Hey guys!

I posted a few days back about how me and my significant other are going through what she calls a "rebuilding phase." I'll try to not repeat that whole post over again.
For the record she is 16 years older than me. I'm 28, she's 44. She is the first woman I have been with that much older than me so I'm not super-understanding of the older woman's mindset, haha.

This is a LDR. I know right away most of you will say F that. Get out. I do love this woman enough that she is worth it to me to keep fighting for at the moment. We met last November online. January is the first in-person meet up. The second in-person was in March. We slept together for the first time and were like lovebirds. Then we met later in March and had sex twice...once again, we were holding hands, kissing, in love!

Between later in March and the next time I saw her, April 23rd, we got in A LOT of fights and arguments and had some distrust. On the verge of breaking up we decided we didn't want to leave eachother. She said we should rebuild and go day-by-day with no fighting and see where it takes us and that she thinks it will all work out. She made the promise and swore we would both stay faithful and that we are together but not bf and gf anymore until we work it all out.

When I flew to see her on April 23rd, we hugged. The whole weekend I slept in her bed. The first night with my arm around her, second night apart, then the 3rd afternoon she had her leg over me and faces touching while we slept. She kissed me once....on the neck. She let me kiss her cheek a couple times but no lips.I GOT NO ACTION the whole weekend. No sex, not one kiss..heck we didn't even hold hands. I don't know if it's punishment, if she's truly trying to rebuild and start over as friends, or what. I understand we took it super fast and she thought we were perfect and realized we had flaws together and wants to take it slow and build it up again. She was on her period that weekend to. She kept getting upset that I looked sad the whole weekend but what would you expect if you go from getting laid and being in love to just acting like friends?

We are getting along good now. We def. don't have the LOVE we used to have. She told me last week she still loved me.It kind of is like we are just friends and not much more at the moment. I have a plane ticket to see her next weekend.

If we lived close it would be alright because we could keep seeing each-other and rebuild faster. I planned on seeing her every 3 weekends but I can't keep paying up the ass in plane tickets every 3 weeks to be "friends." I don't know how long this will take. I honestly figured within a month it would be cool again. Maybe I should gauge this next visit on whether or not to keep on it.

Do you guys have any tips on how to try and get her back in bed....heck any tips on just getting her to kiss or hold hands again for starters.

LDRs suck for exactly this reason. It's like relationship in slow motion. A much bigger problem you have is her being so much older than you (and probably having had more relationships than you), she's likely employing skills that you don't even know exist yet.

My advice in this situation is usually to pull back, but a week isn't a lot of time to do much. It sucks to say, but this trip may be an expensive relationship building exercise. You may not get back in bed with her this time, but you can spark the attraction back up once you get in front of her and can go back to a real-time relationship.

Just make sure you go with the frame that you're the younger guy, SHE wants YOU, and you're CHOOSING her. There are some more advanced things you can do while you're with her, but I don't want to bore you with a huge post.

One thing I will warn, though, is that if you do work on the subconscious mechanics like this, make sure that you find some way to let her melt you back into affection as one of the last few things you do before you leave. The last thing you do is likely to color her perceptions for a while, so you want to make sure to give her hope, so to speak.

Thanks for the reply! I know this trip is going to be better than the last. We are getting along now and she seems much happier with me. If only things were back to how they were back in March! I have to figure out how to get some of that momentum back. I am confused how to do that at this moment. Last time I played the "respectful" way and never once tried to force anything or rush anything. I let her be the one who decided if she wanted to hold hands or kiss, etc. I never once asked to do any of those things. It was all on her. Do you think this time I should just find that proper moment where we are walking and just put my hand out and smile at her? I'm thinking maybe I should not completely accelerate but slowly ease holding hands and kissing into the equation again. It's guaranteed I'll be sleeping in her bed. Man thats' tough when you're laying there next to her and know what you've done with her in the past but can't do this time! She just faces the other way and goes to sleep!

Sucks having one-itis!

One thing I have done over the past 2 weeks is no more calling her. I let her call me if she wants. She does every 2 or 3 days. I never call, though. Her life is much busier than mine. She texts me good morning every morning and I as well. Then usually we have a quick little exchange of messages when she wakes up before she goes to work. We used to talk 4 hours a night and now only like 15-45 minutes. I kind of miss it but at the same time, we're totally running out of shit to talk about so 15-45 minutes is good.

in my experience, ldr's do not work

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

The only reason we both decided to do this is because I will be moving out near her towards the end of this year. LDR is basically temporarily for now...provided we last until then.

good luck then! that's another story. an LDR with a plan on getting together CAN WORK

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

This is hard for me to describe, because you have two things going on here. On one hand you need to essentially go back to the beginning, sparking and building the attraction again, but on the other hand, you have history and there's already a foundation there, so you're not starting on square one. If I was in the situation, I know that I'd know what to do, but I also know there's a lot of very subtle things that need to go into it.

Also, you can't be just playing games, because at her age (not knocking it at all, just giving you the truth about the situation) she's seen a lot of games in relationships and can see through them like they were made of glass. I tell you this from personal experience. I've been here, except the ages were basically reversed, but the age difference was (or actually, is...) exactly the same. I could see all the games she was playing, but because she was so much younger, they seemed almost amateurish.

Maybe I can give you a high-level view here.

Think of this "rebuilding phase" (and that's exactly what it is) as an accelerated courtship. Don't put it all on her, and while you don't want to push it too fast, you still have to be a man and take control of the situation. It doesn't sound like it's been too long since you've been in the game, so you shouldn't have a hard time remembering what you need to do.

I don't feel like this is enough real information to guarantee success, but I'm much better giving advice in real time.

The problem I am having right now is we barely talk anymore. We rarely talk on the phone now. Maybe this is my fault...I never call her anymore. She calls every few days. We just send a couple little texts throughout the day. I don't like it. I wish we were back to talking all the time. I still am going to see her next weekend, though. I need to get that special connection back, somehow!