Hey all,

Ok, this situation is messing my head up; time to get some opinions.

I've been with this girl for a couple of weeks; we're not officially bf/gf, but we've been spending a huge amount of time together. She's pretty much my ideal girl: smart, funny, beautiful...you get the idea. There are some serious issues, however.

First of all, I live with her. Yep, I'm a moron, I know, but bear that in mind. While this isn't strictly a problem, it certinly puts an interesting slant on things.

Secondly, she's incredibly shy, and this shyness extends into getting physical (i.e beyond simply kissing). By her own admission she's not grown up around men (all girls school, no father, no brothers) and so she lacks a little experience. I know a bunch of you will be screaming 'bail! bail!' right now, but it's hard when you feel like your personalities mesh so well. She's told me she doesn't want to rush things and 'ruin everything', which seems fair enough; she's also mentioned that she's slightly intimidated by the amount of exeperience I have in comparison to her. She sleeps in my room, spends hours upon end in here in the evenings; she's ditched going out with friends on a number of occasions in order to spend time with me. Sounds fine up to now, right? But here's the killer:

Just before Christmas she slept with a guy she'd known for a few weeks. She's insistent that she was utterly drunk, regrets it, and the two of them have had no contact since - the last point I know to be true. (And just for the record, I've never accepted the 'I was drunk excuse'...it's bullshit, in my opinion, but she's at uni and I know from experience what uni girls can be like.)

Ordinarily her having slept with someone wouldn't bother me - what she did before she met me is none of my business - but the fact that she's unwilling to go any further with me, but she's happy to sleep with someone she's known for less time is getting to me in a big way. I'm trying to figure it out rationally, but I'm failing. Is she confusing comfort with physical attraction for me? Is it reasonable for her to feel that way, or does this all sound like I'm being made a fool out of? My gut tells me if she were really in to me, things would have gone further, but given her character, I just don't know.

As you can imagine, this is a pretty odd situation I find myself in; I have no idea how to handle it in all honesty, and in the mean time it's eating away at my confidence. Look forward to hearing what people think. Cheers guys.

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"Regretting the past, looking forward to the future, while never being satisfied with the present, this is how my life is spent." - Tchaikovsky

I think you hit the nail right on the head with the whole comfort vs. sexual attraction thing. Something similar to this happened to me not too long ago but the roles were sort of switched. I felt really comfortable around this chick and mistook it for attraction. Our personalities "meshed" and I just figured 2+2=4 but it turned out I was wrong. Women go through this all the time. They can date men who offer them comfort but dont really turn them on.

As for her sleeping with that other guy, of course the drunk excuse wont fly but maybe she's just one of those girls that doesnt really like sex that much. In that case this guy probably just did a good job coaxing her into the sack. From experience I've found that there's 2 types of girls (2 extremes with everything in between rather). There's the kind that are very sexual and will pursue men purely to satisfy their lust. Then there's the girls that expect guys to do ALL of the persuing, expects them to work for it, and basically just control poor sex-crazed men by withholding sex. The first type is offence. The second is defence.

Your girl sounds like she's playing defence. This means you are going to have to use some LMR tactics and other mind games to get this chick to sleep with you and she probably will if she's comfortable enough with you. So if your goal is to sleep with her, it's very possible. If it's to make her feel intense attraction towards you so that SHE wants to jump YOUR bones, then it doesn't sound like things are going according to plan.

What exactly are you looking for with this girl? and i personally think ur nuts messing around with her cause things could get real awkward and mess with ur living situation.

I'm sort of sympathetic towards her. She seems pretty nice to me. I like women who are honest and that's what she's been. Seems like we always want the truth, but beware, because then you have to be able to deal with it.

I can see her point of view, if what she's saying is the truth, but it does seem to add up. If she doesn't have that much experience and wasn't into the guy, and with enough booze, yes, that can happen. So what happened? She had some sweaty drunk guy jump on top of her and take care of business. She probably didn't even come. Probably left a bad mark. Sounds reasonable to me.

She's feeling guilty about not playing it smarter. Cut her some slack. Have some fun, don't overthink it. She really does sound like a nice lady.

I'd suggest seduction techniques to increase her arrousal so she knows you want to make love to her.

Good luck

blame it on the alcohol

Hey man don't feel bummed out about this girl. It sounds like she really likes you and wants to have relationship with you.

That guy she slept with; that was just her trip to the dark side. It was probably easier for her to sleep with some guy with no strings attached, then it is for someone she wants to build something special with.

You live with her so if she sleeps with you there is going to be a lot of after effects.

You also said she was intimated by your experience; maybe she wanted a test run so it wouldn't be weird with you and she gave the weird experience to that other guy.

The alcohol excuse was her way of not being responsible for what happened and therefore she did nothing wrong in her eyes.

She probably thought about you after it was over and done with.

Every things is going to work out for you man.
Good luck

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Getting the Hang of things

This is more perceptive than you realise - I just had her explain to me how she feels, and it's pretty much exactly what you guys have mentioned.
You're totally right here, as is Pool Shark when he touches on the same subject, but I think the second you start having anything more than friendly feelings for someone, your relationship has already changed into something else anyway...I don't think that can be avoided.

Once again, thanks for the responses, guys.

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"Regretting the past, looking forward to the future, while never being satisfied with the present, this is how my life is spent." - Tchaikovsky

dont rush...build as much comfort as possible...watch movies and cuddle, hold hands at mall, just become her best friend. She slept with an unfamiliar guy because she didnt have the comfort she has with you. Forget him and that night.