Hey guys,
Here is a sneak peak at my Online Dating Blackbook rev 2. I have been tucking this away for a while to work on it and there is still more content being added but I thought I would share it with you all in the PMZ.
Jon
ONLINE DATING BLACK BOOK REV. 2 by: Jon aka JSmooth © 2009
~INTRODUCTION~
Congratulations! You have now taken the very first step in becoming successful with online dating by picking up this book and starting to read it. It took me a while to realize that I needed to do something different to get consistent results from online dating. I remember many times going online and not receiving the results I wanted only to realize that I needed to change something in order to get more dates.
I went forward and sought out all kinds of references about meeting people online. I have read articles on websites provided by various authors to reading books about online dating. Through the tips and tricks that I read I have found those that stand out and work the best. I have brought some of those to you, and many of my own tips in this book so that it’s easy to understand and you can get started right away!
Whether you have been online for years or have never setup a profile on an online dating site this book is here to help you. The best way to use this book is to read through this completely and then coming back to reference the sections as you go forward. The practical knowledge I have obtained from my experiences is in these pages. I have detailed each task from setting up a profile to even contacting people. We will be discussing all of this in great detail in the following pages.
We are all at different points in our lives when we read something for the first time or perhaps even receive advice about a topic. When I wrote the first revision of this e-book over a year ago I was at a different place in my life than I am now. I went back read the original Online Dating Blackbook again, listened to your suggestions, and answered a lot of questions in the past year. I decided to release a second copy that would answer more of the common questions that I get asked a lot through email or even in person.
I have been meeting people online and dating them since college some 10 years ago, when the subject of online dating wasn’t something people commonly discussed. The subject was a lot more taboo and less common at the time. Over the past ten years I find it interesting how main stream an idea like online dating has become. Many of us have probably gone to a coffee shop, bar, or maybe even a social event to try and meet people. We all know how difficult it can be to approach someone and try to generate a relationship with someone out of thin air. With millions of people getting online each day to dating sites this becomes one of the single best places to try and meet people. The best part is you don’t even have to leave your house to do this.
Online Dating Magazine recently estimated that more than 20 million people visit at least once online dating service a month. When you combine that with the idea that 31% of adults in America say that they know someone who has used an online dating service according to Pew Internet & American Life Project Report: March 2006; you have to highly consider online dating as a place to meet people if you are single. This has to be one of the single greatest pools of people to choose from.
The problem with online dating becomes the fact that anyone can join a website and answer a few questions to setup a profile about them. The tough part is how do we setup a profile so that we get the best results possible? Through my experience as a professional dating coach helping clients, and my personal experiences online I will share with you the tips or best practices so that you can have a good online dating experience.
On the average it takes a few hours to get to know someone to the point you feel at least a basic level of comfort and rapport with them. This is the case whether you are in person with someone or you are online. There are times online that this may take place in one day, or possibly over the course of a few weeks. There are times I have gone from meeting someone online to a date in the same day, although this is not a typical result, it is possible.
There is a certain flow to messaging people online and talking to someone. You might be able to send a lot of messages back and forth during a short period of time since you both happen to be online, and then nothing. The flow of conversation is a constant variable that you will see. When you get the chance to talk to someone in close to real time you should certainly seize the opportunity. With so many people online it can be really easy to be forgotten about through all the messages some people receive. This is why you need to stand out and be different from those you are competing against!
As much as we dislike thinking of meeting people as a competition, in a way it is. The person who is better at writing a solid profile, using good photos and excellent communication skills will do better with online dating than someone that is not. This is great news for those of you reading this because you will be learning these skills so you will have an edge on your online dating competition.
Most of the people who are online have no idea what to write, what types of photos to use, or what to say when contacting people. I know I started out wondering these same things. This is not all that uncommon but you will put down this book armed with the knowledge I have collected about online dating. You will be more efficient than many others on the websites you use, and this will increase your chances for finding someone.
This book is strictly intended for online dating sites and not any type of networking site. I do not personally promote going to networking sites such as: Facebook or MySpace to meet people for a dating relationship. These sites were not setup with this intent and its members don’t join these sites to meet someone for a dating relationship. There are plenty of people on dating sites that you can choose from. With roughly 20 million people online I truly believe you will be able to find you someone that you like and truly connect with.
Meeting people online is not something that you will be able to do passively. This is an activity that you have to be very proactive at. Online Dating is much like a business in that you have to invest time and effort into it for it to be successful. You will need to be proactive in contacting people and working to build a good online profile. This profile will be your first impression to everyone that is curious about you.
Again, I ask you to please read this book all the way through to the end in order to absorb all the information you can about Online Dating and then you come back to use this book for reference. Let’s get started!
~Advantages and disadvantages~
As I mentioned before Online Dating Magazine estimated that more than 20 million people visit at least one online dating service a month. This certainly increases your odds of meeting someone, than say going into a coffee shop where you might see fifteen people, none of which you are interested in.
