Some background information:

I have been with my girlfriend for over 2 1/2 years. In October it'll be our 3 year anniversary.

So the girlfriend, after a few months of constant searching for full-time work, finally got a FT job and started training last week. It's a major shock to her and she does not like change whatsoever. She had to suddenly stop staying up so late to be at work for 9am and work until 5pm 40~ minutes away 5 days a week. This week, she is now getting up around 630am to be at work for 8am - 4pm. So, needless to say, a big change.

Now, she hasn't been overly sexual lately. After not getting laid for over a week, I suggested that I needed some sex from this relationship. I was still getting random kino that was initiated by her, but no BJ's and no sex. After I mentioned this, within the next two days, she finally put out. It was good, she was putting some effort. I thought to myself, 'Problem solved.'

This week is her first proper week of FT work and she's still holding my hands and giving me kisses on the lips. After work she simply passes out for hours so I don't hear from her for a while. (She can sometimes sleep for as long as 3 - 6 hours while I am still awake around 3-4am.)

She used to ask whether I wanted her 'forever' and I said I did. She even mentioned marriage. She originally gave a time-frame of a year. In the last month, she got a new (and single) female room-mate and this time-frame has shifted to the next two years she'd want to move in together.

Last night, I brought up the future. She said her stance has not changed but she wants to pay off her debts before moving into a home with me. I suspect she wants more time to party with her new room-mate. Any ideas?

I have found what she says doesn't matter -- its the actions. She has told me before that she didn't feel like hanging out and then changes her mind an hour later. This morning, she wakes me up and offers to buy me a small breakfast at McDonald's. Was I shit-tested for congruency or should I just chill?

Kind of concerned that these occasion gifts are a possible guilty way of covering up and amending her possibility sexing someone else..

Much thanks!

Quick question, do you work full-time?

Starting a new job is stressful. Starting a new, full-time job is even more stressful. Starting a new, full-time job, for the first time, is even MORE stressful. This is one of the factors that lead to the demise of my 3.5 year relationship. I was very tired and stressed out from starting a new job, and every night just wanted to fall asleep instead of having sex with my girlfriend.

I find it odd that you've jumped to the conclusion that she might be having sex with someone else, especially coming up on 3 years together. During that time, you should have built enough trust to at least see the bigger picture and that wouldn't have crossed your mind.

As far as the little gifts, maybe that is her way of trying to keep you happy? She knows she is slacking in the bedroom, so she is looking for other (easier, less draining) ways to put time into the relationship. I don't think the roommate is much of an influence, unless she is going out with her every night. As far as her wanting to pay off debts before moving in together, I see that as a good thing. No reason you should have any of that burden.

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No. At the moment I am working part-time, so the hours are pretty unstable. I had a great interview at a job recruiting agency and told my gf that it went better than expected! They are already eager to find work for me and even had a recent position in mind.

I told my gf and she wanted to know right away. I said that I needed to pass security clearance first but the fact that they had a role in mind for me and had just met me is almost too good to be true. Almost. I was on a bus, but my girlfriend's response was as follows: Tell me once you have a job and 'I have to get back to work.' Really cold and negative, huh?

My girlfriend has bipolar (and is on good meds) but as I wrote earlier, but that's no excuse for her to be rude. I shrugged it off and am going to enjoy the rest of my day.

The reason I am jumping to the conclusion that she might be sneaking is due to her hanging with an older guy from her last work. They worked together for almost 3 years, a little before I met my gf through online dating (okcupid). They were close friends from a past computer store but she is in her mid twenties and he is around 53-57. She claims she did not cheat, even though she was aware of that guy being interested in her. She also claims that she was 'using him' for meals because she could not afford food and also because she enjoyed his stories.

However, she let me read her old e-mails and I did come across her saying that she 'missed him', so I am at a crossroads as what to do. I know we were still having sex often when she brought up hanging out with him a year or so ago. The sex was still great. She told me that he got visibly annoyed when she told him all about our relationship woes (she did not have meds then) and was essentially friend-zoning him at one point. So he was described as a good LJBF guy. This guy was also getting laid BUT he was laying a married woman. Hence my concern here.

What happened was, I moved out in January so I could focus on my last few university classes. She went over there the night after, thinking we were finished apparently and *lied* about being somewhere else (a family friend's place).
She says she lied because she was so hurt that I had "abandoned her". She does have abandonment issues unfortunately as she was bullied for 20 years. She is a wonderful person most of the time, really awesome.

She claims that night, at least, that he invited her into his bed and she declined him and slept on the couch. After that night, realizing that we were still together, she asked me to write him both a Facebook message and e-mail saying that we both don't want him around anymore and blocked him completely from her Facebook. She said she was too disgusted with him advancing on her that she didn't even want to write it (the email).

I checked her FB for a while after that and he was still blocked. I stopped checking her email/Facebook/phone after 2-3 weeks because I did not like snooping, even if she gave me permission to do so. However, she was deleting a lot of stuff from her phone around that time...again, fishy.

She claimed that he was just a friend and he made some sexual advances the last time she chilled with him. He wanted her to have more alcohol and she insisted on sleeping on the couch (she says...) wihle he wanted her in his bed. I made it clear I did not like her being with him before but I accepted her assurances that it was purely platonic for her. She still sticks to this story, but I do not know whether it is the truth. I am possibly blinded by my emotions unfortunately.

