This girl I know and I hadn't been speaking for a while because I was interested in her and she just wanted to be friends.

So rather than not speaking i decided i'd rather have her as a friend than not so emailed her. The following email exchange took place with the subject heading of BIRDS:

me: so, er, did you ever get round to watching this?
her: I completely forgot all about it. sorry. did you want it back?
me: not particularly. i just thought it a good way to break the ice. we havent spoken to each other properly for some time.
her: probably best not by email.
me: would you prefer i shouted across the room?
her: lol. well, no.
me: i would suggest we have a face to conversation but i wouldnt want to make you feel uncomfortable (an allusion to a previous request to meet to which she responded 'she didnt feel comfortable about it').
her: maybe when the opportunity comes up.
me: hmm. not that many opportunities come up. we could meet after work.
her: you can join me and **** for lunch tomorrow.
me: how am i supposed to jump you with your bodyguard around?
her: lol. you are funny.
me: if i promise to keep my hands to myself and not molest you in any way how about we go to lunch without the chaperone?
her: i always go to lunch with ****. i don't want to ditch her.
me: ok fine. My emotional osar winning speech will have to wait until another time.
her: are you going to be joining us then? i'm sure **** would appreciate your speech.
me: sure. why not.
her: also. are you passing house of fraser on your way home?
me: what??? why?
her: i'm supposed to pick up ****'s present but i'm not feeling it. don't worry if you can't.
me: i agreed to be your friend not your slave. the cheek.
me: hey, have to cancel lunch tomorrow. i forgot, there's something i've got to do.
her: lol. ok.

The next day she was rather frosty with me and we haven't really spoken since. why is she acting so odd?

Honestly,

she's not into you and I feel like you both are taking the shit out of each other. Listen Rufas, act through your own intentions. Stop worrying about a woman's coldness. I've dealt with many women that text plain to my face and what not. Next time you see her, hug her, do whatever you fucking want, don't look to her to tell you how to act. The moment you do, you lose the game.

i dont mind that she's not into me so much. what i can't stand is this awful tension in the office. i wish things would just go back to the way they were.

really. i can't stand it. i've tried clearing the air with her before though and it always ends up awkward again for some reason. i guess i shouldnt have emailed her. i suppose things are only as awkward as i make them. its not like i'm ignoring her. when we do pass each other we say hi, even if it is awfully awkward.

Anyway, she's had my Birds DVD since december. the last time i asked her why she was taking so long to watch it she said 'i've got no-one to watch it with!!!' even when she had a bfriend at the time. should i ask for it back?

this seems like somewhat needy frame work, you are not leading, she is setting the framework down and you are reacting, start trying to just speak your mind more clearly and don't be afraid to walk away, check her behavior and act accordingly, don't react to her, check her at the door if she is being bad, and let her react to you, you have to stop sucking up and supplicating to her, you can hit on her, just you have to set the frame work so it isn't comming from a needy place, this seems like begging more then flirting, why push a meetup so hard when she isn't interested?, get the interest first instead of not paying attention to how she is feeling and plow plow plow, there needs to be a push and pull, you can't just pull pull pull, and expect a pull back, you will be pushed away, watch her behavior (not particularily what she is saying, but why she is saying it, what she is doing, and why she is doing it), always be willing to walk away to be able to come back another day, rather then eagerly needing something to happen

GOOD LUCK

hey bud, to be honest the girl doesn't seem into you at all. I know you are looking for friendship only now, but this will never work as your deep emotions to her are different. From what you said, the girl seems that she is setting the field and you are following. Instead you create the framework and let her join. Let her react to what you have to say instead of reacting to what she says.. And btw, if the situation is awkward it will only get more awkward if you try to make it normal. If the situation is awkward try to make it even more awkward to release that feeling of awkwardness. Can't go into details about last point as I don't know how to explain it, but after trying it for so long I came to that conclusion.
KimPa

_________________
In this world, you don't get what you deserve but what you fight for!

1) How do i create interest? I had it before but i blew it.
2) How do i push?
3) i've walked away hence we havent spoken since but i'm finding it difficult. the tension at work is almost unbearable.
4) i want to be in control but am finding it difficult. bear in mind my father was totally spineless and not a man. he never made decisions and always left it up to my mother to take control. a real wimp. the only time he showed any strength was when he took the belt to his children.

do you mean i should contact her again in order to get a reaction from her? what should i say? should i tell her i want to sleep with her or something?

No don't contact her again. I can't see in future in this based on what you said. Best is to next and find other people to meet and have fun with.