You have the advantage of instead of going out and being forced to generate a conversation out of thin air you have the ability to read a little about the person online in their profile, view their pictures, and even read about some of their hobbies all before contacting them for the first time. This warmer approach to meeting people makes things much easier. Combine this warm approach with the fact that the person whose profile you are viewing is there for the same reasons you are. Just like you they took the time to join the dating website and fill out a profile for the intention of meeting someone to date or be in a relationship with.
Many people have no idea what to write or what to say to others and this book will provide you an advantage to doing better than the majority. You will be able to meet and talk to people that you are already interested in all online.
In many ways going online to meet people is safer than trying to meet strangers in a bar or club environment. You have the ability to get to know someone initially from a distance and look for any “red flags” that we’ll talk about later before making a decision to meet them. This certainly allows you to be safer and smarter in the way you date.
As with anything there are a few disadvantages to online dating. One is that based on the area you live in you might have to be willing to travel to cities close by with a higher population. You also have to operate on the assumption that they person filling out their online profile is being honest and truthful, just as you would talking to anyone in person. Lastly, you have to consider there are monthly fees and memberships required on certain websites. As with dating or going out to a restaurant there is a small cost involved in being able to meet people. However, there are some sites that are completely free as well that you can use!
~How does this work?~
Let’s keep things as simple as possible. First you need to have committed to wanting to meet people and make a change in your life. You need to really want to make a difference. I can’t make you want to meet new people any more than I can make you read this book. The desire to make a positive change in your life is not something that I can provide to anyone, however, once someone has that desire then I can guide them to their goals with ease. Think of me as the rails on a train track. I am here to keep you going in the right direction, but you’re the locomotive I need you to supply the desire to meet people. It’ll take both of us to help you achieve your goals.
Right now, please grab yourself a piece of paper and something to write with. Set the book down and I will be here waiting for you when you return.
Welcome back, and thank you for getting the piece of paper and writing utensil. Now you need to write down what your goals are going to be with online dating. Before I can tell you the path you need to take we need to know where we are going. Just like any destination on a map you need a starting point, where you are now, and where you’d like to go. Your goals well determine a lot over the next few pages. In order to determine your goals ask yourself a few questions.
Would you like to go on more dates with people?
Do you only want to be in a long term relationship?
Are you interested in being in a committed or exclusive relationship should you meet the right person?
These questions will begin to help you determine what type of relationship you are after. Whether you just want to go one more dates or are serious about finding “the one” this book can help you. Perhaps, for the short term you want to simply date more, but your long term goal is to be in a serious relationship. The goals you have written down will also help you determine which dating website you will be using. There are literally hundreds if not thousands of sites designed for single people to meet. There are a few dozen that are award winning sites that are common, but how will you know which one to choose?
~Finding the right website for you~
With hundreds if not thousands of online dating sites it can be a very difficult task narrowing down which is the best site for us to find potential matches. One of the most important things to keep in mind is to read the various privacy policies, about us, and the frequently asked questions pages on the site. When reading these you will get a good idea about the type of services the site provides, and this will help you make a more informed decision about which site to choose.
Your goals will also determine what type of site you decide to use. I do not endorse any specific websites nor are they affiliated with me; however, there are certain ones that I do recommend based on my own results. I have also recommended the sites below based on their rankings by independent studies.
•Match.com – Probably one of the most advertised and publicly used sites. The site allows you to search through its members. They also offer extra features for additional fees to make your profile stand out. The site can even provide you text alerts when someone views your profile or sends you a message. This site appeals to more people seeking long term relationships.
•Eharmony.com – This site takes a more scientific approach matching your 29 dimensions of compatibility designed by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, which is determined by a lengthy initial questionnaire to the new members. Suggestions are made to you about what members they believe you will be compatible with. Then you will have the choice to contact these people. Eharmony.com will occasionally offer free weekends to test out the site. There have been many successful long term relationships that owe their thanks to this website.
•Lavalife – Thousands of singles are on this site and this provides one of the world’s top dating sites.
•Yahoo Personals - Yahoo provides a free trial for their new members, search, and match features.
•Chemistry.com – This site also uses personality matching and a free trial, and is similar to Match.com.
•OkCupid.com – Is a free website that offers an in depth profile. This is a great website for ease of use and great options for a profile.
•JDate – The largest Jewish dating site and has earned very high marks from its users.
•Christian Café- Is a website designed specifically for Christians who want to date.
Finding the right site for you can be one of the hardest parts to online dating. However, now that you have a better idea of your goals with a relationship you can better determine which site to use. You don’t have to use the recommendations on my list as these tips are universal, however, I would advise you to do a little bit of research about the sites you do choose.
Some of the websites that you have to pay for may give you more room to provide information about yourself, or upload more photos so that the reader of your profile can learn more about you. Many of these sites that require memberships also provide you with surveys to determine your personality type and help suggest other users that you may be compatible with based on your responses to their questions. You basically get what you pay for as the old saying goes.
