Hey MPUA,

Im new here and in desperate need of some advice. This is going to be a long story and in advance I thank you for taking the time to hear me out.

In November I met a girl who I shared all my classes with, we have one year left together. We hit it off pretty good. Shes a bit of a timid girl and never had a boyfriend let alone kissed anyone or anything. So after a month or so of talking to her I decided to ask her out. I originally had no interest but found out that we had a lot in common and we both grew to like each other. However due to school it was hard to find any time to really do much so we only hung out in class and then talked all night via text etc. Im not usually one to get attached but in this case I have hard.

Fast forward to February. We had been talking for a long time and we both knew and expressed how we felt about each other. So we started to make some time for each other. We'd get together and things would be intimate but she would never K-close. Eventually I got frustrated and asked her what the problem was. This resulted in a fight about how she's too scared to be in a relationship and that she wants to be friends. I said fine and begin moving on. However she would still talk to me constantly and express her feelings for me. So after awhile I agreed to give it another shot. Her idea. This was established over a few talks we had that she now dreads. Even saying we need to talk makes her dread it thinking back to those ones. But we decided that we would move forward. At this time she revealed to me that she has sever intimacy issues but was unwilling to give me the reason.

Anyways things seemed to be going well until we broke from school for summer. She stopped talking and we barely saw each other. Shes come out 3 times in the past month and a half and has been distant both times. But every so often she'll send me some sappy ass message that completely confuses the hell out of me. This is where things get messed up. I talk to her one day and tell her its over. All we do is bicker because she disrespects me and acts distant. Needless to say she goes into full recovery mode and tells me how shes going to stop being dumb and actually make this work. Im an idiot and believed her. Anyways fast forward to this week. I go out for a walk with her and shes completely disrespectful, distant and a complete drag. So I take her home. She said a few hurtful things and I had had enough. Usually I was very cool and collected when we talked about anything about us. By this time she has explained her issues and asked me to help her get over them. I lost it this time though.

I finally got emotionally involved in the conversation and told her everything she had been doing and how it made me feel. She realized what she had done wrong finally and was determined to fix it. So after a lengthy heated conversation about how shes being so shitty we parted ways. She was very affectionate though before I left. I received many messages that night about how bad she feels about being distant and how she wants to make it up to me and how her fear is crippling her.

I once again said okay to giving her a shot. Not more than two days later she's being even more distant before and is now lying to me. She's telling me how she now has no time at all and to stop asking her to come out, she wants to tell me when she's free and that she will make the plans. Heres the thing. She does nothing, she's always free. She tells me this then lies to me.

I know this girl is toxic and for some reason I cant get her off my mind and i have no idea how to. Ive thrown away sure things with 5 chicks over this debacle and yet, here I am. WHen she's not being a tool we have a lot of fun together and If I could get things back on track I would be happy. But I seriously need some help here. Im not usually one for asking but desperate times call for desperate measures. What I need to know is why she keeps telling me she wants this then acts like a bitch and I need to know if this is even remotely fixable. I know she has some issues and Im sure they are the cause. If this isn't fixable I need a way to get over this girl even though starting september I will see here 40 hours a week.

Im a pretty patient and down to earth guy, but this is really messing with my brain.

That was quite the essay!

Thanks again for reading that. You guys are the best! Any help is greatly appreciated.

shes a whacko and your too much invested in her. tag along as a friend and date another chik

She's very insecure that's for sure. Your best bet is to tell her that she's just a friend and nothing more and for her not to get the wrong idea about you. The second you do this she will chase you for validation and when she does, draw a line in the sand and tell her she's on probation and any shit from her then she's dumped.

But before you do this ask yourself the question: Do you really want this girl when there are so many other great girls out there with awesome personalities?

Thank you for the quick reply! Honestly as it stands right now we are seeing each other or something. I dont even know haha. I know she's very insecure and has low self esteem but Im not quite sure how demoting her to a friend would change anything. Care to elaborate good sir? She seems to see having feelings for me as a burden.

Her psychology is dysfunctional due to things which have occurred in her past. She's looking for the unconditional love she was denied when she was a little girl. Basically she wants to know that whatever shit she throws at you, you will take it as it boosts her self esteem and mediates her insecurity. When she knows she has you then you will be cast aside and the cycle begins anew with a new guy.

By friendzoning her it flips the frame upside down and implies she can never have you, now she's firefighting to recover validation instead of proactively seeking validation, humans are more predisposed to avoiding loss over accruing gain for evolutionary psychology reasons.

Remember she's not your problem and if she wants you it's on your terms.

She's told me a few times that others in the past gave up on her and that was one of the reasons she has a hard time getting comfortable and close with people. It's one of the sources of her anxieties. With that being said wouldn't this plan of action ultimately fail and have her move to the mountains with ten cats? I'll be honest. I'm invested enough that if that failed and she tried to be just friends I'd have to cut out. I don't want her as a friend, that's for sure.

