Hey guys...quick background. Met a lady friend in another city on facebook about a month ago, we talked quite a bit and hit it off, I went to visit her a couple weeks ago, we partied and banged it out while I was there. We made plans for her to come here this weekend. I think she likes me a lot but is wary of getting hurt (she knows I'm recently separated and she's had bad experiences with that in the recent past). We exchanged a couple txt's late last week, and she expressed some concern over being able to come. She's either sincerely concerned/embarrassed about being a bit broke at the moment, OR she's trying to put a little "safety distance" between us for her own protection...or maybe some of both, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I sent her directions to my house as if I had no doubt she was still coming. Here's her reply:

I cant do it. quiting job and now no income. i know i was stupid to do that but i did. please dont kill me!

And here's my reply back to her:

LOL...I won't kill ya...spank ya maybe. Seriously, all you need is gas money...if that's the issue, I'll help you out and you buy me dinner
somewhere decent after you get a job. No big deal. If you want to come, then come on. And no, that wasn't stupid if you were miserable there.

How'd I do in my response? Is this calibrated "just right"? Or is it too try-hard or AFC? Is it giving too much power to her? How could I have made my response better? I definitely want her to come because I know we'll have a good time, but I'm not heartbroken or anything if she doesn't come. If finances are the only reason, that's really not a big deal to me...we're talking a $20 tank of gas or so here, which is quite insignificant for a weekend date.

Advice much appreciated,
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Very needy. Bad! *slaps wrist*

How far does she live? seriously? Lets say she's an hour away for argument's sake. 4 gallons of gas to get there and back... that's like $8. If things are that tight that she can't afford that ONE time.... damn. Better stock up on 20 cent ramen noodles.

IMHO she wants to put on the brakes. FULL STOP.

Maybe she found someone else. Maybe you're coming off too clingy (are you sending her messages every day??? don't!! keep her guessing!) Don't know from what little info there is to go on here. Give her space.

Let me/us know if she responds... If she does, some part of her is still interested.

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

OK, I think you're probably right about putting on the brakes. Here's her reply:

Let me think about it. it just does not sound like a smart thing for me to do at this time.

So, I'm thinking I should just tell her "OK...I'll leave it to you to pick another weekend when you're ready" or something similar. What do you guys recommend that might reel her in, even if it's not for this weekend. What will leave her feeling disappointed and going "dammit...why don't I just go?"

I'm still battling the AFC in myself...my first impulse is to say "ok, do you want me to come to you instead?", but I'm NOT going to do that.

Thanks!
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Some background: I'm recently separated, a musician, and have a drama-creating estranged wife. Her last boyfriend was recently separated, a musician, and had a drama-creating estranged wife...she ended up feeling quite hurt when he decided to go back to his wife. So, I give her a serious deja-vue feeling, and I can understand why! I'm not surprised she wants to put on the brakes.


A couple other thoughts on responses...it would be like me to just be sincere and say "OK ...it sounds like you need some space, so no prob. Have a fun weekend!"

Or...I could tease her a bit (also much like me to do that): "Damn, you shag me once (ok, twice) then kick me to the curb because I don't have a Harley. LOL! I'll let you off the hook...have a fun weekend!"

I'm not sure either of those gives her any feelings of regret though...I want to make her feel a sense of loss about not coming..."damn, I'm missing a good time...why didn't I just go?"

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

I've thought about this a bit, and there's no rule saying you need to respond.

Let her wonder. Let her check every day waiting for your response and seeing nothing there. I know it will be hard, and a bit scary. But you can do it.

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

Ah...so you think just not responding at all is better than just saying "you're off the hook...enjoy your weekend!"?

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Yes. Because anything you say will sound like you've caved into her "demands"... She needs to realize that you are the prize here, and that you have other options and won't wait around on her. Basically by withdrawing and not replying, you're sort of punishing her.

I can tell by your eagerness to message her that you message her a LOT, don't you? That could be the problem.

It's scary, I know. You think she'll just walk away. Trust me, that won't happen. The more you are willing to "lose" her, the more she will become attracted to you. It's very counterintuitive, but I've made similar mistakes. A while back I met up with a girl on myspace. We hit it off, date couldn't have gone better unless well, you know... Anyways after I left she sent me a text saying she missed me already, blahblahblah.

I sent her daily texts, things like "smile!", you know, random shit that got her thinking about me. Looking back on it, it was VERY needy and VERY clingy. Then after a few days I start to wonder why I don't hear from her. Then she says she has a BF. Then she deletes me from Myspace. Welp, lesson learned.