The free websites that are available to you on the Internet are good sources as well. OkCupid.com is one my favorite free websites for meeting people in my particular area in Nashville, TN. In some areas people have better luck with something like AOL, MSN, or Yahoo Personals. There is no website that is particularly the best in any situation, although, the sites that advertise will have more members joining them and provide new people to potentially be matched to.
Many people that I help often find themselves on a few websites to determine which one is best for them. Where others will try one website at a time based on their budget to see which one they get results with. My suggestion is to try one website for a month to give you time to meet people, and get a feel for the site before changing to another. If you like the site you can certainly stay a member, or if you don’t there are many others to choose from.
There are some traits to the better websites for online dating that you can easily spot.
•You want a site that offers a good range of types of people, unless you are looking for something very specific.
•The site should be easy to use and understand. Most websites offer a tutorial or an introduction where they give you a tour of the site.
•The site should be affordable.
•You should be able to upload several photos.
•You should have plenty of room for information on your profile.
•The better websites offer tips and articles to help you succeed because they care about their members and the reputation of the site.
•The better sites will even offer various types of guarantees or extended memberships if you don’t meet someone.
~Putting your profile together~
What is an online dating profile? This is your first impression to everyone on the site regarding who you are and what you are all about. As you know our first impressions with us are very important. You will fill out various fields on your “dating profile” that range from: About Me, Hobbies, Interests, and more. All of this is just providing information to the other members about you!
The person on the site cannot see you or interact with you initially thus their entire impression of you is going to be based on this profile. This is why we are going to be spending a good bit of time talking about how to set this up in depth. You won’t get the chance to explain something you wrote so it’s incredibly important to be clear and concise with what you write. If they don’t like what you have to say then they can click to another user’s profile within seconds.
When people search for matches on dating sites the first thing they will see is your username, headline, a thumbnail sized picture, age, and location. This isn’t much information for people to go on so it’s important the things we can control like; username, headline, and your picture are the best they can be, not to mention your profile itself.
~Username~
One of the first tasks you are going to have to perform is to pick a username for the website that you are joining. This may seem like I am being overly thorough but this can really make a difference if you pick a bad name. Remember this username is one of the few things your potential match is going to see when browsing through her matches on the site.
A name like “Lookin4luv” is better than “NewYorkPlayboy” since you sound more serious about a relationship. Many people use nicknames that they have in real like or part of their first name to make up the username that will be displayed. Keep in mind what you could potentially be conveying with the username that you select, and if possible make it unique so that it is more memorable.
~HEADLINE~
One of the most important elements of any good profile is going to be your headline or header. On many of the dating services like Lavalife.com, Match.com, and Date.com you will be asked to provide a short opening line at the top of your profile. This shows on the basic searches along with your picture and username. A header might be something like, “Romeo seeks his Juliet” or even something more basic than that.
It is vital that you use this limited space to create a message that is going to capture the reader’s attention. You want to write something that is going to be considered funny, clever, or maybe even philosophical. The goal of the headline is just to get people to want to read more about you in your profile.
You will want to avoid boring and overused headers. When people can’t think of what to say they tend to use lines that are common and overused. Some quick examples I can give you are “I may be the one” or “Looking to meet new people.” You certainly don’t want to appear common or blend in to the masses; we want you to STAND OUT. Remember there are thousands of people on the site with the same goals as you have. That is why we have to really focus on using a good header to attraction attention to our profile. Here are some of the other overused headlines or headers are:
“Hello”
“Romeo Seeks his Juliet”
“Looking for Mr. Right”
“Looking to meet new people”
“Looking for the girl next door.”
You will need to work hard to create an excellent headline for your profile. The best way to do this is to analyze other headlines that you see and that you like. What was it about what they said that made you click on this user’s profile? Ask yourself that question as you look for people online. This will help you learn how to best capture the attention of the person you want to attract.
Some better headline examples may be:
“I don’t talk to strangers, I make new friends!”
“Bright spark looking to ignite a relationship!”
“Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back!”
“Just like a new job, I offer excellent benefits.”
“I’ll grant you two wishes, choose carefully.”
“Let’s dance the night away!”
“Who wants to go play laser tag?”
As a dating coach I hear a lot of people tell me that the people that send them messages are not what they are looking for. Perhaps the person contacting them is significantly older, not the body type they prefer, or something similar to this. In this case you might want to make your headline a filter of sorts to eliminate getting these sorts of people from messaging you. Here are some more examples of what I mean by this filtering technique. This also helps because the people that meet your criteria or more likely to message you. This will drastically help improve your matches.
“Looking for a fit person under 30 to share adventures with.”
“Must be at least 5’10 to get on this ride.”
“Chivalrous men are an endangered species, if you feel endangered contact me.”
“Must be social and positive to catch my attention.”
One of the last tips that I can provide to you about your headline is that you are going to need to change it often as you will with your photo. You want to refresh this after a while. Some people go as far as to do this once a week, while I personally think about twice a month is sufficient. Different subject headers can attract different people therefore you are reaching a bigger audience by rotating this and keeping it updated.