_________________
In this world, you don't get what you deserve but what you fight for!

ok. cool. i'll knock it on the head. sa far as work goes i'll try and make it as awkward as possible if i can.

i'm going to go out now. go for a walk i hyde park. i'm going to become a man if it kills me.

lol i was at hyde park yesterday.. I knew you were from london when you said house of fraser. Alright see you later bud

_________________
In this world, you don't get what you deserve but what you fight for!

1) you don't necessarily ''create'' the interest, it should just be there (even if it doesn't seem like it, you just have be confident in yourself that it is there), you can destroy interest however in several ways,

-being incongruent (reacting, rather then leading, essentially you are doing something outside from being yourself in the hopes for approval/reactions)

-being needy, this is the framework for why you are being incongruent

it is really hard to save a broken situations, the best move is usually breaking contact and letting time soften a negative impression to come back and try to make a new and improved impression where you do better next time, showing yourself in a new light

2)pull her in, or push her away, ^ doing the above and being able to walk away for a bit = a push, instead of trying to quell tension in your honesty with supplication, leave it at the route of blunt and pure honesty

instead of trying to mask your intent to make it more comfortable for her, be pure and open with your intentions, when you are doing this everything you do will be congruent, the incongruence you are showing is totally transparent, you were not interested in just simply meeting her at all, but you were pushing for a meet because you wanted something else, and it became more and more apparent the longer the discussion went on

so here is your convo, let me do my best to show you your intent that you are projecting, what is in bold is not nessicarily what you should say, but it is the intentions you are projecting through your frame, you are comming off incongruent, your intentions are not lining up with what is being said and your frame is transparent, you are doing alot of the same thing in a different way in an attempt to obtain a different result, since it is all pull pull pull, it comes off as needy, express yourself more directly, get to the point of what your intentions are, be sure of yourself and keep a strong frame, take control of yourself, there are more clear ways to express yourself, take note of how the way you are communicating is not necessarily in alignment with your frame, this is what it is to be incongruent and reactive, she is leading with her frame, and you are reacting to her and investing, it should be the other way around, it's not about what she wants, she is not the leader, it is about what you want, take responsibility and be sure of your decisions

me: i would suggest we have a face to conversation but i wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable (an allusion to a previous request to meet to which she responded 'she didnt feel comfortable about it').
(I want to see you, I want to know when you are free)*pull*
her: maybe when the opportunity comes up.
(non-compliance)*push*
me: hmm. not that many opportunities come up. we could meet after work.
(I want to see you *already noted previously*)*pull*
her: you can join me and **** for lunch tomorrow.
(folds)*half assed non compliant pull*
me: how am i supposed to jump you with your bodyguard around?
(I don't like that idea, I want to be alone with you)
her: lol. you are funny.
(non compliance)*push*
me: if i promise to keep my hands to myself and not molest you in any way how about we go to lunch without the chaperone?
(I want to be close to you)*pull*
her: i always go to lunch with ****. i don't want to ditch her.
(non compliance)*push*
me: ok fine. My emotional osar winning speech will have to wait until another time.
(I want to be alone with you)*pull*(also take note that this is where you become emotionally reactive on top of reacting in general to her, the whole convo so far has been incongruent and under her frame control, but this is the key point where she got to you and for the rest of the convo you were butthurt and even more incongruent)

3) this is your problem, neediness, you have to be able to de-tach, you are investing yourself too much into the people you are interacting with, you pull at them emotionally and try to get something from them and they are non compliant, so you invest more of your energy and emotions into them and pull some more hoping to see a different result, the more you invest the more important the campaign to get something becomes for you, leading into a negative cycle that ultimately leads to turning the person you are interacting with off, once you turn a person off, the impression is made, it is hard to un-do a shitty impression, you have to just either find some strength and happiness from within and come to some realizations and fix up the frame you are viewing life through, or improve the outside life so what you see helps change your perception (in other words get more of an abundance of things to keep you busy so you never need anything from any particular person)

4) if you are not used to being pro-active it can take work at first, practice leading conversations, be the person making things happen, add new topics, make statements, talk about you preference around things rather then, talking directly about yourself in an attempt to qualify for someone, you are already good enough, you don't need to change what a person thinks of you or make them comfortable/un-comfortable, you just have to accept that they like you for who you are but they have emotions and their mood will not always be up in the clouds, or down in the gutter, don't react to them, don't try to act in a way for them to approve of you, just be you and when you are liking what you see from them, give them your approval, and when they don't deserve your approval make fun of them and show your disapproval but be considerate of their emotions, don't be trying to punish for a reaction, it is just speaking your mind in a blunt honest way

expressing yourself should be meeting your parameters for a desired outcome, reaching some sort of achievement or accomplishment that validates your ego should not be meeting your outcome, as long as it is and you are oriented around this, it will be tough for you to just stay in the present moment and forget about what is to come, being focused on future events and reaching an outcome will impede your ability to directly express your intentions from moment to moment, you have to start taking responsibility for everything, everything is your fault, no one else is responsible, you are you, the past is not something you should dwell on as it has already happened, and the future is not something you should worry about because it does not exist, all the exists is right now, you make your own decisions from moment to moment, no one is responsible for them but yourself, be absolutely sure of those decisions and express them directly, show your intent, and never be sorry for who you are and what you want

at the current, you are masking your intent with an array of chocolate sprinkles and rainbows trying to supplicate to this girl in a needy fashion for her approval so you can get what you want, instead of just being straight up and going for what you want, you are being passive aggressive and beating around the bush, and when she is being non compliant towards that behavior, you are reacting and trying to pull her in even harder because you are needy, you have to cut the bullshit and be yourself, no more doing and saying things you think she will like to get her to do what you want, just stop the act, no more trying to be funny, if you are funny, that is cool, but stop trying, just be yourself and be honest with what you want, and if she doesn't want the same thing, don't be needy and back off from her, go game other girls and let her come to you if she is non compliant

GOOD LUCK

Thanks for the advice. I've been practising leading with some women i met off POF and i have a date on thursday so that's cool. it changes the mindset when you learn to lead. you instantly feel more confident and in control.

