... or do some of you have any experience in building a deep connection with someone?

Now that I've got your attention (and hopefully you're not too agitated), time for my story.

So, I'm not really asking for advice in 'building' something, as I know what it takes and I'm confident in my ability to do so.

I just want some geniune opinions on this situation and the chances of it actually going somewhere, ofc, a lot of what I'm going to say goes against the "masterful PUA techniques of bedding hot girls through the science of NLP." So I'm aware of a lot of the responces I'll likely get.

So anyway, about... 4ish months ago, I made a post on here (for some reason) on ideas to approach this very cute half-Japanese girl on a gaming forum I frequent. Not sure why I did it, as I didn't really use any of the advice given here, but still managed to engage with her by offering to help me on some silly projects some of the guys on there asked me to do.

Now we've been talking since then, and since she lives so far away (literally on the other side of the world from me), meeting her is out of the question any time soon, so I never really banked on pushing anything with her (and I still don't, I just go with the flow really), but I kept talking to her because she's interesting and very fun to talk to.

And well, as we talked I quickly began to become aware of just how much we had in common (which should be obvious considering where we met), but honestly stemming beyond the simple stuff like "the same music" and into deeper realms as our talks got more intimate. I ran the cube game on her as a means to explore her personality a bit more deeply (see, I still kept SOME of my old PUA tricks), and well after that we started being more open and personal with each other. She told me a lot of things about herself, she has a troubled past, things that... I was honestly flattered that she trusted me so much. And it was honestly since then that I suddenly developed a keen interest in her, as despite her problems, she's quite easily one of the more interesting and genuine people I've met in quite a long time.

Anyway, not to get carried away with all the mushy stuff, I'm just gonna list off where we appear to match up given what we've discussed in PMs and in the topics in private forums.

So:
-According to that Myerrs Briggs stuff, we're the ideal pair INTJ (me) ENFP (her), and there does indeed appear to be quite a lot of chemistry between the two of us
-All of her flaws are stuff I can cope with given what I've lived through, as she wants (and needs) someone patient with the capacity to comprehend her and her special issues, likewise, she seems to kinda fill some of the blanks in my own being (more on that later)
-We have lived through very similar experiences in life and can thus relate to each other very well
-We basically like all the same things from vidya, to music, to manga, to cultures, to travelling, etc... as well as being able to agree on just about everything from religious views to other things
-She has a knack for inspiring my work (I'm an artist) with her ideas (as I said, she's been helping me)
-We both get very carried away in our talks and have admitted to each other how much we enjoy talking with each other about all the dumb crap (and intimate stuff too) we talk about, usually going on with about 15 different topics at a time with our messages, each one taking up about two paragraphs (she even admitted to me that it takes her more than an hour to write her replies).
-And the most recent and probably the most important one:

[collapse]So I've hit an issue with some personal family problems at home with a loved one, an given her experience with the same issue, and the fact that she's overcome that difficulty, I decided to approach her for advice and help with the issue. For one, because I had no one else I could really turn to on the complicated matter, but also two, to see if she's capable of providing for me, and helping me when I NEED her (very important), and to say the least, with her patient and thoughtful response, she passed with flying colors. And she was 'touched' at me trusting her enough to seek her help.[/collaspse]

Now I don't LOVE her, because quite honestly, I don't KNOW her, I know a lot of things about her, but not her. Still, she is quite easily one of the most interesting, capable, and emotionally mature women I've met in quite a while, and the fact that we APPEAR to match up almost perfectly is an interesting concept, scary, but interesting nonetheless. I still have my doubts though, as things do seem TOO perfect, and when they do, they usually go south.

Ok, so here's the dilemma, I've pretty much pointed out all the 'IOI's as you guys call them, ofc, this is something deeper, as I DO feel a certain connection to her, one that I rarely find among girls I date (so far, only one other girl has given me the same sentiment, and she was amazing). However, as I said, she lives 8000km from me, no I DO plan on leaving here soon, in fact, I'm always travelling to different countries, and if she's interested in meeting, I would have no problem moving to her city (hell, if our thing fails, I can always meet other girls in her city), but I won't be able to leave till... twoish years from now. Which, in a way is good, as it forces me to take things slow, and let our bond build.

So, thoughts? What are the chances of this going somewhere? I've actually talked to a bunch of people (online and offline) about meeting partners online who live far away, and have come across numerous success stories, many like what I'm going through (they meet their partner in a game/forum, they feel a unique connection, both live far away, talk to each other for a year or two, or more, meet irl, and actually end up with a very successful relationship, after all compatability is the most important factor).