~PROFILE~
The next step in the online process will be filling out the profile itself. This seems pretty simple on the surface, just answering the questions they ask to every new member. Take the time and review your answers and think about what you really want to convey to the type person you are writing this for. As you go through filling out your profile it is extremely important to be honest with what you write.
Integrity is an extremely important trait to have in life and not just online dating. It is very tempting when writing your profile to make small improvements to your life or tell “white lies” about yourself. I can tell you from experience with helping people that these will come back to hurt you later on so don’t do it. Women especially are very good at telling when someone is not being congruent with what they wrote because of the sharp intuition. If the other person catches you in a lie later down the road you could find yourself at the end of your relationship with them. It is much easier to be up front and honest with whom you are, and the type of relationship you want. Honesty and being straight forward is a very attractive and desirable trait in both sexes. Remember that if there is an area of the profile you don’t feel comfortable with answering you won’t be forced to.
Another idea to keep in mind as you continue to fill out your profile is to use a positive and upbeat tone when you are writing. People are naturally attracted to positive individuals. For example, let’s say you get on a plane to go on a much needed vacation to the beach. As you are walking down the aisles you see two seats left on the plane. One is a big loud guy on your left complaining to a flight attendant about something, and the other seat is next to a nice older lady with a smile on her face. Where do you sit? Exactly, your attitude and your tone in the email are just as important when writing as when you are in person with someone.
Do not be overly picky about what you are looking for when writing your profile. We have our list from before for the type of person we are after. Let’s use this list but you don’t want to get as specific as you can only be matched with one or two people on the site.
Here are some other important tips to keep in mind as you are writing:
•Use your sense of humor to attract people that can appreciate it.
•Say things that stand out, not that blend in to the rest of the people on the site.
•Use you a positive tone when writing your message.
•Don’t come across as arrogant. It’s okay to be confident but there is a fine line
that is easy to cross from confidence to arrogance.
•Make sure to call the reader to action at the end of your message.
•Don’t list personal information like email or IM addresses.
•Make sure to write in more of a short essay format, not a book!
•Be mindful of negative comments about past relationships.
•Avoid sexual innuendos.
•Use hobbies and activities to reveal information about yourself.
•Make sure to proof read anything you write for spelling and grammar errors.
•Don’t list too many deal breakers on your profile as it’s easy to disqualify some great people.
•Read through the rules of the site before making your profile.
Now that you have a good idea of the do’s and don’ts while we are writing it’s time to actually talk about what we should be writing in this all important section. In short we are going to be writing about you. What do you want to tell people about yourself?
I find that people have a hard time trying to write things about themselves so what I suggest is that you take out a scrap piece of paper and get a pencil. I want you to draw a line down the center of the piece of paper, and then another line half way down the piece of paper making a horizontal line. You are creating a big “+” on your page making four sections. On the top left I want you to list all the various activities that you enjoy doing on a regular or semi-regular basis. You might have things down like:
•Bowling
•Running
•Watching Movies
•Dancing
•Swimming
•Working out
Then on the bottom left piece of the paper I want you to think how people would describe your personality. Would they say you are shy? Are you outgoing? Do you like to plan things or are you spontaneous? Do you talk a lot or are you quiet until you know someone better? Do you like to be a leader or a follower? These questions will help you get an idea of the type of personality you have if you aren’t already consciously aware.
On the top right side of the piece of paper we are going to write down information about your match. What activities would you like them to do with you? We are not going for a long list here but more of a top 3 or 4. If you could pick any 3 things that they would like to do with you what would they be?
Finally, on the bottom right hand side of the paper what personality traits are you the most attracted to? Do you like people that are shy, social, honest, reliable, outgoing, spontaneous, happy, serious, etc.? Again, we are trying to make a long list but try and figure out the main 4 or 5 traits that you really want to have in another person.
The hard part is done at this point. You have all the information left you will need to complete your profile. Now we just have to write out what we are like and what we are looking for. When writing this be sure not to just make a laundry list of qualities because it is not enjoyable to read, and gets poor results. How you write about yourself is being judged as well.
What do we write? The first thing is you want to give the reader a good idea about what you are like and what you like to do. You want to describe your personality in a way that they can practically see you sitting beside them. I might tell someone, “My best friends would describe me as being outgoing, adventurous, and easy to talk to. I can just as easily be found in a club dancing in the late hours of the night, or sitting at home on a lazy Sunday watching a good movie.” Use the things you do to show different aspects of you personality. I just showed I have an outgoing side but also a laid back side with how I described watching a movie. You are combining your two squares on the piece of paper you used to write you’re about me area. This should be just a few paragraphs at the most, but it helps the reader of your profile to identify with you.
Some common themes I would suggest to use when writing your profile about you are: Fun, Honesty, Normal, Sincere, Caring, Dependable, Good Listener, Open-Minded, Family Oriented, Liked by Your Peers, Hard Working, Social, and Relationship Oriented. Using these themes as you write will help you convey the right types of things that the opposite sex is looking for in a relationship. Most people use a combination of these themes in their short essay style profile.
