ultimatum and freeze-out.. how bad did I mess up?



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 12:20 am 
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Hi everyone!

Not sure if this is my first post here.. but been reading a while.. figure it's time I start posting too because this is such an amazing resource for guys like me just starting out and trying to improve their success with women.

Ok so a little back story...

My friend went to uni with this girl and about 2 months ago he showed me pics of her and I'm like wow! I would love to meet this girl. He tells me she's recently broken up with her ex but is still living with him, mostly for financial reasons since she doesn't make much and is a full time student.

My friend introduces us on my birthday of all days.. and it so happens her birthday is one day before mine (different year) so we kind of celebrate together.. we cut the cake holding hands kinda thing.. and later we go back to my place with everyone else that was present and have a great time but don't get to talk all that much.

I'm gonna add that throughout this.. my friend is helping me with some inside information as he is also her friend and he is sort of doing the double-agent bit.

I'm gonna fast forward through a bit of the rest because I don't want to write a novel here and I'm good at doing just that sometimes. Over the next 7 weeks, we meet about 6 times one-on-one and have really amazing, deep conversation, sometimes talking for 6 hours at a time. We find out we're very alike in the way we are and think and we really open up on several intimate topics. During most of this time she is still living with her ex and I am advised by all my friends to take it slow and give her ample space and time and I do this.. knowing that the date when her ex-bf is moving out is coming up.

He finally moves out a little more than a week ago and I can sense she's in emotional turmoil over this.. I start to get the sense this wasn't as nearly over as I thought it was and she's still into him. They went out for ~5 years and lived together for ~4 years. Things went south about 9 months ago but they still lived together and it was on-and-off, having sex whenever either of them wanted it and fighting a lot. I see her again last Friday and we have another great date although we're not alone on this one. We do a lot more kino than usual but I still don't kiss her.. partly because I just lack the courage and partly because I know she's still way confused.. and she's actually texting her ex during a lot of the evening.

The next day we're supposed to go out again but she ends up texting me that she's at this party that her friend invited her too and since her ex is also long-time friends with her other friend well he's there too so I shouldn't come so as to not cause a scene.

At this point I'm like.. ok.. I understand she's still confused about what/who she wants and she needs more time. I don't blame her for still seeing her ex it's only been a week since he moved out and it's not like we've kissed and she owes me more respect. All my friends are telling me ditch her.. give her time.. she's not worth the potential pain. I wanna listen but I *really* like this one.. her personality.. she's a fit.. she's not perfect but I can really see her as long-term partner material.

Two nights ago.. we're chatting on FB and I decide to confront her (I did it via chat, first mistake.. I feel stupid for this but it's done). I simply ask "why would your good friend invite you to a party knowing your ex was gonna be there, they're supposed to help you move on.. like wtf?" kinda thing but I say it very politely. So she explains the bit about her friend and her ex being long-term friends that knew eachother before she even met him.

So I ask her.. "are you planning" on staying friends with your ex? Or trying to... and she's very honest and open and answers.. she doesn't really know what will happen but either they will be fuck friends and try to patch things up or they will be fuck friends and eventually seperate for good. Also.. she wants to try to cope with singlehood because she's like never been single before and she's having a very hard time coping with that and wants to rise to the challenge.

At this point I basically decide to be my super-honest usual self and make it clear that A) I really enjoy her company, B) I like her and am not interested in being just friends with her, C) She's clearly not emotionally available to be dating me right now and D) I think we should take a time-out of a few weeks to let her decide what she wants.

I don't say it matter-of-factly or all at once though and while we're going back and forth she repeats as she has before that she really enjoys spending time with me and we get along so well and she's sorry for not clearly explaining her situation.

In the end she says she understands.. and it's lame because we get along so well.. and if we do see each other again then she's buying next time (caz the last date I paid for but we have both paid our shares overall).

So basically, I understand I've put her on "freeze-out" now? I am half regretting my move but hell what do I know I'm very beginner at this and haven't had much success in my life.. she's probably the coolest girl I ever met and I just don't know if I blew it now and if I should have instead continued to try and rub off on her while accepting that she's still seeing her ex. I figure I did the right thing.. everyone I tell seems to think so.. but at the same time I may have jumped the gun.. like we should have maybe kissed before I gave her this ultimatum. I read on these forums that you should only ever go for this tactic if the girl is really into you.. and I'm just not sure if she is.. I think she kinda is but she's so confused and caught up in her breakup that well.. I just don't know.

So the plan now is to let her make the next move and not cave in to contacting her. Or is it ?

P.S. She's been with a lot of jocks.. people that have ended up treating her bad.. in relationships where she's felt she's given too much and not gotten enough in return. I'm VERY "nice guy".. too much so I'm well aware of that and trying hard to work on this. Still, she's at a turning point in her life where most girls start to consider the "nice guys" a lot more (she's 27). I'm attractive, succesful, very generous, honest to a fault, passionate and caring... blabla. I know actions speak louder than words and it's not like I told her this stuff about me, I have put on a very good impression. I'm basically her dream guy except that I'm shy, I lack assertiveness and I'm too passive. So.. not quite her dream guy but.. I know she sees the potential... is it enough to make this plan work though? I have no idea...

If you've read this far.. well thank you very much! Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

Btw, I will not be offended at all if you make comments about my general attitude.. I am here to learn and I know that I am doing things way wrong sometimes.

vesper14


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 1:07 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:39 am
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ok so been reading for the last hour...

I would like to be the first one to admit that. yes! I'm an AFC!

And yes.. this is probably a classic case of oneitis!

That being said... and I agree that this is probably only further proving that this is oneitis... I REALLY like this one! It's like we can read each other's thoughts! Plus she's gorgeous! She's a bit broken.. and I want to fix her!

That said.. I have no issue with diverting my attention from her and working on my game and realizing my potential and slowly learning myself out of this AFC pattern.. and become a RAFC.. I would LOVE to do that! And who knows I may just well meet someone even nicer than her in the process. I just don't want to forget about her though.. she feels special to me.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:54 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:28 pm
Posts: 574
Seriously man the fuck up and fuck her silly.

Meet up with her, and lay her.

Plow through her resistance if she offers any.

How can you think she's the "one" if you haven't even had sex yet?


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:02 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:08 am
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