And well, before these question come up:
-yes, I've confirmed she's indeed a girl
-yes she's single
-and no I doubt she's in any risk of finding anyone any time soon, despite being an extrovert she spends a lot of time in the forum (she's even a mod now), and as I said her condition makes it hard for her to have stable relationships with people, to put it in her words she can be "hard to deal with at times." So unless she meets a guy in her area with the same maturity and understanding as me, I doubt she'll become unavailable (and if she did, I'd be happy for her sake and find someone else, she could use someone like that in her life). Ofc, I'm not also saying that I'm guaranteed to be able to handle her, but honestly, seeing what we've talked about, and compared to some of my loved ones, she's not even close to being as difficult as them.

And yes, I know she's "damaged goods" but I couldn't care less, as far as I can see, her character, her core-self is genuine, and that's what matters the most to me.

Rant aside... thoughts?

Oh yeah, and inb4 I get called a scrub or whatever you guys call it here. I'm not new to the dating scene, and I did do the PUA thing a number of years back, I just don't have any interest in plain sex anymore. I actually made a different account for this post as my old username on here is the same as the one on that forum, and I'd hate for shit to get compromised by someone who knows both of us (which given the clues I've dropped, anyone would be able to piece her identity together (very pretty, half-Japanese, a mod, posts in the private forums, etc...), and given her looks, a number of guys DO have secret crushes on her, and jealousy is a bitter thing.

If you start having the attitude that getting laid is any different than seducing a girl for love you are already going to fail. You need to accept that the best way to get women to fall for you is also to sleep with them. Stop being afraid to lose and just go for it with confidence.

_________________
http://www.joshsway.com -- dating, online dating, fitness, fashion, and more...

If you're referring to the subject line, know that it was simply to draw attention.

Anyway, I agree and disagree with what you said. There is a slight difference in the approaches to both of them, especially since PUA normally avocates "speed seduction" something you really don't want if you're looking for someone intimate. Not cause you won't get her, but because you'll don't really allow yourself to sow the necessary seeds.

However, you ARE right in that sex is very important in stirring emotions in women, as women are very kinesthetic and they open their hearts to trust through physical contact. However, it is in NO way, the ONLY way. Girls aren't strange creatures, they are human beings just like you and me, and thus think and feel in very similar ways. If YOU can fall in love with someone without having to touch those bases, so can they. Evidence lies in the success stories I mentioned.

Anyway, as I said, I don't have the freedom to just go and meet this girl out of the blue as she lives so far away. The kinesthetic approach is basically out of the question, and thus, I have to look for other alternatives. Trust me, if I could have set up a meeting with her, I would have done so ages ago. Thus, I am forced to take the slow path (which is probably for the best as like I said before, allows us to forge a stronger bond). Now, will we have sex when and if we meet? Without a doubt, a strong emotional bond is most desireable too for a powerful sexual connection (best sex is when you are making love rather than just fucking), and there's no written rule that says "first sex then emotions," ofc you can't have love, but you can have a strong affection without sex.

And, I don't get why you told me to "not be afraid to lose" as, there really is nothing to be afraid of, and I think I mentioned that I'm quite confident in my ability to build a bond with someone. As I said, I go with the flow, if something is indeed born from this, then great, but there are many obstacles, and the situation is indeed tricky, so I'm also just as accepting of the fact that 'hey,' this might go nowhere.

In fact, the reason I made the thread wasn't to seek advice in 'seducing' her, but rather to get an objective reading on the situation, as I've met girls online before (in my local area though, through OKC), and after a couple messages we meet, and take it from there, but I've never built a bond with someone 'strictly' online. I've been told SPAM is your best friend in these situations, and I'm gonna head for that real soon (problem is now time zones though). And well, because I'm rather unfamiliar with doing things this way, it's very difficult for me to get an idea of 'just how interested she might be', you know, HER side of the story.

Your mentally masturbating and fantasizing on what the future holds for you. I really can't think of a reason why your asking people on the forums that don't know you or the girl your asking about, if they see a future in this. How will you know unless you try ?

If you like the girl go meet her even if she's at the ends of the earth.

Damn, you write a lot. But I have to disagree with one part and say this is not all speed seduction. There is actually a literal method called "speed seduction." You can use this to categorize woman into your life as you please. Have them for a night, build a strong bond and flip it into a friendship, make it a longer romantic investment. Whatever you want. The main draw is gaining the confidence to do these things and not care if it does not work.