It is not just enough to write nice things about ourselves and let the other person decide if they are compatible with us. After we write about who we are and what we are like, then we certainly need to describe the type of person that we are looking for. The reader going through your profile needs to know that they meet your initial criteria or at least most of them before contacting you. Without knowing the type of person you are interested in they will have no way to determine if you will get along with them.
You will write this in much the same way you wrote about yourself. You may say, “My match would like going out and doing adventurous activities like hiking or water skiing. They would be confident in themselves and what they want in life. Still they shouldn’t mind hanging out with me on a rainy day watching a movie on the sofa.” I believe you are starting to see pattern to writing your profile.
~Pictures~
Pictures are definitely the most important part of any profile. Ads with pictures on the average get 5 times more replies than the ones that don’t. That goes to show you how important pictures themselves are to your success online. Every single dating site that I have read articles on or seen about creating a good online profile will tell you that pictures are essential regardless of what you physically look like.
The old saying of, “A picture is worth a thousand words” is very true. The thing you need to be concerned with is what words you are saying with your pictures. The pictures you attach need to be congruent with what you tell people about yourself. If you say you like to play sports then you should have pictures of you playing sports. The bottom line is your pictures should show what you conveyed about yourself in the profile.
What should the pictures be of?
The pictures should be of you doing something active and fun if possible. If all you have is a picture of you standing around your home that is better than no picture at all. What I had to do was start taking a digital camera with me pretty much every time I went out to do something. This helped me get some good random shots of me doing my favorite things in life. If you were to take a look at my Match.com profile you would find pictures of me shooting pool, hanging out with my friend’s downtown, and of me target pistol shooting. The reader gets a visual aid of my lifestyle by seeing these pictures.
Please consider before posting a picture is what you are wearing in your photos. I have a buddy you almost always wears the same type of clothing to each event he goes to. Because of that he looks similar in every photo that he is in. He had to make an effort to change the way he dresses in the photos that he took. You want to make sure you have variety in your pictures. You might want to be an outfit that is a bit dressier, and also in something casual so they can see you in different situations.
Be conscious of if you have people in the photos with you. I recommend that you have pictures of both men and women with you in your pictures. This helps show that you have normally healthy relationships with both sexes. We are showing that various types of people like us and spend time with us. I would caution you as to not have too many pictures with the opposite sex. This could have you come off as looking like a “player.” We just want a few to show we have normal relationships.
Now you will have to choose one photo you uploaded to the site as the main photo to your profile. You want this to be the best photo that you have to choose from, that compliments you. Preferably you will be alone in the photo and appear happy.
How many pictures should I have?
You should make sure to include all the good photos that your profile will allow you to put up. The more photos you can include the easier it is for the person reviewing your profile to identify with you. If you are limited to putting up just a few photos then make sure you remember to keep diversity. You want to have pictures of you in various dress and attire, not to mention alone, with friends, and doing activities.
A final word about photos
When you are looking through your photos and trying to figure out which ones you are going to add to compliment your profile make sure the photo is not old. I personally recommend that you not use a picture over 6 months old, and never more than a year old. The reasoning for this is simple, people change too much in a year’s time. Everything from fashion, to hair style, to physical characteristics can change in a year. You want to be representing you as you presently are, and not someone you looked like two years ago. As you take new photos add them to your online profile and keep everything updated.
Also, when looking at the photo pay attention to what is in the background of the picture. I have seen many photos where someone takes a snapshot in their home, and there are dirty clothes laying in the background, dirty dishes, beer bottles, etc. You might give off the wrong impression by accident. Most software allows you to crop the photo so that you can eliminate these things, but you may have to find a different photo altogether.
Do you have a bunch of posed photos? A few of these are normal and good to have, but random snap shots tend to do the best. Photos of you actively doing an activity you like are better than a posed picture at your home. Do you look like you are having fun, serious, happy, or sad in the picture? If you can show the reader of your profile some different emotions; you smiling, laughing, maybe even being serious, or just goofing off. Showing a depth of emotions helps the reader picture you hanging around them and what you would be like to spend time with you.
Keep your camera handy as you are out doing different things with friends or even by yourself. It’s easy to ask someone to take a snapshot for you, and people are generally happy to help out. You being an active photo taker will make it easier for you to keep your profile updated.
~Other Interests~
On most of the profiles out there you will have an area to fill out other various hobbies or interests that you have. You might be asked to put your favorite: movies, TV shows, books, music, etc. This is also an important aspect of the profile for people that are trying to determine how compatible you are with them.
Like with the rest of the profile it helps to show some diversity but continue to be honest with what you write. In these sections there are no special tips or tricks but remember you can continue to use these spots to convey your personality. You don’t want to appear as if you sit around the house all day waiting for an email message, we want to show that you are an active person. In these sections it is okay to include items that you may not have done but are genuinely interested in doing. For example, one of my good friends has wine tasting in his profile. He has not been to an event but he is genuinely interested in wine, and would like to attend.
