Hi all, hope you are well.

First of all, I know this would be more suited for the relationships section of the forum, but the post restriction won't let me put it there.

I'd been seeing a girl from my college for a couple of months. At first it was just typical friend stuff but it eventually escalated to intimacy. We spent time together numerous times, where we would kiss and stuff.

Anyway. Just over a week ago, I suggested we make our relationship official and exclusive. She said maybe.. She was worried that I generally didn't seem interested in what she had to say. She thought that I didn't really seem interested in talking to her and that I seemed like a different person to who I was when I texted her. I argued (not really argued, just pointed out) that it was because I'm a pretty shy person and I haven't totally warmed to her yet, so I'm perhaps slightly on edge or w/e when I'm with her and am unable to talk and shit comfortably.

She also pointed out that, although she's been intimate with guys before, she's never really been in a relationship before. She says she is 'afraid of it'.

So, we decided that we'd try out being in a relationship. In many ways, we almost already were official, given that we'd been seeing each other and kissing and stuff for a while and she had said she didn't want to see anyone else.

Anyway, as I said, she agreed that even though she was a little doubtful, it was worth trying being together.

We didn't get the chance to see each other for the next few days - I was away. Anyway, a couple of nights ago I texted her, to see if she was free to do something one night after college that week (I do see her in college, but only briefly). Turned out we were busy at the wrong times, and we couldn't see each other for that week.

Cue me going into AFC overdrive. It was our first day back at college (after a few weeks off) the next day, and I asked her how she felt about me being 'boyfriendy' around her - we don't spend much time together there, so I was basically just making sure she wouldn't be embarrassed or whatever if i kissed her or held her hand or any of that crap in front of her friends, who aren't familiar with us being together. She didn't seem to get that I was just seeing if she was cool with stuff, and seemed to take it that I was saying I thought it would be weird or awkward to talk to her there and basically that I was embarrassed of her. Stupidly, I suddenly started questioning the viability of our relationship. It was one of those dumbass moves where you (well, not you, because you guys aren't AFCs ) say something like 'I don't know if this is going to work' and hope for glorious reassurance that it will. Inevitably, it my foolish move was rewarded with her questioning our relationship too.

A few texts later and she'd decided that, even though she said originally that she thought that maybe we were meant to be, she was questioning it. She thought that little things like our earlier discussion (if you will?) would keep happening and said that she thought we shouldn't bother trying anymore. Even in this final text, she did say that she wanted to try being with me, because she liked spending time with me.

Anyway, I sent my best "okay, i'm not bothered" text and that was the end of it.

I now very much regret making such a big deal out of crap, and I know that we'd still be together if I hadn't let it go so far. I want to get her back.

Now, I do have minimal knowledge on what is meant to be the ideal way to approach the situation. I won't text her, Facebook her or anything like that, and I'll do everything I can to look like i'm cool with things and am getting on my life, without being too obvious. Unfortunately, she's in a lesson of mine, so I can't totally remove myself from her life, but I just go straight into the lesson, sit down then piss off instantly at the end - best I can do.

Anyway, any advice on winning her back would be very much appreciated. Also, any insight into where I went wrong would be great - if things work out and I get her back, what do I do differently?

I intend to keep living my life, enjoying other aspects of it and keep my eyes wide open for other girls. But nothing would make me happier than to get this one back, and make it work.

Many thanks to anyone who read that, any advice would be awesome!

Keep it real.

Don't "keep it real" me. You're all talk. Your girlfriend acted like an insecure girl and you acted like an insecure girl, it's pretty clear why you FAILED SO HARD. Sorry to beat you up, but I don't think you quite understand what a horrible display this is. If you want her back, stop trying to be "the cool guy" that's always at arm's length. She pretty much outright asked you to show interest in her. Buy her flowers and apologize for acting too cool for school; tell her you got some bad advice and you're going to start showing her how much you like her. If this sounds dumb and AFC to you, you're clearly not that into this girl and should just leave her the hell alone and let her first relationship be with a man.

P.S. you did not "have" shit.

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31 and still figuring it out.

