Yesterday I was having a discussion with Jezebel and it prompted me to do some thinking about what I want out of my dating and relationships. Our conversation was about friends with benefits...everything from the rules of friends with benefits to why a woman would agree to this arrangement.

Lately, I have held the conviction that friends with benefits is a pretty lame situation for women. I think of it as a dis from men.....kind of them saying, "I like hanging out with you, I love having sex with you, but I don't want to date you." And let's face it, being told (directly or indirectly) that you are not date-worthy hurts! I know most men feel different about friends with benefits but that seemed pretty obvious....why wouldn't a man want no strings attached sex? Like they always say, don't buy the cow if the milk is free. What confused me more is that some women truly enjoyed these FwB arrangements. At first, I was convinced that women were just lying to themselves and saying that they wanted FwB either because they didn't feel worthy of more or they were hoping to change their FwB into a boyfriend (which doesn't happen 99% of the time).

But then I realized that some women really do enjoy FwB and can enter into that kind of relationship without expectations and never get jealous. I wondered, "what is wrong with them??" haha After some thinking I realize that we all have different wants and needs. And the number one fault we can have is to assume that others have the same wants and needs as ourself.

The most frustrating thing is when someone tries to tell me what I want. I have been with guys who, when I ended casual things, tried to convince me that I am wrong for wanting more....that I should be happy with a FwB thing. Once you find out what you want, don't let others convince you otherwise. If you meet a guy that doesn't match what you want (be it a relationship or just sex) don't try and change his thinking...."if I could just change him to want what I want then he will be the perfect guy." WRONG....the truth is, you two already aren't compatible....at least for right now. If he isn't emotionally ready to settle down with you into a relationship, there is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. In fact, pushing your feelings on him and urging him to commit will only make him more distant. It may seem difficult to accept, but if a guy isn't willing to have the type of arrangement you want (FB, FwB, dating, relationship, marriage) then he isn't the right guy for you (no matter how tall, dark, and handsome he is). There are different types of compatibility and emotional compatibility is a huge factor in whether or not two people work well together.


You have to let go of your need to have it your way (and this was tough for me). Because "winning" is a thrill in itself. But that is all just selfish and it won't get you anywhere. If you try and convince a guy to want a relationship and "win" then you will have to deal with the withdraw and distancing because it isn't what he wanted. And for guys, if you try to convince a girl to want FwB and "win" then you will have to deal with the drama because she wants more from you. When you find someone that you are compatible with and wants what you want, you both win.


xoxo,
B

Bonita,

After speaking with you some last night I was a little worried about your recent situation. After reading this it sounds like you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Luckily, it wasnt an oncoming train .

You make a very good point. There are things you can do to influence people as we all no doubtly know being on this forum. Still, you can sway people from their ultimate goals. They want the type of relationship they desire at that time in their life and there is really no amount of convincing you can do.

Just as a few years ago I wanted to date and to play around. I couldn't be convinced by family or friends to settle down and just find a nice girl. Just like now I desire a solid long-term relationship with a woman, and no one can convice me to go back to playing the field.

Thanks for posting this,

Jon

_________________
Been around the world twice, Talked to everyone once...

That's an excellent point, Bonita. And I think it applies to realizing that we can't assume what others want and need not only on overarching, structural things like relationships but also on what we often take to be universally positive emotional responses.

About a year ago, I was going on dates, about once a week, with this one particular woman. And whenever we got together, we had a great adventure. But the bigger the blast we had, the less likely it was that she'd meet up with me again in under a week. I knew she was having a load of fun with me. What I couldn't understand was why she didn't want to have it more often.

My epiphany came during a conversation I had at that time with my friend Kat, who pointed out that having fun might terrify the shit out of this woman. Kat opened my eyes to the idea that I couldn't even assume that having fun was universally desirable. Again, I won't presume to know what went on in that woman's mind, but I suspect that, for her, surrendering to a moment of unadulterated joy meant losing control, and loss of control meant vulnerability and emotional intimacy. So the fact that I could create moments in which she would lose control probably frightened the hell out of her.

A couple of weeks after I stopped seeing her, I downloaded a short video I'd taken with my digital camera during an afternoon we'd spent in the park. And there was this incredible sequence in which something we were doing and something I said caused her to laugh hysterically, and then -- right on camera, to be replayed in slow motion -- you could see this instance in which she suddenly catches herself. She realizes she's lost her composure, and you could read her eyes and face quickly shift as she regains control.

Often we don't understand our own thoughts and emotions. So we certainly can't pretend always to understand the thoughts and emotions of others.

Ciornia

We are also guilty of this. Its a human thing, we want perfect but perfect is not always right. And we cannot change people because they need to be that way for us to date them. Live and let live. You got to ask yourself, can I live with these flaws, can I maybe even love them.

FwB seldom become more than just that, I know exactly what you mean. Ive been there just now. Yes, it does hurt to hear that you are not date worthy. It hurts a lot. But you cannot force anyone to feel anything, you cannot even force yourself to it.

Ezo