Finally, an important step at the end of your profile is you need to call the reader to action to respond to you. Simply stating, “If you can see us having adventures together click the link and send me a message.” There are a variety of ways to do this but the important part is that you ask the reader to message you. It has been shown that you are more likely to be messaged if you call them to action rather than just allowing them to decide for themselves.
As with the rest of your profile you have to make sure to keep these areas updated. I can’t get this point across enough. People can and will change and acquire new tastes for things, so be sure to update your profiles accordingly. You might even have a close friend look at your profile when you are finished. See if they think you are missing anything or if there are any other qualities about you that you need to bring to light. Also make sure to ask people who review your profile if what you wrote captures their attention and then holds it.
~Contacting people~
Remember what people are looking for is just normal people that have good qualities and some of the same interests that they have. Quite simply they want what you want, which is a good person to enjoy life with. When you are contacting people remember to be yourself and convey your personality in your messages to them. As we talked about before other people can sense when you are not being congruent with whom you show yourself to be in your online dating profile?
Do not be overly concerned with what to say because there is no such thing as saying the perfect thing to someone. It is easy to get caught up in the mindset that you have to find the correct words to say and by doing so it will make it more likely that you will fail. Remember that it is okay to fail, as with all things in life, we typically have to fail at things a few times in order to succeed. This is no reflection on you as an individual, so please don’t take it personally, some things just take practice. With the knowledge you are armed with in these pages you can make this work!
“Some Will, Some Won’t, So What, NEXT!” ~ Mark Stout, Dynamics Inc.
The above quote is something that I learned a while ago in regards to sales and it applies as equally well here. Some people will contact you back, some people won’t, so what this is nothing personal, NEXT! This is still following the idea not to take things personally and to just continue on with trying to meet people. There are dozens of reasons why someone doesn’t contact you back including: they have found a relationship, they no longer use the site, they don’t check the site anymore, or maybe you just aren’t their type. The truth is you will never know the reason why, all you can do is continue to explore other options with great people. With so many people online don’t get hung up on one specific person. So how do we go about contacting people?
Many sites like Yahoo Personals, SinglesNet.com, and Match.com offer features where you can send a “Quick Reply” or a “Wink” to a user. This is just a quick message to them that lets the other member of the site know that you are interested in them. The user will receive a short email or alert that you are interested in them and for them to check out your profile. On the surface it sounds like a good idea, but it doesn’t work well. Most people get a lot of these little messages and they are easy to ignore. Instead I find that you will get a lot better results by taking the time to actually write someone a message.
When you write someone it is much more personal that a scripted message going to the user. Again, we are trying to convey who we are to this person so that they can determine if there is potential for a relationship. The best way to do this is by writing them directly through the website.
Most of the sites have a standard email format for writing in your message, meaning that you have a subject line and a body for your message. Just like with your header you want your subject like to stand out. “Hi, Hello, What’s up?” are okay to use but we want you to stand out and be more original. One of the things that I recommend is picking something out of their profile. I would make my subject, “Been to any good wine tasting events lately?” This is more personal to that individual and it lets them immediately know you took the time to read their profile and are interested.
You have to be proactive in your approach to contacting people. We can’t simply fill out a profile and hope things work out. Most of the dating websites out there will have a match or search feature in which you can tell it the age range and other qualities you prefer, and it will show you people that match your requirements. You can go through this list to help you decide who to contact.
In the body of the message you are going to want to keep this short. No one likes reading through a page long email. If you can keep it to just a few small paragraphs about some of the things you have in common and telling the reader that you would like to get to know them better. Then you need to include something so that they are compelled to respond and start a conversation with you. Simple questions are good for this and are easy to use.
Keep in mind that you want to be upbeat and not boring. Simply introduce yourself to them person, tell them a bit about you and who you are. The goal here is just to go from one message to another while being remembered. Include a few questions as you go to give the reader something to respond to, and the conversation flowing.
After you write your message, always go back and proof read your emails. When you are talking to someone keep in mind they are unable to see or hear you. They have no way to tell a sarcastic comment from a legitimate one and this can easily offend someone by accident. You have to keep the conversations moving in a positive direction and keep the dialogue going. Most people fail because they run out of things to say and then the communications stops.
As an example if you see that the two of you like to travel then you might ask them the last place they traveled to and what they did. This allows for a natural conversation to take place and for the two of you to build some rapport by talking to each other without making things awkward.
When you message each other back and forth there is no way for the other person to know that you are enjoying the conversation and like them unless you say so. Compliments are wonderful to use and will work well to convey you are interested. You might simply say:
“I am really enjoying talking to you.”
“You have me curious about you.”
“The fact that you are attractive is a plus but that isn’t what has me drawn to you.”
Don’t leave others to guess how you feel. Another reason many conversations online simply end without any warning because the other person doesn’t feel like they are getting anywhere with who they are speaking with.
