| We have all heard those dreaded four words once in our lives haven't we?
"Let's just be friends..."
.
"umm... let's not."
This will be a simplistic post that even a 6th grader can understand.
Picture a venn diagram. With the comfort category on the left, and the attraction category on the right. And the relationship category in the middle.
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What is comfort? Comfort is having trust, rapport, and commonalities between a male and a female. However, if you're categorized as only in the comfort category, you are viewed as nothing more than a friend.
I met this girl my freshmen year in high school. I did not consider her attractive at the time. Anyways I moved away after my sophomore year and when I came back she was simply fucking stunning. Her hair was gorgeous, and her butt... omgosh. I got her number and we began to catch up. I developed a lot of comfort between us. I knew everything about her, she knew everything about me. I liked her... A LOT. Now this is during a time before I discovered the PUA community, and I was a complete chode, anyways...
I manned up and asked her on a date. I was hoping and praying she would say yes. A part of me guaranteed myself she would, because why wouldn't she? We had so much comfort, we can easily be with each other and talk for hours on end. Guess what? She flaked.I continued to invite her out to places. She continues to flake. Why was she flaking? Because there was no attraction. I never expressed myself in an attractive way around her. I was never fun and flirty towards her, in her eyes I was someone she could trust and go to if she needed help, not someone she knew she would have fun with.
I was never able to develop a relationship because I was all the way in the comfort category, and there was no attraction to help balance myself into the relationship category.
Okay what happens next was I told her that I liked her. She did not directly say let's just be friends. But she put me down in the nicest way possible. She said that I was a guy that she could rely on, and she just doesn't see me that way.
THERE WAS NO ATTRACTION!!! ONLY COMFORT.
(I ended up f-closing this girl) I will continue the story in a bit.
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The definition of attraction is a bit more in depth...
1. Passive and long term attraction, which is based mostly on long term or inherent values, and cannot be easily changed.
Physical beauty (genetics: symmetry, face, body, height)
Wealth and influence of financial resources towards social life
Social proof dynamics and social circle foundation/connections
Personal reputation from fame, family lineage or other “social networks”
2. Middle of the spectrum, things you can convey without being direct.
Pre-selection by other women
Body language and movement
Eye Contact
Voice volume and tonality
Avatar / Style
3. Immediate-based attraction
Sense of humor and wittiness (Cocky and Funny)
Fun vibe
Escalating
If you just have attraction, you are viewed as a player. You're pre selected by other women, you're flirty, and you can game like no other. Girls are are attracted to guys with high social value, if they can see that you get attention from other girls, they will wonder what's up and hop in on the band wagon.
But some girls have a hard time trusting players. They become hesitant to move the relationship to the next level, because there is no level of comfort established between the girl and the guy. The girl is a bit afraid to advance because she feels like she might just be used, she will end up with a lot of pain.
Here's a story. I walked into a party, immediately a dozen or so people are there to greet me, some even said "the party just started now!" What I noticed was that everyone who came after me received no such greeting. Here at this party I was already established as a high value guy and this made establishing attraction much easier for me. Ten minutes later after I settled in and talked to my friends; I noticed a beautiful brunette sitting on the couch talking to one of my friends. I went up and introduced myself and right off the bat we were fun and flirty. I was joking around, and expressing a fun and enthusiastic vibe the entire time. I got her number and through a span of four months we went out on dates plenty of times. I was ready to get into an LTR. Then she drops a bomb. "I don't think I want a boyfriend right now." Why not I replied? "I have a hard time trusting you, I'm afraid I might get seriously hurt if we get into a relationship."
Why did she not want to get into an LTR with me? Because there was no comfort. I was all the way in the attraction category. I was always fooling around, making her laugh, and flirting. While this is all good, I failed to establish trust and rapport. She thinks I might hurt her, but in reality I cared a lot about her. I was just foolish not to establish any comfort with her at all, which set the frame as me being the player. I am sharing this story because you can still not get anywhere relationship wise if all you have is attraction.
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Now let me remind you all that some guys with just comfort will have relationships. And some guys with just attraction will have relationships. It happens, but not often. Guys with just comfort usually have longer relationships, but the let down is heart breaking. Guys with just attraction will tend to have shorter relationships.
YOU NEED TO HAVE AN EQUILIBRIUM OF BOTH COMFORT AND ATTRACTION TO BE IN THE MIDDLE.
How do you do this? If you're all the way in the comfort category, you need to express and establish yourself as an attractive man. You need to be fun and flirty towards the girl. You need to start with light and friendly kino, then escalate towards more heavy stuff as you two become more physically acceptable towards each other. To convey attractiveness there are plenty of ways, you can physically make yourself more attractive. Go to the gym, get new clothes, a nice haircut, cologne. While you generate attraction, be sure to also maintain the comfort. BUT NOT AS MUCH. Because she already knows that you can be serious, that she can rely on you. She is yet to see your attractive, fun and flirty side.
If you're all the way in the attraction category you need to develop comfort. How do you do this? Be serious at times, get to ACTUALLY know her. Knowing her full name, her family, her pet dog is not establishing comfort. Knowing her aspirations, her fears, her goals, her motivations, will establish comfort. You need to convey that you are someone that she can trust and that you are not just a player that she assumes will break her heart. Take the time to sit down with her, and talk. You don't have to be fun and flirty all the time. Why? Because she already knows that part of you, she doesn't know that you actually care, and you can be serious, and you can be relied upon.