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Um no, you are moving too slow, way too slow. You should be pushing for a meeting. Since the logistics here are difficult (personally, I think you are crazy to bother with someone on the other side of the world, but that's just my opinion) at least get some SPAM action going ASAP and then from there figure out how to arrange a meeting and go for it. You do not need to sow more seeds, it sounds to me like you've already planted and grown a giant redwood. Get her on SPAM, and then get her in real life. Period. It's your ONLY play here. Most likely it won't work given the logistical issues, but it at least has a chance.

_________________
http://www.joshsway.com -- dating, online dating, fitness, fashion, and more...

Agreed on the SPAM, dunno how one could move "too slow" however, especially since I won't be able to leave here for at least another year, mind elaborating? What could happen? I mean, aren't trust, communication and compatibility the foundation of any healthy relationship?


Interesting that you feel I've already grown a giant Redwood though, I do feel somthing is growing, but I feel it needs to mature. Dunno, only way to confirm it is through SPAM.

Oh yeah, and I am pretty crazy, but how many attractive, French-Japanese, ENFP, gamer girls, who are emotionally mature do you come across?


Oh, and to the dude who said I was "mentally masturbating" yep, I'm INTJ, it's what we do, hell, I practically LIVE in my own head, but it's helpful for making plans and following through with them. It's part of my drive.

YOU BUILD THE STUFF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IN PERSON. Human beings have not evolved at the pace of electronic communication. There is no substitute for the comfort that is built being together in real life, no matter how many years you put in building comfort behind the barriers of technology.

_________________
http://www.joshsway.com -- dating, online dating, fitness, fashion, and more...

The chances are low, since, as you have pointed out yourself, she lives on the other side of the world. And this... ...is so frigging true. You spend all this time and mental energy on her, is she really worth that? Do you really enjoy this platonic relationship while she is possibly fucking someone else? Personally, I wouldn't like it, but who am I to judge, right? To each his own.

_________________
One of the most useful things you will ever learn about body language.

>proabably fucking somebody else

Proabably is... maybe, dunno she spends wayyy too much time on the forum, arguing over nerdy shit to have TOO much of an active sexual life, but she does have a mood disorder, whose manic phases always compel the person to act impulsively. On the other hand, her goal in life is to overcome that issue, and she's made a lot of strides based on what she's told me.

Still, if she is, then good. She's single though, and she probably will be for the longest time. Sure she might find a couple short-lived relationships here and there, but she's very pessimistic about her love-life, and she's already told me how she pushes most people away, only letting those who are patient in (that was her cube, it had lots of barriers). Also, I suspect she's bisexual (to quote her: I've been friendzoned before, but never by a guy ) Or maybe she had a bisexual phase, w/e. Her sex-life is of no interest to me (except for the juicy stories we ocassionally share). Besides, I'm going out and seeing other girls from time to time too. She's not my girlfriend, and I don't do LDRs. I'll start dating her once I meet her in person, so she can fuck whoever she pleases to keep herself busy till I meet her, it's not like she's my property or anything...
Says who dude?

I've maintened friendships as well as my bond with my family striclty through SPAM for the past 3 years. I live in a different continent, and don't have much of an opportunity to visit them. Still we manage because SPAM has helped keep us in touch.

Second, where is this written rule that says all bonds must be built in person? How do you explain all the people who have met their lovers online, and the ended up as married couples after talking for two or more years before meeting? There are TONS of stories, and hell, it even goes further back to before the internet, back when pen-pals were a thing.

Quit deluding yourself into thinking that there is one model of attraction. Love is not so simple that you can break it down into 8 simple steps. Of course there is a limit to technology, and yes, it creates certain barriers, but I've noticed, some of those barriers also build a unique comfort. Why? It seems to me that it's because it's easier to idealize someone early one when you meet them online, this makes it easier for yout mind to trust them. It's a totally different game.

And once again, I ask, why must one move quickly? Playing it slow has plenty of perks, for one it allows you to build more trust. Moving quickly through things is great for picking up dumb bimbos at bars, but in my experience, try that shit on a smarter girl, and she won't give you much of a chance. Tell me, what's the worst that could happen if I play it slow?

C'mon man, isn't PUA about confidence? It's the center of what you guys preach, yet you feel like you need to move quickly with girls because you fear they might leave if you don't. If you truly were confident, you wouldn't worry so much about that, being secure with the knowledge that she will find you irresistably attractive for who you are, a one-of-a-kind, rare to find catch. Someone like that won't be cast away by a girl so easily, no matter how slow you take it. As long as you keep showing her you're interested, she'll keep playing, if she becomes frustrated with your aloofness, she'll confess to you, girls want closure too, especially with the guys they really like. I've gotten a number of confessions before, and I've played it slow each time, now the trick is in building that same bond with this girl.

ok so do it your way.... as for your examples, some people win the lottery, does that mean buying lottery tickets is a good strategy to make money?? Family is different, you have already built a bond with them in person over many years. Anyways, do what you want. You asked for advice, we gave it to you, what you do with it is up to you. Good luck.

