Hell everyone, first of all I'd like to say in advance thank you for any help/advice I may receieve on this topic. I recently joined the forum in order to find a way out of this rather irrational mindset I'am in... that is the mindset of being almost obssesed over one girl that I never dated but for some reason or another, I'am awfully attracted to her.

I would greatly appreciate any help I can get, I'am genuinly looking for a way out out of this as I feel it is effecting my life in a negative manner. Here is the basic situation. Thanks guys for hearing me out :

This whole thing started about 2 years ago now, (yes 2 years ago I know pitifull) , I was a naive young student starting college. This particular girl actually went to my high school and I didn't really know her, besides her name but she ended up going to the same college as me. We had two classes together and naturally, recognizing each other by face, we started talking in those classes. I was not at first attracted to her but as time went on she grew and grew on me. By the time I had personally accepted the fact that I really liked her, our time of consistantly seeing each other was over. I had regrets of never making a clean move on her, I would always try to do (looking back now at it) childish things to try to get her attention. Such as being overly nice to her, trying to get her things to appease her, just typical AFC actions. With out realizing it, I was blowing my chances. Anyhow, time went on and I figured, I'll just forget, she's just one girl, and I'am bound to meet more ppl. That didn't exactly happen, for some reason, I keep going back and still keep going back to her, trying to talk to her. I actually gained some positive ground quite a while now, about 8 months now ....(once again sad I know, where I kissed her and well, she kissed back) But my lack of experiance with women and fear prevented me from moving on like a MAN should have. Ever since then, i've keeped painfull contacts with her but it's all been more of a "Hey how are you doing" type thing. Never really emotionally or physical. I know for a fact she use to like me quite a bit too, because a good friend of mine got it out of her but she also told him, "she never quite knew why it never worked out between us."

Ever since hearing this, this illogical, irrational, desire has come back to me. Should I pursue still? Lost cause? Is it my ego the one propelling my thoughts at this moment? Or is it just sheer foolishness. It's not like I haven't been with other women because of her, I've actually been rather successfull with women around this time, (just haven't been able to forge a relationship) just not with this one particular one I really want. I feel as if all others don't really matter to me, so I just play games with them.


What do you guys think? I feel lost and I'am trying to swallow my ego by typing this to find a way out.

I don't mind harsh responds, as long as they are honest. Thanks and sorry for the wall of text.

If you're too scared to blow it with a girl, you are more likely to do those things that will lead to you blowing it. One common example is if you're scared to lose the girl, so you don't make your sexual intent clear, and end up in the friend zone as a result. She's confused because you don't make your intent clear, and you don't make your intent clear because you're afraid if you do she will reject you. This happens a lot. And there's only one way out: You need to be clear about your intent. This is best done physically, but you can also say things that indirectly say "I would very much enjoy giving you a good fuck, my dear." Just to use a recent random example, I was on a first date with a girl. We were walking to a bar and she asked me "hey, am I taller than you?" Haha, shit test right? I held out my hand and said, "wait, wait, stop." She stopped walking. I grabbed both her shoulders with my hands and stared straight into her eyes, I let that moment linger. I could see the spark in her eyes. I said something like, "I don't know, how tall are you?" She said whatever she said and I took her by the arm and started walking again, saying, "yeah, well then I'm taller than you." and changed the subject.

At the bar she was talking about living in another country and having a gun and I stopped her and said, "you've fired a gun? Oh, girls with guns, that is so sexy." and stared into her eyes when I said it. She kind of stuttered, "it . . . it is?" I said, very calm, very confident, very certain, "oh yeaaaaah."

In all of this, what I'm saying is way less important than what I'm communicating. The communication is coming from how I'm acting. I'm confident, physical, in control. I stop her, I position her, I stare into her eyes, I tell her my opinion of what is sexy. This pushes the right buttons. I also didn't fall into the trap of the shit test. I made it clear from tone of voice I didn't really care about who was taller, who cares. But then I also told her that I was in fact taller, which is basically saying, I'll decide. Haha. If that sounds a little crazy, well, the point is just frame control. "I don't care about that, oh and by the way, I'm the one who decides, not you."

So, a long answer to a long question. The problem with oneitis is you care too much about losing the girl, and you communicate (or sub-communicate) neediness, thereby pretty much guaranteeing that you lose the girl. You need to get alone with this girl, be THE MAN with her and get her aroused, physically escalate so your intentions are clear, sexually escalate, and fuck her.

And for god's sake, stop building her up in your mind. She's just one among many. You're the one making her special. See her for what she is. Another girl you'd like to be with. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, move on to the next one.

Good luck

_________________
Become a Zen PUA: "The Zen of Meeting Women"
http://zenpua.com

What's happening right now is entirely in your mind. You're thinking a lot, and those thoughts tend to fall onto this girl, and you can't avoid them. To go out and get other girls as a cure for oneitis tries to provide other thoughts to fill your mind, but what you need is to think a lot less.

When you're with her, you're probably thinking about what you're doing. "How can I make her laugh? What's a good story that relates to what she just said? Should I touch her? Will she let me touch her?" It's way too much, and when you have all that fluttering in your brain, you've completely forgotten the girl in front of you.

Confidence comes from a place of doing what you want, when you want to. Everyone is capable of this, and you likely have flashes of what a confident person would have done. She passes you and you have an impulse to touch her arm. Unfortunately, your mind gets in the way, telling you that it would be creepy. By the time you fight off your brain, the moment has passed. Sometimes people will try to do the act anyway, to try and seem confident, but the rhythm is off and the act then becomes forced and strange.

You recognize that your thoughts are irrational, so why entertain them? Every moment that you sense yourself thinking about her, refocus yourself. If you've ever been studying, especially an interesting topic, and felt like you were in a groove, that's what you're going for. Your thoughts are absent, because all the information needed is provided by what's right in front of you. Enjoy every moment of your life, don't taint it with unhappy and unnecessary thoughts.

This post comes from personal experience after reading "The Power of Now" and incorporating it into my life. I recommend that you do the same, but alternately meditation is incredibly powerful, if you meditate for 2 minutes before you do anything important, or anytime you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, your life will change for the better. Good luck!

Good post, Slip & Slide.

Awesome advice guys. Thank you very much Zen and Slip and Slide. It will be hard to get away from this mindset because as many of us will agree, it is terrible to live with regrets, and after this event that I'am trying to bring to a close, I try to live my life with out any regrets. I'am 22 and far too young to be regreting things in my past. I've gotten into awesome things lately because of this experiance (learned and bought a motorcycle and loving it/gone skydiving/gotten in awesome shape etc) all thanks to this situation, because I did not want to have any excuses to blow it again with a girl that I would genuinly like in the future...

I will try to take everything in from your post and try to incorporated into my life. I will also check out that book Slip and Slide, it looks like a great read.

As much as I would love to go back and try to recreate something with this girl, I suppose it is best to try to move on..?

Zen, I'll do my best to stop building her up in my mind, I think you hit the main problem dead on there. She definitely is a great girl but what can I do now?


Once again, thanks guys for taking the time to shoot out those reponses, it def means a lot to me. Feel free to drop some more advice any time.