Ok here's the scenario, It's not short:

I am in a relationship with a girl for a few months now and everything has been going great.

The other day we were talking and it came up in conversation about her hanging out with another guy or me hanging out with another girl, just 1 on 1. I said that I would be uncomfortable with both scenarios.

We have each others facebook credentials to help when playing games on there. So the next day I accidentally clicked into a mail message when I was logged in to her account and I saw that she had arranged to meet up with an old friend on her lunch break who is a guy. The guy initiated the conversation with her and he asked her about me, if she was still with me, she said yes with a smiley face , then he just steered away from that and said he was going to pop in to her shop during the week since he hasn't seen her in a long time. This is the first time anything like this has happened (meeting with a guy.)

So I waited for a few hours to give her the opportunity to tell me about this, which she didn't. So I had a chat with her over facebook and I asked if she had anything to tell me, she replied no. I then asked her did she remember the conversation we had about me not being comfortable about a gf meeting up with a guy friend.

She said yes she remembers. Then I asked her does she want to tell me anything (again.) She still said "No, why?"

I asked her if it would be uncomfortable if I was to meet up with a girl for lunch, just the 2 of us. She said it would depend on who it is.

I then said "I have lots of girl mates who ask me to go out to them from time to time but I say no to all of them, i make up an excuse, and the reason is because I wouldn't feel comfortable going out to girls on my own because I'm with you."

She then said "I appreciate that but what are you going on about?"





I then wrote this: "i was on your facebook earlier for a laugh cos i was bored
and the day after me saying it to you about me being uncomfortable with you hanging out with another bloke just the 2 of you, you go and ask a bloke to do that?? I wasn't even looking through your messages i clicked it by accident and seen that and the fact you didn't admit it, you didn't say anything to me..that's a lack of honesty and respect..and that in turn damages our relationship
because thats what real relationships are based on"

Shen then admits "Who ? He said he was gonna come into me in work I said he might as well on my lunch break, and I haven't been talking to you proporly to tell you"

** Note when she was talking to this guy on facebook she was talking to me over facebook also at the very same time.


So I said: "I mean how can i trust you if you didn't tell me, you didn't ask me, you didn't tell me when i asked you just now..twice."

She replied " I didn't know what you were talking about when you were asking me"

I reply: "you've just been dishonest with me and that's something i take very seriously"

She replies: "what do you think i'm going to do?"

I reply: "Hang on the fuck, I'm only going to say this once right"

She replies: "It would be the same as him coming into work to talk to me but I can't talk in work so I said to him to come in on my break"

I replied: "I just asked you do you remember me saying that last night you said yes you do remember. Then I just asked you do you have anything to tell me then.
You said no. How can you not know what I was talking about. You just lied to me
Admit it
because the sooner you do the better this will be for us"

She replied "It wasn't on the top of my mind"

I say "I'm not accepting that."

She replied "I didn't lie, when I realised what you were on about I said it, how is that lying?"

** Note she only realised what I was on about because eventually I told her I knew about the arrangement she had made.


I say to her: " are you having a fucking laugh
don't make this worse"

She said "No im not im bein serious and i dont appreciate you calling me a liar."

I reply: "You better appreciate it.
If you can't admit it to me now then I have some serious thinking to do
I take truth and honesty very seriously
and if you lie to me
like you just did
3 times
twice on here on chat
and once by not telling me about it in the first place or asking me
then I have some serious thinking to do"


She replied: "Yeah so do I (take honesty seriously) but I haven't lied!! And what do you mean serious thinking?"

I reply: "I'm not discussing wether you did or not with you anymore. And I don't know what I mean by serious thinking..thats why I have to think.
You arranged to meet up with a guy on your lunch break AFTER i said it last night that id be uncomfortable with it.
not only that though
you lied by not mentioning it to me...by you not saying anything...thats lying
then when i asked you, you STILL didn't mention it to me
and then I asked again and yet again you didn't say it to me
I don't care who he is he could be a fucking priest but at the end of the day you're going behind my back."


She says " It's not lying I hadn't been talking to you and you didn't ask me, all you asked me was if there was something i had to tell you, and that just wasn't something that came to my mind, and how am i going behind your back?"


I said: " I was talking to you at the same time he was talking to you
and hang on
i said do you remember me saying that last night you said yes, then I asked again, is there anything you have to tell me
you said no
thats going behind my back
..
stop trying to justify yourself when you know you're in the wrong"


She said: " Yeah and again I didn't have a clue what you were going on about, and yeah I remembered you saying that the other night when you just said it to me there, I was drunk when we had that conversation the other night (in the pub, about meeting up with friends of the same sex when its just 1 on 1)"

I replied: "if you are going to keep arguing and justifying yourself i'm done talking to you.
you're showing me a complete lack of respect in every way possible
do you have anything to say before i get off this?"

She says: " Yeah im sorry i didnt mention it to you earlier but I didn't think it was going to be this big of a deal, I forgot about that conversation we had (in the pub) til you said it to me just there, I know how strong you feel about it now."


