So, a question for you to think about: “Why do most guys fail with women?”
My top 5 Reasons – the 5 Sins of Seduction
1. Not taking action
- An excuse is a justification for INaction. When you use an excuse like “she looks busy / bitchy” or “I’m late / tired,” what you’re really doing is you’ve already decided you don’t want to, and you’re justifying your lack of action with some logical bullshit you made up to make yourself feel better.
- A reason is a justification for ACTION. You’ve decided you need to do something, and you’re providing a logical motivation for doing so.
- So, next time you start generating excuses, simply turn them upside down into reasons, and then you’ve just convinced yourself to act. For example:
“She looks busy” → “I wonder what she’s so busy with. I’ll go find out!”
“She looks bitchy” → “Is she having a bad day or just putting on her bitchy face?”
“I’m tired” → “I wonder if a low-energy approach works? Let’s see!”
- The underlying issue for most guys who are not taking action a fear of negative judgement, which is nothing more than their own ego getting in the way.
The ego is a self-perpetuating mechanism concerned with how you are perceived by others.
When we are children, we have no ego, and thus freely interact with others, say whatever is on our minds (and are blissfully unaware of the fact that an entire boeing 747 wants us to suffocate because we’ve been crying non-stop an 8 hour overnight transatlantic flight.)
As we grow older, we become more sensitive to the opinions of others, and go to great lengths to cultivate an image of ourselves that causes others to respect, praise, trust and defer to us.
What happens when the big, important CEO in his expensive pinstripe suit slips over on the pavement? He looks around with a face of embarrassment. What is he doing? He’s checking to see if anyone saw him. Because in that moment, people are instantly aware of the gap between the public perception of who he’d like to be (graceful, elegant, confident, deft), and the core of who he really is (scared, clumsy, emotionally weak).
- So, if we want to rid ourselves of this fear of judgement, we must destroy our ego. By crushing that overly-critical, negative thought-engine that values others opinions of us over our own happiness, we reach acceptance of our inner core – who we really are – and all our faults, failings and weaknesses that come with that.
- The solution is to develop indifference. Marcus XXXXX describes that confidence is not a teachable skill, but something that develops over time with experience. Before we can actually develop confidence, we must first become indifferent to the outcome. As he pus it “either it’ll go really well, or it’ll be a funny story.”
- An analogy: When you buy a new video game, do you read the entire instruction manual to learn all the buttons before you dare play the game, in case you press the wrong button by mistake? Probably not. You probably go ahead and whack the game on, fiddle with the buttons, make all kinds of mistakes, die 10 times in a row, and then eventually through trial and error figure out all the buttons in about 5 minutes when reading the whole manual would have taken 20.
The reason you’re able to learn so much more quickly through trial and error when it's a video game, is that you’re completely indifferent to any particular outcome. Because it’s just a game, the downside of losing a life or having to start a level over is nothing. But here’s the thing – when you are approaching women, there is equally no actual downside if she isn’t interested in you. You’re reading the game manual as if you could actually DIE if you screw up. The only thing that runs the risk of death is your EGO which is, if anything, a good thing!
– This is why the exercises Sasha developed on our courses are so effective. They are designed specifically with the goal of forcing you to experience situations where you get judged negatively by others, and you have fun with your newfound ability to create and harness social tension for your own amusement. Sort of like the equivalent of doing a fart in a lift – you can enjoy it, and you can also enjoy making other people squirm without them being able to do anything about it!
- Bottom line: if you are not taking action and making excuses to not approach, then you need to force yourself to confront awkward situations head on, until you realise that the negative judgements of others have no actual effect on you, and in fact making other people uncomfortable can be incredibly amusing and liberating.
2. Not Persisting
- The underlying reason behind guys not persisting is usually the feeling of being comfortable at whatever stage they’re in. If you’re ok at opening, then it’s often the mistake of chatting for 20-30 minutes about nothing in particular until one of you walks away without a number or a kiss.
- You’ve finally crossed that AA barrier, actually done the approach, and now you’re talking to a hot girl and she’s laughing at your jokes and smiling and you go “holy shit, this is amazing, I want to be here forever, I don’t wanna risk screwing this up!” This was me for years during my indirect days. As long as I was continuing the interaction, I thought I was doing better, when in fact all I was really doing was delaying the point at which a rejection could occur, not making it any less likely.