It’s an easy mistake to make to attach too much importance in talking to this person, as you have to detach yourself a bit. Do not place emphasis on making this person your next girlfriend or boyfriend just yet. Let’s just get a friendly dialogue established with the person and then take it from there. Your goal in talking to them is not to make them into an overnight successful relationship, but instead to simply get them comfortable enough with you to meet you in person for a date.
Be prepared to answer some pointed questions back and forth as you are talking. It is common or people to ask you about your personal life or past relationships. If you feel comfortable then please talk about this, or if uncomfortable perhaps tell them you will answer that question when you get to know them better.
~How to move things along~
Are goal to make the person we’re talking to comfortable enough to meet us in person as we stated before. We want to get the person you are now talking to from email, to the telephone, and finally to in person as quickly as possible. The reason I say quickly is because it is very easy for conversation to go stale, and for other people to catch this person’s attention. While you are in the process of messaging back and forth you want to keep the emails flowing back and forth the best you can. You don’t want to wait long periods of time in between messages if you can help this.
The closer we get to talking to someone in real time the better! Some people you might talk to after a few emails and you might be able to share your phone number with them. Most people enjoy text messaging these days. After about 4-5 good email messages on the average that have been sent back and forth I will then provide them my phone number and ask for theirs in return.
Some people are experienced at meeting people online and develop a sense of comfort with people they talk to quickly, and will easily provide you their phone numbers. Others are less comfortable at meeting people online and many times you might need to talk to these people through something like an instant messenger first before getting their phone number so they are more comfortable.
How can you tell what to do? I usually ask the person if they have met anyone from online yet or how long they have been at this. That helps me gauge their experience. Also, you are trying to gauge their level of comfort with you by how they respond to your messages. If they are being open with you and have no problem talking to you then it’s a pretty safe bet that you can talk to them on the phone. How do you ask for their number?
I simply say, “I enjoy talking to you and would like to continue getting to know you. I’ve been a little busy lately so here is my number 555-867-5309 so that you can text me and we can talk some more.” I offer my number so that they feel more secure giving me theirs. This is a give and take and we have to show some trust in the other person for them to show it back.
The more you talk to people online and go through this process you will be able to judge if you need to go from emailing to an instant messenger service or you just need to setup a date to meet them in person. Through each of these technologies all we are doing is talking to the person and building a connection with them so that they are comfortable meeting us, period. They have seen your profile and are talking to you so it is assumed they are attracted to you. It’s your job just not to goof it up by saying anything that could be considered wrong.
If you get a message stating that they are not comfortable enough to talk to you on the phone or via text then simply drop the subject and go back to just getting to know the person and you can try again later on. This is no reflection on you they might just not be ready for that step yet. Then as I previously suggested then you can attempt to see if they would rather talk on an instant messenger service since it is not much of a commitment but you can speak to the person in more real time, thus you are able to convey your personality better. When in doubt take a step back in the process of talking to them and try again later.
As a final tip I recommend that you keep a log of your conversations somewhere. Anything you may have emailed or sent in messenger is helpful to keep around. The reason I suggest this is you might be talking to a few people at once. You can review these before you go out to avoid any embarrassing moments remembering facts about some other person you have been speaking with. It also shows you were paying attention to what they had to say. Guys pay attention to this because we all know women’s biggest complaint against men is, “He doesn’t listen!”
~Meeting in Person~
It is only natural once you have setup a date to be a little nervous about meeting the person you have been talking to. When you go to meet for the first time you want to suggest a place that is going to be a public location where people gather. This is for your safety as well as theirs. You have no way in knowing who you are exactly meeting. We all hope that everyone is honest and up front with whom they claim to be in their profiles but this is not always the case.
Safety is your first priority before you go to meet someone you met online. You want to be careful and look for “red flags.” Red Flags are little comments made by someone you are communicating with that make you feel uneasy as though something is not quite right. You may notice something is said or see a behavior come out that make you think twice about furthering your relationship with that individual. Here are some general red flags to look for before you meet someone or even while in the beginning of a relationship with someone.
•The person gives you inconsistent information regarding their interests, marital status, profession, family, age, employment, etc. Take note of the various things to see if you simply misunderstood them or if the truth is being stretched.
•If the person does not provide you with direct answers to your questions you should be asking yourself why they are not answering you.
•If the person is interested in meeting you but after meeting you, makes up excuses not to introduce you to family or friends.
•The person becomes easily irritated or angry. Basically, you are looking for any passive-aggressive behavior.
•If they make any demeaning or condescending comments about you, their family, friends, or even co-workers.
Now that you have an idea of what types of behaviors to look for lets pick a good place to meet up. Again, you want the place to be somewhere public where people naturally gather. You also want to make sure you are meeting them there and not picking them up or vice versa. That way you have a way to leave the meeting if you should need it. Finally, tell a friend or family member where you are going to be and have them call you during the date to check on you. With these tips you can help be safer on your date.