Me: "Im not accepting that apology"

Her: "Why?"

Me: "think about it
and you forgot about it? (the convo in the pub) you're just making this worse and worse for yourself
i'm gettin off this need to think.
I'm not talking to you for now"

Her: "Why?"

Me: "because you've just treated me like a fucking tool
and disrespected our relationship
which was going very fucking good"

Her: "No I haven't I wouldn't do that!"

Me: "oh but you have
and all your responses just now you made it even worse
when i say just now i mean this whole chat
i will not be in a relationship that's missing the essential ingredients
that's just self-sabotage"

Her: "so what are you sayin?"

Me: "I'm saying what I'm saying."






We then went on to sms messages and I told her I'll give her one opportunity to convince me that I shouldn't walk. She said ok she will think and come back to me.

So the next day I ring her up she says shes thought about it. So I ask if she's still going to meet up with this guy 1 on 1, she said yes. I said well I'm uncomfortable with that but yet you're still going to do that? I then gave her an option to see this guy with others around as I'd be cool with that, I wouldn't even have to be there. She declined this and said it's an old friend from school I know him years etc.

I explained that this is important because of my principals and that she's not budging and either am I that we're going to have to end the relationship. (and it ended there)



So I went off talking to my buddy, had a few drinks, discussed the issue, he agreed with both sides of the story and he gave me some good advice. I texted my then ex-gf and told her I had a solution to this if she was willing to listen. The solution was that she can see this guy (once, we agreed) and that any other time she is going to meet up with a guy friend that we have to discuss it before it happens, and that the same goes for me if I'm meeting up with a girl.

She agreed that she would never go for a drink or anything like that with a guy and this was only a catch up and lunch for 20 minutes in the supermarket (mall.)

And so we got back together on the same day of the break up. This was our first breakup and we've been together half a year.


Now don't get me wrong, I can see that both sides of this scenario are right but the fact that she didn't mention it to me bugs me. The fact she chose meeting up with a friend over our entire relationship. She has told me that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, treat her like a princess and that her past relationships were all abusive. Her reasons for choosing seeing a friend over the relationship, were that she won't be controlled or change for anyone, by change she means stop seeing friends. I never expected her to stop seeing friends I just offered a compromise (which was for her to meet up wto see the guy in a group, or even bring him out when I'm there.)



I know I may have gone a bit overboard with this whole thing but my thinking behind it was, she hasn't been meeting up with guys before like this and if this starts now, where's it going to lead? Maybe she'll go for lunch this day, but a drink the next. I do trust her, I just don't trust guys. I'm 4 years older than her, I'm in my mid 20s. Guys her age these days where I'm from don't have any respect of if a girls in a relationship or not. If she is even better, they'll pursue her to prove a point to themselves. Sad really.

Anyway, how did I handle this and is there anything I could have done differently? Also what is your opinion about her not mentioning it to me about the arrangement, the day after I had said to her that I wouldn't be comfortable with something like that?

In my opinion you fucked that right up!

What I would of done is wait until after they had met. Firstly it gives her a chance to mention it IN PERSON which many people prefair to do. Secondly it would of given you a chance to gauge your gf's honesty by casually asking after "hey, so what did you get up to today? Where'd ya go for lunch?"

If she hides the meeting then you have reason to be worried! If she admitts to it then you have reason to tell her in a calm manor that your very dissapointed especially after the talk you had at the bar.



However I feel that you need to be less controlling! She will feel trapped if your not careful!

My girlfriend can meet guy friends all she likes and I can meet girls! We both have friends before the relationship that we are not going to suddenly drop just because we found each other! That's completely unreasonable!!

Now where I did draw the line with my gf was meeting ex's or somebody that you shared an emotional/physical past with. In fact, I dealt with this recently as she told me that she was going to see an ex for a coffee. I told her that her doing that crossed a big boundary for me. I said that it's not a position I'd put her in out of respect for our relationship. I then said that the decision is hers but I had to voice how I felt. She told me the next day that I was right and she will not meet him.

If I find out that she did then I'll take it from there.

Yeah you're right I should have waited and gauged. It would be really hard for me to do, to wait, because that shit would play on my mind and so much so to the point where I wouldn't be able to sleep. Perhaps an inner game issue there, or perhaps just normal human behaviour.

We've agreed that meeting for drinks or anything like that is not acceptable, she was the first to say that. And we've agreed that we will discuss any sory of meet up with each other before it happens. I guess it's a win for both of us. Now I just have to work on repairing the damage I've done by hurting her by breaking up. She's coming round to mine tonight.

Should I even ask her about this guy, find out if theyre just old school friends or if they ever had emotional/physical connection/relationship? I know nothing about him.

No don't ask about him! It will show that you are confident and that you trust her! Just focus on having fun and try to escalate sexually

Yeah you're right. Cheers!

I still can't believe she chose meeting up with this guy over the relationship though, even when a compromise was offered.