_________________
http://www.joshsway.com -- dating, online dating, fitness, fashion, and more...

Well... thanks for the input, but... I never really asked for advice, I was honestly just looking to talk about the matter, that's all. Besides, it's not like I got any useful advice anyway other than "you should SPAM" which I was gonna do anyway (actually, we've just planned a video call for this weekend - would have been last weekend but I had some personal issues to deal with (the ones she helped me with actually)).

And as for the lottery deal, dude, c'mon, that's a TERRIBLE analogy. You can't WORK to make the lottery profitable, it's entirely based on luck, things like compatibility, effort and such have no role in increasing your odds, not to mention the lottery isn't sentient.

You gave a few fluke examples of people who fell in love or whatever from some internet bond over several years. It is exactly like winning the lottery, a fluke, not a strategy that has any merit. I personally think if you are sacrificing hanging out with your friends, meeting other women, or doing any other activities you like to do to spend time chatting with this girl or chatting her or whatever you are being really ineffective in your usage of time. This girl is a long shot if there ever was one, and from your description, sounds like she is totally fucked up anyways.

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http://www.joshsway.com -- dating, online dating, fitness, fashion, and more...

Yeah, but I like fucked up girls. They tend to make life more interesting, just as long as they aren't TOO crazy. Besides, her city is the race-mix capital of the world, filled to the brim with tons of Half-Asians, so like I said, if shit doesn't work out, there are tons of cute Half-Japanese girls just like her to choose from.

You still say it's a long shot, but don't bother to elaborate 'why' I'm not arguing against you, I'm just asking you to tell me why.

If it's cause online dating is a 'fluke' I ask you this question: Stastitically, where are you more likely to find someone compatible to you?

a) at a bar or pub in your near vicinity?

b) on an online forum that pertains to your hobbies?

Usually people select their hobbies in line with their preferences in life and personalities, not to mention, with the internet you're selecting from the whole world, not just however many people live nearby you. I don't think those relationships were flukes as you say, I'd it's cause the people in question mended really well, ofc, there's only one way to find out in my case, so we'll see...

Anyway, as for other activities I could do in the meantine, well here's a few things about my life:

1. I'm moving out of this city in two years regardless, whether I go to where she lives or not (hell, I might just go to Paris if I feel like it...), so seeking meaningful relationships here is rather stupid tbh.

2. I'm not obsessed with having sex with as many women as possible like most of you are. Sex for the hell of it, isn't very rewarding and takes a lot of effort and money. I'd much rather beat off to porn most of the time, and for the few times I do feel like licking some pussy and sticking my dick in something wet, finding a pretty girl to fuck for a few days, isn't very hard.

3. I have personal goals that tie me to home, thus, outside from work and the occasianal stroll through the city, I don't get out so much because I'm usually busy with studies and a bunch of other stuff. I do have some close friends I hang out with from time to time, but it's more and more rare these days since they're busy too trying to kickstart their careers. So, talking and chatting with her is actually very low effort. It's just an hour every... 2-4 ish days if it's a PM, or now that we're gonna SPAM, a video call for a couple hours on the ocassional weekends. I already SPAM with my brother for hours on end on weekends, I don't see why I can't squeeze her in from time to time. It's much less effort thant going to a bar, paying for a couple drinks and listening to some slut dribble on about bullshit I don't care about for about an hour before I take her home and fuck her or something.


So yeah, rant aside, it doesn't really seem like an "inefficient use of time" to me. I understand most of you have some goal to be the "greatest womanizer there ever was" or someshit like that. Tbh, I stopped caring about that crap after I got laid a couple times.

In my eyes: it is what it is, I have fun talking to her, so I don't see why I'd stop doing it.

Why it's a long shot?

(1) location
(2) location
(3) location
(4) time bridge, like the golden gate time bridge
(5) she seems crazy
(6) you are probably already friend zoned
should i continue?

I love online dating btw, it is the best way to meet women in my opinion, and I am not saying your situation cannot end up working out, but its a freaking crazy long shot and nothing you say will convince anyone here otherwise just like you won't convince anyone here (i hope) that 1+1 = 3.

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