- The other reason guys don’t persist is they assume the most negative interpretation of a girls actions / words. They take her not stopping as a “rejection,” when it could be nothing more than her not hearing their opener, or being on their way to meet someone, or thinking they were handing out flyers. Similarly, they take any lack of compliance or the first “no” to mean a total rejection, when if she’s still standing there, or still sitting there on a date, or lying on your bed, it probably means “not yet,” and nothing more. My current girlfriend said “I’m not sleeping with you” five times before we eventually did that night. All I did was say “ok” and carried on!
- Analogy: Imagine you’ve scoured the internet for a really specific part for your computer and found the one shop that sells it. You drive 60 miles to the shop, get to the door and look in. The lights are on, but the shop is completely empty. Would you just assume it’s closed and walk away? Or would you at least try the door? Every time you don’t just persist that little bit further with a girl who’s giving you a bit of resistance, that’s what you’re doing. Just try the door. However horrible you think an approach went, always get in the habit of at least persisting and trying to get her number.
- Solution: go get rejected intentionally! Go out of your way to say the most God-awful chat up line, escalate absurdly fast, be over-the-top sexual, and push things way further than you think is acceptable. See for yourself how negative the reactions really are, and then calibrate backwards / tone it down if necessary. What you’ll find is you can get away with a LOT more than you probably thought. And any rejections you do get will be funny, and make you realise, once again, that they don’t actually affect you.
3. Being too serious / not having fun
- If you’re being really serious and not having fun in a social situation, it’s likely you’re self-censoring. This comes down, once again, to being afraid of negative judgements from others
- You don’t have to do everything perfectly or be James Bond: Only 1-2 things out of every 5 “hit,” and they’re more likely to “hit” if they’re coming from a place of genuine enthusiasm.
- Your conversation doesn’t have to be logical / make sense for her to like you. Focus on emotion and abandon logic! Don't be the German guy who asks “where are you from / what do you do” type questions and then asks follow-up questions about specific details that aren’t important. It doesn’t matter what city in Sweden specifically, or how many years of uni she has left, or what shop she got the shoes from. But it does matter how it felt to come to a big city after growing up in a rural town, and if she’s studying something she’s really passionate about, and if she bought those shoes because she likes to feel sexy.
- Solution: put yourself in environments that you actually enjoy being in, and connect with the people around you based on the emotions they’re feeling, not on the specific details of what they’ve been up to or what their job is.
4. Being Ashamed of Your Sexuality
- Women love sex! Their clitoris is the only human organ designed exclusively for sexual pleasure, and has 3x the nerve endings that your entire penis does. As far back as the ancient Greeks, it was estimated that women get 9 times the pleasure a man does from sex.
- 15% of a club is women looking to have sex that night. If you do MM qualification on them (do you cook etc) they will assume you want a girlfriend!
- Women will mould themselves towards you and what they think you want: If you act like you want a “good girl,” that’s what you’ll get!
- Solution: By being open and non-judgemental about sexuality you can liberate a woman and allow her to be the dirty slut she wants to be (but feels pressure from society to repress), as well as getting the casual sex you want.
5. Being Indirect (Lying)
- Sasha “You are either becoming more yourself, someone else.”
- You can never be as good at being someone else as they are, AND you are the best at doing yourself than anyone can ever be!
- Being indirect is hiding your intent. You would only hide your intent if you thought it was bad in some way, but once you are comfortable with your sexuality, and you know women like sex, what reason would there be to hide it?
- If a woman would ever be interested, then there is nothing more powerful than being bold and confident enough to tell her exactly how you feel in that moment
I’ve never had a woman say “I was interested initially, but then you told me you were interested and that’s what turned me off.” However, I HAVE had a woman say “I really liked you (she rated me 9/10) but I wish you’d told me you liked me initially instead of inventing an excuse.”
- If a woman would never sleep with you, then being clear about your intentions initially is the QUICKEST way to get a “no” so you can move on.
- Solution: however you choose to open, make it clear in some way that you are interested in her sexually within the first 3 minutes max.
Wrapping up, hopefully there’s some useful, actionable advice in here you can go out and use, together with the mindsets and bigger picture stuff that should help you develop the specific techniques you need for different situations.
CHAT