First you made the mistake of YOU asking HER to commit. Never do that (once i did it also, but the day afters he came back to the question saying yes)

Second, you talked too much about stuff, emotions etc. don't do it, especially not so early in the relationship. Let your actions speek.

Third, if you come over as if you aren't sure about the relationship, she probably noticed and thought the same way too. It is difficult to say whether her behavior is provoked by yours, or whether it was just a "relief" for her seeing you were doubting too.

Anyway, i don't think the NC rule will work in this case. Because you have the possibility this girl just thinks YOU are the one who doesn't see any future with her. HOWEVER, you clearly need a break.

My advice: go NC for about a month. Hang out with your bro's, have fun. Then go back to her asking to hang out. See where it brings to you, but SIGNAL well. Go kino, get her comfortable, and be sure she SEES (don't TELL her!!) you like her, while keeping options clearly open to other girls.

Don't expect her to contact you, i don't think she will.

I wish you all the best.
A.

Go no contact for a full month at your own risk. If she's a quality girl, someone will snap her within a couple weeks.

Good call on asking for a commitment. I've just told girls that I'm not going to keep seeing other women so I can concentrate on them.

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31 and still figuring it out.

Really appreciate the insight guys.

minsok - I guess I touched a nerve? I'm not ashamed to admit (and I don't need to, you can clearly see for yourself) that I'm totally useless with girls. I appreciate your advice, but it's a little disappointing to be talked to like that, especially as a new member. But hey, never mind. Maybe flowers would be a good idea, but wouldn't that come across as a little strong, given that we weren't ever really together? I mean, you said it yourself, I didn't have shit.

Apocalyptica - Thanks for the insight mate, you've opened my eyes somewhat. Your second point is definitely the nail on the head. Yeah you're right, it's not easy to tell if her uncertainty derived from mine or she was just relieved to see the doubt was mutual.

Suppose I do talk to her again in a month or so, or she contacts me (not likely, as you say) how do you suggest I go about it? It's unlikely to be in person if she does, would it be best to more or less suggest we do something straight away or just chat and perhaps ask her a couple of days later?

Thanks again, any more advice would be great.

When recontact:

don't chat with her. It will be akward most likely. Instead send her a message, using facebook or email if you guys arent' on facebook.

be casual, ask how she is doing and tell her your going to a club/bar hanging out with your homies. tell her she can join. don't even ask her. you should pretend you are perfectly fine without her, however you keep the door open. the most important here is that you don't act as if you are waiting for her - being needy, insecure etc.

you should be the fun guy not caring anymore at her, but still acting friendly. girls want what they can't have.

let her respond to you. arrange some night to meet.

when meeting put up the jealousy plot. Basically you should make sure you have GIRLS around you. Be casual with the HB, but mainly focus on other girls. Flirt a bit with them. Let her get jealous. Spread your attention 70-30, 30 for her. However, WHEN talking to her, be nice and kino kino kino.

Be sure you changed, get a new coat, work out a bit, get a new haircut. a new t-shirt,.. something new..

act chill, go with the flow and you will soon know more ...


i'm going through the same process right now

the bottom line is this:

MOVE ON. let her NOTICE you move on. Maybe she will come back. If not, it was never meant to be...

don't forget to signal you really like her, but do it only minor... and no fucking words mate. no bullshit about "you so special" blablabal ACTIONS.


Go for it.
A.

Okay, good call, I can be pretty venomous when I want people to listen. It sounds like you're actually open to advice, so I'll lay off. Flowers might be kind of strong, but how do you FEEL about this girl? Do you want to do nice shit for her that most guys don't? Or do you want to have sex with the least amount of work possible? Either way, setting yourself apart is really the way to go. Flowers can be cheaply got at most grocery stores.

As for sending out a text or a facebook message and all this other SHIT, think for a minute. How would a girl handle this situation if she were in your shoes, which your girl kind of is. She'd send out a boring ass text or facebook message saying nothing like "hey, how are you?" Wasn't the problem in the first place that you were behaving like a girl? Men take the reigns and AT LEAST make a phone call to talk in person. Forget this passive aggressive shit, a lot of guys on here can get a bunch of phone numbers and think they're players. You'll see a lot of the advice you get is from cowards too scared to risk any actual rejection.

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31 and still figuring it out.