I need some experiences or real good advice on my current situation so please bear with me.

Background:

I’m 26 and in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of nearly 9 months everything was going great and amazing until I was diagnosed with testicular cancer last week. Prior to my diagnosis she rung me every day to see how I was coping and to reassure me everything would be fine and she’d support me regardless whatever the outcome is. Lately I noticed I’ve become needier, I feel I need her to constantly reassure me and tell me she loves me. I was never like this before now I’ve turn into a total AFC (I’m not happy being like this at all!).

When I was diagnosed she came to see me the next day and spent a few days with me. The night before my operation I was really negative and said a lot of stupid things I didn’t mean, I tried to snap myself out of this but she still got upset. Before that night I’d never let my emotions and negative thoughts out of me, I tried to shelter her as much as I could from them. One moment I can be upbeat, positive and strong and the next moment I can be negative, sad and depressed, it’s really difficult for me to control my emotions (cancer really fucks with your mind).

She rung me the other night crying and upset, I asked her was wrong and she said she heard her mother on the phone with her sister and aunty saying she should end things with me. The reason was because she didn’t want her daughter getting upset and stressed over me, hearing this was a real stab in the heart because her mother was the one who told her to support and to come see me. At the moment I need as much support I as can get so I don’t really understand why she suddenly changed her mind. Yesterday I said to my girlfriend that we shouldn’t see each other for a month so I can recover and to give her some space.


Questions I need answering:

1) Can I be needy at this difficult time? How should I act? Would I be depending on her too much? I’ve been experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions at once lately.

2) What can I say about to her about her mother? My girlfriend told me she loves me and doesn’t respect her mother’s opinion.

3) How do keep a strong and positive mind? I can’t work or go out at the moment as I’m still recovering from my surgery the worst thing is I’ve a lot of time to think about things.

4) Should I lie about feelings/emotions to my girlfriend and say I’m doing great when I am not?

5) How can I manage the negative thoughts?

6) Is it a good idea to have some time away from each other?

7) How do I deal with her mother?

Thanks in advance!!!

Ok well im sorry to hear that mate and ill try to answer your questions as helpfully as i can

1) Can I be needy at this difficult time? How should I act? Would I be depending on her too much? I’ve been experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions at once lately.

If i were you i would try not to let it get me down... it sounds like she's a little stressed and depressed aswell because you're placing all this strain on her to comfort you and reassure you that its going to be alright... I know its hard to do but try focusing on the big picture... I.e getting your life and mental state back to normal... im not going to tell you not to be depressed and down in the dumps but try to limit who you tell it too... if you need someone to talk to try speaking to a close friend or your parents just to release the burden off of your girlfriends back... women are more emotional then men so you could probably say she's experiencing a massive emotional rollercoaster aswell as you and its not even her who has cancer... so to answer your question... no i dont think you should be needy through this difficult time, be positive and enjoy every day as if its your last regardless if your sick or not

2) What can I say about to her about mother? My girlfriend told me she loves me and doesn’t respect her mother’s opinion.

Ok well personally i dont think you should say anything about/to her mother... fuck her mother! her karma will come mate, if she's that shallow then she can go and get fucked the stupid mole lol.. if your girlfriend doesnt respect her mothers option then why bother listening to it? who cares about her mum she lives her own life just as her daughter will do too... fuck her lol...

3) How do keep a strong and positive mind? I can’t work or go out at the moment as I’m still recovering from my surgery the worst thing is I’ve a lot of time to think about things.

affirmations are good to use... say them enough times and you'll truly believe them... you need to find something to take your mind off of all this stuff... try learning something you really enjoy... i enjoy the psychology side of things so i'd read books on psychology... find out why people do and think the things they do... i found it helped my when i got in a depressed state of mind... i'd think why was i feeling this, how i can overcome it etc... you just need to keep your mind occupied.

4) Should I lie about feelings/emotions to my girlfriend and say I’m doing great when I am not?

Dont lie to her... you need to really be doing great otherwise she'll see straight through your lie... women have like a sixth sense when it comes to this kind of stuff... if you have to tell her how you're feeling then keep it to a minimum... remember what i said earlier she is feeling this burden just as much as you.

5) How can I manage the negative thoughts?

Same same as i said earlier.. affirmations, finding out why we think the way we do, occupy your mind, think about the good things in life and throw out the negative ones... even looking forward to your favourite meal at lunch time can help you improve your attitude.

6) Is it a good idea to have some time away from each other?

Ok this is probably the hardest question you have here... its hard for me to comment on it because i dont know her personality however i'd probably say to stay together but maybe enjoy a week or so to yourselves... just to release the tension that builds up during these tough emotional stages.

7) How do I deal with he mother?

As i said earlier... fuck her mother... who is she? she's a nobody mate, who cares about her... if your girlfriend listens to her mother instead of her heart then she isnt the right person for you and she is very very naive...


i hope that helped mate... i have never been through the exact same experience as yo however i've had my ups and downs and i may be only 22 years old but i've been through a lot in my life... mentally and physically so thats what i've learnt from my experience i hope it helps you mate

Sav..

_________________
A wise man once told me
"Bros before hoes, unless hoes have no clothes!"

Hi Sav,

Thanks for the advice! I feel loads better! You made some great points there, I never realised that I was wasting me energy and time focusing on the negatives. I feel a lot more positive after reading your reply because I never saw it the way you did. When I was told I hard cancer, I thought to myself it's a death sentence and for it to happen in the testi made me feel less of a man.

I'll do my best not to burden my problems on to my gf and I'll speak more to my friends and family about my feelings. You're right, I shouldn't be a AFC and constantly needing her to reassure me, I know for sure once I'm cured I'll be a lot stronger even more than before.

A few more questions Sav, how do I constantly stay in a positive state of mind? Why do negative thoughts come into my head? I wasn't like this before and I'm trying hard to get myself back to how I was.

Thanks again

Yeh mate no worries... you felt less of a man? a man is not defined by his physical flaws! he's defined by the courage, the leadership and the versatility he possesses! adapt and overcome i say... look at lance armstrong... same situation and he won the tour de france after his surgery... he didnt let it change his life, sure he was probably upset about it and went through the same emotional states that you are/have but he overcome those states and decided that its not going to stop him from achieving what he wants... i think you should be the same way life is short man, im in afghanistan as we speak and i've lost a few mates here and they were too young to die... its made me realise not to take advantage of the little things in life because sometimes the little things are all we have... remember there's always someone else out there thats in an even worse situation then yourself... cherish every footstep you take because you never know when it will be your last

and as for trying not to get depressed? you will never eliminate depression from your life... look at those hollywood stars, they have all the money in the world, they're classed as the sexiest people on the planet, they get pussy like its going out of fashion and yet they still get depressed... everyone gets depressed man you need to do what makes you happy to limit the time spent in the depression state... set yourself goals to overcome, write out a list of where you are in life now and where you want to be 6-12 months from now and slowly work yourself up to that... have small daily goals such as "Today i want to learn at least 5 interesting facts about the planet"
if i were you i'd probably look at this in a positive way by internalising your game even more! i've spent 9 months here and all i've worked on is internalising everything i've learnt... knowledge is power... the more knowledge you hold the more power you have use this time wisely, try completing a university course at home etc...
dont let this get you down mate... be the man that adapts and overcomes what life throws at him not the one that sobs and cowers in the corner

you'll be right mate

_________________
A wise man once told me
"Bros before hoes, unless hoes have no clothes!"