So I was dating a girl for about a month and a half, and she had gotten distant and I wasn't sure quite why.

I suspected it may have been because I told her I don't like monogamy quickly, but I also thought she misinterpreted my willingness to settle down (I'm old, so this is not a big deal, and she's cute and rich).

So anyway, I haven't seen her in about a week and a half, and we talked last night (it was her birthday, she's in another city a few hundred miles away for a conference). We last screwed around (a little fingering) a week and a half ago.

She said that she was under the impression that I didn't want something serious (she has asked me for commitment beforehand) and I clarified that was a miscommunication.

She said she had put me into a "casual" category, and had "operated on that assumption" - my reading of that is that she had started dating someone else.

She asked me if I really could see her and I working out.

She didn't say no, she said she wants to "reevaluate when she gets back from [other city]", which I interpret as, "I would like you to go away and hope you don't care enough to keep coming at me, it would make my choice easier."

I tried to convince her a little bit logically (I know, dumb, but she's a scientist so I figured I could do it), but I don't think I particularly came off as too weak.


What's my play here?

I do earnestly like this girl, and if she's been dating anyone else, it cannot have been for that long (perhaps two weeks). That was around the time she started getting distant, wouldn't have dinner with me (said that I "kept her out too late"). She had just REALLY liked me (she liked me enough to show up unannounced at my apartment a week and a half ago).


My thoughts on how to respond in light of the trying to convince her last night:

Send her an earnest message on the dating site I met her. Tell her why I liked her (in a non-needy, this was cool about you way), tell her the choice is entirely up to her, and that I'm completely leaving her alone for two weeks (half of which she'll be 250 miles away).

Leave her alone for two weeks, game other girls and live my life.


See where the cards fall at the end of next week.


Does this seem reasonable? I think not sending a message would leave the awkwardness of last night on the situation, and a message would basically just be like, "whatever you decide, cool, I really liked you, but do your thing".


Thoughts? I'm not particularly attached, so I can just move on from this one if need be, but I really, really liked her quite a bit, and I would prefer not to lose her - especially as we were getting along really well.

Have you fucked her?

From my point of view, if you really don't care, don't send her anything leave her trying to figure out what she possibly wants from you, if she doesn't want your presence she won't miss you, and you won't get a message, and anyway, message won't change any women's mind, only actions.

She was very locked down on fucking, absolutely none before a relationship.

I did eat her out to orgasm, which is, as far as I can tell, further than most guys get without being committed to her.

Well, let me be clear - I do care - I like this girl, I saw a lot of potential with her. Probably the most potential in the past year. She's definitely the smartest girl I've dated, and the most ambitious, which I love.

I'm just not particularly like sad or hurt, I'd say the best term to describe my mood would be, "a little glum/bummed"



My goal with the message wasn't to change her mind so much as make it clear that I care about her for specific reasons and I see potential with her. I was going to tell her I didn't want a response from the message.

We're supposed to, "revisit the issue" in two weeks when she gets back into town, but my guess is that was a, "I hope you'll stop caring about me in the meantime, either because then I don't have to do the choosing between you and the other guy, or just because I don't care that much"


It seems most people are pretty opposed to the idea of sending a message though, even to clear up the awkwardness from last night.

This seems to be your best answer, it was your gut reaction, gut reactions are right more often then not.
Not so much, horrible idea, she was just coddling you on this. again you had a gut reaction to it, again your gut was right.
These contradicting statements tell me your developing a 'oneites' for her.

Go smack yourself in the balls, do 100 push-ups, and go bang a hottie!

You have not 'sealed the deal' yet, so she has no vested interest at this point. You ran into some LMR before, A little push pull would have gotten you over the hurdle.

Message her? Sure but only flirty, funny, sexual. NOTHING else, no reply, no sweat. Example "Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal."

She's is likely getting her guts crushed senselessly & regular wherever the fuck she's at.

But if you play your cards right you'll get another opportunity when she returns.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I read the first few lines and came to the conclusion that she turned the tables on you. It's a classic move you just have to keep your frame but it seems you didn't, now she has the upper hand.

You said you didn't want anything serious -- "You're not good enough for me."

She grew distant and said she put you in the "casual" category -- "Not good enough for you? Well you're not good enough for me."

You crawled back telling her it was "miscommunication" -- "I'm sorry, I actually really like you and would be with you."

She has the upper hand and knows you'll come whenever she asks.

you see, most of the people think that girls are insecure, helpless, poor creators and so on.... ~ bullshit
its a game man, they are smart, they maybe confused, but clever believe me, logically there is no such thing as "i'm not sure", "i need time to think or rethink", decisions aren't equations, its being made anyway, she can't order herself to like you even if you discuss it, just cut it, there is no point to leave you on stand by like a toy, life is too short to wait until some chick will decide whats going on her mind, or put you on her schedule, don't play by her rules.

She hasn't been in a relationship in seven years (which I thought was really, really weird, but the rest of the girl was pretty awesome, so I was ok with it). She isn't fucking anyone unless it's a committed thing.

I'm well aware that her need to "think on things" is bullshit.

So, when should I send a message? At this point, with the advice you've given, my instinct is to wait the full two weeks, and then just send her funny texts.

I'm apparently being thrown some newly graduated 22 year old with giant boobs my way because of some random girl I made out with a few times thinking we're a good match, so that seems like a solid distraction/rebound.

rephrase my point, you care too much, it's the only reason you and every guy fail with woman.
what she says or think she thinks is total bullshit, struggling for woman is bad mistake.
texting after too weeks something funny? if you know you are trying to entertain her, do you think she isn't, is she stupid?
she will ask herself "what he is doing?" - "he is trying to win me" next .
the only instincts, you got are, survive, flee or fight, reproduce... what you count for instinct is recalling some stupid Hollywood film scenario, 100% fail:
waiting 2 weeks for her, indicates her that you think about her everyday - 100% failure, entertaining her, "he want me" - 100% failure.
you got to understand she ALREADY decided, you can't win her through nice guy tactics.
forget her if you don't care, which i know you do, use negative feelings, you MUST show her you got nothing to lose equals i don't care about you.
you want through text? fine.
start using the magic letter I - i want, i feel, i don't want...
on the text, recall her the last good thing you did together which YOU enjoyed most, it has to be obvious that you enjoyed it and done it only for yourself must (for example sex).
wait two weeks until she goes back to town.

open:
"hi, how you are doing?" - indicates nothing from point of view of girl
her answer: X Y Z?
[answer to her question if there is one] + "when do you come back home?
i miss you, you know?" - indicates something wrong and interesting ("why does he miss me")?
her answer: X Y Z...
[answer to her question if there is one] + i enjoyed so much in Wednesday - she tries to recall what was at Wednesday... oww sex
(send and don't wait for an answer for her)

[if she told you when she is at town], "let's go out for a drink" or "come to my place for a dinner i make some tasty food by old recipe" in *day*(day after she gets back). - she knows you do it for sex (you), and not for her.
[if she didn't tell you when she is at town], "so when you come back to town?"

[if she gives you the day], follow the previous.
[if she tries to avoid the date or avoid giving the day of return]"ohhh so bad, well was nice to know ya, bye bye". - (you got to know that if the relationship has chance from her point of view, she will try to save it, anything but - ok good luck or bye bye etc.., is a call for save, else you didn't really have a chance).
[if she agrees to see you] one advise, key idea, use I as much more as you can, minimize using YOU a key rule for your life.
and try to not mess it up.

good luck,
~Vlad