trust the guys to keep their hands off, you should trust her that she won't let it happen.
If you can't, if it's such a big deal to you, you can either force your opinion on this (as you have) and make her respect it, which will ultimately lead her to feel pressured to do something she doesn't believe in and lose some respect for you, or you can break up, because these are your boundaries and you can't have them crossed. If you feel it's a stupid issue to break up over, than maybe she isn't crossing your boundaries and you should just accept the matter for what it is and trust her on this one. I'm not telling you what to do, but if it was me, I'd tell her I thought things over and I don't want to force my opinions on her and trust her completely so it's no big deal to have a sleepover. You can explain where your opinion on this stems from and tell her you've tried seeing it from her point of view. This statement alone will bring you so many bonus points with her and she'll see you as the ultimate cool and confident guy. She probably won't have guys sleep over as often as she used to, just because you've been so cool about it, even though you're not totally down with it, but she won't feel like you forbid her to live her life.
Girls are weird that way, you forbid them something, they feel suffocated and more likely to do it, but if you say, I'm not totally cool with this because of this and this reason, but I trust you so it's ok, they suddenly don't want to do it and don't feel suffocated about it. Funny. So, good luck, let us know what you decided!

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

Well, what can you do?

Forbid her -> She will be more likely to do it, or she will feel the need to take a distance from you...

Allow her -> You have the upper hand, and show you are a confident guy...

Trust is something that is given at the start of a relationship, you can only lose it, so you must give her the benefit of the doubt.

You stated what will happen if she does. So she's warned. Good job!

The only problem you seem to have, is it actually does you something, you can't show this.

I know, it comes up, and you can't hide it, and she will say, what's up? But you can't be touched by it in any way. Try hiding it. or adapting mindset that you actually don't care.

Gives you the chance to sleep with other girls too!

Good luck!

Firstly let me say thank you for a great responses! Sobering, well thought out, and as with all good advice, so obvious you just need to hear someone else say it.

When it comes to thinking I can be with her long term? That has never really been much of an issue with me. I like to keep relationships fluid, if it's good it's good, if it's not it's not. No one is to blame.

i trust the girl completely, and am not at all worried about it being a sexual thing. She would only ever let sexually non threatening guys into her bed. So it's not an insecurity thing. She's also a little flirty with guys (she doesn't know it though) Which I let slide, since I know where she stands. I do it myself at times. Also, my inner game is pretty solid. I know that I'm a catch, and have yet to see a guy in this little backwater town that can hold a candle to me. problem is, you start liking a girl.. emotions kick in. makes thinking clearly hard.

Good point about trusting her, to not let guys get too touchy. However, she likes to party pretty hard sometimes. And drunk people sleep like the dead.
Oh well... I'll rather not think about that, brings stress for no reason.

If she were to do it, I would most likely tell her that I'm disappointed in her, and that I would have understood her wishes, if she was the one asking. Then possibly freeze her out for a week or something.

That was before I posted to this forum.

Now I'll just bite the bullet. I hope she gets the reason why. I am making a sacrifice here, that must come with respect at least.

However, I get what you say. And I will talk to her about it for the last time (so as not to nag). I'll explain where it comes from, why I feel uncomfortable about it, and that I trust her. And that I would massively prefer her not to do it. but In the end she's free.
now I was thinking I would also say the truth. that if she does it, it will hurt me, but that I understand that she doesn't see it as a problem. but just in the same way, she must see that I do. And that I'm not going to tell her what to do.

ha ha how can I make this not sound like a guilt trip. and thus another attempt at governing her?

I try to keep her feeling independent, since I like to think she is. After all, who am I to tell her what to do in the end.
just this catches me. It's a bloody strange concept to me, I wouldn't let some girl sleep with me, I would take the couch, and she could have my bed. Or we have sex of course ha ha!
it might have to do with the fact that she's relatively innocent compared to me, I've seen some of the dark side. Stayed with a porn actress in Prague for a few days.. what fun!

it's nice to see other people here acting as if it's normal. I know that if I told most of my friends, they would say wtf, some guy can't sleep in her bed.

Yeah, option two is what I'm gonna go for.

if she does it, it's gonna bite though.

ha ha nah, I'm not in the mood to sleep with other girls anymore. I'm enjoying fidelity, I'm happy with the girl I got

If you vividly depict how hurt you'll be, it then definitely defeats the object, LOL
You're perception is the result of your experiences. It would be the best if you could really understand where she's coming from and not let it affect you in such a way. This is hard because all your senses tell you it's a sexual thing to share a bed with a member of the opposite sex and all your rationalization just adds to it because you use your experience as the backbone. You have to make the effort to really understand how she feels about it. Imagine a really ugly chick, which is a good friend of yours, staying over because she's too drunk to drive. Unfortunately there's no couch and you have to share the bed. Or imagine whatever makes sense to you to understand how she feels about it, you can't try to understand it from your point of view Read some posts here on the friend-zone and realize how hard it is for guys to get out of it, because that's all they are to her - friends.
If you tell her you'll be so hurt by it, it will have the opposite effect and it will show her that you don't get it after all.
The key here is to convey how much you trust her and trust her choice of friends as well (her friends are probably not the type of guys that would grope a drunk chick).
You can explain that your point of view stems from the fact you usually don't have such relationships with girls, but skip the part about the porn actress as an example You have to make her see you can be emphatic, really put yourself in her shoes, that will give you a lot of points for coolness and confidence and also show her you'll be able to understand her and solve problems whenever they arise.
If you're gonna give her the green light, you should really skip the part about being hurt and disappointed. If you don't, it's not a green light at all.
Just remember, she's not you. She's her. An independent and smart chick who can think for herself.
I can tell you from my own experience, if somebody tried to forbid me or make me feel guilty about a thing like this, I'd soon be speaking about him in the past tense. She may let it slide now, because she's in love with you, but the seed of your controlling behavior will always be there and it will bite you in the ass later.

