Ok, so I'm new to this forum but I've read a lot of the threads and the advice I've seen is great. I admit I need help and would appreciate some guidance on starting from the very beginning.

A bit of background: I'm 44. I've just got out of a 10 year relationship. Before that I was in a 7 year relationship. Before that I had 3 years of partying and blew plenty of chances with 7s, 8s and maybe even a 9. Had sex with a few 5s. Before that I was in a relationship for 3 years. Before that I was partying and had opportunities but fumbled them all.

So the reality is I'm clueless with women, and a) I'm getting older and time's not on my side, and b) I don't want to stumble into another comfortable relationship then grow old and die lol I need to get a handle on women.

I'm not a good looking guy. I hate myself in photos which is why I'm not big on Facebook or online dating. But having said that I have attracted women so I can't be as bad as my head tells me. I'm successful in work. I have passions, I'm a writer, I've written a great screenplay and this year my goal is to make 3 short films then pitch my screenplay to investors on the proviso they let me direct it myself.

I left my girlfriend 2 months ago and moved to the town where I work, and where I don't know anyone outside of work. Sooooo..... as I say I'm starting from the very beginning with a new life.

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So that's the background, now if I could use this thread for advice I would be eternally grateful and if there's such a thing as good karma it will be freely rewarded to anyone who can help me out.

SITUATION 1:

I went to a meetup about 6 weeks ago in a pub. I met a few people and ending up chatting with 2 girls. I would say a 6 and a 7. They seemed to be attracted and the conversation flowed. We were talking about NLP. On the way out I asked for both their numbers and they added me on FB instead and to a group FB chat.

I got invited to meet the 7 for a drink with her friends. I showed up at this guys house (her friend) and she was there with another friend, a german girl. On seeing the 7 I went for a kiss on the cheek, European style. I had already read a bit of PUA material at this time and knew kino was important, but man it backfired.

She leaned back and looked at me like I was crazy. I carried through though as if it was natural, but knowing I'd just fucked up. The german girl made a joke saying it's unusual for people to kiss greet in the UK, so I kissed her on the cheek as well lol. That made it awkward off the bat but I plowed through. Long story short I played it cool all night, it ended up with the german not liking me but the 7 seemed still vaguely interested although unsure.

So, I said I'm clueless. This was about 6 weeks ago and last night after a glass of wine I was on FB and saw the 7 was online. So I messaged her:

Me: Hey..how are you?
I don't usually do Facebook.. but when I do.. I'm usually drunk.
(I attached a picture of the most interesting man in the world meme, you know the man with the gray beard?)

Girl: Haha, you look different! I'm good, also drinking but only a teeny bit of wine. How are you?

Me: the most interesting man in the world lol
yeah i'm good.. been a while eh?
yeah wine over here too... catching up with FB
it's a dangerous place to be when tipsy

Girl: You think? Yeah, I haven't seen you since before Christmas, have I?

Me: Yeah looong time ago... I think what? FB is dangerous when tipsy?
Yeah it most definitely is.

Girl: It certainly can be!

Me: It most certainly is! lol
where are you, at home?

Girl: Yeah, I've barely been home recently so it's quite nice to be back tbh
(she's an air hostess)

Me: Yeah, you're like a rockstar living out of a suitcase.
different man in every town.
it must be tiresome.

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After this she didn't respond, and the message didn't even show as seen, but she kept going on and offline. My gut said to leave it. But before I logged off I sent this:

Me: Okay, I'm signing off now.. nice chatting an I'm not sure when we'll see each other again but hear ye this.. in the little time we spent together I think I got a good handle on you.. so if you want to learn more say these 3 words... aye carumba mustapha ... merlot&out

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WTF right? I don't know where that came from. But can anyone give me some pointers on what I should have done different here?

Time for you to go to the gym, gramps. If age is not on your side, your body should damn well compensate.

About the report:

You seem to be able to put two words together in a conversation with a girl, but you don't escalate sexually.

Also I hope that's not how you speak to all girls, since it's lame. It's boring.

You need to make them laugh, tease, flirt, make innuendos, escalate physically.

The facebook conversation is a disaster. You seem needy and over-invest. Shorten your messages to the bare minimum, always ask yourself if your message involves teasing or flirting at least in the tiniest and don't ever double text.

Actually, you'd better use texting solely for short teasing and for arranging a meetup. A simple:

"Hey, you're still alive? Let's celebrate this at a nearby pub."

And if she doesn't respond or rejects you just don't text her back anything.

Here's a good guide I found here on the forum that explains better how to do it:

viewtopic.php?f=53&t=189023

I've always been slim so not bulked up, but in good shape. I do salsa and kung-fu classes and lift a few weights.

Yeah, I thought I was showing humour, but I see your point.
Noted. After to read the guide now.