Hey guys, first time I've posted here I think. Anyway, been in the game now for a little while. I've come a long long way from where I was, especially in my teenage years.
I used to be really shy around girls, act confident around people, but was never really myself. Never had a girl until 19, never kissed a girl until 19, basically I had my first ever girl through PUA.
Anyway, now I'm quite a different person. I know what to do (in the pickup phase, not relationship phase yet), I am much more confident in almost every aspect of my life, I can really own sets and own situations if I put my mind to it.
However, there are times where I slip back into my old self. My old self is a self-doubting, depressed, conservative, innocent little child. I was brought up as a little mommy kid, always on my mother's side when I was small. I always wanted to grow up because I wanted to slip out of that, however it never really went away. Now remember I can really, truly, honestly be the fucking MAN, but then I can also be a little innocent child, and it can be quick for me to slip from the man into the child again. Then I have to snap myself back out of it and I can be a confident young man again who knows what he wants, who follows the advice he gives, etc.
But when I do fall into the little child it's like my perception of life, of the world switches back to when I was 15 or so. I spent almost all of my teenage years lonely, without a partner, without sex, without any sort of validation from the opposite sex. Especially from girls I liked. I think this fucked me up big time. Whilst I was a horny little fucker I was also extremely shy around chicks, and what happened was I judged people if they had sex at an early age unconsciously. Even today if I hear that girls lost their v-card at an early age like 15 or so, my first impulse is a little shock. I don't think it's that I'm judging them (even though I am), but I think it stems from the fact that I am envious or something. Like I didn't lose my virginity at that age, so that's just wrong. Of course I know that this is extremely normal. Teens lose the virginities quite early especially nowadays, and it was because of my own lack of skills with women that I got nowhere for so long.
Anyway, so there seem to be two sides to me, one which is deeply ingrained within me because of my earlier years, and the new me, which has new mentalities, beliefs, opinions about these things. But even though I have these new mentalities, sometimes they are incongruent to how I feel about them. Like for example I know sex is just sex and can be wonderful, but then there's a part of me which sees sex as this incredible thing that you have with the one woman you want to be with, and you shouldn't have it with anyone else. I have had sex with girls I have no feelings for, so I obviously know sex can be enjoyable without deep connection. But I have had so much social conditioning in my life plus a lack of experience that this part is still in me. My new experiences have slowly started to shift into the new me, but I still have this old part within me, and it goes pretty much completely against the new me. And the fucked up thing is that they are subconscious, they are feeling based, my emotions are congruent with the old me, and only if I step into the new mindset can I be congruent with the new me.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I just wanted some advice or some comments from people who have maybe gone through something similar and how you dealt with it. How you truly changed your inner beliefs. Because it is completely fucking with me, one time I'm this, the other time I'm that. How can I be CERTAIN that I AM the fucking man when at times I'm not?