Damn dude. That's one of the best analysis I've read around here with corresponding solutions. The Pump seems to have given his best shot for you and yet it seems that most of those words haven't sunk in yet into your consciousness. (It appears that you have edited your post so this sentence is no longer accurate.)

I agree that it takes time to change a person's character. But there are exceptions. A person's character that has been built through the years can and do drastically change. I just hope that you didn't just come into this forum for moral support. I hope you came in here for solutions so you can get from Point A to Point B.

I have alternative solutions for you. I'll also explain the scientific basis for each one.

How to Kill Your Needy Frame

You have abandonment issues as a child. Your parents were also emotionally unavailable. Therefore, you basically lacked physical touch from people. I also suspect you haven't been touching your family pets who died on you as much as you could.

Touch triggers the best emotional stabilizers known to men-- oxytocin.

When you get an unusual high from dopamine and yet you're not getting much oxytocin from touch or orgasms, that's the point when the low side of the dopamine rush comes crashing down and you feel depressed. You want to kill yourself. You feel that there's no meaning to what you're doing or what you have done.

The more that you go after the comfort of the physical touch and emotional reciprocation of a woman, the more you push her away. Genetically, her body needs the dopamine rush and then the oxytocin but you needed the oxytocin more. You are competing for the oxytocin resources that she needs to fill up your needs.

You have to manage this. Get many doses of natural oxytocin as much as you can. Until then, your failure rate in chasing women will be very high. So how do you solve this oxytocin deficiency in your system that has been going on since you were a kid?

Simple. Get a cat and care for it. Cat's are touchy feely. When a cat rubs her body to your feet, get her and pet her for five minutes. Yep. 5 minutes at a time. I repeat 5, FUCKING, minutes at a time.

By giving the cat the touch that she's been craving for (she needs the oxytocin too as much as you do), the cat touches you back so much more. When you rub the cat's body 5 or 10 times a day, you'll get consistent natural oxytocin releases day after day. When you get those oxytocin doses on a regular basis, you can better manage your dopamine rush from too much excitement. Your sarges will get better.

How to Spark Interests in Women

Your greatest liability with women is talking and writing. Yep. That includes email, texting or whatever. Your mind is simply too polluted with too much neediness it manifests in your conversations; both written and oral.

The solution? Do it the nonverbal way.

Testosterone, or the manifestations of it, is what sexually attracts women. Testosterone is what triggers their interest in a man. You have two ways to do this:

• 1. Build up your natural testosterone levels high.
  
  2. Amplify the display of your testosterone.

High intensity interval training or HIIT for cardio and strength (make sure you have no serious medical conditions when you do this) can boost your testosterone levels high when you do this regularly. The key in HIIT is the time you save and the rest periods. Make your research on this. You don't need to bulk up on muscles. What you need is to boost up your testosterone. Got that? I repeat, what you need is to boost up your testosterone.

Another sports that can boost up your testosterone levels is martial arts. The competition and aggression are good for your sex appeal. If you have to study martial arts, I suggest you go for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. The touchy-feely style of the art will also help in filling up your oxytocin deficiency.

You can also amplify the manifestations of testosterone. I'll share you two techniques that I've field tested almost on a daily basis with high success.

• 1. Do the eyefuck routine. By making your pupils dilate, your sexual attractiveness shoots up by more than 60%. Check out Warped Mindless ESP Escalation Model at the PUA Lounge for the technique. Check out my How to Make a Woman Fall in Love with You and Other Facts for the scientific explanation and basis. You can also find this at the PUA Lounge.
  
  2. Wear red. Wearing red shoots up your sexual attractiveness by at least 33% to as much as +70%. Check out the Gaming a Shy Girl thread at the Mid-Game or Closing Section for the link to the free (I hope it's still free) to the scientific journal and the explanation why wearing red works.

When you have done your testosterone booster routines, all you have to do is to get near women and shut your fucking mouth. Likewise, prevent your fingers from texting or emailing these women. Let the women do the talking. Just listen. Let the women do the touching. Again, shut your fucking mouth. No negs. No C&F. C&F does not work for you now it seems due to your needy vibe. Maybe some other time.

And, oh, don't forget petting the cat on a regular, daily basis.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

LOL! Ok. Will do. Thanks. Although I did touch the pets very much as a kid. Too much with the dog as he bit me in the mouth which was why he had to be put down.