This scenario reminds me of situation I once had with a girl. I followed a lot of the advice the guys here have suggested, in that I refused her validation which drove her to chase me to regain validation. You could also do this, however, one thing I’d like to reiterate is what Melodical and hunchbak1982 said is, “do you want her chasing you? I found that in my case I enjoyed being chased because her doing so validated my ego, however it did play with my emotions and it will most likely play with yours. Even though I didn’t like her all that much to begin with, having her show me attention and say “I really like you” lead me to like her back. The girl in my situation was also quite volatile and meant that I ended up having to do “maintenance work” when she decided to get upset or insecure which was a huge drain on my time.

In sum, take a few days away from her to get your head clear then decide “Is she worth all the trouble?”

Thats a pretty good idea. I'm definetlu planning on taking some time off to figure out what I want. I am very new to the pua community(hope to be able to help others one day!) so I'm not exactly sure how this validation refusal works. Like how exactly do I so that. She's gotten into the habit now of not initiating conversation(she used to constantly, even once tellin me I never do). So yea haha. How does one go about refusing calidation in this scenario. Do I need to friendzone her first for that to work? As for the emotional play I'm pretty thick skinned and she's already played them pretty damn hard haha.

Thanks a bunch

This female is bad for you. Move on son... move on.

She's pulling you in because of her inaccessiblity. We all instinctively want what we feel is just beyond reach. She giving you only as much as it requires to keep you strung up on the line pursuing her, but nothing more.

I think its best in this situation to keep the focus on you and how you feel to help process through these emotions you're experiencing. its imperative you not beat up on yourself but recognize the situation for what it is - you've got emotionally entangled with a young lady who clearly has experienced some sort of trama(s) in her past. Look, nobody goes through life unscathed from its effects. Its commendable that you want to help her out, but to some extent it also sounds as though your ego is involved/overly invested in this trying to make a seemingly untenable situation work. Sometimes the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is simply to let go. I think whatever she's going through is beyond the scope of conventional help and would likely require some professional counselling, this isn't your task and even if you made an attempt you'd be both drained and discover that there'd be a power imbalance in the relationship itself.

In retrospect her behavior makes a lot of sense (if you dial down the volume on WHAT she says and focus more on her behaviors). She clearly has intimacy issues which stems from her history - it is not for you to resolve. The boundaries of the relationship are wonky because of this; you want something more right now, to which she's unwilling, for whatever reason, to give. She's wounded and there's no sense in being angry with her. You can meet her where she's at as a friend, provided YOU delineate some strong and healthy boundaries which both you and her need (this will probablby be the healthiest thing you can in fact do for her, AND yourself as she probably does not have a clear notion as to what healthy buonardies look like - in this sense you can be a model of sorts to her). This is also where you'll reclaim some control of things (not in an egoic sense but moreso for the wellbeing of the relationship). What's happening is when she has you at a comfortable proximity she acts somewhat 'normal' - so texting may be comfortable for her but as soon as you two hangout things get weird awfully quick, or even right from the getgo of meeting each other. As soon as you threaten the dissolution of the attachment, she freaks-out and literally begs or pleads with you and is willing to say whatever and anything she can (think grasping at straws) out of desperation to get you to stay. This qwells her anxieties, but its more like a bandaid for her attachment fear rather than making any real progress. As such the calmness of things settles only momentarily, lasting days or even weeks only to erupt again (typically when she's feeling you're getitng to emotionally close to her and her fear is triggered again). Remember, attachment fears can be triggered for some people when you get too close to them as they begin to feel vulnerable at that point.

Clearly if you are to have her in your life at this point it can only be as friends, you can offer her this in a kind way, in a safe which won't trigger her attachment fear. You can provide her safetly in being reliable with her and consistent (non reactive, though responsive) to her feeling states. Remember too, feeling states, much like thoughts are transient so when she becomes very reactive be mindful that its a personal statement about where she's at right now in her life, NOT you so don't persnoalize it just ride it through and ensure her that you're there for her when she calms from her reactive state.

Honestly Thank you so much. You have really put into perspective whats been annihilating my mind. Ive known for awhile now that this wont work at the time and I think your right. I should keep her as a friend since abandonment will kill her. That being said I know its going to be hard for me, especially since I want to be with her but you are right. I'm not quite sure how I will be able to move on easily while still in contact so frequently but how hard can it be right? haha.

Also what are some good healthy boundaries to put in place. I mean clearly Im going to see other gals but should I tell her if and when she's ready and if Im not committed we can try?

One more thing, since your saying she feels secure over text should I do this over text or try for a face to face to break the news to her. I know after the past face to face shell try anything to get out of it or push it as far back as possible. Any suggestions on how to quell her feeling state temporarily to get her to agree to a walk?

Again thank you so much n2thevoid,