This is a story of how I escaped the friend zone. It's a long one, and is for the benefit of many people who both want and need to know how to do this. I encourage those who have also accomplished this to share their thoughts and experiences. I would like to dissuade anyone from posting who merely says "I dated a girl who I was friends with first and it all worked out" as that is hardly helpful, and hardly advice.

I write this with a little trepidation as I fear those men who scour the internet googling "How to turn a friend into a girlfriend" will hope to find some magic pill quick-fix solution in this. There isn't one. The journey is long and messy, and often doesn't end even when you get the girl. And while I don't mention them, you should know that with every high there too were lows, a few of which were abyssal.

Hollywood Lied

I think a lot of guys can relate when I say I was "the friend". The GOOD friend. Why? Because I was promised a false reality. If I were the good friend, that if I gave it time and nothing more, then I would get the girl.

Hollywood lied. Life doesn't work that way. When someone finds out you've had a 2 or 3 or 4 year crush on them, they don't SUDDENLY change their view of you and decide they like you. The protagonist ISN'T you. In university I was sold the ultimate lie when a girl I really liked told me I was "everything she ever wanted in a man". How was it then that I could be the PERFECT man for her, and yet she was in a relationship with someone else?

So I waited. And waited. And waited, somehow convincing myself that she would leave him to be with me.

After years of friendship, history and hope, it all ended in a mess. After countless failed friend-to-lover attempts, I was finally dealt my most crushing and debilitating blow. I could only be the best friend. The best man.

I could only be #2.

To Get the ONE Girl - You Must Get ALL the Girls

You've heard this line. You've heard it A LOT. And it is unequivocally true. My transition into the world of pickup did not happen overnight. I read The Game. The idea of men taking back what Hollywood and an increasingly effeminate culture had taken away - to be master of one's own attractiveness - was very intriguing. It was a LONG time before I finally took the dive. And I dove deep. First Mystery Method. Then a lair. Meeting other people in the field, learning from them. Leading this double life. Clubbing 3 nights a week. Then Natural game. Starting to realize that there were women in the world OTHER than this ONE who fracked with my head and bent my view of reality. It was liberating. It was educational.

My first number close was within months at a club. A kiss close a few weeks after. Then Day 2s. Field reports. Confidence. Spontaneity. Fun. A new understanding. A new start. A new take on me.

The Two Components of Attraction

It became very apparent after some time that the things you learn - the lines and routines, the techniques and the canned stuff, will only get you so far. You start to wonder why it worked so well before but no longer?

It's because the truth behind what you need is so counter-intuitive to everything you have been taught in childhood, that to hear it would be immediately dismissed. People work SO DAMNED HARD to keep their worlds in perfect order. They try so hard to shove everything that happens into their idealized model of the world, that those things which just don't fit are disregarded completely. That's why bootcamps, PU books, methods and routines exist. They take the ROOT of male-female attraction, distill it and dispense it in a form that novices can understand. It's dressed up to be so much more complicated than it needs to be, simply because for a lot of these guys (lawyers, engineers, programmers, scientists) who think with their head, NEED something that they can dissect.

The fact is you only need TWO things to be attractive:

• 1. Social Proof
  2. Confidence

That's it. It's no secret. But try telling that to a guy who just started with pickup - it's not exactly easy material to teach. The former is VERY easy to have assuming you're not some hermit that lives under a rock on a deserted island. You have friends? You have social proof. The key is having the RIGHT social proof. Female friends will give you social proof with women who don't know you well. Girlfriends give you social proof with women who DO know you well. It's important to strike a balance and have women you are close with vs. women you don't know and want to game. Social proof is THE KEY to social group gaming.

You know gravity exists. It's an invisible force that pulls you toward the ground. It's only when you jump, or in some way defy it, that you sense it is there. But we observe gravity all the time. When something is dropped, for example, we SEE it in action.

The same goes for confidence. Confidence is that invisible force of attraction that draws people in, both men and women. Only when you defy someone's confidence do you become aware of it, often resisting it and calling the person a douche or a jackass. True confidence has an air of jackassery, but in such a light that people can enjoy it without taking it too seriously. It is a playfulness, like when we are children. And it is in that childishness that attraction is sparked. Social Proof - being the center of attention, is how we OBSERVE confidence. If one does not see a man SURROUNDED by women, one would not know of his confidence and perceived prowess. It's not simply enough to know that the apple falls because of gravity - it's because we SEE it FALLING that we know that gravity exists.