About friends saying wtf, well, I'm sure a lot of people who read this here, think the same thing. But it's just some insecure macho bullshit. Guys who think like that can't be in a relationship with an independent girl, she'll never act like the sheep they want her to be.

The point is, she was doing this before you. She had male friends, then she met you and chose you for her lover. How does that change the relationship with her guy friends? It doesn't. She's still the same. If you try to change her, nothing good can come out of it.
So try to really understand her and vent your frustration here It would be best if you didn't feel hurt by this, so ask yourself, what exactly would hurt you? Why? Is it because of your own perception? And so on, try to get to the bottom of this.

On a side note, guys usually get jealous and think their GF is cheating because they judge from their point of view, that is, they would be cheating in the given situation. Girls know this. They really do, they can see right through it. So chose your words wisely when you talk to her, if you decided to give her the green light.

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

You guys give too much credit to women...THEY HAVE NO INTEGRITY! This girl is full of shit about the guys sleeping in her bed with it not meaning anything...but that is besides the point...

If a girl told me this, I would not ever consider her long term potential...I would hit it and be having other girls in my bed...but, different strokes...


It is good she doesn't want to promise you anything...at least she has enough to give you that ! lol To me, that is a CLEAR sign she is up for something to happen with these "non-threatening" guys in her bed...lol that is just laughable to me.

good luck!

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"I forgive you...."

Oh come on dude. I have a lot of good male friends, we shared a bed more than once. Not every girl is a slut. So you wouldn't consider a LTR with a girl that does that, that's fine, it's your boundaries. And the promise thing, well I see it as not making promises lightly, which just shows me she actually thinks about things before making a promise. I also see promises as a serious thing and I generally don't promise things. I can say I'll do my best, but I don't promise things just like that, I take that stuff seriously.

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

There's no winning situation here. Trust her. Sub-conscious prophecies have a nasty habit of becoming true. Bizarre.

If she does it, dump her, move on and cut your losses.

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I've got 99 problems but...

If she does what, have a sleepover or cheat?

I don't know, guys. I just don't see how asking a person to change their normal behavior can be a good thing. Either you accept it, or you don't and you just break up. Otherwise it's oppression. I'd feel really bad if somebody tried to change me, that's why I don't try to change anybody.

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

I would agree you can't change them. I would just not get into a relationship as you have implied. And not just trying to argue, but I am not convinced it doesn't bother you. UNLESS you are in an "open" relationship a girl SHOULD NOT be sleeping in a bed with other guys and you should not be sleeping in a bed with other girls...you know, there are fucking couches and floors to sleep on....this is all a bunch of BS....lol and from a NON-relationship stand point, if I were a friend of hers, I would definitely challenge her so called "it means nothing bullshit!."

We can agree to disagree, man, but red flags, on my end, all over this BS.

Mack, when you going to step in here and back this shit up...lol

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"I forgive you...."

Going try blanket answer some of the responses.

Captain, this chick isn't cheating bro. She digs me, I know it. If anything she's worried about me cheating, due to my past (the little she knows).

She hasn't had a guy over since we met, but the concept pisses me off. Nothing has happened with the guys she slept with. I know this cause she used to do this with other boyfriends. Which pisses me off since I have to try deal with the bad habits they built in her.

Cheating isn't an issue. I know when a girl has her eyes open to guys outside of the relationship, since i've got a bunch of chicks with boyfriends.

lol she cheats on me, she wont even have a chance to explain, I would have moved on at that point. Cheating is seriously not a issue. That's what makes this a bit of a fuck up.

it's just something that she's been doing for a long time. Must have started as house-parties and just stayed like that.

ha ha the thought that some of those guys she once let stay over in the past "sleep" with her is laughable.

Txacoli, thanks for the feedback, really given me food for thought.
The problem is... fine, her background makes sleeping in bed with a guy ok. Whereas due to my background it's not ok. Who's to say that she must win through this time?

Judging from the other guys responses here, I'm not asking something unreasonable.

you know what, I wish she had someone to bounce her side off of, let them tell her to feel it from my side. Cause me doing it would just make things worse. Nothing is worse than a nagging guy.
you know, she is a smart chick, and has suitors all the time, as do I.

Most of the relationships I've been in, I've taken a really dominant role. I still hold it in this one, but I can't push it too far with this girl, cause then defense mode sets in. After that, there's no reasoning.


Seriously guys, LTR is not an issue here.

It's not that I don't see your point Captain Morgan, I do. When I try to imagine a chick I really like having sleepovers with some random dude, yeah it bothers me. But when I think about my closest friends sleeping over, I can't see why anybody would be jealous of them or why wouldn't it be ok, they're like my brothers. You know what I mean?

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

That's it... it's not a jealousy thing, it's more of a principal thing. I imagine you and her are quite similar on this issue. To be honest, hearing a girls side is nice.

Acting tough and all Alpha aside, I don't like it that she does it.
Txacoli, what would be in your opinion the best way to get her not to do it.


Oh the other thing... she's shares her room, and she her flat/roommates are all dudes. (losers really) who often party there. So there are always people going to be around you see.

not like she randomly has a friend over... and he would just spend the night with her. that's madness. this is normally like a last resort, drunk in the morning crashing thing.