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

Hmmm...not a lot, actually. The first two weeks we knew each other, we chatted a LOT...just about every night, in fact. I had tentatively agreed to come see her on Feb 14, but after my estranged wife made all sorts of fanfare and drama while moving more of her stuff out that Sat, I really didn't feel up to the trip. She was a little ticked that I didn't come up that weekend. Then, being the open/honest sort of dude I am, I sort of explained to her that I'm not looking for any serious relationship, not emotionally ready for it. She took that as a slam..."I get that I'm not girlfriend material...call me when you're ready for a booty call". I explained to her that she was girlfriend material, I just wasn't ready for anything serious. She had also expressed beforehand that she was getting a deja-vue with me that was a little scary to her. After that, we didn't chat very much. I made it a point not to chat much with her the week before I went to see her (Feb 28 ). She texted me on Thurs before and said "You still coming?" I said "Yup, have a bottle of that blueberry wine waiting for me." And she did. We had a fun time, and some good sex. I texted with her a bit on the way home that Sunday...I remember saying something about the sex getting even better the longer we knew each other...she replied "Remember what I said I want...nothing too serious between us, too soon." So, it sounds like we both have similar goals at the moment...enjoy each other's company, have sex, and leave it at that. We're both rooted where we live (3 hours apart) because of kids, so it would be really hard for it to turn into anything serious, I think.

I must be giving her the wrong impression (want something serious), so that's what I need to correct. I'm pretty sure she's afraid of getting too attached to me, and then getting hurt if/when my estranged wife and I get back together. (And I don't think that'll happen...just the thought of it fills me with expected misery, so I truly think my wife and I are done.) She should be more concerned that I'll find someone locally that I really like rather than me reconnecting with my estranged wife...that is much more likely.

I'll take your advice, bro...and just not respond. My first impulse is always to just lay it on the line but in a nice way...but I like your thoughts on just let her guess. If I don't respond, I'm pretty sure she will...it'll either be "I'm not coming" or "I'm coming after all". Thoughts on how to best respond to either of those? I want to get her back to chasing me like she originally was (I've got to learn to NOT be an AFC! LOL). For instance, after we exchanged a few sexy pics and cybered once, she emailed and said "I'm gonna hurt you when I meet you face-to-face!". I want to get her back to that. I really think she's just trying to protect herself from getting too attached and getting hurt by it.

One other thought though...she *could* be punishing me for not coming up on Feb 14th like we had tentatively agreed to. That's a thought. Perhaps she wants to see if I'll chase?

Regardless, it seems like the main thing I need to show is: indifference. Correct?

It's part of my personality to respond quickly to people, even if it's just guys friends. That's something I'll have to work on where the ladies are concerned. I really appreciated your advice above!

Cheers,
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

yep! Be unphased by anything.

LOL... maybe we're reading waay too much into this and she's just on her period. She wants to have fun with you but not in front of Aunt Flo... LOL!! Stranger things have happened, let me tell ya...

How to respond to either of her hypothetical responses: "Ok." lol

BTW, in the meantime, I'd recommend finding someone closer to get your mind off things...

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

Good point! I hadn't even thought of that (it never stopped me when I was with my wife, so I didn't think about it...LOL.)

If she waits too long to decide if she coming this weekend, should I *punish* her for that? Really, I should make other plans for Sat...if she pops up Fri and says "I'm coming" I *could* tell her "I've already made other plans...can we re-schedule for two weekends from now?" Is that taking the *punishment* too far, or would that draw her in? Thoughts?

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

it def sounded like she was flaking from jump street. now you know shes a flake! i would have just said "okay." and left it at that or not responded at all to such bullshit. just cut the chick off completely and make her come crawling back to you! if she doesnt than fuck her...you are the king...shes just the vagina!

I don't think anything is happening this weekend between you two, sorry. Plan accordingly.

I would reschedule for whenever's convenient for you both. If that's 2 weeks out, then so be it... I think that's a little ways out there though.

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"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

My thoughts exactly.
Actually, I have my 6 yr old daughter every other weekend, thus the two week plan out. I don't want to parade various women around my little girl...that would be quite confusing and distressing for her.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Honestly Bro, dont take it as anything personal. I read another post of yours about that situation maybe last week and it sounds like you guys have good rapport, sex, etc. Maybe she did really quit her job. Maybe there is some shit going on with her you dont even know about. This would put her in a position to use that job thing and the gas money thing so she wont have to re-hash it with you right now. Let it go and be completely cool about her not wanting to come to see you. She is probably in a shitty place and doesn't want you to see her all grumpy and bummed out. Sometimes people just need some alone time to think shit though. Give her time, I have a feeling she is still interested in you. Dont fuck it up by being pushy; be like water.

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Make Moves

Swoop

Agreed. She's a cool chick, she did quit her job, and I'm not being pushy (or I don't think I am...however some of the posters have identified to me that I may be coming off as "needy", so I need to stop that). If she simply doesn't feel up to it with everything that's going on, I certainly understand...I didn't feel up to visiting her on Feb 14th for the same reasons, so it's no big deal. I'll have a fun weekend anyway.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.