Be Alpha

It was a good two years before I was back in that girl's life. The one, like many others can relate, that got me into pickup. I had moved to a new city for a new job. I arrived with tremendous intensity and energy, and she just so happened to be in this city. Her friends, just so happened, to be my friends. And on Day 1 - I made one hell of an entrance. Guns blazing, surprising everyone there (save a few who were in on the surprise). She just so happened to be present. And I had the element of surprise on my side.

A few had asked me if I had moved with intention to get together with her. And in truth, I answered No. I did NOT want to get involved with her by any means - someone who can so profoundly destroy your life is not somebody you want to be near.

But - part of me did wonder. How funny would it be if SHE fell for ME? I didn't give it another thought - and yet, just like that, the seed of the idea was planted in my brain.

And that is really the best way to approach it. Plant and forget. The same as you may "text and forget" with a girl, rather than constantly wondering about how she will respond to your text message. Plant the idea and move on without a second moment's thought.

And then the game was on.

Push the Envelope

I took my sweet time with this one. I would spontaneously run across the street and into a store I thought was interesting, dragging her with me. She said I was domineering and sporadic and that no girl would want to be with me. What an odd way for her to say I'm a Leader, I'm spontaneous, and that she's looking at me differently? [Alpha]

We would go shopping - I'd tell her to try on a dress. I would complain that she didn't look like the girl in the poster who wasn't wearing a skirt, and that she should take off her pants. She kicks me in "outrage". [Natural]

I complain that she needs to do something with her hair, and use it as an excuse to run my fingers gently through it. She lets me. [Negging + Kino]

I tell her that for my birthday I want her to come over with a box of condoms and a bottle of wine. She laughs nervously. [Canned Material]

I make her give me massages. I tell her she does it wrong and massage her thigh to "show her" how to do it properly. She gives me a coy smile. [Canned routine w/Kino]

I put my hands on her hips and lead her outside a crowded restaurant from behind. [Natural Kino]

I lean on her shoulder when we stand in line - three years ago she would never let me do that. Now she's telling me to lean on the other side since her shoulder's getting tired. [Natural Kino]

We have a long talk, I'm explaining to her why she keeps meeting shitty guys and discretely plant the idea that I'm the one she wants. Point out that the guys who TRY to flirt with her seem creepy. Meanwhile the ONE guy (me) who actually KNOWS how to flirt is inconspicuously attracting her. [Reverse Straw-man Technique]

All of a sudden she's remembering "feelings" she had for me many years ago. I'm that "perfect guy" she had always wanted. She's now rewriting history in her mind to make it coincide with what she's feeling today. [Emotional Connection and Rapport]

And today she's feeling "Something but not sure what". Eight hours later we're making out on the corner of the street.

Fade to black.

The Root of it All

I had to go back at the end of it all and tag those "routines" as things I either made up on the spot vs. things I'd used in the past, or had least given some thought to using. Notice there is no real rhyme or reason to it other than that I kept putting ideas in her head, kept escalating, and upped the kino more and more towards the end. A lot of people will complain that emotional connection and rapport came at the end, but in truth it was happening throughout. That last bit was what clinched it. None of the "routines" were premeditated - leaning on her shoulder or massages may have been "canned" or done before, but I just did it when the time was right. Canned but spontaneous. And the "Reverse Straw Man Technique" doesn't even exist - I just made it up now to label what I was doing.

Unplanned canned material, indistinguishable from natural game? Making up random techniques and labeling them on the fly?

How much of this was learnt? How much of it can be taught? It all came from two simple things: Social Proof and Confidence. When you understand these two, and combine with practice, you don't need to regurgitate what other people have taught you.

So what happened here? Was it simply that I became some unstoppable sex god who could have any woman he wanted? Absolutely NOT. If I told you of some of the crippling failures I had experienced before and after this incident, you would be amazed that I bounced back at all.

And while I, by no means, proclaim myself to be any kind of a master, I will share with you two things I learned and have confirmed with others to be the keys to my success in this experience. If you REALLY want the girl that you couldn't have before, then all you need - assuming you have solid game - are the following two things:

• 1. Distance
  2. Change

And that's it. Combine it with the first two and you have Social Proof, Confidence, Distance and Change.

A (female) friend of mine told me she had dated two of her guy friends who she'd known for many years. How? She said that one had idealized her, and after he went away and came back, treated her like a tramp. The other who treated her like shit, went away, and when he returned, treated her like a lady.

