gets weird about the number. Maybe I pushed it too hard, but I thought it was going pretty well.

Talking with bartender (HB9) at a friend's show. She gave me a few passive IOIs. I asked for her number after talking quite a bit (I guess I didn't really ask much about her though... maybe that was my problem) she resisted, then we talked a bit more... and she said this:

HB9: "I must say, you've been setting yourself up for success the whole night." (WTF?)
Me: "And I could probably continue to do that with any typical methods that guys use on bartenders, but I'd rather skip that and see you some time when you're not on the job."
HB9: "Um, why?"
Me: "Because I love your vibe."
HB9: "That's BULLSHIT!" almost upset, but still semi playful.

I know she was interested, but she didn't give me her number. I eventually asked one more time, but she didn't budge.

Did I push it too hard? Or did she just assume I was only into her looks. I know she was interested, otherwise she wouldn't have said "you've been setting yourself up for success."

I keep waiting for the day when I can post here and start ANSWERING questions instead of asking them all the damn time.

You shouldn't have asked again after she said no. Just go back and build a connection. Sounds like you were a bit too upfront. Female bartenders get hit on all the time. So it is possible that she was just doing her normal banter. If she is actually interested she will give you her number eventually. She could also be playing hard to get.

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this is not what high interest does, but who knows, maybe she is playing hard to get to spare her rep hard to say, no one was beside you when you did this to see your overall style, demeanor or vibe

being into her for only her looks is not that big of a deal, not wanting to see if there is more or having real standards can sort of fuck you in the ass, chances are she didn't like that you came of incongruent (didn't seem honest)

it is unlikely ''Because I love your vibe.'' was an honest answer

to pass congruence tests (aka shit tests), the goal is to either
1) stay congruent
2) avoid the test

a proper answer would have to remain congruent to the frame (you answer doesn't seem like honesty), or you would have to re-direct and cut the thread fuck that day, you can already give help and you can already ask for help, we are all just guys here

give her another shot, flirt with her a bit more, and be more honest next time

if she says some shit like,
HB9: "I must say, you've been setting yourself up for success the whole night." (WTF?)
Me: "And I could probably continue to do that with any typical methods that guys use on bartenders, but I'd rather skip that and see you some time when you're not on the job."
HB9: "Um, why?"

your answers are either

1) the truth, aka, ''you are sexy, but I want to see more then that, and that's hard if you are behind the bar''

or

2) a re-direct, ''what do you mean why? who wouldn't want to take you out?''

This is great stuff. Thanks a ton. I'm a realist but I did take "you've been setting yourself up for success" as an IOI. I'll see her again next week when I'm playing there. Nonetheless I had a good time going for it.

If a girl is interested in you, she WILL give you her number. If she doesn't give you her number, shes not intereseted. Sorry.
If you pushed too hard, its only too hard because she wasn't totally into you yet. The bigger problem is the second thing you said, which is that you didn't display REAL interest in her for something other than her looks. This is ESPECIALLY important for bartenders and girls who get hit on all the time. They HAVE to know that you're not just another random guy who thinks shes hot.

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I don't necessarily agree. She asked my name, my age, and let me hold her hand for like 15 seconds after shaking it while I was talking (I took it away). She called me a smooth talker and forgot to charge me for my 3rd drink. She was most definitely interested, but like you said, maybe she wasn't interested enough yet or wasn't ready. I just think I fucked it up towards the end.

I'll keep at it.

Yes and no. You had attraction, but nothing else. Remember, attraction is just a feeling. Its fleeting. It can be there one minute and gone the next, which is why as soon as you get attraction you have to create something SLIGHTLY deeper, by qualifying her. Finding out cool things about her and telling her WHY you like those things. Finding common interests can also be good for that too.

You can tease a girl or group of girls and get them laughing and you will have a little attraction. It doesn't necessarily mean that the girl will give you her number or anything else, because there's not really anything there yet.

I could walk up to a group of girl and make them laugh and touch me, but it doesn't mean that they're actually into me yet. It just means I have attraction.
Attraction is just the thing that gives access to move into the next phases. Thats all it is, and thats all you had with that bartender.

So, yes in a sense, she was into, because you had some "attraction", but you had nothing else, so she wasn't REALLY into you, the way I'm talking about.

Also, remember that some girls just have a very flirty vibe. Some girls pretty much flirt with everybody, its just the way they talk. And some girls are bartenders and waitresses, so flirting gets them better tips.

I'm not saying that you didn't have attraction with this girl, I'm just saying that all you had was attraction and in my mind, attraction does not equal a girl really being into you, its just to first little step. But good job for getting attraction from a bartender, its not always easy.

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AHHH. I see what you mean. That makes perfect sense. Attraction isn't always enough especially with hot bartenders, I guess. This makes a lot of things clear. I think I've been relying on my looks and confidence way too much and that gets me only so far, but not to where I consistently close 9's. I'll keep working on it.

Attraction alone is RARELY enough. You NEED qualification and comfort in addition to attraction to get REAL results.

This is why there are so many guys who can go out and get phone numbers and it LOOKS like they are doing really good, but they get no dates and rarely actually get laid.

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