I'll try to keep this as concise as possible but I would greatly appreciate any advice on this.

BACKGROUND: I moved out to California for the military and met an amazing girl. We started dating and things lasted about 5 months. Unfortunately the timing was awful for her. She had recently (about 4 months) gotten out of a year long relationship in which she was totally in love. They had a dog together, were living together and had even discussed marriage. So, obviously she wasn't over that situation when she met me but I was stupid enough to think that she would be capable of being ready if I stuck around.

The relationship started to stall a bit and I told her we had to slow things down or break them off because this isn't how a relationship should be. I consider it more of a mutual breakup because she was giving me every reason to call it off - she just didn't have the balls to do it.

After we broke up she told me that she wanted to date other people and see how that went. So I stopped talking to her, I made her aware of the fact that if she wanted to date other people I didn't want to be in her life. We didn't talk for about two months then on my birthday she texted me and then again on christmas and new years. I know she dated a couple people over these 4 or 5 months but is no longer and it never got to a serious level.

I never initiated any of the texts she sent me and made sure i stopped replying after a couple. Then I decided to leave Cali to get away from it all and I saw her for about 10 minutes before I left to say goodbye. One thing she asked me was if I'd been dating or who. I said I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell her why, but obviously I wasn't over her and didn't want to date. Although I had a few one nighters.


QUESTION: So last time we communicated was probably the first week of 2011. Now she randomly called me and left a voice mail - I haven't talked to her on the phone since September. She knows I'm coming back out to California soon as well. I'm still friends with a few of her friends, so they told her too.

How should I respond to this voice mail?

Part of me wants to tell her we shouldn't talk because I still miss her sometimes and it would just be easier not to communicate. I don't think this will help me attain my goal though.

Another part of me just wants to play it off like I don't care and catch up with her - but if I do that I'd want to know if she's seeing someone right now. Because if she is I don't even want to waste my time with it. But how would I go about finding out in an indirect or not-so overt way? The problem I see with this though, is I don't want her to think I'm cool with the just friends thing. No way I'm doing that.

I kind of want to ask her if she talks to any of her other ex boyfriends (I know the answer is no) and then ask why she's talking to me. This may seem too direct though.

I suck at this sort of thing, any help would be appreciated.

Express00,

I don't blame you for treading carefully in this situation, man. This girl is obviously carrying a lot of baggage. There are so many possible reasons why she is repeatedly attempting to contact you. One thing that I do know is that it is human nature to want what we can't have. Despite the fact that she may have wanted to break up with you when you were together, you were the one who called it quits and are now refusing to reciprocate her efforts to keep in touch. This could be her way of trying to regain some control, because right now, you hold all the cards my friend. Unfortunately, there's no way to be certain.

My suggestion is simple, although not simplistic. Be friends with her and date other people. If she wants to get back together, explain to her that that the only way you two will ever date again is if you're convinced that she's ready to do so. There's no reason why you should invest yourself in this girl if a few months down the road she's going to change her mind again. Then again, there is the possibility that all she wants is your friendship. You should prepare for this. If you can't handle it, then politely excuse yourself from spending anymore time with her.

I wish you the best!

The Leading Man

I appreciate the advice. And I agree with you.

I guess what I'm concerned about is looking like I've accepted defeat. I don't want her to think I'm friend-zone material or am interested in such a relationship. How do I balance that out without coming on too strong?

Express00,

The only way you will have suffered defeat is if you remain friends with this girl, despite it being something you're not comfortable with. If you want to date her, then accept no less.

The only thing I can suggest to you is spend time with her, but don't pressure her into a relationship or make demands of her that could potentially make her uncomfortable. Be casual, but playfully flirt with her whenever you have the chance. If she reciprocates, try to escalate the situation.

As I said in my previous reply, this is a risky situation because of how much baggage she is carrying around. Tread carefully.

The Leading Man