Why does this work? Because of momentum. If you've been a FRIEND for SO long, you've got a TON of "friend" momentum behind you. How can someone suddenly switch gears and think of you as a sexual prospect? No. You NEED distance - space and time for you to clear your head of her. To really gain some perspective. To get out there and get the other girls, to develop choice and have options. To be so confident that you honestly DON'T GIVE A FUCK if you offend her - truth be told I think I purposely TRIED to offend her on a few occasions, just as a result of some latent rage.

The beauty is that while you're out there exploring the world, her image of you, while having remained static, has lost its momentum. She still remembers you as that guy who pined away for her, with the exception that that memory has faded. This is why this works so damned well. If you suddenly changed your game without first creating that distance, she would think you an inconsistent jackass for suddenly asserting your natural male dominance.

You go away for a while, her memory of you dulls a bit, and suddenly you're back, like a refreshing splash of cold water. And if you have changed more in that time than SHE has (and believe me you will) you display a VERY attractive quality: Growth and maturity. Why? Because people who have their head and their hearts figured out seem more grounded. More centered. More confident.

A clean slate to be who you want. And AS LONG as you can get her LOOKING at you differently. AS LONG as you can get her to stop, tilt her head and think, "Hmm. He's different. He's changed." Then you've got that fleeting shot you never had before.

A Happy Ending(?)

Happy endings are for kindergarten and fat chics who watch Love Actually and eat ice cream until their periods sync up. Life is more complicated than that, and this was nothing like your average relationship.

For starters we're not even the same race. Secondly she's SUPER religious. And while I believe that parental acceptance CAN come with time, for some people the thought of going against their parents is so daunting that they can't bring themselves to do it. Some women just don't believe that they can have a healthy relationship, so they go out of their way to sabotage the ones they do have, and blame it on their parents.

And some people are so brainwashed by their religious groups, and by traumatic experiences in their childhood, that they will have issues that are nowhere even NEAR your fault.

Some times your game can be perfect. Some times you can do everything right. And still it will amount to nothing. The true victory is not the girl. It's your vindication. It's your social liberation. It's choice.

Lessons Learned

• Can you escape the friend zone? Yes
  
  What is necessary to escape this? Distance and Change
  
  What do these two things get you? A second chance
  
  What do you do? Shut off your brain, rely on your experience. To get the one you must get them all. Be alpha. Remember she wants it too. Escalate. Have fun.
  
  What can it ensure? Attraction and, all things being equal, a relationship. But not always both.
  
  Does race matter? Disregarding any fetishes, in attraction: No. In a relationship: the conviction of the two people to see beyond cultural/racial/religious differences is what matters, and CAN be affected by race. So indirectly, it may.
  
  Is it repeatable? With the same girl or with other friends, to be honest, I don't know. This happened partially by design, and partially by accident.

This happened in part by design, and in part by surprise. At no point was I "accidentally" flirting. I was aware of it on some level, either before or after the fact, but I was never consciously planning some maneuver. That was the design. But while I was always moving things ahead, it all came to a head with some surprise. That is, I was surprised that this worked.

Expecting nothing, and having no fear of failure (because really why should I care with this girl?) were crucial to my confidence. Anyone who tries to accomplish this - either 1) to be with the girl they love or 2) out of some twisted sense of revenge, will fail. Why? Because as soon as you attach any importance to the outcome, be it virtuous or villainous, you will tip your hand. And she will see it a mile away.

I believe that for those who achieve this they will have moved far beyond any feelings of doubt, anger, love or hate. That it happens for them by serendipity, but also because of the steps they took to improve themselves.

So there you have it. Yes, it is possible to escape the friend zone. Yes it is difficult - very difficult. And no, I don't think it's always worth it. Is THIS the only way to do it? I hope not - and I hope that others who have done it differently will provide some insight.

I think for any two people who do happen to "find their way" to each other it is likely the result of a lot of change and a lot of growth on both ends. But the thing about this community, about the people here who try to help one another is this: We take our growth and our change into our own hands. We make a conscious decision to improve ourselves and others around us by extension. At the end of the day, no matter her experiences over the time you are apart, however sobering or enlightening as they may have been, it is YOU who will likely have to make the first move. It is YOU who will have to break the mold.

It is your risks. Your actions. Your change.

Godspeed,

Q.