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Story time.
All I had was comfort, there was no attraction. As I mentioned early, I discovered PUA around the time the brunette with the nice butt nicely let me down. I found out how to convey attractiveness. What was the first thing I did? I froze her out. We would always text every single day. This triggered an anomaly in her life. She was so use to texting me every day that she became upset when I didn't text her, and upset when she texted me and I showed no interest. I officially let the girl out of my life.
To get the girl, you have to risk losing the girl.
I was out gaming chicks hard, getting numbers, getting dates, my abundance was around 5-6 girls who on any given weekend I can go out with. I was always tagged in pictures on facebook with a bunch of girls. This conveyed that I was a high value guy who girls seeked attention from. We were at a football game, I went with two girls who were pretty attractive. Guess who was sitting in the stands? That girl who let me down. Upon walking up the bleachers I was greeted by around ten people, both guys and girls. This conveyed I had a big social circle, which establishes me as a high value guy. Oh I did mention that I was with two cute girls, so this showed that I was pre selected, and girls were after me.
During the summer when there was no school, three of my other buddies and I got a gym membership and we went to the gym for five hours every single day. I am not lying when I say this. The first hour we played basketball (we're varsity basketball players), the second hour we swam. The third hour we worked out a muscle group. The fourth hour we ate. The fifth hour we did abs, and went home. Sometimes we would do running instead of swimming, it all depended on the weather. But anyways, I was A LOT bigger than I was during the school year. My chest popped out, my biceps were bigger, my shoulders were broad, and I had a four pack (I'm still trying to get that six pack, dayum is it hard).
The brunette greeted me, immediately I left the two chicks and went up to her and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was being fun and flirty right off the bat, with lots of kino. I could tell she was checking me out, she mentioned that I had a sexy tan, and that I looked a lot bigger than before. (For people who are curious, I am Asian, 6 foot, 185 pounds). After 5 minutes of playing around in the bleachers I left to go sit with the girls I came with to the football game. During this time I was flirting with both the girls, and I would always glance over to the brunette and she would look at me and we would both hold eye contact that suggested that we wanted each other.
She texted me the same night wanting to hang out with me next weekend. I was finally in. We went mini golfing, and I was being fun and flirty the whole time. While I developed attraction, I quicky moved from the comfort category towards the middle.
We ended up going out for three months, I F-closed her and that butt three weeks after mini golf. If you're curious as to why we broke up, then I'll gladly share. I was just too busy, I wanted time for myself to enjoy and relax, I wanted time with my best friends (I did not hang out with them as much while I was dating this girl, bros before hoes!!)
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The brunette at the party, I'll call her K so you don't mix her up with the other brunette.
As mentioned early, the only thing I established was attraction. I was into PUA big time, but I never realized that comfort was really important. I played the books correctly, I attracted K. We did not go to the same schools, and she was a mormon. K was just 16, I was just 17. According to her religion, she is not allowed to go out on dates until she turns 16. And when she does go on dates it's recommended that she goes out on group dates, or invite the guy over to spend time with her family so that they can closely monitor me. K broke all her religious codes just to spend time with me. Attraction was off the charts. I k-closed her on a sunday (my first kiss, her first kiss). Mormons are suppose to stay home and spend time with their families on Sunday. We went out in her beamer and I still was the same fun and flirty guy. We still went out on dates plenty of times. One night I was struck by her words. We both love to write. She's writing a book. I have my own blog for the Lakers.
I asked her in a joking way, "hey write my college essay for me, it'll be the best thing you will have ever written because it's about me!
K started laughing and that smile of hers... makes me just want to grab her and kiss her in front of everyone. "Sorry, but I know nothing about you! Plus that would be cheating!"
I never dissect her words in the moment. BUT WHAT THE FUCK? We've been on over twenty dates through a span of four months and she knew nothing about me? This struck a tingle in my body. This made my realized why she said she didn't want a boyfriend earlier in our 'relationship.' There was no comfort. There was no trust. She hardly knew who I was. How can she rely on me if I all have is attraction and no comfort?
I went home a bit saddened, but I held my chin up. I made a vow to establish comfort between us. I've never liked a girl this much before in my life. I don't care if I can't fuck her because she's mormon. I actually wouldn't want to go that far because I respect her religious views, and I do not want to put a burden of guilt on her because she broke a very serious rule. We started becoming a bit more comfortable with each other, Her parents liked me and we always have great conversations, I even went as far as going to church with her. But I still haven't balanced attraction with comfort or else I would be in the middle right now. It's getting better, she's getting to ACTUALLY know me more. I'm working on this girl, this is an unsolved process that I know I will come out on top of.
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This is the end folks, I hope this enlightened some of you. I know I am going to be criticized as well. I am still very young (17), and I want to become the best person that I can be.
Remember that COMFORT = LJBF
Remember that ATTRACTION = LJBF (But in a different way)
Most importantly, remember that a balance of COMFORT + ATTRACTION = RELATIONSHIP
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CHAT
you massage like a girl really. wanna come around and watch that movie tonight? x
:( double sad face