I posted before about my problems in escalation and I got a lot of helpful responses. One of my problems was I could not quite articulate what goes on in my head.

Today I went out and tried to talk to some girls and wrote down what I was thinking. Here is exactly what goes on in my head:
1) This girl does not want to be talking to me
2) she feels like I am harassing her
3) she feels uncomfortable because I am talking to her, but she doesn't want to be rude, so she won't tell me
4) I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, so I will just leave now.
4B) maybe she does feel comfortable around me as long as I am acting like her gay friend. But she will feel uncomfortable if I express anything sexual. so I better leave now.

Thanks so much for your helpful responses, I appreciate you guys because you are very understanding.

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I have not failed 10,000 times. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Edison

Hi Bart,

You make escalation sound like just another inevitable step in the process. It's not.

The best escalation is prescribed based on existing information (that you've extracted or what you already know). There's always a progression right?

Take isolation for example. During the night you may see a girl you are into and begin talking to her: what do you see? Is she looking back at you? Is she holding eye contact? Any touching? Does she laugh at your jokes?

List up a bunch of IOIs and be very aware of them. Sometimes the person will hit on none of the, some on all of them, some of some of them. That's life right? So after you get a good sample, it becomes a battle with your balls and instincts. How do you absolutely KNOW she wants you? You don't. You gather your evidence and then act on it, there's nothing more you can do.

The easy part is when the girl is proactive and comes to you, but you can look at these like a rare dog treat...its rare, but take advantage when it happens (it'll be less "rare" as you get the hang of things).

So back to isolation. When you see enough IOIs, one thing to do is isolate by having them get a drink with you (or go into another room or onto a sofa). This is one of the stages before actual escalation. You need a place to escalate and you also need her blessing (in this case, the "blessing" is that she's ok with your kino AND isolation). Down with kino, down with isolation = concrete IOIs.

AFTER this, is when the actual escalation happens. Proximity is closer, she's focused on you, the alcohol is probably flowing a bit: perfect time for the kiss.

Now obviously that was an ideal scenario...but the steps are clear. There is an entirely separate section dealing with everything prior to this, which is just as important. For example: the image that you have of being a non-sexual, gay friend (as you've described it), is something that will need to change or else people will not take you seriously. This starts with building confidence, gaining experience etc. so attack those areas first if you think theres a need...nothing more awkward than skipping steps and have it be completely obvious.

Good luck man

You're issues go much deeper than escalation. To name a few:

You're too invested in what SHE thinks of you instead of what YOU think of yourself. You've given all of your power to her. You've put the ball in her court. You've let her determine whether or not you feel good about yourself. Her reactions to your approach define your self-esteem. You view her as a prize to be WON by impressing her. You over identify with sexual achievement. You stifle your own sexuality in fear that you won't receive approval or validation from her.

The list probably goes on, but if you want to get rid of approach anxiety, you should work on creating the OPPOSITE of every condition I mentioned above. Accomplishing that may take a year or two of therapy at worst. At best, some brutal introspection on why female validation is so important in your life.

Good luck my friend.

Let me guess.

You have a very dominant mother and your dad is calm and content watching his tv show until mom changes the channel to her favorite soap opera without any struggle from your dad.

How we were raised affects our interaction with other people. The extreme examples will be Ed Gein and John Wayne Gacy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Gein

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wayne_Gacy

If my guess is quite close to the truth, how do you react to cats? And how do cats react to you? Do they rub their bodies at your leg when you're sitting down?

If my guess is so off the mark, just forget about the cat. If it's close, let me know and we can start with Cat Therapy.

P.S. I've met two guys a very long time ago who had very dominant moms and passive dads and somehow, their thinking is very similar to yours.

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Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

You think too much and you think that you could read the girl's mind. Assumption is the mother of all f*ckups.

Your main issue is also the solution: mindset.

Change your mindset into someting positive and you will notice that you will be more succesfull.

1) This girl does not want to be talking to me This girl seems to be nice. Let me talk to her and make her laugh. Let me give her a chance to get to know me.
2) she feels like I am harassing her She is laughing, because she likes my jokes and teasing.
3) she feels uncomfortable because I am talking to her, but she doesn't want to be rude, so she won't tell me If she does not like me, she will let me know for sure. In the meantime, I keep on being myself and I am a fun person to hang out with/to talk to.
4) I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, so I will just leave now. My stories are funny. Everyone is laughing. I am creating a nice ambiance for everyone.
4B) maybe she does feel comfortable around me as long as I am acting like her gay friend. But she will feel uncomfortable if I express anything sexual. so I better leave now. Maybe I make the girl feel good, that a guy like me wants to talk to her. This gives her self-esteem a good boost. ANd yes i like to make people happy.

Hope this helps mate!

The girl is probably thinking "Why hasn't this guy made a move on me yet, is he gay? Is he a wuss? Jeez doesn't he realise it's a mans job to escalate not a woman's".

Thanks a lot guys. very enlightening.

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I have not failed 10,000 times. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Edison

Here is a more brain dead tip, not as good as the above, but easier to remember: Stop thinking and just assume positive outcome. Assume that she likes you and escalate no matter what. If the reaction is negative, bad luck, just move on to the next one.