Was she testing to see if I had balls to end it? Is that why she accepted the second compromise because she found that I went through with it [ending the relationship]?

It's not something I wanted to do and it was a last resort, I wouldn't usually do it. I just felt betrayed and wounded.

Why did you make it such a big deal? Quite honestly this seems to be more about you trying to control her than anything else, and I guarantee you she picked up on that. I don't see this as being about another guy, its more about your insecurities and the associated need to tell her what to do - if a woman's going to cheat she's going to cheat regardless. She told you about him, making it less likely anything shady is going on so in a sense you'd betrayed her trust by over reacting and giving her ultimatums masked under the guise of "compromise".

FYI "Serious thinking" is tantamount to "I'm considering breaking up with you" so it's expected for her to fall even more on the defensive at that point. Her increased defensiveness seemed to validate (falsely) your belief that she was being less than honest.

As a guy, I completely understand what she's saying. She's likely wounded from your reaction to her and is now in question of things. If it were me I'd make amends as there's nothing wrong with her choice to see her friend, you just made unreasonable demands she wasn't willing to fulfill because it asked for her to compromise herself and her values. Give your head a shake, son.

Bruv, you broke every rule in the book. Snooping on her facebook, looking through her messages etc., then getting jealous about some dude she doesn't give a shit about. Hey, you might as well install a tracker on her phone so you can keep a daily log of her every move!

You just came off looking really weak and insecure. The fact is she told the guy she was still with you. The fact that the guy asked her in the first place makes him look weak in her eyes anyway (real confident alpha guys NEVER ask if a girl is in a relationship before approaching). But even after this guy pretty much dug his own grave, you still managed to come off looking worse.

You're lucky that this girl even took the effort to explain herself, most girls would've run a mile by now. Grow a pair and get over your insecurity issues and she might start to respect you enough stop flirting with other guys.

In my opinion this relationship is over. The best thing to do is heed the advice of other posters in this thread and learn from your mistakes. Many of the things you said and did have created an SPAM of doubt and insecurity, which are going to erode away the relationship. I am not saying break up with her right this minute, but it is going down that path, so be prepared for it.

Mistakes happen to all of us, especially people in this forum. That is why we are all here right, if we were perfect we wouldn't be here.

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No Fear, No Excuses

well she came over to mine last night, we cuddled, watched a movie, we talked, i told her it wasnt easy breaking up and i hurt both of us, we both explained our view, she then reiterated, without me askin, that she would never go off with someone for a drink, and that this was just lunch for 20 mins. I asked if she was a bit off, she said yeah shes a bit annoyed and that obv shes not gonna be all normal. I told her it wont happen again and asked her if she trusted me that it wont. She said yeah but has a small doubt. I said but that can change right? She said yeah. We watched the movie and had a laugh. I walked her home and when saying goodbye i gave her a pinky promise and my word that it wont happen again, i told her i dont go back on my word and she said if it does happen again she will punch me in the face. We laughed. I told her im gonna make it up to her, kissed her on the forehead and we exchanged goodnight txts after that. My questions now are, how do i get things back to normal and also, will she be seeking revenge? She doesnt appear to be like that. Also i havent been controlling apart from this, she said it b4 that im her best bf shes had and 1 of her reasons was that im not controlling.

and we both told each other we love each other at the end of the night

Mate, what are you doing having each others passwords? I still dont get why people do that ( to play game is a rubbish answer). In my opinion you showed your hand far too early coming across as the jealous, insecure type. Who cares if she has guy friends just let her get on with it. I do agree she should have told you she was going to meet him but now you have stated this as long as she tells you you should not have a problem with her having male friends. You should also not stop seeing your female friends just tell her that you are going to do so.

Im glad things are working out but you need to chill out and enjoy the relationship if she is going to cheat she will cheat nothing you can do about it. Just trust her until she gives you a valid reason not to.

All the bes Bud

Hendo

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Hendo

you're right and thanks for the reply heno

I doubt she's holding a grudge or wanting to seek revenge after you've just levelled with her. When I was in a LTR and had a fall out with my ex, I just did something fun with her that I knew we would both enjoy, don't try and impress her with paying for everything or doing something expensive, just make her have a good time - get her to remember why you 2 got together in the first place.

Do it spontaneous, or organise it properly it doesn't matter, it depends if she likes being in the know (my ex hated not knowing so I had to tell her exactly what we were doing, no surprises). You could even play up to the little episode depending if this in the style of your humour over phone or text "Hey, I was just wondering if it's ok if I meet up with 'your girlfriends name,' we're going to 'insert place' on 'day and time.' Word it how you like, it shows you have a sense of humour and will probably give her a laugh, but most importantly it shows you don't take yourself too seriously.

No problem mate. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, im still making them now LOL. One piece of advice is make sure this subject does not come up again. She will forget but trust me she will be very easily reminded if you tred close to the topic again.

Take care

Hendo

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Hendo