Long story short.

I've met a girl. Took her contact. Met couple of days later after brief texts. I thought that she wouldn't mind me progressing things quickly. I was wrong. Trying to kiss her was a mistake. I didn't know that she is being apporached by really huge numbers of guys all the time and actually all her male friends at some point want to hook up with her, so she does not have many of them. I instantly became one of those guys and she tried to cut me off. But I was patient, wrote couple of nice texts and I guess both of us had pleasure of those texts. Maybe at this point she was willing to resume the contact but put me in the friendzone. That would be acceptable. I fucked up but still liked her as a person. Could continue like that. She has very difficult character. She is accustomed to guys doing as she tells them. She is kind person and is not doing this on purpose but she has a habit of calling meetings in the last minute, replying every couple of messages etc. This is not about how she treated me, these is how she treates everyone. She knows that people will continue to chase her anyway. She is not a one night stand type, actually she can spend many months without proper date. Little bit shy, has some issues with herself, depressive thoughts, can withdraw from social situations. But is very beautiful and smart and knows that she attracts people and has always been popular among guys. She is afraid that people only treat her as a sexual object and is very paranoid about everyone hitting on her.

Well, at some point I've said couple of bad things to her, because I had enought of her issues. I decided to cut her off. Couple of weeks later I've realised that I've made a mistake and since then desperately tried to resume that contact. I know it sounds silly, but seriously, this is type of person you would like to have in your life as long as you understand how she works and what is specific about her. I kind of fucked up here, because I've tried various desperate things to resume the contact. No reply. At some point I even thought that might be too much and she might think of me as a stalker (which really, was very close to it), but I've sent her Christmas wishes and that was the only point she decided to reply. No response to any message before and after that. I've decided to give her a break, because trying this seems pointles. Any clues what I should do? You might say "give up", but I this is really one of a kind person. It's not even about relationship, it's about having someone like that in your life. Bothering her with plenty of messages seems pointles, I've been doing this for months. Luckily she is not scared because otherwise she would not reply to the wishes I guess. It's probably because she knows me enough to understand I am not a threat (rather a nuissance at this point) and that she is accustomed to guys bothering her all the time. I think that smart move would be to give her a break for a couple of weeks. But what then?

You have a Pre-occupied Anxious Attachment style.

What does this mean? You attach very easily, want to 'open-up' with anyone willing to hear you out, have very poor boundaries, and become easily consumed in checking in with the person as to how they feel about you AND are almost constantly in fear of being abandoned. These people typically put other people's needs ahead of their own, and will often in time lash-out to their partner or object of affection for not 'returning' the favour/meeting their own needs.

Her style of attachment looks like Ambivalent-Avoidant. What that means is although she wants to feel connected to people, she grew up with the experience that getting too close to anyone is associated with pain and possibly even losing herself.

Both Pre-occupied and Ambivalent-Avoidant have the uncanny way of finding their way to each other's arms and forming very toxic attachment patterns together.

Your behavior would likely have been deemed smothering by a woman who had a more secure attachment style.

I would avoid contact with this person, but much like an addict, you suffer from co-dependency issues and abstaining from contacting her likely won't happen anytime soon unless you find someone else to attach to.

Thank you for your reply! Yeah, I definitely developed a lot since I've met that girl and I do not make some mistakes that I used to. I definitely developed mostly in terms of internal game, I am less dependant on external validation than I used to be and now I would definitely play this very different. But damage was done and for me it is now more about fixing this thing. I have no problem with letting it go after failed pick up nowerdays, but this one case is different, because this is this type of person that is really valuable to me, despite her difficult character. It's no longer about picking up, it's about fixing the mistakes and having such person back in your life, after you said some bad (but true) things to her, after you were too needy and showed to much affection.

Your post was very insightful and I guess you might be right about our personalities. But what's best for me aside, what would you suggest if I would like to fix it somehow? How should I approach person with such personality, especially at this point, when she does not want to resume contact with me, because I was the one who broke it and I was also the one who gave her affection too fast and the one who said some truths about her that she is ashamed of but knows they are true?

Just forget her, you might be able to get her "into your life" somehow, but the personality combination is so toxic you'll wish you hadn't.

How long have you known this girl?

This sounds like a lot of your own fantasy being injected into what you think this girl is like more so than an accurate description of who she actually is. Mentally you've already placed her out of your reach.

Go give this a read: pua-lounge/topic190620.html

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