Hey guys, first time poster here. Before I dive into my issue, let me say how much I appreciate this community and what it's done for me. While I'm certainly no guru, the few lessons I have learned and utilized have boosted my confidence significantly and have helped me begin to discover who I really am as a person. I'm so glad that these type of resources exist and are available to me and others who have similar issues!

Anyway, to the meat and potatoes of this post:

About a year ago I met a girl at school. At the time she had a long-term boyfriend so I chose not to pursue her. Fast forward to the present: Her and her boyfriend have parted ways and have been separated for approximately 3 months now.

Whenever I uncovered this information at the start of the semester about a month ago, I decided to begin to pursue her in hopes of becoming more than friends with her. Since my initial approach, we text each other daily, have gone on several dates, and have spent a few days just chilling at my apartment.

Last night I initiated a conversation with her via FB chat in attempts to try to unveil how she felt about me. The following bullet points are snippets of conversation said (mainly) on her behalf.

- "i love hanging out with you... you're so much fun and it's refreshing to be around you."

- "i always have a great time with you, and that really draws me in."

- After telling her my opinion of how I believed she felt about me (Me: I believe that you view me as someone that could be more than a friend. You don't know in what capacity, when, or how, but you recognize that we share something special - even at this point just as friends.), she replied: "I don't know how to view you, but I am certain that we are getting to know one another. I do realize that what we have between each other is different from other friendships...I just can't point my finger on it. And my resistance is coming from the fact that I am not ready to pursue anything... my fear is that while getting to know you, that i'm leading you on and potentially hurting you."

- "i think being single right now is good for me, so i can just figure myself out again."

- i don't want to rebound, you know what i mean? i get tempted, yes. but i am not about to do anything i'll regret or hurt someone i care about."

As you can see, I feel like I am really getting some mixed signals here.

Today, after the preceding conversation, she is still texting me and has expressed interest in hanging out tomorrow.

What is going on in this girls head? Why does she continue to express interest in me but have her guard up as a result of not being over her ex? Have I fallen into the friends zone? And if so, what methods can I use to pull myself out of it?

HELP

This is only confusing when you refuse to accept the possibility that she isn't interested in your romantically. Women do sometimes put up barriers to what they really want for a variety of reasons, but for the most part, if she likes you she will be receptive to your advances and won't make half assed excuses about timing, and risk of 'hurting you'.

The signals aren't mixed, in my opinion she isn't interested, but probably likes you as a friend/confidence boost from the opposite sex.

These situations don't happen when you state your intent clearly, how could there be any doubt in your mind with how she feels about you if she's hung out at your place multiple times? Did you escalate in any way during those private times? The 'dates' you've been on, are you sure they were dates in her mind? Or just yours? The fact that you were trying to 'unveil' her feelings over facebook chat as opposed to on the phone, or better yet, in person, is telling. Women can smell fear of rejection a mile away, and it repulses them.

When you try to move in on a girl like she's a T-Rex that can only see movement, by creeping along one inch at a time hoping to not blow yourself out... you blow yourself out. When you're nearly indifferent to whether or not she's receptive to your advances, and in being so proceed to make your interest clear from the beginning, then you actually have a shot. Women decide whether or not you are a possible sexual partner in moments, they generally form their opinion on this while meeting you. That's not to say that certain things can't trigger her to re-evaluate how she feels about you, like watching your supermodel fuckbuddy wrap her arms around you and start making out with you, but in general her feelings are set from the get go.

The next time you're interested in a girl, don't leave any doubt in her mind, give her the power to decide without trying to indirectly convince her over time that you're desirable, and be open to the very real possibility she will not be interested. I'm being blunt in this post because this whole situation screams of scarcity mentality, the idea of 'pursuing' a girl for months without forcing the inevitable moment where she has to decide whether or not she's going to be receptive is AFC, it's how guys end up as orbiters, it's basically the rallying cry of every 'nice guy' that has ever waited for a girl to come to the logical conclusion that she should be with them, when the first thing you learn in pickup is that it's all about how she feels and nothing to do with what she thinks.