When setting up a first date you have all kinds of places you can choose from to go. I typically recommend going on an activity date so you have something to do in addition to talk. When you suggest something like going for dinner or coffee you are forced to make conversation because there is nothing else to do. When you go out to go bowling or something like this you have another activity to help keep things going without being made to do nothing but talk. You can always go to dinner or get coffee later if things are going well.
Here are a couple of quick first date ideas:
•Bowling
•Laser Tag
•Shooting Pool
•Mini golf
•Go Karts
•Wine Tasting
•Ghost Tours
•Local Parks
•Coffee (Not Preferred)
•Dinner (Not Preferred)
Since you know where you are meeting here are some tips for going on your date to make things go better.
~First Date Tips~
•Be on time- One of the last things you want to do is be late and make a bad impression on your date.
•Be confident- Confidence is a huge factor in deciding if someone is attractive to you. The more confident you seem the more it will help you get through the date.
•Be an interesting person- You don’t want to show up to a date and have nothing to talk about. Be prepared to be interesting and have a good conversation. Reviewing your notes from what you talked about will assist with this. Show that you are an interesting person by asking questions and being a good listener. This will help you learn interesting things about your date. Dress GREAT! Take care in your appearance. Make sure not to reveal too much about yourself but enough to show the person you are fun to be around and interesting.
•Try to make your date feel comfortable- We are all a little nervous with we go on a first date; so by making them feel comfortable they will be able to relax.
•Take your date some place new- Many first dates have been done at the movie, restaurant, or coffee shop. You will make more of an impression if you go some place unique.
•Keep the conversation flowing- The dreaded silence and awkward moments when no one knows what to say can seem to last a long time. Try to be prepared and have some questions you’d like to ask them in mind.
•Being interested- When you date is talking to you listen to them. Use active listening techniques like summarizing what they said and restating it back to them, head nodding, eye contact, and verbal affirmation so they know you are following along with them. Then ask them questions about their topic of conversation to show interest.
•Laugh at their jokes- Even if you have heard the joke before laughing along will help them know that you are interested in him/her. This will make them feel more comfortable with situation.
•Listen to your intuition- If you feel something isn’t right it usually isn’t. Either move on or investigate further with questions.
•Don’t talk about yourself all night- No one really likes a person that loves to talk about himself or herself all the time. Be the person that is asking questions.
•Don’t talk about past relationships- No one wants to hear you go on and on about your past girlfriend. Make an effort to focus on your date and moving to a second date.
•Don’t ask too many personal questions- Your date might not want to reveal a lot of details about themselves just yet. There will be plenty of time to ask these things later on.
•Don’t get drunk- There are too many risks with getting drunk. You want to have your mind with you when you are out so that you can give them your best first impression.
•Always remember to thank them for the date! – Good manners are huge, so be sure to thank them for the date. If you don’t want to go on another date this is your chance to end it, or your chance to suggest a time to meet again.
•
STAY SAFE!
~Protect Yourself from Scams~
It is very important when on the Internet these days to protect yourself from possible scams. Like with the “Red Flags” for people there are also some signs you should be watching for when talking to someone online that could be a sign of a scam.
Being asked for money is a tell-tale sign of a scam. No matter what people tell you never ever give money to someone you have never met in person. Scammers are very creative and they can be convincing. Some will ask for money very quickly and some will wait until you get more comfortable with talking to them. Most of these people will tell you that they are overseas and need assistance of some kind.
If you receive a message from a person that immediately wants to communicate over personal email be careful. The reason for this is simple. A scammer’s profile is likely to be deleted soon by the dating service. They want to contact you privately before this happens to talk to you. This might not always be the case but be careful when perusing these types of messages.
A final word with scams, remember to guard your privacy and do not communicate with people who are overseas. Make sure to trust your instincts from the beginning and don’t get scammed!
~Conclusion~
Online dating can be both a fun and exciting way to meet new people. With so many people online these days it is hard not to consider online dating in addition to meeting people in a more traditional sense. Use this book to your advantage with online dating. Many people do not have the knowledge that you have just gained and that will give you an edge with meeting people online more effectively.
If at any point during your journey meeting people online you start to have trouble meeting people or things are not working as you think they should be go back to the basics. Take a look at your pictures, profile, and header to see if you they catch your attention right away and hold it. Have trusted friends take a look at your profile to see what you should add or remove.
Use your intuition when meeting people and trust your feelings. There are times that you can speed up the process for meeting people in person and times when you need to take your time. The more you contact people online and gain experience you will learn when to do this. Use your intuition to know how comfortable the person you are talking to is with you. Then you will be able to gauge what to do in each circumstance.
Always be yourself and be honest with the type of person you are looking for. You will find this above all else is what people are looking for online. The people online are just like you in that they are looking for normal healthy relationships with good people. These people have feelings just like you and want to be treated with kindness and respect.
Enjoy meeting new people online and remember to have fun!
Jon S.
NashvilleDatingCoach@Gmail.com 
CHAT