I know all of the evidence points to her cheating but the sex was fairly good up until the last month or so, when she was getting stressed out by having very little hours from her ex-job.

Thoughts? Any suggestions on how to proceed?

A 'lil disorganized. Lots of ideas and separate memories/moments here.

Stress could be a possibility.. However, any time a couple isn't having sex.. the relationship will be suffering some issues. Sex is just too key an important part of the relationship, as you see it has been worrying you.

I think this is one of the key reasons why men went to work and women stayed home.. Today is just doesn't seem possible(thought it is) for both partys to work and maintain a healthy sex life, thus a healthy relationship.

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Please take the time to read this carefully, I just got out of a 4 year LTR myself and I'm concerned you're running the risk of slipping into a few traps here...

1)Neediness - Do you want to be 'the boyfriend who was amazing when I started my full time job' or 'my ex who wouldn't stop being paranoid when I was super stressed so I dumped him'.

Dude I know sex is a legit need. But put yourself in her perspective. Imagine she's tired, on meds, hates change and is going through a massive change...just take the weight off her shoulders a bit here. Jack off, watch porn, play video games and the other stuff you don't usually have the time for when you're busy reading her emails.

2)Paranoia/suspicion creating feared outcomes -

It sounds like you have legit reason to be suspicious with her here regarding the whole cheating scenario. But, and separating emotion from logic can be tricky here, this jealousy issue is perhaps something you should work through with a trusted friend or expert relationship counselor.

If you think and fear she's cheating, it could well eventually influence her significantly to do so.

I honestly think you need to do two things here -

1)Take some time for yourself. Work out, see your boys for a beer, do whatever you like to do to focus just on you. I find working on 'goal' type stuff rather than just unwinding works well, but either can work. What this step does is refocus your mind and body on you and your life rather than the current relationship issue you're wrapped up in.

2)Once you're in a good state physically, logistically and mentally to evaluate the situation, do it. You need to either...

*put aside your jealousy and suspicion for this girl. Forgive her in your heart. Don't let your fear impact your behavior any longer.

*Break up with her, even if just to see how you feel without her.

*Work to resolve your jealousy issues together, with the help of a professional if needed.

Trust me bro, the sex is, nine times out of ten, a symptom not a cause. It's the jealousy and suspicion you need to cure before it kills this relationship.

Feel free to PM me any time for questions etc, I can relate to this scenario big time.

I was getting needy and clingy before the new female room-mate moved in. I am recovering from neediness now since I was so used to being the gf's number one support. Now the room-mate sees her every night so I have the time to do my own things. It was really hurting my time to read, recover from my job, etc.

In January, it was really bad. For the next month, it seemed like I was going to bomb my course and we were going to break-up. We are mostly compatible, although it seems like my intuition is much stronger than hers and sometimes she says that I'm simply 'weird'. I always have a retort to this, such as: 'And that's why you love me babes'. We have survived being together through good times and bad times -- mostly good times but the fact we're still together after so long is awesome.

I haven't read her e-mails for a very long time. She let me though. I read a lot of harsh comments about me sent to her mother, etc. It was not really her -- it was due to her bipolar and mood swings pre-medication. One hour she was being super sexual, the next day she is throwing a tantrum about how I don't clean around the house. (Not true. I did more than my share of dish-washing with two jobs.)

Over the last week, with her full-time job, I have had more time to go over old photographs I've taken, hit up the gym, fix up videos I've made, etc. So I have been shifting my focus and tactics since she is hanging more with the room-mate and too exhausted to go anywhere after work.

I had a shitty and sketchy ex-gf and I suspect she did some damage with my ability to trust. She lied and stopped wanting to hangout, possibly even cheating on another guy in residence, etc. Real nice piece of work, she was...

I feel you 100%, right down to the issue of ex-gfs fucking me over, and if I really want to play self-Freud, my parents relationships.

But the one major realisation I've had over the last couple of years has been that the past is the fucking past. We are not our past. All the skin cells that made you up back in the day, they are gone. You are physically a new man.

What's remained? Your memories. What are these memories doing now? Affecting your behavior.

Would you agree with me jealousy/suspicion is the main non-physical problem in your relationship right now?

No. I used to get lots of sex and now my girlfriend is gaining weight. Yesterday she said she didn't want any photographs of her because she didn't want to be seen as fat.

This might be the key why she doesn't want to have sex. I had sex once in the last two weeks -- this is insane. I don't want free meals, I want physical intimacy and she is getting her emotional intimacy and I am getting practically nothing.

I brought it up before to her how I want sex and all she says is that she has a low libido. Now she is off her bipolar medication so there is no excuse. What bothers me is that she was 'cheerfully' joking yesterday, after buying me a promise/engagement ring, that since I was wearing a ring and she had hers at home, that means she could go and sleep with other males. I told her straight up, 'If you ever sleep with anyone else, we would be finished instantly.' I think this is a hint of how she truly feels.

Thoughts on how to proceed would be appreciated. I don't want to be miserable but I want to make it clear that I cannot continue giving and not getting anything.

If you had the audacity to say something like that I don't see why you couldn't just tell her " If we don't start having sex, I am going to begin to look for it elsewhere" .. Just be a "MAN" and be honest with her man.. Stop ranting to her about jealousy because that is senselss and will make her want to cheat on you even if she's not. Just tell her you want some ass asap. I don't see whats so difficult about being honest.. You don't need advice from us, you just need to tell her the truth.

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