Of course, social situations are complex and totally context based. I might be completely wrong here, but this is my honest reaction from what I've read in your post. Good luck man.

Thanks Wagon, your post has helped elucidate things for me.

I am in agreement with most of everything that you have stated, but now I guess what I'm asking now is how should I go about changing my current position with the girl? Or is it even possible at this point?

I was kind of thinking that ignoring her and initiating a romantic relationship with another girl may make her change her mind about me. Would you recommend this, and if not, how should I go about getting her to change her mind about me (if possible)?

Is it possible that you were a little too clingy? Like u called her for the dates and set up everything? If so I had the same experience and recovered by denying the fact that I cared about her coming to some of those events... You should elaborate more about how ur dates went for us to be able to give specific advice. One thing for sure tho is to tell her exactly what you want with no hesitation and don't let her "I'm not sure" get in ur way

Don't listen to anything she ever says, women don't have brains large enough to correlate what they say with how they feel. Judge her by her actions. She might say she just doesn't want to hurt you or make up all these other excuses but in the end, her action is simple. She's not fuking you, so she's not romantically interested. If you buy into her excuses, it just means you're trying to rationalize her rejection. Don't waste your time with uninterested women.

I don't think you should've told her that you want HER specifically. It made you seem kind of desperate for her, and women smell desperation the way sharks smell blood. Express interest by flirting, making sexual advances, kino, etc, you don't have to tell a girl you want to be with her and no one else.

As of now, I think you should go for some other girl and then see how this plays out later. If both of you want to stay friends, then stay friends. If she's still making excuses, then cut your losses and move on. Don't just be there for her consistently like a friend, push and pull and make her miss your presence.

_________________
My Blog: www.solvemygirlproblems.com

You're welcome, I'm happy to help out if I can.

Nothing is impossible, but if you want my opinion what you do next isn't the important question, why you do it is. What you do is stop pursuing her for a little while**. Some people will tell you that you do this for the following reasons:

- It creates a sense of loss
- It communicates that you have options

I think that is bullshit. The reason you stop pursuing her is because it's not conducive to your own happiness to pursue someone who isn't interested in you. Your happiness should be what guides your decisions, and while the prospect of sacrificing it temporarily as a means to getting somewhere with a woman is a tempting one in the face of desire, it's a total trap. When you put your happiness in her hands you're doing you both a disservice, and simultaneously making yourself look less attractive.

The good news is, you can take back control of your happiness at will, which will simultaneously make you more attractive, and more importantly, contribute to the growth of your sense of self respect and confidence. Being willing to stop pursuing her will make you more attractive to her, meeting other women and exploring those options will make you more attractive to her, finding other pursuits to invest your efforts in (career, health, friends, art, culture... life) that you're passionate about will make you more attractive to her but the bottom line is:

It's all just a bonus, because you're going to be living a happier life.

My two cents.

**This is all under the assumption that you aren't interested in pursuing a friendship with her. A real friendship that is, one based on mutual respect that does not include physical intimacy. Don't assume you have to want to be friends with a woman that you desire, that is bullshit social conditioning, you can want a woman as a lover or as nothing without being morally bankrupt. But if she's cool and you enjoy each others company, and if you can truly divorce yourself of your desire, it's a real possibility. In general though, the second condition is a tough one to meet.

Wagon and everyone else has given you some amazing advice. Depending on how many 'dates' you've gone on with this girl, I think you just didn't escalate with this girl. So now that you've expressed your feelings it's weired her out because it's coming out of nowhere.

That's where the "I don't want to hurt you" bullshit comes from. If you want to pursue anything with this girl, then drop her as a potential target for now and move on to other girls. She may see over time that she wants a romantic relationship with you. But for now dude, just move on and game other chicks

_________________
Day By Day, Night After Night